Hi

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi.

I've been sitting on the sidelines for a week or so now, and after some gentle prodding I'm finally ready to jump in.

I suspect my mom has both Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I'll save the full details for a later post, but... .Ever since my son was born (3 years in September), she's been causing problems with my family.  She won't respect boundaries (especially with my wife), insists on maintaining all holidays the exact way they were before my son was born (regardless of the fact that sit down dinners won't work with an over active and picky eater toddler), and insists that anything done in her house must be absolutely done her way.

I've been seeing a therapist off and on since November.  What finally pushed away the cloud in my vision was Easter.  After my wife got upset over something, my mother started waving her finger in my wifes face.  Things escalated, and then my mother threw my wife out or her house.  Not in a, "I think it's time for you to leave" way either.  Straight up, "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE".  When the door won't open, she commanded my wife to leave through the garage.  This all happened so fast, that I wasn't able to step in and stop it.  After that, my mother thinks she's absolutely justified in what she did, and doesn't understand why I don't want to talk to her. 

Most of my family bows to her.  My father is so tired of fighting with her, after 40 years, that he won't do it anymore.  My kid sister, the golden child, thinks that what my mom did was justified.

Through this, and through reading Adult Children of Immature Parents, I'm finally starting to accept that there is something seriously wrong with my parents and sister.  I feel lost at times.  Every piece of the onion I peel back, leads me to be more conflicted and hurt. 

I wouldn't say that I was emotionally abused... .But the after effects, from everything I've read, seem to match.  The best way I can say it is how my father explained his parenting philosophy.  You have to let the world beat you up to learn... .  Kinda of explains how I was raised.  My parents cared for us (brother and sister) my making sure we had clothes and food.  But, I'd be hard pressed to say that there was much emotional support.

Reading this forum has helped.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only person that has dealt with this before.

[BT25]

Hi.

I've been sitting on the sidelines for a week or so now, and after some gentle prodding I'm finally ready to jump in.

I suspect my mom has both Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I'll save the full details for a later post, but... .Ever since my son was born (3 years in September), she's been causing problems with my family.  She won't respect boundaries (especially with my wife), insists on maintaining all holidays the exact way they were before my son was born (regardless of the fact that sit down dinners won't work with an over active and picky eater toddler), and insists that anything done in her house must be absolutely done her way.

I've been seeing a therapist off and on since November.  What finally pushed away the cloud in my vision was Easter.  After my wife got upset over something, my mother started waving her finger in my wifes face.  Things escalated, and then my mother threw my wife out or her house.  Not in a, "I think it's time for you to leave" way either.  Straight up, "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE".  When the door won't open, she commanded my wife to leave through the garage.  This all happened so fast, that I wasn't able to step in and stop it.  After that, my mother thinks she's absolutely justified in what she did, and doesn't understand why I don't want to talk to her. 

Most of my family bows to her.  My father is so tired of fighting with her, after 40 years, that he won't do it anymore.  My kid sister, the golden child, thinks that what my mom did was justified.

Through this, and through reading Adult Children of Immature Parents, I'm finally starting to accept that there is something seriously wrong with my parents and sister.  I feel lost at times.  Every piece of the onion I peel back, leads me to be more conflicted and hurt. 

I wouldn't say that I was emotionally abused... .But the after effects, from everything I've read, seem to match.  The best way I can say it is how my father explained his parenting philosophy.  You have to let the world beat you up to learn... .  Kinda of explains how I was raised.  My parents cared for us (brother and sister) my making sure we had clothes and food.  But, I'd be hard pressed to say that there was much emotional support.

Reading this forum has helped.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only person that has dealt with this before.

[Kwamina]

Hi BT25

I am sorry you are going through this. Having a disordered parent can be very tough indeed. It is very unfortunate that your mother doesn't seem to have any insights into her behavior and does not acknowledge the inappropriateness of her behavior.

Clothes and food are very important, yet a child needs more to prosper. Children also need love, encouragement and support. Unfortunately your mother did not provide much of that.

I am glad you are reaching out for support here and that you have found reading this forum helpful. It has also been my experience that reading the stories of others and the resources here can be very helpful.

Having a support network is invaluable, that's why I think it is also positive that you have the support of a therapist. Does your therapist also suspect your mother has BPD and NPD?

How is your wife dealing with all of this?

[BT25]

Hi Kwamina,

Yes. As did my previous therapist (I switched a few months ago) and the psychiatrist i saw a month ago. General consensus is that she seems to be suffering from both.

It's been hard coming to terms with this. The therapists have definitely helped. I guess, since I am the oldest and took on more then my fair share of responsibility in the family, I felt like this is somehow my problem to fix.  It's taking alot for me to realize that it's not.

At this point, I can't be responsible for someone who confides in a psychic instead of a mental health professional. Yes, psychic. Who tells her all about her passed lives, which she uses to justify her actions.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY BT25:

Welcome to BPD Family

So sorry about your situation.  I learned that my sister likely has BPD, after seeking my own counseling.  Seems to be common that the ones who need the counseling the most don't seek counseling.

Have you read the book, "Stop Walking on Egg Shells"?  After a few weeks of therapy, my therapist recommended it to me.  I got the audio book and a Kindle version of a workbook.  The audio book is a rather easy listen.

Unfortunately, we can't change others, but we can change the ways we react and set some boundaries.

There is a lot of good information on this Website that you should find helpful.  There are some links on the right hand side of the page.  You can, also, go to "The Learning Center" area on the board (find the main index page or use the navigation drop-down at the bottom of this page).  The links below are likely helpful:

Here is a link to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG). 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

This link is to:  SELF-AWARE: What it means to be in the "FOG"

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Here are links to info. and a thread about boundaries - you might find it helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

[BT25]

Thanks Naughty.  Those links are really helpful.