My 1st post - No freedom from my BPD Mom

[Depression = 72% of members]

My mom has not been diagnosed with BPD, but I think she has some or many of the symptoms of it.

She has been the victim of physical, verbal, and sexual abuse, with the first two coming from her parents.

I grew up living with my mom and grandparents. There were constant fights. I spent most of my childhood defending mom to my grandparents. The fights made mom physically sick, so I also spent my childhood taking care of mom.

When I grew up, I got a job and made enough money to be able to take mom and move away from my grandparents. By then, I was in my early 20's and mom wanted to be my friend in addition to my mom. She insisted she looked very young (she did, but didn't look as young as me!), so she wanted to always go out with me and my friends... .even to nightclubs. This made me uncomfortable but mom wouldn't acknowledge my viewpoint.

I got my driver's license but could only afford one car. Mom kept saying I needed more practice driving before I could take the car alone. She ended up being the one to drive... .constantly.

Mom and I were always extremely close. I went along with all this because we were best friends in addition to mom and daughter. That is not to say that the lack of freedom didn't bother me... .it did. I just decided that the fight for my freedom was too much of a hassle and I didn't want to hurt mom. I really loved mom more than anything and other than the dysfunction, she was always wonderful to me.

Fast forward two decades. I'm now in my 40's. Nothing has changed as far as my freedom goes. Mom says I have sleep deprivation (she often wakes me or keeps me up late to spend time with her) and there's lots of bad drivers today, so she still doesn't let me drive the car I own (only she uses it and I can't afford a second car). Although, she now says she wants me to start driving. We will see if she actually lets me. She won't commit to saying when that will happen (I asked).

I've lost all my friends. I've had several short-term failed romantic relationships (partly because of mom and partly because I keep choosing the wrong guys).

Everything changed two years ago when mom started having increased health problems (nothing serious, just an endless string of minor illnesses). She agreed to a minor medical procedure that was not done correctly and caused her some pain. She then shocked me by blaming me for forcing her to get the procedure (dissociating?). She accused me of hating her (splitting?) and started talking about her health every single day since then. She also looks up medical issues online constantly.

Mom complains about her health daily. She has had some legitimate minor illnesses, but it seems like it's a never-ending stream. Also, when she says I made her sick by upsetting her or not giving her dinner on time, I have to think that at least some of her illnesses are either imagined, made up, or brought on by her poor handling of stress. She uses feeling sick as her excuse for everything.

Over the past two years, my mom who generally was wonderful to me, the same person who was my best friend has repeatedly told me I changed, I don't care about her, and has picked fight after fight with me. She constantly says I don't spend enough time with her and gets mad at me for it, but that's not true.

Every time I try to discuss my concerns and how this is affecting me, she calls me selfish and says I need to focus on straightening her life out first. She has a long list of things she wants me to do for her or teach her to do herself. However, I work all day (she's retired and never really held a job) and I am often tired after work. I have done some of the things on her list, but certainly not everything.

A few months ago, we had a huge fight. She got angry at me because I was working on something important with her and I ended up making dinner a little late (before 6 pm though). She kept gaslighting me (VERY common for her to do) for hours. She said she would forgive me if I just heated up her grilled cheese, which she knew she had already half-eaten and dumped out.

Finally, several hours later, she started threatening to make trouble for me. I finally asked her to move out of my home (we have ALWAYS lived together) because I reached my breaking point. At that point, she told me she no longer loves me and made every threat imaginable (non-violent though) to show me how she would destroy every aspect of my life and take away everything that is important to me.

Several hours later, she forgave me and said she loved me, but it gave me a glimpse of mom I've never seen before that really hurt and shocked me.

Both before and after that time, she's gotten angry at me for trivial things and repeatedly accused me of not caring about her. She also keeps gaslighting me a lot. I can't tell if she really is disassociating, trying to antagonize me, or editing the truth to suit her needs.

I recently told mom I see nothing wrong with us having our own friends separate from each other. She got furious and said that goes against our pact that she would get a boyfriend before I get one (What? Friends are not boyfriends and I never agreed to any such thing!) and that I should never want to do anything with friends and without her (abandonment issues?).

Mom pointed out that she always brought me along on her dates with her boyfriend when I was a teenager (I NEVER asked her to do that and besides, they went out plenty of times without me. She's just revising history). I pointed out that when I was little, she used to go out with her friend and didn't take her mother along. Mom said that's not the same thing. I think it absolutely is the same thing.

In the past week, I read the Stop Walking on Eggshells book and minus the self-harm, most of it was like it was written about my mom.

I know I can't tell mom I think she has BPD. She is highly suspicious of doctors and hates medicines.

I greatly miss my best friend, the wonderful mom I used to know. Every time lately that she is happy with me for a little while, I forgive her and then she gets mad at me again.

I feel like I am in prison. I want to travel, have friends, have a boyfriend, and drive. I fear that those things will never happen without my mother there constantly and on her terms. I would be okay with living without mom in my home, but I know that it would destroy her and she could not survive emotionally or financially.

I know mom would not accept us living apart or doing things separately. I wouldn't even know how to begin getting her to agree to any boundaries I create. The only time I am away from her is after she drops me off and before she picks me up at work.

[Finallyawake]

My mom has not been diagnosed with BPD, but I think she has some or many of the symptoms of it.

She has been the victim of physical, verbal, and sexual abuse, with the first two coming from her parents.

I grew up living with my mom and grandparents. There were constant fights. I spent most of my childhood defending mom to my grandparents. The fights made mom physically sick, so I also spent my childhood taking care of mom.

When I grew up, I got a job and made enough money to be able to take mom and move away from my grandparents. By then, I was in my early 20's and mom wanted to be my friend in addition to my mom. She insisted she looked very young (she did, but didn't look as young as me!), so she wanted to always go out with me and my friends... .even to nightclubs. This made me uncomfortable but mom wouldn't acknowledge my viewpoint.

I got my driver's license but could only afford one car. Mom kept saying I needed more practice driving before I could take the car alone. She ended up being the one to drive... .constantly.

