Wanna find out what you're really made of?

[Wize]

Then get involved with a pwBPD.  Seriously, they challenge us in every possible way.  They hit us with anger, seduction, blame, threats, depression, jealousy, random crazy sh!t, general overall abuse, hate and did I mention anger? We are tested to our very limits with these people.  They will frustrate us to our maximum capacity as we realize how futile any sort of honest dialogue is with them.

When the relationship ends and the dust clears... .we see what's left of us.  You'll see who you really are, what you're really made of.  For me is was a big slap of brutal honesty right in the kisser.  I'm getting to see who I really am.  Something my BPDwife will never understand.

[NCEA]

So, who are you?

As for myself, I guess I have some sort of a very unhealthy tendency to want to challenge myself where I shouldn't. Maybe I just wanted to keep trying something that was doomed to fail so I can prove myself that relationships never work.

[JerryRG]

Interesting topic, my sponsor asked me yesterday when I posed a question about my exgf to him, he asked, is this about control, or are you just needing chaos in your life because you're bored?

He knows me and the way I think, I cannot wait until I know how I think,

Yes my relationship was he** and yet because of it I'm better than ever. I watched a video the other day about narcissist and the person said something very powerful, she said we will get away from our abusers eventually and when we do we will come out the other side with such insight into ourselves that we will be so grateful for this experience we won't ever be the same again.

I for one can only agree 100%

I won't post a link because it isn't approved for this site

[Dhand77]

Interesting topic, my sponsor asked me yesterday when I posed a question about my exgf to him, he asked, is this about control, or are you just needing chaos in your life because you're bored?

He knows me and the way I think, I cannot wait until I know how I think,

Yes my relationship was he** and yet because of it I'm better than ever. I watched a video the other day about narcissist and the person said something very powerful, she said we will get away from our abusers eventually and when we do we will come out the other side with such insight into ourselves that we will be so grateful for this experience we won't ever be the same again.

I for one can only agree 100%

I won't post a link because it isn't approved for this site

YES!

The more I go through this, the more I feel myself changing for the better. The Dhand77 that comes out of this tunnel, will be one with much better boundaries, more emotional maturity and a better sense of human behavior. This break up changed everything. I feel like Neo when he woke up out of the Matrix, and he could never go back to the way things used to be.

[JerryRG]

I like the analogy of the Metrix, that sums up this whole experience for me too. I've used the Alice in Wonderland analogy too, I started down the Rabbit Hole when I first started the relationship with my ex and I thought I had the skills and insight to prevent total disaster but I was sadly mistaken. I allowed her to take me deeper and deeper until I was lost in the darkness of her insane world.

[Wize]

From my relationship with BPDwife I've learned that I had developed a fear of being alone, that I would never find somebody to love me for me.  I believed that I was less than desirable because that's how my dad made me feel growing up.  I've learned that I have to face my fears and overcome them so that I can be free and love who I am.

The environment created by the BPD dynamic in our relationship provided just the right conditions to bring about a lot of self examination, transparency and brutal honesty about who I am.  I'm just scratching the surface.  Still need to heal.

[cherryblossom]

Titanium!

[gotbushels]

cherryblossom



An example from my relationship was thinking about how pwBPD are attracted to those with complementary traits. I had a smattering of excessive inappropriate caretaker in me that I wanted to take out and shoot upon discovery. When I questioned him it helped me sympathise--but I still wanted to shoot his leg.

I think this is a good question. Thanks JerryRG.

Interesting topic, my sponsor asked me yesterday when I posed a question about my exgf to him, he asked, is this about control, or are you just needing chaos in your life because you're bored?

Well some boys like dangerous toys but we haven't all day to play.

[Hebrews12]

Loved your question and all the replies.

I must be a marshmallow, because I keep getting burnt.

I have found out that I'm pretty impatient with rudeness and have to use (as Madeye Mooney from Harry Potter would say) "CONSTANT VIGILANCE" on all my boundaries, which I hate to do because it is exhausting.  I am a generous person that wants to give (it is my expressed love language) and boy-howdy, pwBPD love people like me. 

yikes.

[troisette]

A year since we split.

Emotionally flayed when it ended, had never felt anything like it before.

After nine months of no contact, lots of reading, self examination and reflecting on the relationship; I am not the person I was. Much clearer about why I got involved, my part in it, why I wasn't functioning properly when it ended. Understanding why I became enmeshed.

A slight sense of loss remains, but it's sadness for what I now realise was a chimera. I feel compassion for him, and for me too.

It was hellish at the time, I never want to revisit that place. Not a linear journey and I haven't reached my final place of peace. But it's within sight.

I feel in a much better place than I did before I met my ex. Empathy to all of you who are on the journey. It does get better. 

[freemanstrut]

This has been one of the most surprising parts of the breakup for me.

