Well, yeah, I guess that would be useful information.
Our topic for the skype night was: "How do big beautiful families share love with their introverts." The way she opened the conversation was, "I don't know. I don't have an answer for your question." Which was at least honest.
So we said that one thing that we had thought of was that we would not be the traditional family hosting all the big events at our house, but that we would be happy to contribute towards and attend all those big events elsewhere when she makes them happen.
She was a bit quiet for a while. But I took into consideration that she had had a full day with birthday celebrations for middle son, and tried not to read into that quietness.
She talked about how things are done in her extended family on her mom's side. We listened and then said, we won't be doing that, at least not at our house. It will be much better if we can meet you at your house, or where ever the event is happening, help out, have fun, go home when we need to.
I think she brought up the fact that if things happen in our house, we must have trouble "kicking people out" when we are tired. "Which she has no problem doing." We said we can do it when we have to but prefer not to, as we consider it a bit rude. We would much rather attend and leave than host and say get out.
She said that having events in restaurants wears her out because she has to monitor all the kids carefully around food servers, and public seating. We agreed that it was exhausting then said at least it isn't happening in our home. Which in hindsight I see may not have been a validation of any kind.
The conversation lagged then turned towards the adoption process and where it is going and how soon they are going to be moving out here. I think we did a good job of just listening to the information and not making judgement statements about anything. We were careful about body language and facial expression -well, I was, not sure about hubby.
She returned briefly to the introvert topic by saying that she drops by her moms house when they've been out and about so the kids "can pee and raid the fridge for snacks" and that she hoped she could do that when they are here. I said I would appreciate a call giving me a heads up. She explained that she doesn't make these long visits, it really is just sending in the kid(s) who need to pee, and they get snacks for everyone. She waits in the car with the others and the little one in the car seat.
Now, in past conversations, this "call before you come" limit has been a chaffing place for her. And I really am willing to negotiate a little bit on it. But it has, in the past, made her feel like she is getting different treatment from our sons. Which actually isn't true. The boys know to call and give us a heads up. They don't drop in unannounced. There is a huge joke in the family, (and maybe I should share it with daughter) that empty nesters tend to have "naked thursdays" and a heads up call is for the kids eyesight protection, cuz nobody needs to see all this (me and hubby) naked. Now, this is a joke, I don't have naked thursdays, but it taught the boys that mom and dad value a warning call before showing up on the doorstep. The boys are fine with this arrangement, use it, and we've not had any troubles with it.
But when we got off the call, my husband and I felt like she had not heard us. Maybe because she didn't give any reflective listening, or make statements of, I can see how that would work. Not necessarily agreeing with us, but some kind of indication that we had successfully communicated this very important concept. I think it is one of basic respect, not a pushing away -no you can't come over -you have to call and get "permission". It isn't that at all. I was raised to call my friends and make sure it was a good time to come over, and this was way out in the country where doors were unlocked and people hollered "yoohoo" before opening the screen door and coming in. As a family member, you don't have to wait until it is a good time, but you do need to give a heads up that you are going to be interrupting whatever it is I am doing. It allows me to finish my thought on what I am doing and prepare for the "pee break".
So, I don't mind telling her all this, but does it fall into the "JADE" habit? Should we revisit the conversation? Or is that pushing her into a corner and hounding her about it?
Like I said before, I hesitate to let this go when my husband and I both feel that she didn't get it. But I am not sure what her "getting it" would actually look like so I hesitate some more about pushing. And then I
get a bit defensive that I am walking on eggshells over a reasonable request. Ug.
I guess maybe a way to approach this 'feeling unheard' would be to say in the next conversation that we would appreciate hearing her feelings about what was discussed so that we can address any concerns she may have with what we said. Would that be a validating way to proceed?
