To roam or to belong, that is the question

[Kwamina]

Hi all

Been a while since I shared some parrot reflections but I felt it was time again

One of the things I like about the Coping & Healing board is how reading other people's posts can lead to significant new insights. Sometimes just a single word can have a massive effect. One of our members expresses in her signature this sense of always having to roam and having no place called home. These words struck a cord with me. Sometimes it is hard to put your feelings into words and it is helpful then when another member does it for you

A place to call home, when you were raised by BPD parents, your home might never have felt like home. In your adult life you might still find yourself searching for that home you never had. You may even end up in (romantic) relationships hoping they will finally bring you that feeling of 'being home'. When I was 10 years old, I no longer wanted to live at home and that feeling never left me. Growing up with my uBPD mom I felt like I couldn't breathe, her behavior was suffocating, controlling and oppressive. I was roaming in my own home, looking to find some consistent love, peace and stability, yet never finding it, so it really never was a real home at all.

Recently Woolspinner2000 (Wools to us  ) talked about 'belonging'. It is an amazing word indeed, to belong, belonging or a 'longing to be'. Forever to roam or finally to belong... .a place called home.

The Reflective Parrot

"Two thousand miles I roam

Just to make this dock my home" -- Otis Redding

[Fie]

Hello Kwamina,

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone with this feeling.

I have never really had a 'real' home due to my dysfunctional family, so I know  perfectly well what you are talking about.

Over the years I kind of more or less found 'home' inside myself, due to meditation.

[Kwamina]

Thanks for replying Fie

It is tough for a child when you grow up in a dysfunctional family. You unfortunately have experienced this too. These last few days I had been reading my written log of my uBPD mother's and sister's problematic behaviors and it made it so clear just how dysfunctional they were. I didn't keep a diary growing up but when I was 30 I did write my experiences down. The last time I looked at this log was 2 or 3 years ago. They mostly succeeded in masking their most extreme BPD behaviors from the outside world, but behind closed doors they were massively dysregulating. You could say they reserved their most extreme BPD behaviors for their special 'behind closed doors' audience.

Sometimes though, their BPD is visible to all. Last night my elderly mother called me. She was angry at some neighbors because they were again using her storage unit without even asking her. Though her anger was justified, the way she responded was not. She took her neighbors' stuff out of her storage unit and was throwing it down the stairs. Her neighbors were shocked, ran up the stairs and promised to be better neighbors from now on. My mother was real proud for 'standing up for herself', but does not see that her own response wasn't exactly appropriate either. My uBPD sister once threw several bottles at a friend because her friend had done something outrageous. Her friend's little daughter was present when she threw those bottles and she told that little girl that she felt sorry for her that her friend was her mother. My sister was right that her friend's behavior was quite inappropriate, however throwing bottles and telling that to a little girl is also highly inappropriate behavior.

Like you, I also practice mindfulness/meditation and have found it really helpful indeed. Finding 'home' inside yourself is wonderful indeed as you can then carry your home with you wherever you are. Even when there are bottles flying around or things being thrown down the stairs

[unicorn2014]

Thanks for this post Kwamina 

I can totally relate. Last night I was having some grief  and I finally took some medication to help me sleep, then my daughter climbed in bed with me to help her sleep since she had a final today. The ironic thing is she said she had the best night of sleep ever!

I never had a sense of consistency or comfort at home.

I'm sure I sought that out in my marriage as my husband had a very big family which I thought was loving at the time although I had overlooked some hurtful things from his twin sister  and his mother. I sought that out again in my current relationship and then when I found out my partner had BPD I was devastated. Now I am trying to reparent myself and its hard when I have a teen under my roof as I feel as if I have to hide my pain from her.

The place I find a sense of belonging is in my 12 step meetings. I've been a member of some meetings for over a decade and I've really found some help there, mostly in the way of true friendships.

[purekalm]

Hey Kwamina,

Your parroting wisdom is always welcome here. 

One of the things I like about the Coping & Healing board is how reading other people's posts can lead to significant new insights. Sometimes just a single word can have a massive effect. One of our members expresses in her signature this sense of always having to roam and having no place called home. These words struck a cord with me. Sometimes it is hard to put your feelings into words and it is helpful then when another member does it for you 

I agree. That's how we learn and gain more insight, no? 

That was how I always felt, like I was roaming, never belonging anywhere. My parents were in their own little world with each other, my older sister wanted nothing to do with me or our other two siblings, my younger sister acted out the most and was always in some competition with me only she would know about and my younger brother was busy being babied by my mom for my dad's lack of being a dad to his only son. Our home was extremely broken.

As I grew I realized, by always being on the outside looking in, that I didn't belong anywhere. Not with church, other family, no friends... .When I think about it, the only times I felt like I belonged even somewhat was when I had my cat, and then many years later two others that also stole my heart that none are any longer with me. With them I didn't have to be anyone but me, and they accepted me. I loved them fiercely, because they were like my family. I was always aware though, that no matter how much they accepted me, they could never reciprocate the feelings I felt. They are beautiful and intelligent, but they are not human. (Even though a lot of people act it nowadays,   )

I believe there were plenty of reasons why Adam needed Eve, but mainly I believe it was because every animal but him belonged somewhere. Sure he belonged to God, but there was none like him. Most people only see it as a highly spiritual or procreation story, but it's so much more to me. With Eve, he belonged somewhere, WITH someone. I don't believe that we were meant to be alone. Talking, thinking, interacting is how the best things are made. Especially when those people truly care for one another.

