8 weeks no contact

[insideoutside]

Today marks 8 weeks of no contact from my friend.  I tried to reach out several times but to no avail.  I'm devastated; some days I can get through no problem but other days I sit and ruminate and feel bereft and helpless that I can't say or do anything to engage him.

I keep blocking and unblocking him on Facebook as my emotions keep swaying.  He hasn't so far blocked me, but then again that doesn't mean anything I guess.

What I struggle to understand is why.  I believe I was a good friend to him; someone he could contact about anything anytime.  I let him guide the friendship and stood by waiting and giving him space when he was having difficult times, periodically reaching out with encouraging texts etc. So why when I eventually shove back at him after being fed up with him changing the goal posts he says not to contact him again, despite the week before saying things to me which I knew meant he cared about me and our friendship.

About a month before this happened he said another ex-girlfriend had been in touch with him and he met up with her for a drink etc, and he knew she wanted a relationship with him but he wasn't interested; and after her constantly texting and emailing him all hours of the day and night he told her to not contact him again. 

I have no idea why he's back in Facebook unless he's hoping other ex's will contact him in the same way I did; as he doesn't normally do social media and has fully deleted (not suspended) his profile numerous times in 10 months.

Why?  I don't understand how one text argument (ok I said some harsh things in frustration) lead to total discard.

[heartandwhole]

Hi izzybusy,

It's really hard to want to connect with someone and instead hit a brick wall. I'm sorry. It's very understandable to ask why, even when we know that no one can get inside another person's head. I'm sure I'd be asking the same questions. When pwBPD went temporarily silent on me, I was so hurt.

Has he specifically asked you not to contact him, or is he simply not responding?

I know it's hard, and if you can, remember that if your friend has BPD/traits, he doesn't think the way we do. Feelings can change on a dime, and if they do, the entire relationship (in that moment) can become for pwBPD something very, very different from what you experienced. It's really sad for both parties. It happened in my relationship, and when pwBPD realized what was happening, he was mortified (he was very self-aware and in therapy), but in the moment, he had no control over it. His reality simply changed and he literally perceived me and the relationship in a different (and much more painful) way. It was heartbreaking.

What can you do for yourself today, izzybusy, that will help you feel good? I like to do something physical with deep breathing, because I always feel better and more connected to myself afterward. What about you?

Don't let your thoughts take over. Give yourself more attention than your friend. You need it just as much.  

heartandwhole

[insideoutside]

He did say not to contact him again to which I replied I thought you said nothing would jeopardise the friendship and that I've forgiven you when you've shouted st me and slammed the phone day.  The next day he texted and said that he accepted my apology but to leave it alone now.  What the hell does that even mean?  That's the last I've heard from him.

He has been diagnosed bipolar and he said he has other issues but wouldn't tell me what they were.  After researching his actions it led me to believe he has BPD.  Was he too embarrassed to tell me that for fear of me recoiling in horror?  

Back in November we had a bit of a fall out as I was due to visit my hometown and was trying to arrange to meet up with him whilst there; just for a coffee.  He put massive pressure on me to tell him a specific date which he said he was free on then changed the goal posts on that and started being fickle about his availability.  I got annoyed and said I was fed up with him messing me about as I had to make plans.  He got stroppy and said I was misinterpreting his texts and that we could no longer text but just talk on the phone and that he was no longer available at all to meet me as he said it was getting too messy!  Later that night we calmed down and all was ok but 3 days later I got a text off him saying that we could no longer be friends, to delete his number and he'll delete mine; it didn't matter why and not to take it personally.  That he'd had bad news and needed time to get well again.  He went NC for a month despite me reaching out with sympathetic texts and eventually spoke to me when i said I wouldn't contact him again but asked him to promise me that he'd let me know he was ok when he felt better.  That was just before Xmas and we had LC until end of January with another NC month following that.  

I seem to trigger him somehow but I don't know why.  Somebody on a bipolar forum thinks he pulls me in as he wants to be close to me but then pushes me away in punishment for not being available to him how he would like me to be.  I don't know; I got the impression he did find me attractive and enjoyed my sense of humour etc but at this moment if feels like he hates me and that the last 10 months were nothing but a dream.

