Anyone else here have crippling social anxiety?

[asphyx]

It's day 4 of no contact after I broke up with my BPD girlfriend (she cheated on me). Now I'm regretting it so deeply, even though she betrayed me and treated me like absolute sh*t sometimes.

She was basically my get out of jail free card. She knew about my anxiety so would take care of social things so I had never had to worry. She wasn't even that social herself, so I hardly ever had to worry about social situations. She wanted to be with me all the time (well, besides the time she cheated ) and was reliant/codependent on me, like I was with her. She was seemingly happy to sit home 90% of the time and mostly do her own thing while I spent time on the computer, then we would spend the rest of the day spending some time together, watching TV together and usually having sex. It might sound stupid, but it was my ideal relationship.

I've been reading about how other people with social anxiety have a really hard time trying to find a partner and it really worries me. I can totally relate to it. I'm 27 and she was still my only girlfriend (we lasted 5 years) and the only girl I've had sex with. It was so fortunate that I met her and hooked up with her to begin with. She was just exiting a relationship, happened to come over when my friends were having alcohol + methamphetamine (so I basically had all the extroversion and confidence I could possibly have) and everything just seemed to click.

Even though I know she's not healthy for me, I want her back so desperately bad. I know basically everything was fake/manipulation but it felt real enough to me. I really regret cutting it off and telling my parents about it, as they have completely banned her from ever coming over again. I wish I just ignored all the signs that she was cheating, and lived in peaceful ignorance of the stuff she was doing behind my back.

I feel so lonely now. I'm thinking that having an abusive girlfriend is still better than having none at all. And I'm scared that if I ever somehow find another girl that likes me back, she will probably also have BPD, so I will just go through the same bullsh*t again. I honestly can't see myself getting another girlfriend... .I saw the rest of my life with this woman. She wasn't just my girlfriend either, she was my best friend, and only friend I saw regularly.

I'm so strongly tempted to contact her and tell her I want her back... .I was the one to break up with her, so it would probably work.

Anyone else here have social anxiety? How the hell did you survive?

[beatrixkiddo]

Borderlines are a very complicated yet very specific group emotionally and relationally. Their disorder is rooted in a fear of abandonment. Once they reach the level of cheating, their attachment is no longer loyal to the one they left, but often they will not let go of it, until a new partner is securely in place. They ultimately invest that attachment truly to one at a time. They only keep 2 at a time until they determine the final "winner." They have such a fear of being alone, that they keep the old relationship stringing along until the new one is secure. That's just a little background to back up the advice for the rest of your question... .Borderlines make those us of us who may need to hide from the "lime light" or have social anxiety" feel safe... .because they isolate us. We are ultimately... .their objects. We don't know that when we are in it. Because we feel safe. And it feeds and validates our need to "hide" from the stressful social situations we just don't have energy for in that moment of our lives. It feels satisfying to have them validate our own need for a little time out. But for them, it's the "smell of blood in the water" that leads them very specifically to us. We are the perfect target. They need someone that is easy to isolate. And the spriral tail spins from there.

So my message is... .stay strong. Be introspective and focus on you. If you are already aware that your partner was not good for you... .you are incredibly lucky. Many partners don't get out that luckily. Oh... .and of course feel free to message me if you ever need encouragement.

[gotbushels]

It might sound stupid, but it was my ideal relationship.

A relationship is what a pair makes of it. I think it sounds restful and good:)

She was basically my get out of jail free card. She knew about my anxiety so would take care of social things so I had never had to worry. She wasn't even that social herself, so I hardly ever had to worry about social situations. She wanted to be with me all the time (well, besides the time she cheated ) and was reliant/codependent on me, like I was with her.

It's important to recognise what you've done here. When we recover, it's helpful to consider how the pwBPD meets your needs. It's actually quite difficult for people to discuss as it's difficult to talk about what are often interpreted as their own "weaknesses"; something about these relationships tends to meet our needs. Well done:) This "get out of jail free card" that you've identified looks to me like an area you can work on to help you recover. What do you think you can do to work with this part of you?

Anyone else here have social anxiety? How the hell did you survive?

What is social anxiety to you asphyx? Could you be more specific? 

I'm thinking that having an abusive girlfriend is still better than having none at all.

I've felt similar to you here. Think carefully. What do you get and what do you give?

I feel so lonely now.

It's alright to feel this way. Apart from being in the company of a female, what are you doing when you don't feel this way?

[Turkish]

It sonfs like you had hermit tendencies (I can relate) before she came into the picture. If that's how you roll, I think it's ok to do so, though if it becomes debilitating, it's an issue which may need addressing, even if it doesn't reach the level of pathology (GAD, say). Even so, have you thought about taking to a professional about this? Dealing with the aftermath of a BPD breakup sounds like it's triggering you.

