New member intro post

[Sci224]

Hi all, my mother has undiagnosed BPD. Now that I am also a mother, I have been addressing my own issues (therapy, reading) as well as trying to navigate the relationship with my BPD mother. I happened upon the description of BPD about 5 years ago and had an "aha" moment, but only really solidified my conviction that she has BPD in the last two years. It has taken me several days to post here, mostly out of generalized fear that either I will get "caught" speaking ill of my mother and that I will not actually find help. I regularly fear that asking for help will lead to rejection/ridicule or just plain being ignored. Finally, I have been interrupted 3 times already just trying to write this post because small children= interruption. Making it hard to ask for help. But i so need help. Thanks.

[Fie]

Hello Sci224,

I am a new member myself, so without any doubt there are other members who have more useful stuff to say then me, but I wanted to say hi.  

My mother has BPD too, and I too have a little child. I know how difficult our mothers can make life for us, and so does every single person here. So no one will ridicule you, on the contrary, everyone understands what you are talking about. That is so great about these boards. For the first time in my life, I feel understood about how it is to have been raised  by a BPD mum.

You say you are addressing your issues now that you are a mother yourself. Congratulations ! That is the greatest gift you can give your child.

[Sci224]

Thanks so much for your reply. It is definitely having children, and wanting better for themm that has spurned me to seek help.

I realized too, I didn't put much info in my first post. My father is an alcoholic and I have very little contact with him. He divorced from my mother 6 months before my own wedding (gee, thanks dad, your timing was awesome), so about 8ish years ago. Don't know if he is actively drinking or not. Also, don't know if he has BPD or another pers. disorder, but he is not OK either.

I also have a younger sister who is both chronically physically ill and has recently been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder.  I suspect she also has BPD. Soo, sometimes I question my own mental health. While I have been assured by my husband and therapist that I do not exhibit BPD myself, I sure do wonder what bits of me are ok and which bits are distorted.   

[unicorn2014]

Hi all, my mother has undiagnosed BPD. Now that I am also a mother, I have been addressing my own issues (therapy, reading) as well as trying to navigate the relationship with my BPD mother. I happened upon the description of BPD about 5 years ago and had an "aha" moment, but only really solidified my conviction that she has BPD in the last two years. It has taken me several days to post here, mostly out of generalized fear that either I will get "caught" speaking ill of my mother and that I will not actually find help. I regularly fear that asking for help will lead to rejection/ridicule or just plain being ignored. Finally, I have been interrupted 3 times already just trying to write this post because small children= interruption. Making it hard to ask for help. But i so need help. Thanks.

Hello and welcome! You've found the right place! I didn't start learning about my mother possibility having BPD until my own daughter was 15. You've got an early start. I have a teenager and its still challenging to concentrate.

I don't think you will get caught. We can help you. Do you know what kind of help you are looking for?

[Sci224]

Well, not specifically. I may just need to be part of a community. My husband is actually quite supportive, but he doesn't "get it". He has been dealing with my family for years now but didn't grow up in it. I think I could use some experienced feedback here and there, and some empathy. 

[Sci224]

I know in my logical mind that my fears are paranoid, but I still feel them... .

[Fie]

Soo, sometimes I question my own mental health. While I have been assured by my husband and therapist that I do not exhibit BPD myself, I sure do wonder what bits of me are ok and which bits are distorted. 

Having grown up in distorted families, I think we all have traits that we'd rather not have. It is great that you are realizing that and that you're working on them !

A friend of mine, who's a psychologist, says that every one of us to some extend, has one or more BPDtraits. It's the combination of all of them, and the severity, that makes someone BPD.

Also I am actually convinced that everyone has distorted traits - also mentally very stable people. 100% mentallly sane does not exist  :-)

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY Sci224:

Welcome to BPD Family: 

I think you can feel safe here.  Best to NOT use some ID that others might identify with (i.e. you use a certain ID for years at various places/situations on the Web).  I think that many of us have read very familiar stories.  Sometimes, the stories are so close in detail, that for a moment you can wonder if they are posting about the person in your life.

One thing that I tend to do is to draft what I want to post in some note-taking software (Word, Notepad, Wordpad, Ipad app, etc.) and then just copy and past it into a post, when I have it finished.  Then I just fine tune it a bit before hitting the post button.  Most devices/computers/tablets will have some software to take notes with.  So, just collect a few sentences as a time, when you can, and before you know it you have gathered your thoughts for a post.

Are you working on anything in particular, in regard to your mom's BPD right now? Therapy can be very helpful.

There is a lot of good information on this Website that you should find helpful.  There are some links on the right hand side of the page.  You can, also, go to "The Learning Center" area on the board (find the main index page or use the navigation drop-down at the bottom of this page). I made myself a "BPD" bookmark folder on my browser bar and collected bookmarks for things that I want to go back to.  I was a bit overwhelmed at first, but the folder gave me an easy to get back to where I discovered something I wanted to study or get back to later.


The links below are likely helpful:

Here is a link to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG):

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

This link is to a Discussion Thread - What it means to be in the "FOG"

Note:  There are multiple pages for this one, might want to find the page numbering area at the top and click "all"

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Here is a link to a thread about boundaries:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

[Panda39]

Hi Sci224,

Welcome to the BPD Family, you most definitely are not alone!  Everyone on this site has someone either diagnosed with BPD or someone who exhibits the behaviors in their lives, we definitely get it.  Good for you to reach out.

I'm here because my SO (significant other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) that he shares 2 daughters with.  I came here trying to understand what BPD was, how to help my SO better negotiate  his ex and get an idea of what his daughters might be experiencing.

In my opinion one of the toughest things most of us have trouble with is creating and enforcing boundaries when interacting with someone with BPD.  We care about these people, we are polite, we want to help, we want them to be happy, or we could be in the FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt) and pwBPD (people with BPD) are expert boundary busters.

Do you have trouble with boundaries and your mom?  Below are a couple links to more on boundaries... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm

Also, please check out the box to the right --> each item is a link to more information you might want to check out the Lessons section.

As you read or as you have issues come up with your mom please feel free to ask questions there is a wealth of experience, support and ideas among the members here.

Take Care,

Panda39

[Sci224]

Thanks to everyone. I have found these links helpful so far. I'll be sure to ask questions when they arise .