Mom and I were always extremely close. I went along with all this because we were best friends in addition to mom and daughter. That is not to say that the lack of freedom didn't bother me... .it did. I just decided that the fight for my freedom was too much of a hassle and I didn't want to hurt mom. I really loved mom more than anything and other than the dysfunction, she was always wonderful to me.

Fast forward two decades. I'm now in my 40's. Nothing has changed as far as my freedom goes. Mom says I have sleep deprivation (she often wakes me or keeps me up late to spend time with her) and there's lots of bad drivers today, so she still doesn't let me drive the car I own (only she uses it and I can't afford a second car). Although, she now says she wants me to start driving. We will see if she actually lets me. She won't commit to saying when that will happen (I asked).

I've lost all my friends. I've had several short-term failed romantic relationships (partly because of mom and partly because I keep choosing the wrong guys).

Everything changed two years ago when mom started having increased health problems (nothing serious, just an endless string of minor illnesses). She agreed to a minor medical procedure that was not done correctly and caused her some pain. She then shocked me by blaming me for forcing her to get the procedure (dissociating?). She accused me of hating her (splitting?) and started talking about her health every single day since then. She also looks up medical issues online constantly.

Mom complains about her health daily. She has had some legitimate minor illnesses, but it seems like it's a never-ending stream. Also, when she says I made her sick by upsetting her or not giving her dinner on time, I have to think that at least some of her illnesses are either imagined, made up, or brought on by her poor handling of stress. She uses feeling sick as her excuse for everything.

Over the past two years, my mom who generally was wonderful to me, the same person who was my best friend has repeatedly told me I changed, I don't care about her, and has picked fight after fight with me. She constantly says I don't spend enough time with her and gets mad at me for it, but that's not true.

Every time I try to discuss my concerns and how this is affecting me, she calls me selfish and says I need to focus on straightening her life out first. She has a long list of things she wants me to do for her or teach her to do herself. However, I work all day (she's retired and never really held a job) and I am often tired after work. I have done some of the things on her list, but certainly not everything.

A few months ago, we had a huge fight. She got angry at me because I was working on something important with her and I ended up making dinner a little late (before 6 pm though). She kept gaslighting me (VERY common for her to do) for hours. She said she would forgive me if I just heated up her grilled cheese, which she knew she had already half-eaten and dumped out.

Finally, several hours later, she started threatening to make trouble for me. I finally asked her to move out of my home (we have ALWAYS lived together) because I reached my breaking point. At that point, she told me she no longer loves me and made every threat imaginable (non-violent though) to show me how she would destroy every aspect of my life and take away everything that is important to me.

Several hours later, she forgave me and said she loved me, but it gave me a glimpse of mom I've never seen before that really hurt and shocked me.

Both before and after that time, she's gotten angry at me for trivial things and repeatedly accused me of not caring about her. She also keeps gaslighting me a lot. I can't tell if she really is disassociating, trying to antagonize me, or editing the truth to suit her needs.

I recently told mom I see nothing wrong with us having our own friends separate from each other. She got furious and said that goes against our pact that she would get a boyfriend before I get one (What? Friends are not boyfriends and I never agreed to any such thing!) and that I should never want to do anything with friends and without her (abandonment issues?).

Mom pointed out that she always brought me along on her dates with her boyfriend when I was a teenager (I NEVER asked her to do that and besides, they went out plenty of times without me. She's just revising history). I pointed out that when I was little, she used to go out with her friend and didn't take her mother along. Mom said that's not the same thing. I think it absolutely is the same thing.

In the past week, I read the Stop Walking on Eggshells book and minus the self-harm, most of it was like it was written about my mom.

I know I can't tell mom I think she has BPD. She is highly suspicious of doctors and hates medicines.

I greatly miss my best friend, the wonderful mom I used to know. Every time lately that she is happy with me for a little while, I forgive her and then she gets mad at me again.

I feel like I am in prison. I want to travel, have friends, have a boyfriend, and drive. I fear that those things will never happen without my mother there constantly and on her terms. I would be okay with living without mom in my home, but I know that it would destroy her and she could not survive emotionally or financially.

I know mom would not accept us living apart or doing things separately. I wouldn't even know how to begin getting her to agree to any boundaries I create. The only time I am away from her is after she drops me off and before she picks me up at work.

[Kwamina]

Hi Finallyawake

Dealing with a BPD parent can be very difficult. Your mother has not been officially diagnosed, but based on your description it becomes clear that she definitely has certain issues. She was also the victim of abuse herself which can seriously affect people. Unfortunately she is now also treating you quite unpleasantly. In my opinion her behavior towards you also constitutes abuse.

I know mom would not accept us living apart or doing things separately. I wouldn't even know how to begin getting her to agree to any boundaries I create. The only time I am away from her is after she drops me off and before she picks me up at work.

When dealing with a BPD parent boundaries are very important. Boundaries are for our own protection and help us preserve our own well-being. We have some material here about boundaries that I suggest you take a look at:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Your mother seems to have a real problem with boundaries. Are you perhaps familiar with the terms emotional enmeshment and parentification? In one of our feature article we discuss these things, here's an excerpt:

Patricia Love, Ed.D., past president of the International Association for Marriage and Family Counseling, defines emotional incest as "a style of parenting in which parents turn to their children, not to their partners, for emotional support."  According to Love, emotionally incestuous parents may appear loving and devoted and they may spend a great deal of time with their children and lavish them with praise and material gifts - but in the final analysis, their love is not a nurturing love, it's a means to satisfy their own needs.

The term "emotional incest" was coined by Kenneth Adams, Ph.D. to label the state of cross-generational bonding within a family, whereby a child (normally of the opposite sex) becomes a surrogate spouse for their mother or father. "Emotional Enmeshment" is another term often used. And the term "emotional parentification" describes a similar concept - it describes the process of role reversal whereby a child is obliged to act as parent to their own parent.

