I went to the domestic violence support group

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I went to the domestic violence support group yesterday. I was so upset when I got there that I couldn't remember my date of birth and I spend the first 10 minutes of the session on the verge of tears. However, as the other women talked, I realised that I am just like them.

There were plenty of positives outcomes (as I posted yesterday in https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=294520.msg12770058#msg12770058) and there are two other groups that I can tap into. However, today I have felt very isolated again. I miss my BPDxbf. I find that I wish I could use his name on this site. I still want to celebrate him (and us) in some way but I know I'm delusional. What is there to celebrate about an abusive relationship? I am struggling to let go of the fantasy of love and replace it with the reality. When I look back, even the times when I felt we were really close could simply have been that I was connected to my feelings of love, but that doesn't mean that he was too. Today, I remembered what he told me early on about how his first marriage ended. He told me that his wife went away on a Christian retreat and never came back. The people there 'stopped her'. It seems to me that she must have disclosed abuse and found her a place of safety. And yet, I hold on to the fantasy. What is it about me that I won't let this go?

I am so sad because I thought, truly thought, he loved me and then that gradually got eroded away until now I am left with absolutely nothing. Even the happy memories have been tainted to such a point that I doubt they had any meaning after all. It seems that I was in a different relationship to the one I thought I was in. I thought it was extraordinary. I thought it was special. My friends just thought I was being abused. Now I think the same, but I loved him.

Love Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

I went to the domestic violence support group yesterday. I was so upset when I got there that I couldn't remember my date of birth and I spend the first 10 minutes of the session on the verge of tears. However, as the other women talked, I realised that I am just like them.

There were plenty of positives outcomes (as I posted yesterday in https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=294520.msg12770058#msg12770058) and there are two other groups that I can tap into. However, today I have felt very isolated again. I miss my BPDxbf. I find that I wish I could use his name on this site. I still want to celebrate him (and us) in some way but I know I'm delusional. What is there to celebrate about an abusive relationship? I am struggling to let go of the fantasy of love and replace it with the reality. When I look back, even the times when I felt we were really close could simply have been that I was connected to my feelings of love, but that doesn't mean that he was too. Today, I remembered what he told me early on about how his first marriage ended. He told me that his wife went away on a Christian retreat and never came back. The people there 'stopped her'. It seems to me that she must have disclosed abuse and found her a place of safety. And yet, I hold on to the fantasy. What is it about me that I won't let this go?

I am so sad because I thought, truly thought, he loved me and then that gradually got eroded away until now I am left with absolutely nothing. Even the happy memories have been tainted to such a point that I doubt they had any meaning after all. It seems that I was in a different relationship to the one I thought I was in. I thought it was extraordinary. I thought it was special. My friends just thought I was being abused. Now I think the same, but I loved him.

Love Lifewriter

[steelwork]

I'm so sad you're struggling. You will let go of the fantasy of him in due time. It's still doing something for you, it seems.

What would you most like to hear from him? What happens if you say it to yourself? "I'm sorry, lifewriter. You are good and deserving of love and protection and always were." Let the fragile, wounded lifewriter know you love her and will keep her safe. Corny, I guess, but try it.

Look at the link I put in LonelyChild's thread:

https://www.selfleadership.org/about-internal-family-systems.html

[Grey Kitty]

  I just want to say that it is OK to feel that way.

OK to love him.

OK to miss him.

OK to miss the fantasy life you always hoped for/thought you had with him.

(It is also OK to hate him or be angry at him if that is what you are feeling... .even though from what you say, you haven't been.)

Pretending you don't have those feelings or trying to chase them away isn't going to help you. They are real, and they are there now. They will pass. They will probably return again a few times too. All this is OK.

No, it wouldn't be OK for you to reconnect with him for lots of reasons you posted lots of times before. But that is the action, not the feeling. All the feelings are OK, and very understandable.

I'm really glad you found good things at your support group!

[atomic popsicles]

My husband left yesterday. I miss the him he used to be so bad I can hardly breathe.