That one word, belonging, evokes such a strong desire in me. Where do I belong? Belonging ignites the fires of identity, what is my identity? I have to say, against popular opinion, that I didn't truly start to heal or feel like I belonged until I accepted God into my life.

I'm still working on belonging, having my identity in God, because I was so far removed from that truth growing up, that I could belong somewhere and didn't have to be alone forever. I made the mistake of thinking that my husband could be someone I belonged with, until one day he snatched me from the pedestal he put me on and threw me under his feet, never to be picked up again. I put my trust, my hopes, in one person, and it wasn't fair to him. Yes, he did all the damage himself, but my misplaced longing to belong somewhere sat me squarely in that position.

So, I've asked myself, and given it consideration, where do I belong? Initially, I would say nowhere. But then, don't I belong to God? Am I not his daughter? Did he not choose me and I chose him? Who am I if not his beloved? How can I be his beloved when I'm still such a mess? And then, gently, he reminds me. The one place, the one person I truly belong to, is him. He gave me life, how can I not belong? My Father, my God, is where I gain my peace, my joy, he's my counselor, he's everything to me. When I have no one in my life at all I still have him. I belong everywhere I'm at, because of him. 

"When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up." Psalm 27:10 

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Kwamina]

Thanks for responding unicorn2014

I never had a sense of consistency or comfort at home.

I'm sure I sought that out in my marriage as my husband had a very big family which I thought was loving at the time although I had overlooked some hurtful things from his twin sister  and his mother. I sought that out again in my current relationship and then when I found out my partner had BPD I was devastated. Now I am trying to reparent myself and its hard when I have a teen under my roof as I feel as if I have to hide my pain from her.

I can imagine how hard it must have been for you realizing your partner had BPD, after already going through so much with your disordered parents. It is very positive though that you are now able to identify the dynamics and patterns. We can only change the things we are aware of and acknowledge. Re-parenting yourself and trying to heal takes time and can be quite challenging. You are also raising your daughter who has her own struggles too. This definitely means you have a lot on your plate. Your daughter is still just a child so I do think it is important to shield her from certain things and guide her through life as best you can. As you heal more and more and are better able to re-parent yourself, I do believe this will also help you with your daughter. This will hopefully make it easier for you to manage your pain in a constructive manner without feeling like you have to hide this part of yourself.

The place I find a sense of belonging is in my 12 step meetings. I've been a member of some meetings for over a decade and I've really found some help there, mostly in the way of true friendships.

I am glad you found a sense of belonging there because it really is very though when you feel like you don't belong anywhere.

[Kwamina]

Hi purekalm

Thanks for joining the discussion!

When I think about it, the only times I felt like I belonged even somewhat was when I had my cat, and then many years later two others that also stole my heart that none are any longer with me. With them I didn't have to be anyone but me, and they accepted me. I loved them fiercely, because they were like my family. I was always aware though, that no matter how much they accepted me, they could never reciprocate the feelings I felt. They are beautiful and intelligent, but they are not human. (Even though a lot of people act it nowadays,  )

I can very much relate to what you say here! I had two parrots growing up and they were very important to me. They really helped me get through some difficult days, that turned into weeks, then months and then years. I still think about these sweet little parrots a lot

I believe there were plenty of reasons why Adam needed Eve, but mainly I believe it was because every animal but him belonged somewhere. Sure he belonged to God, but there was none like him. Most people only see it as a highly spiritual or procreation story, but it's so much more to me. With Eve, he belonged somewhere, WITH someone. I don't believe that we were meant to be alone. Talking, thinking, interacting is how the best things are made. Especially when those people truly care for one another.

What you say here corresponds with the idea of human beings as 'social animals'. I think you are right that we aren't meant to be alone. As human beings, I think our minds and souls weren't designed to be alone. The fact that my uBPD mother isolated me and always interfered with any contact I had with other people, is something that deeply hurts me. By doing this an important aspect of the experience of being human was taken from me. Good thing those two parrots came along to brighten my days

That one word, belonging, evokes such a strong desire in me. Where do I belong? Belonging ignites the fires of identity, what is my identity? I have to say, against popular opinion, that I didn't truly start to heal or feel like I belonged until I accepted God into my life.

I'm still working on belonging, having my identity in God, because I was so far removed from that truth growing up, that I could belong somewhere and didn't have to be alone forever. I made the mistake of thinking that my husband could be someone I belonged with, until one day he snatched me from the pedestal he put me on and threw me under his feet, never to be picked up again. I put my trust, my hopes, in one person, and it wasn't fair to him. Yes, he did all the damage himself, but my misplaced longing to belong somewhere sat me squarely in that position.