Many parents and children are close. Closeness is healthy and desirable. The difference between a healthy close relationship and an incestuous one is that in a healthy close relationship a parent takes care of a child's needs in an age-appropriate way without making the child feel responsible the emotional needs of the parents needs. In an emotionally incestuous relationship, instead of the parent meeting the needs of the child, the child is meeting the needs of the parent.

Emotional incest happens when the natural boundary between parental caregiver, nurturer, and protector is crossed and the child becomes the defacto caregiver, nurturer and protector of the parent. This typically occurs when a the marriage unravels or when there is a broken family dynamic (e.g., substance abuse, infidelity, mental illness and the dependency upon a child increases.

Do you feel like any of this applies to your relationship with your mother and the way your mother treats you?

You can read the entire article here:

Was Part of Your Childhood Deprived by Emotional Incest?

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

[Finallyawake]

After reading Walking on Eggshells, I do understand about the need for me to set boundaries. Yesterday, I told mom that the next time she gets upset with me, I would be willing to talk it over. However, I will walk away if she starts saying that I don't care about her. Mom said ok and said that she will do the same thing! The funny part is I never tell her she doesn't love me.

For four decades, mom never had boundaries from me. I know she won't be happy about this. I will see what happens when I walk away the next time she accuses me of not caring about her.

I do think she did emotional incest to me. Getting her to honor the boundaries I want to set up will probably be the most stressful thing I have ever had to go through. Keep in mind, my mother thinks it's perfectly okay that even though I'm in my 40's, she won't let me drive and she thinks that I should want to take her with me when I go out with friends. It's very hard to enforce boundaries when if I upset her, she responds by saying she's too sick to take me to work. She has basically ensured that I have no choice other than to depend on her. Sure I could take the car without her permission (since I own it!), but then it would be a huge fight that I can't bear to go through. I somehow have to do this on her terms. I don't even know if or how that would be possible.

[Emily25069]

Finallyawake,

I am so sorry that you have gone through this for your entire life. I can only imagine how difficult this must be.

It seems as though part of you still accepts your mothers behavior as normal. Do you think you are willing to do the work it will take to separate from her?

It will likely be the hardest thing you have ever done.

What you need to do is very simple, but it won't be easy.

Take your car. There is absolutely no reason for you to not take your car. You own it. You have a liscence. Take it. As a matter of fact, there is absolutely no reason for her to be driving your car. If you know this, act on this. It will be hard, but it will be empowering. It is a ridiculous thing that you do not drive your own car. I do not tell you this to judge you, but to anger you. It should make you angry that you have allowed your mother to convince you somehow that you shouldn't be driving. Drive yourself to work. Do it.

She will survive this. She will hate it. She will kick and scream and blame you.

But just because she does this does not mean that you have done something wrong. The problem is hers, not yours. The only problem that is yours is that you are so unwilling to stick up for yourself.

You are not going to be able to do this without causing her pain. Its just not going to happen. She is not going to agree to any of your boundaries. She will hate them.

Do not expect to be able to set boundaries on her terms somehow. It cannot be done.

But what about your pain? It matters that you are in your 40s and cannot drive your own car. That is abuse. She is hurting you. Take a step back. She is hurting you and abusing you and you have the power here to say "NO... things are going to change around here. I am an adult."

Empower yourself.

I know you love her, but what she has done to you is horrible. Believe it. It is not normal for a woman in her 40s to  not drive herself to work. If my mom wanted to come hang with me and my friends, I might invite her to a thing or two, but if she started wanting to come every time, I would tell her that that is entirely inappropriate... .Because it is.


Have you ever been to a counselor before? I would recommend finding one. ANd I wish you good luck.

[Emily25069]

Also...

Have you ever seen Tangled? Is a Disney movie in case you hadn't heard of it.

It is the story of Rapunzel, and it is just a beautifully sweet movie and I could watch it over and over again, but one thing I noticed is that it does speak to enmeshed adult children, especially the words of the opening song "When will my life begin?"

Her fake mother has Rapunzel completely under her control. She is afraid to go outside because of all the dangers that her "mother" has told her about. But she just can't stay. She has to go. ANd though it was hard, she didn't end up regretting it. She found out the truth... that her "mother" wasn't actually her mother at all, but was just keeping Rapunzel captured for her own selfish purposes. Your mother is really your mother, but I believe that the reason she keeps you in bondage is for her own selfish purposes. She is not thinking of you and what is good for you.

You really might get something out of the movie, and if you watch it with your mom and you find your mom biting her fingernails or walking away because she can't stand to watch, it might be because she sees herself in Mother Gothel.

[Turkish]

She has basically ensured that I have no choice other than to depend on her. 

It sounds like she has ensured that she has no choice other than depend upon you. By "ensured" I mean convinced you.

You're an independent woman. You're the Provider and emotional Caretaker.

In every other aspect, she's switched roles with you. Finallyawake is mother, and mom is daughter. Parentification: you taking care of her for probably as long as you can remember. Do you see this? If so, how do you feel about it?

T.

[Finallyawake]

I can't disagree with anything you wrote. If I didn't love mom, it would be so easy to walk away from her. However, I do love her and I need to carefully figure out the boundaries I am going to set up.

What I didn't include in my original post is that many times my mother can be absolutely wonderful to me. I don't view my mother as all bad. If I did, then I would be guilty of splitting- the very thing my mom does to me at times. Regardless, I am NOT going to let the good times stop me from establishing boundaries and eventually claiming some independence for myself.

I long for a normal relationship with mom, although I have only now come to accept that it would be impossible for her.

It took me four decades to be finally awake and realize that mom is most likely BPD or at least has BPD symptoms. I can't just rip off the band aid. I need to set boundaries  carefully... .but I will do this. I am not going to keep things as they were all along.

I just got another book. This time I got The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. I am going to use it to figure out the whole boundary thing.