I completely identify with all you said.

[Mutt]

Today, I remembered what he told me early on about how his first marriage ended. He told me that his wife went away on a Christian retreat and never came back. The people there 'stopped her'. It seems to me that she must have disclosed abuse and found her a place of safety. And yet, I hold on to the fantasy. What is it about me that I won't let this go?

Hi Lifewriter,

You have good responses and I just wanted to add that it's speculation if his exwife disclosed abuse and don't measure your self-worth with his exwife. Hang in there.

[Herodias]

Focus on the abuse not the false image he presented to you. That was a fantasy... .abusers can not show you who they really are or you wouldn't fall for them! I am trying to divorce mine next week and he is making it very complicated and really expensive. This is the last time he can get one over on me! He is making me really despise him now... Give it time- you will get there. I am 17 months out now and it is getting easier. It takes awhile - I can't believe how long, but I was with him for 9 years! Don't beat yourself up, you already been through enough. You are mentally hurting yourself for something that someone else did to you. Read what you can. I know you will eventually see how much better off you are. Things would only get worse with them. The Judge told me I could end up dead. They know- they deal with it all the time. I don't feel love for my stbx anymore. He is a horrible person. I now know that love-bombing and the pedestal I was on was false and manipulative. You have to start to understand this. I have had to pump it into my brain daily to finally see. Be good to yourself and get around friends and family.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi atomic popsicles

My husband left yesterday. I miss the him he used to be so bad I can hardly breathe.

I completely identify with all you said.

These are for you:

       

Lifewriter x

[Lifewriter16]

You will let go of the fantasy of him in due time. It's still doing something for you, it seems.

At the moment, I can barely sleep for the guilt I feel.

Here's my conflict: my BPDxbf has been in therapy, 6 months DBT, 18 months schema therapy, has attending a domestic violence course for abusers and is getting ongoing support there. He clearly processes his pain after each breakup and comes back having learnt something. He is healing and I've seen some small changes in him.

Last time we got back together, he apologised for his verbal abuse and said he now knows that it's wrong. He thanked me for standing by him. Ironic, because I ended it three weeks later.

I always intended to stand by him, but he set up a situation where I didn't know whether he was going to end it or not in one week's time when we met up for coffee. I got frightened, then saw red, acted upon impulse and ended it there and then so that I wouldn't have to sit in front of him and have him tell me that it was over. I just didn't think I could bear that. So, I ended instead. What's that about?

The thing is, I didn't really want to end it at the time, I reacted. I have since been given good reason why I have to stay away (the child abuse case) but I still don't want to end it - I just have to because the price is too high, both for me and my children.  When my BPDxbf rages (and that's twice a week on average), he does exactly the same things he has always done. He was still verbally abusive when we split up despite the apology he'd made 3 weeks previously.

I know that some of the fear I have about violence comes from repressed memories of my childhood, but I also don't think my BPDxbf has any self control when he's dysregulating and I don't trust that he won't hurt me when he is out of control. If he can't (or won't) control his mouth, why should I believe that he would control his violent impulses? Being with him was making me ill. I know it's better all round, but I didn't really want it to end and somehow I have to come to the place where I am at peace with the outcome. Right now, I am not.

LW x

[Lifewriter16]

 I just want to say that it is OK to feel that way.

OK to love him.

OK to miss him.

OK to miss the fantasy life you always hoped for/thought you had with him... .

Pretending you don't have those feelings or trying to chase them away isn't going to help you. They are real, and they are there now. They will pass. They will probably return again a few times too. All this is OK.

No, it wouldn't be OK for you to reconnect with him for lots of reasons you posted lots of times before. But that is the action, not the feeling. All the feelings are OK, and very understandable.

I am really going to need a lot of help with this. I'm going to tell the support group what the situation is next week and see if I can garner some out of hours support there, because I don't think I can do it on my own.

