The first BPD I knew--my sister

[BowlOfPetunias]

I have posted about my relationship with my wife before, but not gotten into details about my own experiences growing up and the impact they had.

When I was about 8 or 9 (and my sister was 13 or 14), she went off the deep end.  Sex with middle-aged neighbors.  Drugs.  Running away from home.  Unpredictable rage and violent outbursts.  Suicide attempts.  Demanding that her clothes be constantly replaced with new ones.

My parents shifted their focus to dealing with her.  My father also had his own mental issues to deal with--extreme OCD, though he would never have admitted that.  They showered her with new clothes and a trip to Florida when the rest of the family couldn't afford a vacation.  She did everything they said she shouldn't, and she got more and more attention and material rewards.  I got the cheapest clothes, sometimes even hand-me-downs that were not gender appropriate.  (We did not have very much money.  My father was a janitor and my mother did not work.  Neither of them graduated from high school.)

I got passed off to my NPD grandmother who lived with us.  She was a Polish peasant who came to the U.S. around 1919.  God agreed with whatever she said.  She told me all kids were rotten.  Her favorite story was that of a "little gypsy girl" who is sent to fetch water.  Before she can leave, she gets beaten.  She asks why, and her mother tells her that it is so that she won't break the jug.  Punishment for what you MIGHT  do, not what you actually do.  I actually had to share a room with this woman for some time.

I felt responsible for making my parents happy to make up for my sister's behavior, but no matter how well I did in school, how much I tried to live up to what they and my grandmother wanted, she always got the rewards and affection while I was ignored.  My father hated sports and rock music, so I told the kids at school I hated sports and rock music.  I got beat up.  I got beat up for the cheap clothes they gave me.  When I told my father this, he said, no that can't be true.  I remember one time when I he sort of tried to do a father and son thing.  We took a net down to a river and tried to catch fish.  He was unhappy with the way I was doing it and had a random boy who walked by take over.

Fortunately, my grandmother died right before I turned eighteen.

I went to college and then grad school, but my sister continued her downward spiral.  She graduated high school only because she manipulated other people into doing her work.  She did not want to go to college.  One boyfriend tried to get her to years later, but she failed out the first semester.  When she moved in with her boyfriends, she would bring wash home for my mother to do.  When she was 29, my mother became upset because my sister was cheating on the one boyfriend that my parents liked--with a guy who they knew beat her.  My mother threatened to stop doing her laundry.  My sister attempted to commit suicide with a bottle of pills, and the laundry resumed.

My sister later became desperate to have a child and underwent several medical procedures--even though she never had a good enough job to get insurance.  She shacked up with a real loser--the kind of jerk who knows better than his doctors and winds up blind with gangrene from diabetes.  She had a daughter with him, and my mother was tasked with basically raising her.  Then my sister used her daughter to blackmail my parents.  She said they would never see their granddaughter again unless they secretly wrote me out of the will.  This was a completely empty threat since she was dependent on them for childcare, but they caved.  I only found out after my mother died.  Then my sister gave all kinds of rationalizations to me as to why I did not deserve any of the estate.  Eventually my father wrote me back into the will.  I suspect that she was pressuring him to change the will again write before he committed suicide.  (He was also motivated by health problems and the loss of my mother.)  Naturally, she now denied that she had ever pressured them to write me out of the will, even though she admitted and justified it just a year earlier.

She's still living with the loser boyfriend.  She lost her job when the car dealership where she worked keeping track of the keys decided to downsize.  She has been unable to find a real job and has to resort to off the books childcare.

I personally don't want to have anything to do with her, but my wife says we have to maintain contact for the sake of our niece.  But my sister naturally does not allow contact with our niece.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY BowlOfPetunias

Welcome to BPD Family:   

I'm so sorry about what you have been through with your family.  It has to be hard to excuse the way you were treated growing up.  In hindsight, do you think your parents were overwhelmed with your sister and they didn't have the skills/knowledge to understand and try to manage your sister's  disorder?  No excuses for their behavior, but they may have been frightened by your sister's behavior so they gave your sister anything she wanted, thinking it would keep her from acting out.  Unfortunately, they severely neglected you in the process. 

I think sometimes our parents accepted situations with their parents (your grandparents), and thereby become blind to the fact that the grandparent's child rearing techniques should not be acceptable.   It was perhaps their normal, and they didn't know any better. Did your mom acknowledge her mom had NPD?

Congrats for getting through college and then grad school.  You accomplished a lot, in spite of your family situation.  Good for you! 

I peeked at your profile.  You have a lot on your plate.  Good that you have the help of a therapist.  Therapy can be very helpful.  I've found it helpful to supplement my therapy and come here and post.  It helps to share and realize that others have problems similar to ours.