I am glad you feel that you at least have started to heal and are starting to feel like you belong. Both Fie and unicorn2014 have also expressed finding a sense of belonging or a home within oneself.

When you accepted God in your life was perhaps the first time you really felt like you belonged somewhere. Your posts have always made clear that your faith is very important to you. The belonging you are starting to experience makes sense considering:

Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.

One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to inquire in his temple.

For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.



You have found your rock

So, I've asked myself, and given it consideration, where do I belong? Initially, I would say nowhere. But then, don't I belong to God? Am I not his daughter? Did he not choose me and I chose him? Who am I if not his beloved? How can I be his beloved when I'm still such a mess? And then, gently, he reminds me. The one place, the one person I truly belong to, is him. He gave me life, how can I not belong? My Father, my God, is where I gain my peace, my joy, he's my counselor, he's everything to me. When I have no one in my life at all I still have him. I belong everywhere I'm at, because of him.  

You have been through some very tough times, with your parents and FOO and then later with your husband. Raising a child with special needs is also challenging. Your faith has helped you through all of this and I am very glad it has given you the strength and enabled you to find the strength within yourself to persevere. The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.

"When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up." Psalm 27:10  

Thanks for sharing this purekalm!

[unicorn2014]

Hi kwamina, I actually have had a sense of belonging since middle school when I started going over to friends apartments or houses after school. Of course that does not compare to now.

I also belong in my parish so I've got two very strong communities I belong to.

[polly87]

Hi Kwamina,

I didn't feel at home as a kid. I was always being used as a therapist, partner, best friend or some other role I wasn't supposed to play. When I was 11 or 12 I made a friend and her house was the first place that remotely felt like a home to me. We were being left alone by her mother (maybe due to the fact that she was an alcoholic) and I felt free to be myself, at least for the time being. I looked up to my friend and painted her white in my mind. I'm nothing to her now  funny how these things can go.

When I moved in with my ex, he himself felt like home to me. We got too close too soon but I had no idea that it was an unhealthy situation. He didn't know that either because like me he has an uBPD mother. He helped me to move out of my mother's house and I was grateful for that (even though I was too busy dodging my mother's aggression at the time to actually express my gratitude to my ex.) But somehow, even though my ex felt like home,  I always felt incredibly homesick while I lived with him.

It was only when I moved into my current apartment that I've been feeling *really* at home.  Since I've got used to living on my own, I've started to appreciate my home and my life in general. I'm beginning to suspect that this is what it's like to be happy 

[purekalm]

Hey Kwamina,

I still think about these sweet little parrots a lot

I'll never forget my furry friends either. They are forever imprinted on my heart.   

What you say here corresponds with the idea of human beings as 'social animals'. I think you are right that we aren't meant to be alone. As human beings, I think our minds and souls weren't designed to be alone. The fact that my uBPD mother isolated me and always interfered with any contact I had with other people, is something that deeply hurts me. By doing this an important aspect of the experience of being human was taken from me. Good thing those two parrots came along to brighten my days

The most ironic thing about that is I used to believe that maybe some people (me) are just meant to be alone. I actually do like to have my own space, but not all the time. Yes, we had contact at school, church and my grandmother's houses. We never went to birthday parties (besides occasionally only one of my cousin's) or anything and when we did go somewhere we weren't allowed to socialize. We had to come in and say hi and then go back outside unless it was too cold and had to sit somewhere away from the adults and be bored to death and quiet. If we weren't quiet, we were punished severely for making them look bad, so it didn't happen for very long.   

When you accepted God in your life was perhaps the first time you really felt like you belonged somewhere. Your posts have always made clear that your faith is very important to you.

Yes, without him I don't know where I'd be. Honestly, probably dead by my own hand. Without him I have no hope. Yes, because he chose me WITH all my flaws, knowing how horrible I am and could be, all my pain, my mess... .and he loved me anyways. No one's done that for me, not my parents, not anyone. He didn't just like the good things I could do, or the mask I tried to wear for so long, but me, just the way I am. He's helped me to become a better person, to heal from so much pain. I know I still have a long way to go, and I trust God will lead me there. 

One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to inquire in his temple.

This one most of all the three you've written. I want to always dwell with him. My favorite scripture is Psalm 23. I memorized it when I was still young and it's the most comfort to me now. 

You have been through some very tough times, with your parents and FOO and then later with your husband. Raising a child with special needs is also challenging. Your faith has helped you through all of this and I am very glad it has given you the strength and enabled you to find the strength within yourself to persevere. The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower.

It's been pretty tough, though others have had worse times. It's all I could do sometimes to keep my sanity while living with my parents, the constant pain and loss of a husband that never was and trying to raise my son with all that he lacks, while also working through my own issues to better deal with it all. Life has never been easy for me, and sometimes I just pray it would be. Not because I'm special or deserve it, but because I'm just so tired. So very tired of the constant struggle... .:'( Yes, he is all of those things and more, my God, my everything.

"When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up." Psalm 27:10  Thanks for sharing this purekalm!

You're welcome. It's been a lot of comfort to me when I've read it. Even though my parents are still here, they've not truly been parents for me. I don't completely blame them, they didn't have any tools to deal. But, I won't excuse them for what they've done and let happen either.