LW x

[Lifewriter16]

Focus on the abuse not the false image he presented to you. That was a fantasy... .abusers can not show you who they really are or you wouldn't fall for them!... .Don't beat yourself up, you've already been through enough. You are mentally hurting yourself for something that someone else did to you... .Things would only get worse with them.

I hadn't thought of it like that, but of course it must be true. I used to tell my BPDxbf how lovely the 'real him' was. Then one day, whilst he was raging, he said to me: 'This is the real me.' Yet, I still don't want to believe him. I feel really stuck.

Thanks for your thoughts, Herodias. I'm so sorry you've had such a miserable experience. I know it must get better, but that doesn't make it any easier in the short term.

LW x

[Lifewriter16]

Today, I remembered what he told me early on about how his first marriage ended. He told me that his wife went away on a Christian retreat and never came back. The people there 'stopped her'. It seems to me that she must have disclosed abuse and found her a place of safety. And yet, I hold on to the fantasy. What is it about me that I won't let this go?

Hi Lifewriter,

You have good responses and I just wanted to add that it's speculation if his exwife disclosed abuse and don't measure your self-worth with his exwife. Hang in there.

I think I'm far too good at speculating, Mutt. I've got to the point where I don't know what is justifiable fear and what is my past experiences and what is me winding myself up because I'm filling in the blanks... .

LW x

[Grey Kitty]

No, it wouldn't be OK for you to reconnect with him for lots of reasons you posted lots of times before. But that is the action, not the feeling. All the feelings are OK, and very understandable.

I am really going to need a lot of help with this. I'm going to tell the support group what the situation is next week and see if I can garner some out of hours support there, because I don't think I can do it on my own.

LW x

 No, you don't need to do it alone. Get all the help you can.

Tech/structural help is good. You can block his phone number, or change his ringtone to something that will remind you NOT to answer. (I've still got my wife's ringtone set to Rod Stewart "If I listen long enough to you... .I'll find a way to believe that its all true... ." www.youtube.com/watch?v=XJylcQ7CGfI )

You can block his email, or set a rule to delete it unread, or if you don't want to do that, put it in a folder so you won't see it as a new message in your inbox.

I've joked with several people about being the kind of friend who will tackle you and wrestle your phone out of your hand when you are drunk and want to text/call your ex.

You've got us here.

Do you have any friends you can call on the phone, or meet with in person who can just listen and perhaps talk you down from anything stupid? When my marriage was ending in a crisis, I reached out to a few people, one of whom I believed was trustworthy, but didn't know all that well back then. She was the most AMAZING supporter ever, right when I needed it. I'm tearing up right now thinking about how much she did for me at the time.

I personally travel too much, so at the time all my close friends and family were thousands of miles away, but I had a list of supporters I could call on the phone that I called "Team Grey Kitty" (OK, I used my real first name off the boards for that.) This amazing woman was the captain of Team Grey Kitty. Later I called her co-captain, as another friend stepped up just as much.   I had another ~half dozen people on the team.

I did everything myself, but I wouldn't have done it as well alone. I really don't know how it would have turned out had I tried.

Don't be afraid to reach out and ask for help. Do be careful who you reach out to. Trust your intuition about who seems safe.

Reaching out more to the support group sounds like an excellent idea. Especially the women you already know, perhaps?

I don't recall--do you have a therapist for yourself? Can you find one?

[love4meNOTu]

Hi Lifewriter -

I hope you don't mind me replying, I haven't been on these boards for some time.

I would like to share what I did to cope.

First... a mental trick.

I quit thinking in absolutes.

i.e. "This is over, I'll never see him again, my life will be lonely, I will never love as I loved x, I will never find someone to love me, etc."

Instead I thought "I'll see him again someday, maybe tomorrow, and we both will be the better for this time apart."

Now please understand me, there was no going back in my situation this was just a placebo to get me through the day, if you will.

Day after day my situation became clearer. I wasn't confused anymore. (The FOG was lifted). It took about six months, but then I got some relief from my constant negative thoughts and eventually they went away. I did attend an outpatient program for depression for two weeks, and during that time I learned a lot about repetitive negative thinking and how to stop it.