1.  Seeing parts of myself in her that I didn't like, and now refuse to accept.

2.  Recognizing the behaviors in my family that led me to be vulnerable to this kind of relationship.  My mother's constant invalidation of my own emotions, coupled with her own emotional volatility - always justified by some crisis in her life that meant she could treat those around her poorly - is the primary contender.  That wasn't my fault, and it never will be.  But it did condition me to be passive and to try to avoid stirring up that crazy part of her.  Being with my BPDex felt pretty natural to me, and it shouldn't have.

3.  Just how ___ing strong I am to have endured a mother with undiagnosed psychiatric problems that I cannot begin to guess at, a father who supported her completely to avoid problems in his marriage, and a BPDex who either wanted to change and couldn't, or put on a good show of wanting to.

At the end of the day there is no distinction between those possibilities.  Actions are all that matter.

4.  The path ahead has never seemed so clear or bright to me.  The areas of my life that require improvement are laid out before me, and I'm working on each in turn.

I was fat and lazy.  I'm exercising daily.

I was creatively unsatisfied.  Now I'm back to making music, while pondering possible writing projects.

I need to do more to ensure economic stability, but my resume is polished and I've been shopping it around.

I made excuses.  Now I take responsibility.

Let the rust, the apathy, and excuses flake away.  I am steel beneath.

[Wize]

I made excuses.  Now I take responsibility.

Let the rust, the apathy, and excuses flake away.  I am steel beneath.

Hell yeah!

I accept the challenges before me because I know they will make me stronger.

[NCEA]

I learned that I split all the time. That the strength of my feelings isn't normal, extreme in both ways. Can't deal with rejection. Oh, and I've learned all about personality disorders , traits, flags... .

I'm so glad I met my ex  what a rich experience.

[Violettine]

Does no one ever come out and say, "for your good and that of your potential partner/s, you're not supposed to be in a romantic relationship?" --not under penalty of anything, just stating the fact that it most likely is. I mean, I know that relationships help us all evolve as people, but at whose expense?

[JerryRG]

Hey Violettine

Throw in an innocent child and yes, these are very serious issues. My exgfs OGBYN tried his best to convince her to be sterilized surgically to prevent her from having another child.

People with this disorder can wreak lives and those of their children so this needs to be addressed is a very serious manner.

[gotbushels]

Does no one ever come out and say, "for your good and that of your potential partner/s, you're not supposed to be in a romantic relationship?" --not under penalty of anything, just stating the fact that it most likely is. I mean, I know that relationships help us all evolve as people, but at whose expense?

If I heard this personally, I would consider why and work with that. This statement is not a reason in itself. I probably wouldn't tell this to my friends, I would try to kindly assert if there is a clear reason that I can see. This statement on its own does nothing positive but I can see it does something negative--I can't really see that being too helpful. I think it can be seen to encourage powerlessness so I guess I would avoid it.

[Violettine]

I meant stating or implying that the illness itself is the reason. I appreciate the insight from you both.

Does no one ever come out and say, "for your good and that of your potential partner/s, you're not supposed to be in a romantic relationship?" --not under penalty of anything, just stating the fact that it most likely is. I mean, I know that relationships help us all evolve as people, but at whose expense?

If I heard this personally, I would consider why and work with that. This statement is not a reason in itself. I probably wouldn't tell this to my friends, I would try to kindly assert if there is a clear reason that I can see. This statement on its own does nothing positive but I can see it does something negative--I can't really see that being too helpful. I think it can be seen to encourage powerlessness so I guess I would avoid it.

[Violettine]

Nice to see treaters being proactive. My mom's OBGYN told my dad the same about her. Not sure if he said it to her.

Hey Violettine

Throw in an innocent child and yes, these are very serious issues. My exgfs OGBYN tried his best to convince her to be sterilized surgically to prevent her from having another child.

People with this disorder can wreak lives and those of their children so this needs to be addressed is a very serious manner.

[gotbushels]

Haha okay Violettine  I'm sorry the casual tone was lost in the text.

Maybe someone has said that to the BP but I can't imagine it going down too well. It's basically pressing the abandonment trigger. If it's a friend of the BP saying that, where the symptoms sometimes don't manifest, then I'd see it as an abandonment bomb laid for when the non gets home... .

[Violettine]

Yes they may think they're unwanted in the existing relationship.

Haha okay Violettine  I'm sorry the casual tone was lost in the text.

Maybe someone has said that to the BP but I can't imagine it going down too well. It's basically pressing the abandonment trigger. If it's a friend of the BP saying that, where the symptoms sometimes don't manifest, then I'd see it as an abandonment bomb laid for when the non gets home... .

[once removed]

i think one must consider how they might react on the receiving end.

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

I meant stating or implying that the illness itself is the reason. I appreciate the insight from you both.

Does no one ever come out and say, "for your good and that of your potential partner/s, you're not supposed to be in a romantic relationship?" --not under penalty of anything, just stating the fact that it most likely is. I mean, I know that relationships help us all evolve as people, but at whose expense?

If I heard this personally, I would consider why and work with that. This statement is not a reason in itself. I probably wouldn't tell this to my friends, I would try to kindly assert if there is a clear reason that I can see. This statement on its own does nothing positive but I can see it does something negative--I can't really see that being too helpful. I think it can be seen to encourage powerlessness so I guess I would avoid it.