I agree that Mom will hate the boundaries. I am hoping this new book I got will offer some insight into doing this. Keep in mind that I haven't ever driven regularly, even though I have a license. Mom never let me. I probably have driven less than 10 hours total in my entire life. I definitely do need practice. It's got to be baby steps. However, baby steps are still better than being totally in denial. Please realize that I only fully admitted to myself less than three months ago that there is a serious problem with my mother. Also, yesterday was the first time that anyone ever told me that my mother has and is emotionally abusing me. Hearing this from two people on this message board was a bit shocking, but I do agree with this assessment.

I dream of being free. I will try to watch Tangled this weekend. It looks excellent. Thank you for recommending it. I am so happy I found this message board. I no longer feel alone. What a great community this is.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Finallyawake

I am glad you no longer feel alone

Keep in mind, my mother thinks it's perfectly okay that even though I'm in my 40's, she won't let me drive and she thinks that I should want to take her with me when I go out with friends. It's very hard to enforce boundaries when if I upset her, she responds by saying she's too sick to take me to work. She has basically ensured that I have no choice other than to depend on her. Sure I could take the car without her permission (since I own it!), but then it would be a huge fight that I can't bear to go through. I somehow have to do this on her terms. I don't even know if or how that would be possible.

I think it is important to keep in mind that boundaries are not about the other person. Boundaries are about you, the values you have, the boundaries related to those values and the actions you are willing to take to enforce/defend those boundaries. Boundaries are about you, about protecting yourself and being mindful of your own needs.

Are you familiar with the concept of FOG? We have an article about it, here's a short excerpt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Do you feel like this applies to relationship you have with your mother? Do you feel like you are letting yourself be controlled by your mother out of fear, obligation and/or guilt?

Here's another excerpt:

Are You Rewarding Bad Behavior?

It’s easy to focus on other people’s behavior and to think that if they change, things will be fine. But does that make practical sense in matters such as these?  In many ways, this problem is more disturbing and costly for us as we are the ones on the short end of the transaction. As adults, there is something we can do about it.

With knowledge can come change.  

The price we pay when we repeatedly yield to unfavorable demands is enormous. It eats away at us and escalates until it puts our most important relationships and our whole sense of self-respect in jeopardy. Our compliance condones bad behavior and every time we reward someone for a particular action, whether we realize it or not, we’re letting them know in the strongest possible terms that they can do it again.

Change has to begin with us.  We are not helpless. We need to act.

How do you feel about this quote? Does it make sense to you?

You can read the entire article here:

Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

You fear how your mother will react to you setting boundaries with her. Perhaps it will help to keep the following in mind: "Be ready for some pushback or more aggressive responses. Often things will get worse before they then get better - our resolve will be tested - this is common in any type of relationship retraining.  We need to have perseverance and confidence that both sides will eventually adjust, and it  will end or reduce the feelings of being controlled."

I am glad you are now awakening to the reality of who your mother is, that she likely has BPD and that her behavior is indeed abusive. This isn't an easy reality to accept, but it is what it is (we say that a lot on these boards). You cannot make you mother change if she does not want to, but what you can change is your own behavior and how you respond to her. By changing that, you will change the dynamics of the relationship with your mother, regardless of whether she changes or not.

The Board Parrot

[Finallyawake]

I am starting to understand about the boundaries. I am not ready to implement them just yet. I need to clearly decide what I want/need and implement them carefully. I don't want to rush in and implement them before I had a chance to really prepare for what is the scariest thing I've faced.

Regarding FOG, I have read about this a little. I do FEAR my mother. When she views me as all bad, it hurts my emotions terribly. When she gets really angry, I do catch myself shaking occasionally and I do cry. I don't do either of those excessively though.

Regarding OBLIGATION, I know that she has no one else but me. She is highly dependent on me emotionally and could not afford a place to live if she were on her own. I cannot bear to think of her having to fend for herself. I don't think she would survive.

Regarding GUILT, I don't feel guilty at all for wanting to drive, going out with friends, and tending to my own needs. I would feel guilty if mom felt scared because I wasn't there to shield her. I have seen her panic when under a lot of stress. I am always able to rescue her and make her perceived problems go away.

I want to read the new book I got and see what recommendations I can put to use. I did read the tips in the FOG article. Mom didn't want to take me to work today, but I negotiated and got her to take me late and possibly to let me make up my hours tomorrow. Yes, I know how messed up this sounds, coming from a woman in her 40's. I want to change this situation, but I must do it carefully.

[Emily25069]

I would also recommend the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. It explains so much of why boundaries are so important.

I am glad you are here. Do you have any possible support group in real life?

[Fie]

Hello Finallyawake,

I can only agree that what your mum is doing to you is terrible. It sounds like you and your mum are living like a siamese twin ... .I understand  all about fog - my mum is BPD too.

But do you rationally think you are obliged to live like that ?

What would you tell your best friend when she'd tell you she'd give in each time her mum emotionally blackmailed her ?

Mom didn't want to take me to work today, but I negotiated and got her to take me late and possibly to let me make up my hours tomorrow.

My dear, I can tell you do want to set boundaries, but you feel guilty and you are afraid of the reactions of your mum. Have you considered counseling, so someone can guide you into this ?

I think I can tell that driving your car is something you would like to start with, as a boundary. Is that correct ?

In that case, maybe you can start having little drives, to get used to driving again, in the weekend, or at night after work ? Maybe you are getting nervous about setting a boundary with the car, as well as having the stress of not knowing if you can still drive ... .so maybe practising can be a good idea and might also provoke less agressive reactions of your  mum, so you have  a bit less to worry about ?

[Sarah girl]

Hello Finallyawake,

Your story is so similar to mine. The person I wanted to rescue my mom from was my dad. Over the years, I replaced him as her emotional partner. My entire purpose in life was to save her. But she couldn't be saved. When I met my husband in my twenties (then boyfriend), she told me that I shouldn't be looking for love elsewhere as I had plenty from her. She thinks we have a pact to destroy my dad. She told me she would cut all ties with me if I ever attempted to contact him.