I personally don't want to have anything to do with her, but my wife says we have to maintain contact for the sake of our niece.  But my sister naturally does not allow contact with our niece.

It must be frustrating to not be able to set you own boundaries with your sister, because your wife jumps in.  Have you discussed the situation with your therapist?  How old is your niece?

The uBPD in my life is my sister.  She has always had drama in her life, but I was able to side step it and not get involved.  Guess I didn't become a threat until we had to work together, when our parent's health started to fail.  The wheel really fell off the bus and my uBPD sis painted me black and I still am black.

My dad passed in October of 2014 at age 92.  He never had a diagnosis, but he had anger management problems.  He was never physically abusive, but boy could he yell.  He was frequently grouchy/grumpy and picky.  Towards the last 10 years of his life, it became apparent that he had an anxiety disorder and depression, and we were able to get him on some meds for a period of time.  It was tough to get him onto any psyc meds and then to keep him on them.  We did notice that he was in a better mood when he was on some Lexapro.  I suspect that my dad had a bit of ADD and OCD as well.  In my parent's day, it wasn't common for people to seek therapy. At a point, I came to an understanding that my dad likely suffered with depression and anxiety through out his life (off and on).  He didn't have the tools to deal with it, and during most of his life, there weren't tools for him. 

You indicate that your dad wouldn't acknowledge his OCD traits.    How long ago did your father pass?

Have you read any of the info. on this website about boundaries yet?  In case you haven't, here are a couple of links:

Here is a link to a couple threads about boundaries:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

This link leads to discussion thread on boundaries (there are approx. 7 pages of discussion)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

RUMINATIONS

You might find this info./discussion on ruminations helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0;all

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0;all


Best Wishes. 

[BowlOfPetunias]

“It was perhaps their normal, and they didn't know any better. Did your mom acknowledge her mom had NPD?”

It was actually my father’s mother.  No, he wouldn’t say anything against his mother.  This also created friction in the marriage, because my grandmother could be very harsh against my mother.  Again, he would not defend her. 

“It must be frustrating to not be able to set you own boundaries with your sister, because your wife jumps in.  Have you discussed the situation with your therapist?  How old is your niece?”

I have discussed it with my therapist.  Our niece is 14 years old—one year older than our son.  My wife also feels disappointed because we do not have any other relatives nearby.  My parents are dead, her adopted mother (very, very NPD) is in Maine, her biological mother is in Arizona, and her brother is also in Arizona.  Her brother has a son, so our kids have one cousin they see a few times a year. 

“You indicate that your dad wouldn't acknowledge his OCD traits.    How long ago did your father pass?”

He died in 2007.  He would not acknowledge that his OCD traits were problems.  It was more like people who did not follow his traits had problems.  He was very, very afraid of driving.  If he would circle back to see if he missed a “No turn on red sign” and feared that other people would report him to the police if he made any mistake.  He would never drive during hours when school busses were out, for fear that he would accidently drive past the flashing lights without seeing them.  He always drove10 miles below the speed limit—weather permitting.  I lived in a relatively remote part of town, so it was not possible to get very far without driving.  My mother never drove, so I was stuck most of the time. 

Another example of his OCD traits—after he died, I discovered tax forms going back to the 1970s while cleaning out the house.  He was afraid he would get into some kind of trouble and had to have the proof that he did things right.  (I could never enter raffles—prizes would mess up his taxes.  It took a lot of struggle to get him to let me get a job in high school.  Again, it would mess up his taxes.)

[Naughty Nibbler]

“It must be frustrating to not be able to set you own boundaries with your sister, because your wife jumps in.  Have you discussed the situation with your therapist?  How old is your niece?”

 

I have discussed it with my therapist.  Our niece is 14 years old—one year older than our son.  My wife also feels disappointed because we do not have any other relatives nearby.  My parents are dead, her adopted mother (very, very NPD) is in Maine, her biological mother is in Arizona, and her brother is also in Arizona.  Her brother has a son, so our kids have one cousin they see a few times a year.  

How does your wife get along with your sister?  :)oes your wife's bio mom have any behavior problems or mental illness?  

How long has it been, since you have had contact with your sister and niece?  Is there a target celebration that you/your wife want to invite your sister and niece to)? (4th of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas?).

Do you think your wife has realistic expectations about family gatherings?  I tend to have low expectations, but I know some people place a lot of importance on occasions and gatherings.  Sometimes, unrealistic expectations set up opportunities for conflict and disappointment.  When I read about the drama that so many people( with BPDs in their life) experience around holidays and celebrations, sometimes I think that I'm ok without family around holidays.  There is the option to reach out and make new friends who can become like family. Some people do connect with nonrelatives via church, work, hobbies, sports, etc. and these people can be more pleasurable to be around.  