Belong... .sometimes I wish I could belong with a person as well as God. Even a friend, though I have none. Maybe one day, maybe not at all. I'm trying to be content.  :'( 

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Woolspinner2000]

This is a great topic to explore, Reflective Parrot.  I know that I also have been searching for a place to call home, a place to belong. The word belong and the enveloping comfort it portrays is incredible and causes such a yearning within my own soul.

Like Purekalm, I have also been able to find that sense of home and belonging in my faith.

The one place, the one person I truly belong to, is him. He gave me life, how can I not belong? My Father, my God, is where I gain my peace, my joy, he's my counselor, he's everything to me. When I have no one in my life at all I still have him. I belong everywhere I'm at, because of him. 

When I too, remember how God sees me, then I find comfort and an acceptance far beyond any human acceptance. I see him as The Shepherd of the sheep (I mean llamas  ) per Psalm 23.

Here is a little story that to me illustrates belonging in it's truest sense.

I spoke with my brother a few days ago, and he shared that he had a guinea hen sitting on a nest of eggs. When he went out one morning, he found the guinea hen had been attacked by something and died, leaving her nest of eggs. He wondered what to do with them, then remembered he had a little banty hen who had been trying to sit on what was most likely his breakfast eggs.   He wondered if she would take over the guinea's eggs as her own. He took the eggs to her, and she sat on them. All of them hatched out, little bitty fluffy chicks.

Sometime later he went to check on them, but there were no babies to be found. As he began the search for them, he found them all tucked away, underneath her feathers and wings so that they could hide in safety and warmth. That little banty chose those babies as her own, and they belonged.



Wools

[HappyChappy]

I used to believe that maybe some people (me) are just meant to be alone... .We never went to birthday parties... .or anything and when we did go somewhere we weren't allowed to socialize.

Good point Purekalm. The way a BPD isolates their children must add to this feeling of being unconnected, not belonging.

This has got me thinking about the link between belonging and running away. I ran away from home as a child. When we were legaly allowed to leave home me and my siblings went to the far extremes of our country, as far away as possible. At one point, me and my siblings all lived in different countries to our BPD mom. None of this was consciously planned.

But more recently a close friend twigged that she was moving from house to house, so many moves, was down to her running away from her bad childhood (NPD dad). But the amazing thing is all this behaviour I describe was subconscious and explained away by other things.

But if I listen to the bands that have written about NPD/BPD things, they all have a song about running away. E.g. Artic Monkeys: Old yellow brick road, “... You don’t know what you’re running away from.” Going back to Kawamina's opening point, that lyric made the penny drop for me.

[Woolspinner2000]

HappyChappy,

You make such a great observation and so true! 

But more recently a close friend twigged that she was moving from house to house, so many moves, was down to her running away from her bad childhood (NPD dad). But the amazing thing is all this behaviour I describe was subconscious and explained away by other things.

How many times when I first started into T did I have those  moments when I suddenly understood why I was running away from so many things in my life. Thanks for sharing this point.

Wools

[Kwamina]

Hi polly87

I didn't feel at home as a kid. I was always being used as a therapist, partner, best friend or some other role I wasn't supposed to play.

That is an extremely difficult situation for a child to be in. I recall your previous posts very well and know how difficult your mother made life for you. I am very glad you were able to extricate yourself from that abusive environment.

I looked up to my friend and painted her white in my mind. I'm nothing to her now   funny how these things can go.

Funny indeed! You are no longer talking to your former friend, but are talking to a parrot

When I moved in with my ex, he himself felt like home to me. We got too close too soon but I had no idea that it was an unhealthy situation. He didn't know that either because like me he has an uBPD mother.

Well once we know better we can do better. You have learned from your past experiences and are able to identify the unhealthy dynamics. This will help you moving forward and based on what you've shared, is already helping you

But somehow, even though my ex felt like home,  I always felt incredibly homesick while I lived with him.

I think you feeling homesick makes a lot of sense. You not only moved out of your mother's house, but also all the way across the country. You basically left everything behind, not just your mother but the entire environment you were used to. I can imagine that could definitely contribute to you feeling homesick. Also recovering or distancing yourself from the extreme emotional enmeshment with your mother could lead to such feelings. Not because you liked the way you were being treated, but because it was still all you knew and were used to. Do you too think these factors contributed to you feeling homesick?

Parrot anecdote, when I finally was able to move out of my mother's house I was very happy. Yet I did notice one thing, I felt less safe physically. As mentally and emotionally abusive as my mother was, of one thing I was absolutely certain, if someone would physically hurt her children or even just hint at it, she would do whatever was in her power to take that person out. So I noticed that as I went to bed to sleep in my own house, I actually felt less safe now that I was living alone. Not just because I was living alone but particularly because of the certainty that she would do whatever was necessary to take people out. Who knew having my BPD mom closely watching over me all those years actually also had some positive effects

It was only when I moved into my current apartment that I've been feeling *really* at home.  Since I've got used to living on my own, I've started to appreciate my home and my life in general. I'm beginning to suspect that this is what it's like to be happy  

This is great to hear that you are feeling so much better now!

