Tentative contact after several years, sort of

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So I have not spoken or been in contact with either parent for years.  Dad has been the longest stretch, since 1997, save for a few instances where he stalked me at work to force contact.  Mom was on again, off again NC, because of the two, she was the one for whom I was more often a caretaker.  I try to joke about it, saying she's my wayward teen daughter in her late 60s.  Anyway, after the last bout of her giving out my number to creditors, who called me at all times and didn't believe I was not in consistent contact with or even in the same state as my own mother, I resorted to total NC.  That was probably about 2012-ish.  I have thought about contact off and on, both because others have pushed me to do it, and because of holidays and milestones in my life, and the panic it caused would make me just maintain NC.

But I just got married two weeks ago.  For many reasons, including my family's dysfunctions as well as FI's family issues, we eloped out of the country.  And it has made me very sad at times to have a living mother who I was not able to share this with.  So while I held off anything to contact her before the wedding, scared she'd find some way to cause an emotional upheaval (and with her attempts to steal my identity, I did not need that when I was getting a passport or going through customs), I broke down yesterday and shared my link to our wedding photos.  I had my online presence so locked down, that I did not think she could see them, and that made me feel really bad.  I can't tell you why, maybe just some remnant of all the guilt over the years.  I am a little scared she will see this tentative contact as an excuse to use and abuse my personal information (for some reason, she stops using my number on checks and credit apps if I am not in contact with her), but I guess for my own feelings I had to share them - it's something a girl usually wants to share with her mom, and this is the best I'm ever going to be able to get with her.  I guess if the crazy starts up again, I can always block her 100% again, and will know better than to ever try again.

[isilme]

So I have not spoken or been in contact with either parent for years.  Dad has been the longest stretch, since 1997, save for a few instances where he stalked me at work to force contact.  Mom was on again, off again NC, because of the two, she was the one for whom I was more often a caretaker.  I try to joke about it, saying she's my wayward teen daughter in her late 60s.  Anyway, after the last bout of her giving out my number to creditors, who called me at all times and didn't believe I was not in consistent contact with or even in the same state as my own mother, I resorted to total NC.  That was probably about 2012-ish.  I have thought about contact off and on, both because others have pushed me to do it, and because of holidays and milestones in my life, and the panic it caused would make me just maintain NC.

But I just got married two weeks ago.  For many reasons, including my family's dysfunctions as well as FI's family issues, we eloped out of the country.  And it has made me very sad at times to have a living mother who I was not able to share this with.  So while I held off anything to contact her before the wedding, scared she'd find some way to cause an emotional upheaval (and with her attempts to steal my identity, I did not need that when I was getting a passport or going through customs), I broke down yesterday and shared my link to our wedding photos.  I had my online presence so locked down, that I did not think she could see them, and that made me feel really bad.  I can't tell you why, maybe just some remnant of all the guilt over the years.  I am a little scared she will see this tentative contact as an excuse to use and abuse my personal information (for some reason, she stops using my number on checks and credit apps if I am not in contact with her), but I guess for my own feelings I had to share them - it's something a girl usually wants to share with her mom, and this is the best I'm ever going to be able to get with her.  I guess if the crazy starts up again, I can always block her 100% again, and will know better than to ever try again.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY ISILME:

So sorry about the things you mom has done to you.  That is tough to deal with.  I can see how you would want to try to share your wedding photos with your mom.

It is good that you are being realistic and have a plan in place to block her again, if needed.  I see by your number of posts that you have spent some time on this website.  You have been very strong, but might want to refresh some of your coping skills.  I know I  usually need a refresher on things from time to time.

It can be realistic to plan for the worst and hope for the best. 

[HappyChappy]

Hi Isilme,

Congratulations on your marriage, I guess that’s got to be a time you think of your parents. My BPD wrecked my wedding day, as they do, so well done on dodging that bullet.

I’ve been NC a few years also, so understand it has it’s uses. I guess if you’ve learn new techniques to deal with BPD/NPD and you’re more aware, then that does limit the damage they can do. Hopeful that may take away some of the anxiety ? Do let us know how you get on if you’re happy to share, I’m planning to re-connect also. Best of luck. 

[isilme]

Thanks.

She seems to have seen the photos, so I feel a little better.  Or less guilty, at least.  I can't let guilt be a motivation to invite her back into my life - that's just an old set of programming that can crop up time to time.  Growing up, I was forbidden to leave the house except for school and girl scouts (she had been a girls scout so I had to be one).  No friends were allowed over, no family lived even in the same state, so it was just me, BPD mom and ASD dad, and one really cool Siamese cat.  Both parents were physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive, and alternatively smothered and neglected me.  So mom and dad had me really good and enmeshed, which is part of why I need NC so much.  It's almost like I can tell those figurative emotional sockets are still there, and mom could plug into them and wipe out almost 24 years of hard fought independence with the right plea.  Almost.  So I plan to stay NC, or very LC.  If either parent was a lover who treated me the way they did, no one would bat an eye at me needing to stay out of contact.  You say, "mom or dad", and people lose their minds about no contact.

H has his own issues, another reason I am on this site, but I know better how to work on things with him as I fight through my own codependency and he was orders of magnitude better than either parent ever could have been.

I feel like opening up real contact, more than letting her see my life on social media from afar, and able to block her when needed, would be unwise for me.  I feel like a stronger person than I was 20, 10, or even 5 years ago, but sometimes it feels very precarious.  At best I could maybe interact with her as if she's some distant aunt living in another state who knew me when I was small, but never again as a "mom".  She stopped being a reliable mom to me about age 6-7, and our roles started reversing. 

In a way being NC was not  a bad thing for our wedding.  It helped me not have to make the decision I see others faced with, about who to invite.  We just didn't invite anyone, and eloped in another country.  Saved us from wanting to get a restraining order against my dad.

[Naughty Nibbler]

She seems to have seen the photos, so I feel a little better.  Or less guilty, at least.  I can't let guilt be a motivation to invite her back into my life - that's just an old set of programming that can crop up time to time. 

I know that I do best when I do a "reality check" once in awhile.  It can be a slippery slope with many things.  It is almost like we need to give ourselves an occasional performance review.  That way we can catch ourselves and make corrrections, before we blow the healthy eating, abandon the exercise program and stray from what is best for our mental health and well being.

Growing up, I was forbidden to leave the house except for school and girl scouts (she had been a girls scout so I had to be one).  No friends were allowed over, no family lived even in the same state, so it was just me, BPD mom and ASD dad, and one really cool Siamese cat.

Aren't animals wonderful!  We used to have a family cat that I dressed up in doll clothes and put the poor cat in a stroller.  They can certainly give us comfort.  Do you have any pets at the current time? 

I could bring friends to our home, when my parents were home.  But, other than a few neighborhood friends, I avoided bringing friends home.  I would rather not be embarassed by my father yelling, so more often than not, I didn't really want to bring anyone to our home, when I was young.  Interestingly, the situation didn't phase my uBPD sister.  She didn't care if she had friends over and my dad yelled up a storm.

You say, "mom or dad", and people lose their minds about no contact.

I guess you can say that "they don't know, what they don't know".  People who have only been exposed to stable, mentally healthy family, can't relate.  Even if they have had some exposure to a mentally ill family member, everyone's situation in unique.