Length of recycles

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The conventional wisdom on this board seems to say that the recycles get progressively shorter. This was certainly my experience (9 month original relationship, 6 month subsequent relationship, 3 month last recycle). How about yours?   

[kc sunshine]

The conventional wisdom on this board seems to say that the recycles get progressively shorter. This was certainly my experience (9 month original relationship, 6 month subsequent relationship, 3 month last recycle). How about yours?   

[Lifewriter16]

We took 6 months from meeting to fall into having a 'relationship'. The relationship part lasted 6 weeks. Recycle 1 was 4 months long because I decided that since I was so distressed over the first breakup, I would prevent us splitting up at all costs. All the subsequent recycles were 2 - 3 weeks long since I changed my mind and decided that if he threatened to breakup with me, I'd let him get on with it.

I thought he'd learn from his mistakes if he had to face the consequences of them. Unfortunately, I was wrong.

LW

[Meili]

Let's see, from first meeting to begin in a r/s... .well, the r/s started the moment we met. That lasted three months before I tried to end it because of her painting me black and histrionics. First recycle lasted two months I think. From there it feels like it was almost a monthly thing. At some point, I knew that I was doing damage to her every time that I tried to escape, so I just stopped telling her when I had taken too much abuse because I was bound and determined not to hurt her anymore and I wanted so badly to give her the fantasy that she longed for, even though it meant losing myself in the process.

[C.Stein]

I need another option for the poll ... .none of the above.     Technically I guess there were two "recycles", but I would be hard pressed to really call them that.

[KarmasReal]

Let's see we dated a month before we became official. 3 months in we nearly broke up due to cheating but she did everything to fix it so we only had a week break. 3 months later we broke up due to her depression "according to her" that wasn't the real reason. That breakup was 7 weeks, she recycled me and we were together again for 6 months, then her behavior went really bad again and I broke it off. Two months of on and off went by with me doing most of the work cause I still thought it might get better and I didn't want to lose her. After the on and off two months we were back together two months before the infamous fight on my birthday. It's been 7 and 1/2 weeks of being broken up since that. So I don't know mine is kind of a mess.

[kc sunshine]

It looks like the conventional wisdom holds, by a long shot! Dang. Why do you all think this is-- why are the recycles so progressively shorter?

[KarmasReal]

Probably awareness, and the time we've already been with them. I say awareness because on some level we get more and more of the real picture of who they are and how their disorder really manifests itself. I know the first time around for me I thought she was just eccentric, she was different because she wasn't from around here, she was going through a hard time, this is the way relationships were etc. The second time I knew way more by the third time all I could see were her pushes and pulls, cruel behavior, drinking, erratic actions. So that's one. The other is more from their said but we both want to recreate that honeymoon phase, unfortunately with all the baggage we bring in from out previous fights, arguments, recycles, that phas can never last as long as it did the first time. They know us, I think deep down they love us in their own way, because if they didn't they would constantly seek out a new honeymoon phase every time one ended. But eventually we nor them can keep it going because it's just too toxic for anyone to be a part of. The relationship is even toxic to them, even though they cause many of those problems. We caused others. It's just unsustainable.

[Leonis]

Mine was 5 months, 2-month break, 3 weeks, 1-week break, 7 months, 1-month breakup process, and now in limbo.

[Curiously1]

10 months (not including mini day/hour break ups or threats to) and then recycle was for 2 weeks.

[Curiously1]

10 months (not including mini day/hour break ups or threats to), 2 month break and then recycle was for 2 weeks.

[Meili]

I agree with everything that Karma said about the length (and toxicity).

I know that for me, it came down to my understanding the pattern better each time and being less tolerant of it. Not to mention that with each iteration, the fears we were both experiencing grew in intensity. Because the fears remained closer to the surface and stronger, I was always ready to withdraw to a place of self-protection.

When I finally left, she actually told me that some of the things that she did were because she never believed that I'd actually leave her because we had cycled so much.

[kc sunshine]

Yeah, that makes sense about the the toxicity, and the knowledge from both sides. The other part of the conventional wisdom is that each break up gets worse and more cruel, which was certainly true for mine. I guess the answer might be that they know you better and know what will hurt you most?

[FannyB]

It looks like the conventional wisdom holds, by a long shot! Dang. Why do you all think this is-- why are the recycles so progressively shorter?

My theory? In the initial cycle they can idealize us as the perfect love object - until the image shatters and we 'disappoint' them. We might get another bite at the cherry, but second time around they kinda know we are imperfect but are conveniently glossing over it as it suits them to be back with us. Then, when we disappoint them again, the suppressed bile from the first break up comes spewing to the surface. 

When I recycled after a one year relationship I told a friend we would last 3 months. We actually lasted 3 months and 2 days - my bad! 


Fanny