[troisette]

Suggestion of surgical sterilization on grounds of mental illness is serious territory: eugenics.

[bAlex]

I agree, these relationships and breakups are game changers. I'm nothing like I used to be. It has affected almost every part of my life in some way. From the way I dress to the company I keep to the way I think.

One good thing that came from this is that any future relationship will be a piece of cake compared to this one.

[Violettine]

That's true.

Suggestion of surgical sterilization on grounds of mental illness is serious territory: eugenics.

[Violettine]

Yes. Their attachment system needs to be stimulated and they will fight for it in their own ways...

i think one must consider how they might react on the receiving end.

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

I meant stating or implying that the illness itself is the reason. I appreciate the insight from you both.

Does no one ever come out and say, "for your good and that of your potential partner/s, you're not supposed to be in a romantic relationship?" --not under penalty of anything, just stating the fact that it most likely is. I mean, I know that relationships help us all evolve as people, but at whose expense?

If I heard this personally, I would consider why and work with that. This statement is not a reason in itself. I probably wouldn't tell this to my friends, I would try to kindly assert if there is a clear reason that I can see. This statement on its own does nothing positive but I can see it does something negative--I can't really see that being too helpful. I think it can be seen to encourage powerlessness so I guess I would avoid it.

[earlgrey]

there have been mentions of steel, titanium and marshmallow here... .

I am still living with my uB/NPD W... .feeling at moments tough like the metals but all too often like Stay Puft  :'(.

Doing work on oneself needs a safe environment... .am I nuts to think I can do it while still together?

How has it been for you?

[gotbushels]

there have been mentions of steel, titanium and marshmallow here... .

I quite like earl grey. Some suggest water in martial arts and possibly meditation. I guess earl grey has similar properties to water, except that it's flavoured:)

Doing work on oneself needs a safe environment... .am I nuts to think I can do it while still together?

Yes, I agree (on the first clause), and it also needs time.

[Leonis]

In some ways, I agree with the OP that you do see where your limits lie.

Will I ever be grateful for the experience? No, absolutely not. This was an experience I could do without. It was an unnecessary experience. It neither increased nor decrease my appreciation for an honest and faithful significant other or even the prospect of having a family. I don't need this pitiful defense mechanism to make me feel like it's okay this happened to me.

It did, however, made me question whether or not having decent relationships is even possible for me in this lifetime.

[gotbushels]

Hi Leonis

In some ways, I agree with the OP that you do see where your limits lie.

Will I ever be grateful for the experience? No, absolutely not.

Yes--when people do things to us that we don't deserve, we usually avoid those things to a great degree. Unless one is perhaps masochistically inclined. 

I don't need this pitiful defense mechanism to make me feel like it's okay this happened to me.

I'm honestly not sure what the defence mechanism is. Would you please elaborate?

It did, however, made me question whether or not having decent relationships is even possible for me in this lifetime.

Yes, some people do question that. It makes sense. Perhaps using one unpleasant relationship doesn't define your future relationships.

I hope you get some rest.

[catclaw]

Suggestion of surgical sterilization on grounds of mental illness is serious territory: eugenics.

This is 100% true! Working in the field, I know there are loads and loads of Projects, initiatives and professional Services to provide parents with mental illnesses and/or cognitive disabilities with help, structure and assessment on how to care for a child and meet the lttle ones' Needs.

The Problem I see with providing professional help for BPD-parents is that 1) they might not be known to CPS as BPD (if they mainatin a certain Picture of themself to the world around them) and 2) they tend to not take adventage of the structures provided because most of it is not Happening under their  very own conditions but on behalf of the child and following certain rules that they did not make. In my opinion there Needs to be a whole new concept of analyzing who might be in Need, reaching out to new families and then offering a concept based on communication skills, case working in Teams and achieving Goals in Teeny steps. I don't know, but this keeps me up at night. Maybe I should really get into the field of developing concepts  

This is, btw, something I learned - I used to think of myself as someone who is free-spirited, empathic and creative and just that Kind of stuff. I used to believe in the good side in people and did everything I could to find it. With SS' BPDm coming into my life I found that this really is something that Needs consideration at times and to not Forget myself and sacrifice my ideals for that AHA Moment of finding one's good side after giving and giving. I found a side of me that is more analytical and sensible towards the Systems around me, but still considers all the sides with their Needs, possibilities and boundaries. This is part of who I am in my laboral field as well. I work pretty well with People with severe mental illnesses without giving up on myself and doubting myself in times of being painted black by someone. BPDm was a good practise preparing me for my work, tbh.

I still get visceral Feelings (Nausea and shaking) when I know there's bs to come from her side and I'm still learning to get to the very essence of what this is and why it affects me but I'm working really hard to stick to my wellbeing and I'm getting better at it every day.

She will be in my life for at least the next 10 years, would I trade in my Family (DH, SS) for a calmer life without BPDm? No way! We've come such a Long way as a Family and I Focus on this and that makes it so worth it.