[Kwamina]

Hi Wools and HappyChappy

Thanks for joining this discussion. The two of you belong here

Here is a little story that to me illustrates belonging in it's truest sense.

I spoke with my brother a few days ago, and he shared that he had a guinea hen sitting on a nest of eggs. When he went out one morning, he found the guinea hen had been attacked by something and died, leaving her nest of eggs. He wondered what to do with them, then remembered he had a little banty hen who had been trying to sit on what was most likely his breakfast eggs.   He wondered if she would take over the guinea's eggs as her own. He took the eggs to her, and she sat on them. All of them hatched out, little bitty fluffy chicks.

Sometime later he went to check on them, but there were no babies to be found. As he began the search for them, he found them all tucked away, underneath her feathers and wings so that they could hide in safety and warmth. That little banty chose those babies as her own, and they belonged.

This is a great story indeed, thanks for sharing it. It also makes me think of how you sometimes feel like all hope is lost and then something amazing happens to lift your spirits.

The story also reminds me of something Harri once said. When responding to other members she felt she sometimes tended to get a bit mother-hennish  That actually is something I also really like about this board, the members are looking out for each other

This has got me thinking about the link between belonging and running away. I ran away from home as a child. When we were legaly allowed to leave home me and my siblings went to the far extremes of our country, as far away as possible. At one point, me and my siblings all lived in different countries to our BPD mom. None of this was consciously planned.

Good point HappyChappy. I think you are right about this, if you don't feel like you belong at home, it would make sense that you would try to get away from there. You and your siblings did not consciously plan this, but perhaps you could see this as a basic 'survival instinct' or coping mechanism. Do you feel like you've been able to find a sense of belonging?

[purekalm]

Hello,

Woolspinner2000,

It's nice to have comfort in the Lord isn't it?  Also, I love your story, that's so great! 

HappyChappy

It is hard to be isolated and then be thrust into the world and not be able to have a good grasp on how social workings are. I got kind of stuck not talking just because it's what I was used to and my opinion didn't really matter because I was a kid, but I wasn't anymore.    

That's awesome you all were able to get away. I bet it kind of shocked you when you realized how far everyone had gone. Both my sister's have moved out and around ages ago, but I've been stuck for one reason or another and I long to be free. Freedom is what I think about a lot. Free from my parents, my husband, all the eyes and expectations, free to be me. Free to raise my son the way I want without all the negative feedback... .sigh... .one day I pray... .

Kwamina

The three months I actually lived away from my parents I also felt this unsafe feeling. Mine was more from always having someone else there and my husband worked nights. My anxiety was so bad I didn't really sleep and every noise would wake me up. I'd get up all throughout the night double and triple checking the locks on the doors and windows to make sure nothing could get in. It was a nightmare. I was so sleep deprived and stressed out, (that's when my husband was the worst and was always screaming at me, even calling the early morning hours to continue doing it/trying to fight me etc.) I didn't even realize that my fear was mainly due to not having another person or adult around. Even as a teenager I shared a room with one or both of my sisters and early on with my younger brother as well. Odd thing is, I was hardly afraid of anything until my husband came into my life. It's like, when he entered, so did fear. Not fear of him, never been afraid OF him, just fear in general.   

polly87

I rarely felt like a kid either and was also used for the same purposes.   It's awesome you're learning to be happy! A big step in the right direction. 

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Turkish]

I roamed when I was a teen. Luckily, I had thousands of acres of forest to roam. Sometimes it would be with my two friends, otfen it was alone. After chores were done, it was preferable to staying at home... .which was a cab over camper.

I moved out in my 18th birthday, roaming. I moved 900 miles away to Oregon, another state, still roaming. My co-worker and buddy, who's known me for 25 years, teases me that I'm no longer a nomad due to being stuck in the house I bought for my family. He joked "so you can't just pack everything in a truck and leave now, can you?" He's right.

In my 40s, I've decided that this is where I will physically stay for the next 15 years. I'm tied by both economics and a custody order.

I wonder, however, how much my nomadic tendencies have to do with running away, like my BPD mom. She took us from the city to the forest (with no running water nor electricity), then to Texas from California for all of 3 weeks where we ended up temporaily homeless, sleeping on the street in a car, a shelter, and then in the car on the way back to Cali.

Me "running away" to Oregon in '97 for three years demonstrated to me the adage, "wherever you go, there you are." I hermited out there, too. I came back to California, kicking and screamng emtionally. I swore I would never return. I've been here 16 years now. I fantasize about leaving again in 15 years after the kids are grown. Though I've calmed down and accepted that I need to stay here given the kids, I wonder if my feelings of being a nomad still means that I have healed, or am I just deferring pain as I've always done?

[Forever to Roam]

I am surprised and pleased that a snippet of a poem I wrote inspired you, Kwamina!  Y'all have seriously unpacked this idea, and it's helped me to realize some of what I felt as I wrote that.