Here's another trick.

When I was missing him, and not feeling anger yet, I visualized breaking a stick over my knee with a loud "CRACK" and saying "NO!" in a loud voice. (In my head).

It worked Lifewriter.

The anger stage was another hurdle, but that stage I coped with better than the grieving stage.

Listen, I can tell you with absolute truth that I would never go back to living that way, with that person. It was hell on earth.

You will get through this, I promise.

Heck if I did it... .

L

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Hey Lifewriter,

Kudos to you for staying the course.  Although I left my abusive relationship in one fell swoop, it took a lot of COMMITMENT and WORK on my part to move on emotionally.  I am many months out and no longer fantasize that things will somehow get better or that we could talk. 

But I still think of him.  Because I loved him.  Because I still cannot believe what the hell happened.  And because I am scared of him.  I am stunned when I think of the havoc he reeked in my life and the lives of my kids.  And I think of (worry abt) the future when he gets out of prison.  Sounds so cliche!  He stalked me until he got locked up (for a different reason) so I wonder about when he gets out.   

I do not know where I found this info below, but I use the RAIN technique when I think of him.  I say to myself "I am having a THOUGHT ABOUT thinking about him." 

When I think of him, my tendency is to make up some BIG story about what it means that I am thinking of him, i.e. I'm not over him, I'll never get over him, being scared of him is of service to me, etc.

So now when I think of him I use this technique (mostly just the non-identification part for me):

RAIN

The acronym RAIN, a tool used by many meditation teachers—originally developed by Michele McDonald—is a simple yet powerful way to handle a stress episode. It allows us to shift our perspective of the stressor from threat to manageable challenge, and to activate our own resources to meet the challenge with equanimity:

Recognition: Consciously take notice of what is occurring in your body and mind. For example, “My mouth feels dry and there is a pit in my stomach. I feel like an idiot.”

Acceptance: Acknowledge that the stress response is present and allow it to be here. This doesn’t mean that you’re happy about it, but giving up the effort to resist it is, paradoxically, the quickest way to help it subside.

Investigation: Ask yourself calmly what thoughts and emotions are present, what stories you are telling yourself. Following this technique, the candidate might have answered, “I can’t believe I sound so lame. I’m afraid that I will lose this opportunity, that I will not be admitted to business school, that I will feel like a failure in front of my family and friends, and that I won’t have a successful career.”

Non-identification: Having recognized, accepted, and explored the implications of your stress symptoms, the final step is to realize that although you are experiencing them, they do not define you.  "I am having the thought that I a feel like a failure is very different and much more manageable than "I am a failure."

GOOD LUCK and HANG IN THERE!

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I also find The Work by Byron Katie VERY helpful. 

There is a FREE volunteer helpline.  I have called many times and gotten some seriously breakthrough kind of help.  instituteforthework.com/itw/content/helpline-list

You'll need a Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet  www.thework.com/sites/thework/downloads/worksheets/JudgeYourNeighbor_Worksheet.pdf

Here is instruction on how to fill out the Worksheet:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Yuw-alrdr8

Last but not least, LISTENING to her book, Loving What Is, on tape/online is WAY better than reading it.  You get to here her doing the work with other people.  It made a HUGE difference in my breakup.   

https://www.amazon.com/Loving-What-Four-Questions-Change/dp/1400045371/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1465585062&sr=8-1&keywords=loving+what+is

I called the volunteer helpline a lot in the early days.  And... .I just called again this week and got HUGE help!

[Herodias]

GreyKitty... .thanks for the Rod Stewart song... .perfect ringtone!

[Lifewriter16]

Thank you all for your suggestions. 

I've been sitting here this evening, planning for the novel I want to write which feels wonderful. However, I'm listening to Genesis at the same time and I'm noticing that certain lines in the songs are causing immediate sadness even though I'm generally really focused upon the task in hand. Whilst I can keep myself busy, the pain's just beneath the surface. I guess that's to be expected.

LW x