My mom drove me to and from work in my own car for seven years when I was in my twenties. I'm in my forties and to this day, I'm hesitant to drive. But I try as much as possible. Every time I feel courageous, I take the car. I understand how powerful this fear of driving can be. I have my own home and family and still it's hard to bring myself to drive.

I now know that this fear she instilled in me was to keep me dependent on her in some way. It is nothing to be embarrassed about and it can be worked through. I think people who have survived BPD parents are some of the bravest and most resourceful people. 

I totally get that you are just beginning to peel the layers and it will take time. In my case, it's taking years to come to terms with all the memories, behaviours and trauma. I know I will realize new things that will be deeply upsetting. But I will heal or at least try.

You are on the right track and boundaries will not happen overnight. Take the time you need. 

 

[Finallyawake]

Oh my goodness Sarah girl, you are making me realize I am not alone in experiencing this! Yes, your story sounds so similar to mine! Instead of you and your mom against your dad, it was me and my mom against my grandparents. My dream growing up was to someday rescue my mom from my grandparents. I made that dream come true. Now look at the situation that led to!

Can you tell me what happened between you and your mom? How did you convince her to let you drive? I am curious if you cut off all contact or set boundaries. I only ask because I am trying to figure out these issues with my mom. Please only share this if you feel comfortable doing so.

Also, thank you to everyone who has responded so far. I take all of your comments seriously. They really do help. I look forward to reading anyone's additional posts. I was afraid to do my first post. I suppose this is the first of many things related to BPD that I am learning not to be afraid to face.

As much as I want to live my own life, I just don't think my mom could survive without me. The more I think about this, the more I think that in addition to boundaries, I've got to find more people for her to depend on. She has expressed interest in this, so it may not be that hard. We will see.

My mom has had physical health issues since I was a little girl, but for the past two years, it's been an endless stream. This makes it hard for me to take any action because as soon as I want to do anything, she says ok but we just have to wait until she is well.

I am continuing reading The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. Thank you for the words of encouragement. It hasn't even been a full week yet since I learned what borderline personality disorder is. From what I read so far, it seems like my mom is a high-functioning BPD.

I learned about Borderline Personality Disorder by reading Stop Walking on Eggshells. I suddenly had an explanation for my mother's behavior. The description of BPD and my mom's behavior are so extremely close. It makes me feel like the character Neo in the movie The Matrix when for the first time he learned what the Matrix really was. That is why I feel awake for the first time. You can't begin to solve a problem if you don't know what the problem is. At least I now understand what is going on.

[Sarah girl]

Can you tell me what happened between you and your mom? How did you convince her to let you drive? I am curious if you cut off all contact or set boundaries. I only ask because I am trying to figure out these issues with my mom. Please only share this if you feel comfortable doing so.

I never convinced her to let me drive. I got married and moved out. To this day, if we have to go somewhere together, she drives. It's funny because she's a very reckless driver who gets bouts of road rage. This said, I haven't been in her car for over two years. There was an incident with my kids a couple of years back. She took them to the mall one day when I was at work (long story how that came about). My kids told me she got into an accident on the way there. When I asked my mom about it, she had a psychotic episode right in front of my children and even raged at my daughter. No one has been in a car with her since.

A couple of years ago, I started to call her less often. She expected to be called at least once a day. I reduced it to every other day and then to every third day. Now it's once or twice a week and we usually have short and rather formal conversations. I don't tell her much about my life. I feel that the less she knows, the happier and freer I feel.

Even though I've been married for 14 years, she has always tried to be at the center of my life and interfere in my marriage. When I became a mom, she tried to undermine my parenting and her constant meddling hurt my family deeply. I am only now starting to feel like my life is beginning. I feel like my own voice is emerging from the years of speaking and living on behalf of someone else.

Setting boundaries was very difficult. She cursed me, accused me of all kinds of things and even checked herself into the hospital once. She is a Queen/Witch who reverts to Waif when she gets desperate. Very high-functioning, but willing to give everything up to force others to her aid.

I have been where you are. I understand the feeling of not wanting to leave her. You will find your way. She is a grown woman. Even though she has health issues, you can only do so much for her. Whatever you do, remember, don't do it to your detriment. You can't take care of anyone if you yourself are hurting and drained. It is not up to you to take care of her. She has a responsibility to herself. A therapist once told me that whatever happens to my mom as a result of my boundary-setting is really hers to own. Everybody has the right to be free.

In addition to the suggestion to watch movie Tangled (which really hit home for me as well), take a listen to this song. It basically verbalizes everything I feel about the situation. I always feel better after hearing it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHeK0Cwr9sg&list=RDmHeK0Cwr9sg

I recently got a job in another town. I will be relocating in a few months and am absolutely thrilled about it. I do feel a lot of guilt, but life is so much more peaceful without her turmoil. The less contact I have with her, the healthier and happier I feel.

With counselling, you can start to figure out how to work boundaries into your own life. You're already becoming conscious of what is not ok. This is progress. You are better off than you were a week ago.

[Finallyawake]

I watched the YouTube link you provided for "Hero" and I thought that I've had songs that reminded me of previous boyfriends, but "Hero" could be my song with my mom. Yes, that is very appropriate and could have easily been written by or for a non-bp to the BP in their life.

Then, all of a sudden I had a flashback... .something I haven't thought of for decades. My mom actually picked out a song that symbolized our relationship together when I was a really little girl. I remembered it was called "You and me against the world". I remember dancing slow to that song with my mom multiple times. I also remember that there was something in the lyrics that made me cry back then.

Today, I searched for that song. Sure enough, my memory was 100% correct. I had the right title and it was written by Helen Reddy in 1975. I have not heard that song since it was new and played regularly in the radio. I remember crying when I heard the lyrics back then because it stated that one day one of us will be gone and memories will have to do.

Please check out the video and the lyrics. It could easily have been written for or by a BPD to their non-BP. Hearing the lyrics now, they strike me as a song about love. But then I think about it more and I feel sad for what my mom has gone through because of BPD. Then, finally, I feel both sad and terrified by the lyrics because of what I went through as the non-BP in her life all this time. By the way, I don't like the song at all.