I do have nomadic tendencies and I have recognized them as running-away urges. I have to feel that I can just pack everything up in my vehicle and leave; it helps me feel safe, and like I can escape a bad situation... .something I was never able to do as a kid. My childhood homes (and relationship with my mother) were associated with the feeling of being "stuck." Now, feeling stuck makes me panicky.

Trying to find home, belonging, within myself is the perfect phrase for what I've been searching for. It's something I didn't realize until very recently - when I was showing a friend some art I've made, and she remarked upon the themes of home and seeking that cropped up in nearly every one of them. Somehow, I didn't see it until she did. I have tried to convince myself that I don't need a home, but I am coming to see that I do, if only within myself.

[Kwamina]

Hi Forever to Roam

I am surprised and pleased that a snippet of a poem I wrote inspired you, Kwamina!  Y'all have seriously unpacked this idea, and it's helped me to realize some of what I felt as I wrote that.

Yes you've been very inspiring!

I do have nomadic tendencies and I have recognized them as running-away urges. I have to feel that I can just pack everything up in my vehicle and leave; it helps me feel safe, and like I can escape a bad situation... .something I was never able to do as a kid. My childhood homes (and relationship with my mother) were associated with the feeling of being "stuck." Now, feeling stuck makes me panicky.

This really makes sense to me. If you never felt safe as a child and were always stuck in an unpleasant situation, it makes sense that you develop this coping mechanism of always having an escape plan.

Trying to find home, belonging, within myself is the perfect phrase for what I've been searching for. It's something I didn't realize until very recently - when I was showing a friend some art I've made, and she remarked upon the themes of home and seeking that cropped up in nearly every one of them. Somehow, I didn't see it until she did. I have tried to convince myself that I don't need a home, but I am coming to see that I do, if only within myself.

Do you feel like your search has led you to find a bit of home in yourself? Would you say your nomadic tendencies are just as strong as ever or has the intensity lessened over the years?

[Kwamina]

double and triple checking the locks on the doors and windows to make sure nothing could get in.

This is something I can definitely relate to. I do not get up at night for it but I do still find myself checking the locks multiple times during the day just to be sure and always check before I go to bed.

Odd thing is, I was hardly afraid of anything until my husband came into my life. It's like, when he entered, so did fear. Not fear of him, never been afraid OF him, just fear in general.    

Well perhaps not that odd at all considering what was to come and also what you had already experienced with your parents. It could be that your inner purekalm sensed what was going on before you were fully aware of it. Do you perhaps think that the thought of starting your own family was something that scared you knowing the family you were raised in? Do you think that might be (part of) the reason you felt this fear?

Now to the Wolf!

I wonder, however, how much my nomadic tendencies have to do with running away, like my BPD mom. She took us from the city to the forest (with no running water nor electricity), then to Texas from California for all of 3 weeks where we ended up temporaily homeless, sleeping on the street in a car, a shelter, and then in the car on the way back to Cali.

I can definitely see how these kinds of experiences could cause you to develop nomadic tendencies. Very tough stuff to go through as a child, it makes sense to me that you would try to distance yourself from such an environment.

I wonder if my feelings of being a nomad still means that I have healed, or am I just deferring pain as I've always done?

It could be that these feelings are a manifestation of your old coping mechanism. Can you pinpoint any other feelings you experience when you sense your nomadic tendencies rearing their head? What goes through your mind when you particularly feel like 'roaming' again or what kind of experiences seem to particularly trigger your nomadic tendencies?

[Forever to Roam]

Do you feel like your search has led you to find a bit of home in yourself? Would you say your nomadic tendencies are just as strong as ever or has the intensity lessened over the years?

The urge to roam grew stronger and stronger when I still tried to keep LC with my family, even though that contact was never in person. To the point where I do literally live out of my vehicle, and feel safer because of it. In the year since the start of NC, the urge to flee has calmed a bit. It still occasionally gets triggered by other things: unpleasant situations at work, feeling judged by a friend or family member. It's like there's a little Scar lion in my head, "Run away, Simba. Run, run away! And never return." I rarely actually take off in response to these feelings, but I still make sure that I could.

Side note: I am so glad to find that people in this community understand. Despite some attempts to explain to people close to me why I live the way I do, they never quite understand. Just nods and smiles.

I believe I have found some measure of home in myself. By self-parenting, journalling, learning to both express myself and accept myself. This has been helped along by this community and the lessons available here. So, thank you bpdfamily!

[purekalm]

Hey Kwamina,

This is something I can definitely relate to. I do not get up at night for it but I do still find myself checking the locks multiple times during the day just to be sure and always check before I go to bed.

Back then, it was totally motivated by an uncontrollable fear. Now, it's something I do every night to do the little I can to keep my son safe, all windows and doors locked. =)

Well perhaps not that odd at all considering what was to come and also what you had already experienced with your parents. It could be that your inner purekalm sensed what was going on before you were fully aware of it.

I think this is probably true. I wasn't consciously thinking of it, but somehow I must've known and let myself be blinded and make excuses for him like I had been used to doing for everybody.

Do you perhaps think that the thought of starting your own family was something that scared you knowing the family you were raised in? Do you think that might be (part of) the reason you felt this fear?