He also threatened to cut me off after a month of being back in contact which was after meeting up and feelings getting the better of us both.  It definitely seems as any declaration of feelings and showing too much care sends him running for the hills

I should had taken heed when he said 'I will end up hurting you and you don't deserve that'. :'(

[insideoutside]

I miss him, he makes me smile and his voice and laugh make my day.  It feels like coming home when I speak to him.  I don't want to lose him completely.

[sweet tooth]

Izzy, I'm in the same boat as you, 100% My person with uBPD also told me not to contact them, out of the blue, without explanation. She literally devalued me in two days. It Hurts. It hurts like hell. The past three months since it's happened I've been up and down. I think about her constantly. I wish I could help you. I don't know how to. But you aren't alone... .

[sweet tooth]

The only thing I can say is stop reaching out. If somebody tells you not to contact them again it's a boundary that has serious ramifications of you break it: you can be accused of stalking, slapped with a restraining order, or have the police called. It also lowers your self worth and dignity while making you look needy. The other person has all the power. If and when he changes his mind he will ge back in touch with you.

My person told me not to contact them again on March 1st. Other than a brief goodbye message telling her that I was falling in love with her, thanking her for the good memories, and wishing her the best, I haven't directly contacted her since.  I've had an impulse to contact her EVERY DAY. I haven't, though, and though it's VERY difficult.

Take care of yourself: do stuff that you enjoy, exercise, take a course, get plenty of sleep, spend time with friends, meet some new people. Trust me, I know how heart broken you feel, how much you miss him, and how hard it is to do anything. The situation sucks. But you have to make the best of it.

[sweet tooth]

I miss him, he makes me smile and his voice and laugh make my day.  It feels like coming home when I speak to him.  I don't want to lose him completely.

When I saw this I started to tear up. This is exactly how I feel.  :'(

[insideoutside]

I miss him, he makes me smile and his voice and laugh make my day.  It feels like coming home when I speak to him.  I don't want to lose him completely.

When I saw this I started to tear up. This is exactly how I feel.  :'(

He is a boyfriend from my youth; reconnecting with him after 25 years was amazing.  He touched my soul; I don't know how I'll ever get over him; I've already lost him once.  The thing is he said to me he thought we had been thrown together again for a reason and he'd never abandon me; and yet here I am.

There's now certain songs I can't listen too that remind me of our youth.  The song by Jon Secada 'just another day' resonates with me right now.  How can he not feel how much pain I'm in.

[NCEA]

 

[sweet tooth]

I miss him, he makes me smile and his voice and laugh make my day.  It feels like coming home when I speak to him.  I don't want to lose him completely.

When I saw this I started to tear up. This is exactly how I feel.  :'(

He is a boyfriend from my youth; reconnecting with him after 25 years was amazing.  He touched my soul; I don't know how I'll ever get over him; I've already lost him once.  The thing is he said to me he thought we had been thrown together again for a reason and he'd never abandon me; and yet here I am.

There's now certain songs I can't listen too that remind me of our youth.  The song by Jon Secada 'just another day' resonates with me right now.  How can he not feel how much pain I'm in.

Mine repeatedly told me, "you are a great friend. I don't want that to ever change" and "I don't want to hurt you," if if they were inevitabilities. She also told me, "I seem to hurt all the men I spend time with lately." Then she coldly discarded me.

I'm choosing to believe that deep down, my ex still wants that not to change and your ex never wanted to abandon you. Their pathology gets in their own way. They're their own worst enemy.

[itgirl]

Hang in there guys.  It does get better.  I promise.  I was where you are in October.  I have healed so much from the 5 year bad relationship.  The FOG will lift.

Been no contact for months.  I don't count anymore.  She still contacts me but I don't reply or pickup.  Im stronger than that and no good can come off a bad relationship. 

8 weeks is short but also close to reaching three months.  It gets better after 90 days.