Listening to the song now gives me insight to my mom's thinking back when I was little. I think I have learned more about myself and my mother in the past week than I have in my entire life.

Here's the link to the video:

https://youtu.be/qxd-7dTsUfQ

Here's the link to the lyrics:

https://play.google.com/music/preview/Tf3rqkyfllailgqt5k2paflgkwa?lyrics=1&utm_source=google&utm_medium=search&utm_campaign=lyrics&pcampaignid=kp-lyrics

[Sarah girl]

Oh wow, yes that could be the anthem for my BPD mom   . Very scary how this attitude can impact a child who doesn't understand the disorder and is made to feel responsible and utterly isolated. I know that people who haven't been impacted by BPD might interpret this song as an expression of love and commitment. I think that isolation is part of abuse. To tell someone that they will never have anyone else in their lives is misleading and self-serving. 

The one thing I did to deal with my guilt and set boundaries was break out of the isolation and establish friendships. My mom always drove a wedge between anyone I developed a closeness to so I actually had to start from scratch. I keep my personal life very separate from her now. Thanks for sharing.    

[Finallyawake]

Today was tough for me. Since Mom lives in my home, I see her every day. She has no idea about BPD and has no idea there's anything wrong with her. She knows that she's had a difficult life but she trusts her thoughts, feelings, and actions are normal. Currently, she thinks I am being good and she's happy with me.

I have to keep my discovery of her most likely having BPD a secret from her (I'm close to 100% sure at this point that she has it). I also have to keep the fact that I now know she has been emotionally abusing me my whole life a secret from her. I need to keep this to myself while I educate myself on how to set boundaries and change this situation once and for all. This is something I won't rush but I am now going to be working on daily. When I was in a different room from her today, I couldn't stop crying, thinking about all that I now know.

I had an important realization this afternoon. My big fear has always been that my mother would not be able to take care of herself without me. It's that whole FOG thing. But today I realized I'm the one with the home and car. I'm the one who is the caregiver. I'm the one she depends on. I only depend on her to drive me because she created that dependency. I could easily practice driving and get good at it. Mom can't easily get a home, car, and a caregiver she trusts like she trusts me.

I could survive without her, but she would have a hard time surviving without me. Therefore, I hold all the cards in my hand! She has to go along with the boundaries I set up. She really has no choice. She may get really angry, threaten me, and say horrible things to me again when I eventually choose to have the conversation about boundaries with her at some point. However, she is a high functioning BP and I don't believe she would ever physically harm herself or me.

My plan is to drive, eventually get a 2nd car (I will save up so both she and I can have our own cars), and have friends and a boyfriend that I see without bringing her along regularly. I agree that mom isolating me all these years is part of the abuse. Not only do I want my own friends, I also want to help my mom to make some friends of her own to give her more of a separate identity from me.

Now if my mom totally rejects my boundaries, she can choose to leave.  I will not tell her that, but that is always her choice, as it is with any adult. I am not going to abandon her, but I am no longer going to live my life like I am in prison. If mom actually does leave, then I will not feel FOG because I will not be the one to make that decision.

I was quietly angry at my mom since I was a teenager. I always thought she was so controlling because she was lonely, possessive, selfish, and stubborn. I thought she didn't want me to drive because she was trying to protect me from bad drivers. I thought she wanted to be with me and my friends because she couldn't deal with being older (like some narcissist vanity issue). I was angry because I thought she could change her ways if she wanted to. I know understand that I was wrong. It is not her fault she has BPD.

I now also have decided that I can no longer continue to live like I am in her prison. I am going to learn strategies to change my situation. I have just started reading the Power Tools section of The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. I think it may take a few months for me to take action in regards to my boundaries, but I am okay with that.

[Turkish]

You've come a long way in a short while, but it sounds like you've been waking up a long time. Start with all boundaries as a warm up. Think of it like practice, honing your skills

[Naughty Nibbler]

Finallyawake:

Good job!  You sound so empowered!

If you can afford it, perhaps you could pay for some driving lessons.  It could help boost your confidence. 

Sometime it can help to break down your goals in steps.  The end goal, can seem far away, but when you look at accomplishing milestones along the way, it can keep you going. 

For example:

Sign up for driving lessons.  (complete in one month)

Take short trips in the car, when there is little traffic (complete by month 2)

Take short trips in car, with moderate traffic (complete by month 3)

Drive to work (month 4)

[Fie]

Hello Finallyawake,

I just wanted to tell you that I feel really happy reading your last post. I feel like a little sunshine has risen in my head :-)

[Sarah girl]

It took a lifetime to wake up, it will certainly take time to make changes. It seems that your thought processes are already changing. I agree with the other posters that this is tremendous progress in a very short amount of time. You have a lot to be proud of    

[Finallyawake]

Today was another hard day for me. I am so filled with emotions. I desperately want my freedom. I found myself crying a little and then feeling anger towards my mother for what she's done to me my whole life... .or what I let her do to me. I want to tell her immediately that I'm not taking this anymore. But then I stop myself and resolve to do this the right way and carefully.

At the same time, Mom is currently sick with an illness that probably should be all better within a week or so. I've been giving her prescribed medicine, taking her to the doctor, doing home remedies, and basically being her nurse.

Just when I think to myself that I am this horrible person for feeling anger towards her when she's legitimately feeling physically sick, she said something awful to me that immediately lifted the FOG.

Because she's been sick, it's been like 8 weeks since she went to the hair salon to get her hair colored. This evening, Mom said to me that she's worried she will feel too sick to make it to her hair appointment. I said with it being the weekend, if she's feeling too sick, perhaps she should reschedule and just rest for the next few days. This made Mom get really angry! She replied to me by saying that she is too embarrassed to be seen the way her hair looks, so if she can't keep her hair appointment tomorrow, then she just won't take me to work until she gets her hair done!

When she makes threats like that, it makes me realize that the real reason she doesn't want me driving is only so she has something to threaten me with.