Honestly? No, it didn't have anything to do with it. At the time I had already done so much work I didn't really think I had that many issues left... . How NAIVE I was.   I had originally wanted a few children of my own so they would have each other as well as me and their dad. I didn't realize the kind of person I had chosen until it was too late.

The more I've thought about it the more I realize how much fear that my husband had and does still have, even though it presents itself as aggression usually. Fear came with him because it was such a strong emotion he held without acknowledging it. All the sudden someone was afraid for me to do anything and I misjudged it as care in the beginning. I thought I could rely on someone and finally not have to do it all myself, and I was wrong, so very wrong. He's taken the most from me besides my parents.

I think, I've searched for at least one person in this world, besides the Lord, to accept me just the way I am, like I've done for others. I knew the dark sides they tried to hide. I took the nasty words meant to hurt me and forgave them. I saw them when they didn't want anyone to see them, but I'm only accepted in part. In this particular way or that way, not really just me.

I do feel like I belong with my Father (heavenly) although I do struggle at times, but if we're meant to be together, then where is the person that I can get along with? That will accept me, no matter how weird I am? Won't try to control me and just let me be me? I've decided that person or people just don't exist and so the only place I can belong is to my Father, my Lord. So, it seems a part of me will always roam because the part that yearns to belong to another human being will be unfulfilled.

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Kwamina]

Hi again Forever to Roam

It still occasionally gets triggered by other things: unpleasant situations at work, feeling judged by a friend or family member. It's like there's a little Scar lion in my head, "Run away, Simba. Run, run away! And never return." I rarely actually take off in response to these feelings, but I still make sure that I could.

This reminds me of something Pete Walker said:

"Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body that cannot hurt you if you do not run from it or react self-destructively to it."

Though you still experience your fear, it does sound like you are better able to deal with it now.

Side note: I am so glad to find that people in this community understand. Despite some attempts to explain to people close to me why I live the way I do, they never quite understand. Just nods and smiles.

That's one of the great things I like about this forum too

I believe I have found some measure of home in myself. By self-parenting, journalling, learning to both express myself and accept myself. This has been helped along by this community and the lessons available here. So, thank you bpdfamily!

Thank you too for sharing this

[Kwamina]

I think, I've searched for at least one person in this world, besides the Lord, to accept me just the way I am, like I've done for others. I knew the dark sides they tried to hide. I took the nasty words meant to hurt me and forgave them. I saw them when they didn't want anyone to see them, but I'm only accepted in part. In this particular way or that way, not really just me.

I do feel like I belong with my Father (heavenly) although I do struggle at times, but if we're meant to be together, then where is the person that I can get along with? That will accept me, no matter how weird I am? Won't try to control me and just let me be me? I've decided that person or people just don't exist and so the only place I can belong is to my Father, my Lord. So, it seems a part of me will always roam because the part that yearns to belong to another human being will be unfulfilled.

Perhaps the people you have encountered so far were not able to really see you. Perhaps those people are looking at you with certain eyes that don't allow them to see the whole picture:

"But the LORD said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the LORD seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart."

Take care purekalm

[Grey Kitty]

  Pardon me for dropping in here even though the level of dysfunction in my FOO was really way too low to qualify me for this sub-board... .I rambled over here, and the topic is one that just fit me! My childhood was stable--my parents moved when I was six months old from a rental to a house a few blocks away, and didn't move again 'till years after I graduated college. Since then I have had a life alternating years of geographical stability with serious roaming. Started with a months-turning-into-years road trip with my wife in my 20s. Today I'm questioning my roaming lifestyle.

I live on a sailboat, and for the last few years I've been migrating more-or-less with the seasons on the US East Coast. Living alone (after splitting with my wife) has been a whole new wilderness to roam in for me, and roaming from place to place while I do it adds to it, although I do stay put for months at a time upon occasion. Right now I'm probably a week or two's travel away from where I plan to "settle" for summer.

It took me at least a year to find myself at all happy with this life alone. It is only this latest migration of a month or so that I've started accepting my life as it is, instead of feeling like I'm constantly chasing what it "could be" or "should be" once I do a few more boat projects. Now I am really happy with my small movable home itself. Yet I struggle with the kind of community/family I would like to surround myself with, and don't have nearby. Honestly, I don't know that I would be able to do this without electronic communications with friends and family spread across the country (and world).

What is also kindof odd is that the urge to just run away to get away from my problems/myself was one I saw in my wife, and often resisted, as it just felt too compulsive/unhealthy for me to want to run that way. I kinda tend toward the "Not all who wander are lost" attitude more

I'm still sorting out what sort of life I want to build for myself and how much roaming it will include... .and where!

[Kwamina]

Hi Grey Kitty

 Pardon me for dropping in here even though the level of dysfunction in my FOO was really way too low to qualify me for this sub-board... .I rambled over here, and the topic is one that just fit me!

I see you were roaming around again but don't worry about it, glad to have you aboard

Since then I have had a life alternating years of geographical stability with serious roaming. Started with a months-turning-into-years road trip with my wife in my 20s. Today I'm questioning my roaming lifestyle.

