Broke up with BPD girlfriend of 6 years.

[asphyx]

I broke up yesterday with my BPD girlfriend of 6 years because I highly suspected she has been cheating on me for a week or so. My gut feeling during this time was so intense that I lost my appetite and couldn't sleep properly. This has been the most emotionally painful week of my life, and breaking up was the hardest decision of my life.

Things that made me come to the conclusion that she was cheating:

- She suddenly seemed uninterested in me and wanted to spend days apart, even though we had spent basically the last 5 years of our relationship attached at the hip.

- She contacted me only once or twice during this time, when usually she would constantly keep in contact with me via text if we were apart.

- She would stay out much longer than what she had planned.

- She started to ignore my phone calls when she was away.

- When she came back one night, she was repulsed when I touched her or tried to comfort her. She started a fight over nothing and used it as an excuse to leave. I basically begged her to stay for 3 hours but she absolutely refused and continued to verbally abuse me until I let her leave.

- She got extremely angry when I told her that something doesn't feel right and that I had a strong gut feeling about the whole situation. She was extremely defensive about the entire ordeal, but wasn't willing to do what was required to re-gain my trust.

- She would randomly mention this new guy that she recently met.

- She changed my name on her phone from 'babe' to just my real name, after I tried calling her a few times. She also put her phone on silent.

- She wanted to leave the comfort of our house to "spend some time alone" at a cheap hotel, when I know she hates being alone.

- She took a hair straightener, make-up and lots of spare clothes to the hotel.

- After going through her phone, I saw that she lied to her friends/family about me, saying that I had 'gone crazy' and she couldn't deal with me any longer (I did nothing).

- She also tried to segregate me from the friend that she met this guy through.

- She lied about where she was staying to me and her friends.

However, I didn't get 100% proof of her cheating. She denies ever doing anything. Am I crazy for thinking it or what?

I still can't believe she did it, as she just threw away all her security, and all her chances of leading a (somewhat) normal life with me. The new guy is someone I would never have thought she'd be attracted to.

Today I have been getting phone calls and messages all day from her, begging me to talk to her, saying that she loves me, etc. I'm trying to stay strong but it is so difficult. I blocked her number because I couldn't take it any longer, but I can still see how many calls have been blocked, which reminds me of her. She tried calling me about 10 times yesterday, today it's over 50. I'm worried she's going to start appearing at my house.

Why is she contacting me instead of this new guy she met? How long will it take until she stops trying to contact me?

[Ahoy]

mate I only have time for a quick reply but I wanted to say I 100% know how you are feeling. That feeling you get is incredibly painful, it's like repeatedly being punched in the gut while you can only stand paralyzed in disbelief that this is happening.

When I broke up with mine (unaware of cheating but suspecting it) she was so upset, even though for all intensive purposes, I had been replaced. She said "we are going through a rough patch" Yes, because two affairs (and probably more) is just a rough patch.

What I'm getting at, is you have trusted your gut (a fact more of us should probably have done) and now you need to stay strong and weather the storm.

Your brain might start going through withdrawal like symptoms from this sudden separation. Have a strong support network in place (friends/family). I had a mate that I could call day/night IF I felt like I was about to call my ex. He would take my call, tell me I was an idiot and talk to me until I stopped feeling like i did.

There is no answer on how long you will be contacted for. Borderlines fear abandonment more than anything. If it gets unbearable, come talk to us on here. This board is loaded with great advice!

[asphyx]

Thank you, ahoy. 

She is still calling and it is killing me. She has been calling almost non-stop for 12 hours now.

I gave up everything for her, I put so much into the relationship. I was dependent on her, and she was dependent on me. It was unhealthy but it seemed to work for us. We both spent very minimal time with other people, and almost all the time together (she even got me a job with her because we were so attached).

The problem is that I am a very shy person, I drifted away from my friends in favor of my girlfriend. She was the only girlfriend I've ever had and, to be honest, it was a fluke that we got together in the first place. I'm so scared I won't be able to find anyone else.

Now all I have is my family, I feel so alone.

[Ahoy]

Thank you, ahoy.  

She is still calling and it is killing me. She has been calling almost non-stop for 12 hours now.

I gave up everything for her, I put so much into the relationship. I was dependent on her, and she was dependent on me. It was unhealthy but it seemed to work for us. We both spent very minimal time with other people, and almost all the time together (she even got me a job with her because we were so attached).

The problem is that I am a very shy person, I drifted away from my friends in favor of my girlfriend. She was the only girlfriend I've ever had and, to be honest, it was a fluke that we got together in the first place. I'm so scared I won't be able to find anyone else.

Now all I have is my family, I feel so alone.

Once again, right there with you, my longest relationship prior to my wife was 8 months. Unfortunately a lot of her issues I passed off as things you deal with being in a serious relationship. I ended two friendships on her request and distanced myself from my friends/family over the years too, the feeling of isolation is terrible, maybe use this time to reconnect with those you distanced yourself from.

I felt very much that I wouldn't find anyone else. Guess what, I'm almost 4 months out, way too early to date, but I can see that I DESERVE someone who will remain faithful and treat me well and some days, I'm so excited for the future because I know I'm fundamentally a good person and a good catch! I think most of us on here are generous, giving people (most likely including you!) it's part of what kept us enmeshed with our BPD's for so long!

When the time is right (you will know when that is) you can begin to look at what may have attracted you to someone with BPD traits in the first instance, then kept you enmeshed! It's scary stuff, but it's important because healing from this will make us MUCH more attractive to potential healthy partners in the future.

One last thing, you are probably start playing the 'what ifs' game a lot. Please remember to cut yourself some slack ok, I was so hard on myself at the time of separation that in hindsight, were really out of my control or was simply cause/effect from her erratic behavior. If you truly think you made mistakes STILL CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK. Process what you did/didn't do later on, you have enough weight on your shoulders as it is.