I saw Tangled while Mom was sleeping tonight. It was great and terrifying because I saw so much of myself and my mother in that movie.

[Turkish]

How did you respond when she said that?

On the one hand, you could validate her feelings using S.E.T.

On the other hand, "That's ok. I've made other arrangements." Better if it's not a bluff  

[Kwamina]

I found myself crying a little and then feeling anger towards my mother for what she's done to me my whole life... .or what I let her do to me.

... .

Just when I think to myself that I am this horrible person for feeling anger towards her

I think the emotions you are experiencing are quite understandable and normal, also the anger. Anger is part of the healing process and can actually help us move forward if we are able to process the anger in a constructive manner and don't get stuck in it. Have you seen the Survivors' Guide for Adults who suffered childhood abuse in the right-hand side margin of this board? The guide takes you from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages each consiting of 7 steps. Anger is mentioned in several of these steps:

"6. I can respect my shame and anger as a consequence of my abuse, but shall try not to turn it against myself or others.

10. I can control my anger and find healthy outlets for my aggression."

I encourage you to take a look at this guide if you haven't done so already. You are coming to a lot of new realizations about your life and this guide can help you deal with all of this. The first step is:

"1. I am in a breakthrough crisis, having gained some sense of my abuse."

Do you feel like this past week has been your breakthrough crisis?

Take care

[Finallyawake]

Yes, this is certainly my breakthrough crisis. I am trying to follow the guide.

Please look at what happened last night. Since I'm new here, I don't know if this next thing belongs in a separate topic or if I should put it here. But here it is... .

When I went to sleep last night, mom woke me because she wasn't feeling well. I stayed up with her for a little while and then told her I'm tired and I've been up late for the last three nights with her and have had less than 5 hours sleep each night. Of course, the truth is that it's 50% because of her and 50% because I've been reading the books on BPD, which of course she doesn't know.

Mom then totally gaslights me by saying she's so excited we are going to spend time together now and she's so happy I'm all caught up with my sleep.

So I say to mom that we should pick our a mutually convenient time to spend together and she actually says, "How about in the mornings?" Of course, she said that to antagonize me because that is when I am at work. She keeps rubbing in that I have to depend on her to get to work (because she makes me depend on her). I think it's disgusting what she is doing.

So to spend time together, all she chose to do was talk about her physical health and medical concerns. She's become obsessed with her physical health. She talks about it constantly and on average reads about 150 medical articles online about her health each month. Every time we talk, she has to give me a running list of her symptoms. She second guesses her doctors constantly. She refuses most test and medicines. The ones she takes, she criticizes as either unnecessary or done wrong.

Mom also disassociates whenever she gets medical procedures done. Last week, she had something minor done. During the procedure, I asked her if she is okay and if she wanted the doctor to stop. Mom clearly said it was okay for the doctor to continue. Then a few days later. Mom twisted it around and said she was upset with me because she said she told me to make the doctor stop and I ignored her!

Does anyone else with BPD obsess over their health like this? She uses her health as an excuse for everything she can't do or won't let me do. I know some of the things are legit but I don't believe all of the illnesses are real.

When I was a kid, she said she couldn't work because she had an ulcer and that she would get viruses that lasted for months because she was "made sick" by my abusive grandparents.

Decades later, being sick allows her to have an endless stream of excuses, complaints, criticisms of doctors, and forces me in the caregiver role.

If only there was some way I could get her to look into BPD with the passion that she will look up every single physical illness known to mankind that she thinks she has. I know she would pour over every detail, but I don't know how to bring it up. I am afraid because she is high functioning, she will deny it. Mom has no idea she's got BPD.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Finallyawake

If only there was some way I could get her to look into BPD with the passion that she will look up every single physical illness known to mankind that she thinks she has. I know she would pour over every detail, but I don't know how to bring it up. I am afraid because she is high functioning, she will deny it. Mom has no idea she's got BPD.

Based on the many stories I have read here, telling a family-member that she/he has BPD often does not go well.

Do you feel like your mother has ever in any way acknowledged that there might be something wrong with the way she behaves and treats you?

In general, there are things you can do that might help you better communicate with your mother. Turkish already mentioned the S.E.T. technique to you and there are also others. The communication techniques can help you reduce the likelihood of further conflict while maximizing the likelihood of you being able to speak your truth and possibly getting through to the other person. These structured ways of communicating can also help you remain more calm yourself. I have selected a few for you:

Validation

Express yourself - S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth

Assert yourself - D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate

[Finallyawake]

I decided that since Mom is incredibly preoccupied with all things health related that I would take a chance and tell her about BPD. It wasn't horrible, but it didn't go very well. I never told her what it was called. I discussed the symptoms. She partially agreed she had some of them. However, she calls it being dysfunctional. I pointed out that I can see it's gone on in our family for a few generations. She said that's what happens when someone dysfunctional raises someone else. She did argue with me after I discussed this, but it wasn't too bad.

Mom said she wants to stop being dysfunctional. However, her recipe for doing that is to get a boyfriend, maybe some friends, and learn how to do things herself that she currently depends on me for. I told her I have a list of things I want too. I want friends, a boyfriend, and I want to drive.

It was bizarre. She insisted that the only reason "she's not letting me" drive is because I am sleep deprived. She gets very defensive when I talk about driving. She said it's an obsession of mine and she thinks it's strange. (Right, because a woman in her 40's who owns a car, has her license, who has to have her mother drive her around, and needs her mother's permission to drive is NOT strange. Right.). She asked me why I keep thinking that she doesn't want me to drive. I didn't answer her. I am proud of myself though because no matter what she said, I did not change my message and did not back down. I let her know that I will work towards getting more sleep, but I will drive regularly and that is how the conversation ended. I got the last word and she did not object. I don't have a start date defined yet, but I will be working in that. This alone is progress.

Then when I said I want to have friends of my own that I go out with without her, she said that is okay as long as she has her own friends and a boyfriend. While I think that is unfair, I will happily help her get friends and a boyfriend if it means I will have her off my back!