Did you feel comfortable with that roaming lifestyle in your 20's? Was it something you really wanted or did your then wife initiate it?

It took me at least a year to find myself at all happy with this life alone.

Do you think this might be the reason you keep roaming/moving around? Keeping yourself moving around so you don't have to sit still and really deal with that sense of being alone, do you think that is why you roam?

Now I am really happy with my small movable home itself. Yet I struggle with the kind of community/family I would like to surround myself with, and don't have nearby. Honestly, I don't know that I would be able to do this without electronic communications with friends and family spread across the country (and world).

I would find it very tough too if I wouldn't be able to have any contact with the people that are important to me. So I think it's definitely a very positive thing that all these forms of electronic communication can at least give you the opportunity to connect to people. It's not the same as having them nearby, but it does allow you to have a sense of connection. I also have family-members living in different continents. We keep in contact but I too sometimes wish we would live closer together. I of course could just fly over there since I'm the Board Parrot!

[Grey Kitty]

Did you feel comfortable with that roaming lifestyle in your 20's? Was it something you really wanted or did your then wife initiate it?

Yes, and yes.

But of course it was her job to come up with more crazy ideas than we could ever do, and my job to shoot down the ones I thought were bad ones. Not like we were enmeshed or codependent, or anything.

It took me at least a year to find myself at all happy with this life alone.

Do you think this might be the reason you keep roaming/moving around? Keeping yourself moving around so you don't have to sit still and really deal with that sense of being alone, do you think that is why you roam?

My time adjusting was not to roaming... .but to doing it as a single guy instead of half a couple and also recovering from the end of a marriage of a couple decades. We had been doing a fairly similar amount of roaming as a couple before we split, and has been for a few years. My darkest days were when I was staying put though, so perhaps that does help.

In fact when we were together, running away (physically) from problems was one thing I put the brakes on, ironically.

Traveling seems to keep me feeling alone almost as much as staying put, on average, but if I find myself in a town where I can't seem to connect with anybody, at least I roll on soon when I'm moving. I spent four months in a town like that not moving this winter.

Honestly my roaming these days is more a natural consequence of the life/lifestyle (and the boat!) that I chose with my wife together, and kinda ended up getting to keep in the split. Living aboard is more of an outdoor life than is normal, and it works a LOT better if I do some following the seasons.

[bethanny]

Kwamina,

I just lost a long comment I had made. 

It is good to find you here offering support and wisdom. Thank you.

I had a dream last night in which I was being terrorized by an older woman trying to destory me.

We faced a paradox growing up. To fully embrace the insanity of the disorder of the uBPD parent may have caused a psychic break, but the denial we therefore often embraced as an alternative was also very psychologically harmful, disempowering and the toxic voice of the uBPD took over our ego and jammed the radar of our intuition and capacity for self love.

As a child I had tremendous compassion and commitment (self-survival part of that commitment) to ease the pain of my parents. But the betrayal of that devotion to them was profound and I blamed myself rather than they when the betrayals happened. Confusion ... .which from Latin means fused with.

I am going to try to post this.

Take care.

Best,

Bethanny

[Kwamina]

Hi bethanny

Good to hear from you again

I had a dream last night in which I was being terrorized by an older woman trying to destory me.

That sounds like a very unpleasant dream. Have you had dreams like this before? Do you think the older woman was your mother or perhaps symbolized your mother?

We faced a paradox growing up. To fully embrace the insanity of the disorder of the uBPD parent may have caused a psychic break, but the denial we therefore often embraced as an alternative was also very psychologically harmful, disempowering and the toxic voice of the uBPD took over our ego and jammed the radar of our intuition and capacity for self love.

As a child I had tremendous compassion and commitment (self-survival part of that commitment) to ease the pain of my parents. But the betrayal of that devotion to them was profound and I blamed myself rather than they when the betrayals happened. Confusion ... .which from Latin means fused with.

What you say here is very true. It is interesting indeed when you look at the Latin meaning of confusionem. To be totally fused or blended/mixed with, seems to quite accurately describe what happens when a disordered parent does not respect their child's boundaries and treats the child more like a part of or extention of themselves, or makes the child responsible for the parent's emotions and well-being.

Take care

[HoneyB33]

Wow, I was just thinking about this.

The thing that I feel the most often when I think of how I really feel is, "I want to go home, but I have no home to go to." It's felt crippling. And it's so exhausting. It's also caused me to settle in so many relationships with ppl (including "friendships" because I was so desperate to have somewhere to belong.

Yesterday I was looking at my tool box, and something I had just randomly wrote inside of it was one word, "Belong". Talk about brutal honesty. I traced that one word into my tool box at around 18, and it's still the same word I feel and face today.

And I also ended up in a relationship with a pwBPD. And that is very much what I was trying to build with them, a place to call home. Yeah, that crashed in a million pieces, in my face, in all the wounds. Now I'm in this amazing relationship, building a new life, and I am terrified to even hope!

It's really good to read other ppl's words, because I don't think many people can even imagine what it is like to endlessly feel like all you want is to go home, but can't, because you have no home. And to roam and roam, looking for where you can possibly build it.