The dynamics can really change when our parents pass.  In my situation, my parents were the glue that would bring remaining family together around holidays and occasions.  My dad reached a point where he generally did not want to go outside of their home for any celebrations, so the default was my parent's home.  So now, I'm a bit of an orphan, as my only current interaction with my uBPDsis is via our lawyers.  After we finish sorting out all issues with my parent's trust, I will go NC with her.  Should my sister ever agree to seek some therapy and try to tame her rages, I'm open to  work into some greater level of contact with her.

Unfortunately, we can't change others.  We can only control how we interact, react and handle our own emotions.

“You indicate that your dad wouldn't acknowledge his OCD traits.    How long ago did your father pass?”

 He died in 2007.  He would not acknowledge that his OCD traits were problems.  It was more like people who did not follow his traits had problems.  He was very, very afraid of driving.  If he would circle back to see if he missed a “No turn on red sign” and feared that other people would report him to the police if he made any mistake.  He would never drive during hours when school busses were out, for fear that he would accidently drive past the flashing lights without seeing them.  He always drove10 miles below the speed limit—weather permitting.  I lived in a relatively remote part of town, so it was not possible to get very far without driving.  My mother never drove, so I was stuck most of the time.

Gosh, it had to be tough for you to lack transportation and then be exposed to your dad's odd driving habits.  It's a great accomplishment for you to even learn how to drive.  Who gave you driving lessons?  I learned to drive from both of my parents, but I usually came home crying after a lesson with my father.  He tended to yell at me the whole time and I was very sensitive.

Another example of his OCD traits—after he died, I discovered tax forms going back to the 1970s while cleaning out the house.  He was afraid he would get into some kind of trouble and had to have the proof that he did things right.  (I could never enter raffles—prizes would mess up his taxes.  It took a lot of struggle to get him to let me get a job in high school.  Again, it would mess up his taxes.)

I had the exact same experience with my parent's tax returns, only they had some from the 1960's, .   My parents used to do their own tax returns and that usually led to a fight.  Sometimes, my dad would give my mom the silent treatment.  It was a relief when they finallly started to use an accountant.  

My take on your dad's logic to "not let anything mess up his taxes" was that he knew what he knew and didn't want to face the anxiety of exploring anything new with his tax returns. (probably would have been very stressful to him).

My dad was a machinist.  Going through the garage was a challenge, after his death.  My dad was a bit of a hoarder and his logic was "save it, you might need it some day".  My dad grew up during the great depression, so, he had experienced hard times (both my parents did).  My dad was rather protective of "his things" - don't touch them & don't throw them out.  He would make sure he either shredded or pulled the addresses off of junk mail.  I tried to tell him that his landline phone number was listed and anyone can find his address on the Internet.  

[BowlOfPetunias]

"How does your wife get along with your sister?  Does your wife's bio mom have any behavior problems or mental illness?"

They don't get along very well, but the days of us fighting over the will and such are over.  My wife is friendlier to her than I am in the sense of wanting to maintain contact.

My wife's biological mother has a gambling addiction.  I can see that in my wife's impulsiveness.  (A BPD trait, as you know.)

":)o you think your wife has realistic expectations about family gatherings?"

She invites her to things like our son's Bar Mitzvah knowing that she probably won't come.  Honestly, I am glad she did not.  The last time I actually ran into my sister was a my aunt's funeral.

"Who gave you driving lessons?"  Mostly a driving school.  Some from some neighbors.

"My dad was rather protective of "his things" - don't touch them & don't throw them out.  He would make sure he either shredded or pulled the addresses off of junk mail.  I tried to tell him that his landline phone number was listed and anyone can find his address on the Internet."

My father was also a hoarder.  He constantly shopped in Walmart and bought junk.  He always wanted to retire, but then had nothing to really do once he did.  My parents burned that kind of mail before shredders were common.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Have you made peace with the negative things in your upbringing, or do you still have some anger? 

Is it your preference, at this time, to try and appease your wife, by letting her continue to invite your sister to occasions?

One way to look at the situation with inviting your sister to occasions is to just let what is happening continue:  Your wife invites your sister, but you sister doesn't show up.

Are you anxious each time you know your sister is invited to something?  (just knowing that there is a slim chance she will show up)  What has been your sister's history, does she RSVP when she intends to show up?

Have you ever tried the "Medium Chill" technique?  Some people have found it helpful.  Good to have some tools to  use, in case you sister shows up at an event.  Here is the link:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114204.0