Of course, I was not able to address her splitting, her occasional rages, her gaslighting, her jealousy, how I was never given a choice to be her caregiver, etc.

So my basic plan is to get her to be less dependent on me, me to drive, and me to have friends, a boyfriend, and a life separate from her.

The big question is can I trust her to keep her word to become "less dysfunctional" as she calls it. I will play by her rules for the next few months, see what happens, and then reassess. The only difference between now and my entire life previously is that I am now fully aware of what is really is going on. I will have a constant awareness of what I want for my life and will continually work towards my goals.

Of course, Mom called me selfish and said that her life is a lot more dysfunctional than mine (I agree, although I would use the word "BPD" instead of dysfunctional to describe her). For the first time, when Mom called me selfish, I took it as a compliment! I think my self esteem has improved and I think I have a lot less FOG now.

Ideally, I would like to live on my own. However, this is my home, so I actually can't leave. She would need to be the one to go. I cannot think of a nice way to get Mom to move out. I imagine it would be rather uncomfortable for her to get an eviction notice! At this point, I am not planning on asking her to leave. That probably would result in a lot of raging from her. This is why I have to be very slow and careful as I work to establish boundaries. I will also work on improving my communication skills. That book "Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder" is very helpful with this. I will also read those links you provided Kwamina.

My advice to anyone with a BPD parent is don't buy your own home and have your BPD parent move in with you. You can't easily leave or get them out. Renting is much easier. That way, you could just leave if you want. Back when I rented, I didn't know about BPD. If only I knew then.

[Rock Chick]

The big question is can I trust her to keep her word to become "less dysfunctional" as she calls it. I will play by her rules for the next few months, see what happens, and then reassess. My advice to anyone with a BPD parent is don't buy your own home and have your BPD parent move in with you. You can't easily leave or get them out. Renting is much easier. That way, you could just leave if you want. Back when I rented, I didn't know about BPD. If only I knew then.

Our BPD says she will change/become better/become less dysfunctional she even promises on her mothers grave and says trust her. However she has been promising this for what will be 2 yrs 7th November. There really has been no change, there is broken promises, we cant trust her still. She is getting into cars with strangers again, begging for money from strangers/us again, borrowing money from strangers/us again, drinking again (she tries to hide it by doing when we are sleeping or we are not there but we always find out after and during it happening) and whats most alarming and scary is she is taking pain killers like narco (even taking more than prescribed a fair share of days), and a few weeks ago flexiral (or however spell), etc and those r in her system while drinking. We are afraid its gonna kill her or damage her liver etc. Trusting is a hard thing to do with BPDs well at least with my bf's mother its hard for us to trust her when she does things like mentioned and lots other stuff.  Finallyawake, I really hope your mom sticks to her word and becomes less dysfunctional as she calls it and the trust can grow as she sticks to things.

As for advice about house and moving in thats very good advice ones given. We are in a situation with my bf's mother right now. He wants to move on with his life and get a house and not stay in same apartment despite him being her part time Medicaid/dhs caregiver. But he is stuck right now and it's not possible unless he wants to live on streets. I really cant see her moving in with him being a good idea. I would never agree to it (he really doesnt want to agree to it) and even if I or he did agree there would have to be a legal document/agreement she have to sign and follow. If she couldn't follow it she would be out before the amount of time we allow her to be there. But my fear is that even if she'd sign it she wont leave when the time is up (12 to 24 months) and follow whats in agreement. So then what would we do... .would we call the cops? Ugh its so hopeless and frustrating etc.

I wish you much success Finallyawake. Hugs.

[Sarah girl]

So glad you were able to start a dialogue. This is huge progress. I agree with others that her promises will probably never be honored. What's important is that you are aware of her attempts at FOG. You are not obligated to ensure that she has a boyfriend and social life before you can enjoy your own life. That is not fair. You do not "owe" her in any way. She fabricated this dependence on her so that she can ensure that you will stick around. As you say, she's highly functional. My guess is that she can probably look after her own needs.

I had a thought which may or may not be helpful, so please just disregard if it's not useful  . Is it possible for you to tell her that you'd like to get your own place to be closer to work? You can put your place up for sale and she would have some time to make arrangements to get her own place until your house sells. It wouldn't be such a bad thing to be within walking distance or just a very short drive away from work. It might help with getting used to driving at your own pace and having the option to not drive and still go into work.   

I have a colleague who looks after her elderly mom. She has rented a separate apartment for her mom in her own building because she needs to have her own space and her own life. She monitors her mom and is close by in case of emergency, but keeps her own life and space private. Food for thought... .

[Finallyawake]

There has been times in the past when Mom had a guy in her life or friends and then she gave me a little more space. The problem back then was that I wasn't aware of the BPD and the emotional abuse that I was taking from her. When I had those opportunities for freedom, I didn't take advantage of them as I should have. Now that I understand, I will NOT make that mistake again.

Also, after years of catering to my mother's needs, I've got no friends or a boyfriend that I get together with regularly, so it's really no big deal for me to step up the efforts to help Mom with her issues first... .especially if it makes my life easier. I know that I'm under no obligation to help her and yes it's unfair and yes she fabricated the dependency that she made me have on her. Once I have Mom off my back, I'm all set to get on with my life... .and I look forward to that!

I've been practicing using empathy statements with her and she seems to respond well to it. I read that BPD's need that. They weren't kidding! The book I've been reading refers to BPD as a communication dyslexia, meaning her thoughts, feelings, and words come out backwards and all messed up. That helps me to understand what I'm dealing with. Interestingly, Mom has trouble understanding what she reads at times. I wonder if that is related somehow. I'd bet it is.

Anyway, thanks for the advice about selling the house. I live close enough to work to not be able to justify that and yet just far enough that I can't walk to work. Selling is not currently an option.

For me, getting my freedom will be a slow process. However, at least now I am honest with myself to admit that is what I want. I also now understand the situation for what it really is.