T.

[asphyx]

I tried getting over my anxiety for years before I met my girlfriend, to no avail. I'm really not in the right state of mind yet to start again.

I've been sitting alone in my room ever since I broke up with my girlfriend. The only people I have spoken to is my family, and one friend.

[Turkish]

Do you feel that human contact only hurts you? If so, did you feel this way before your r/s, or did you not rationalize it like that?

[asphyx]

Do you feel that human contact only hurts you? If so, did you feel this way before your r/s, or did you not rationalize it like that?

I avoid most human contact. It doesn't "hurt" but it is uncomfortable for me, constantly worrying about what the other people think of me and thinking of things to say (which is usually not much at all).

My girlfriend was the only person I felt truly comfortable with. I've never felt as comfortable around anyone like I did with her, not even with my parents or siblings.

I've always been this way as long as I can remember. It got worse around puberty, and steadily worse since then.

[Turkish]

Going back to early life, do you think there were signs or triggers?

Do you think this break up is hard due to your exgf perhaps mirroring you?

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY asphyx

Sorry about your anxiety.  I can relate to the exact type of anxiety.   Have you tried anything to tame your anxiety like: exercise, deep breathing exercises, meditation or guided meditation?  In my experience, sitting around and doing nothing tends to feed my anxiety.

Try to get outside tomorrow.  Go for a walk somewhere scenic, park, beach, etc.  Are you less anxious with strangers in casual situations?  lets say you are walking in the park and you pass someone photographing a bird.  Would you be too anxious to ask a question, like "what species of bird is that" or perhaps remark on their dog?

I've been stuck in a worry wart mode lately myself.  I started reading a book called The Worry Cure by Robert Leahy.  I bought the Kindle version and I'm reading it on my Ipad.  You can also get it as an audio book.

One mental exercise from the book is to only allow yourself to worry for 30 minutes a day.  When worries pop into your mind, write them down and keep collecting them throughout the day.  If your worry time is 6:00 p.m., you can worry all you want and go through your list between 6:00 p.m. and 6:30 p.m.

You can work you way through this! 

[asphyx]

@Turkish

I'm not 100% sure what caused it, but I think it was because my Mum was a bit overprotective when I was younger. There wasn't any experiences that I can remember that would have caused it. I wasn't even abused or anything. My earliest memory of social anxiety was in Kindergarten, I remember there was a doctor's coat and fake Stethoscope toy that I really wanted to play with. But since I only ever saw girls dressing up and playing with it, I figured the other kids would judge me and think I was weird if I did the same.

I think her mirroring is definitely making this harder. I was still convinced we were 'meant to be' even though I knew all this stuff about BPD. We liked the same music, ate the same food, both liked smoking weed, watched the same TV shows, both liked cats, had similar humor, etc. I really miss the cute pet names we called each other and words we made up. It's like we had our own language at times; if someone heard us talking in public, they probably would have no idea what were talking about half the time. Is the personal language common in other BPD relationships?

@Naughty Nibbler

I have tried those things but I have the tendency to get bored unless I see instant, significant results, so I usually just give up.

I generally don't like approaching people because I always think that I am bothering them and they don't want to talk to me. Plus I have very little to say, so I struggle to keep people interested. I could probably manage saying 1 sentence to a stranger like in your example, but I'd probably just have to walk away after that.

[foggydew]

I used to have pretty awful social anxiety; couldn't easily go anywhere without feeling unpleasant and obvious. However, that has gradually gone away... .but my pwBPD has it too. I realised that he and I have the same technique to overcome it - we concentrate on one person when talking, and just try to find out as much as possible about them. People usually like talking about themselves and don't notice there is a lack of reciprocal information.

PwBPD is much like you, asphyx, he doesn't usually go out unless with me.

[Naughty Nibbler]

asphyx

Do you have any personal goals right now?  Are you employed?

       

I tried getting over my anxiety for years before I met my girlfriend, to no avail. I'm really not in the right state of mind yet to start again.

What would be a right state of mind for you to work on your anxiety issue?  I've come to realize that for some of us, it isn't a matter of "getting over anxiety", more like learning to manage it better.  No better than the present time to start.  There will likely never be a good time.  "All or Nothing" can be a harmful logic.

I avoid most human contact. . .I have the tendency to get bored unless I see instant, significant results, so I usually just give up.

  Some of the best things in life happen after we work through some boring things.    The Psychology Today article, at the link below, might give you some ideas about how to have a conversation that isn't boring: "The 9 Ways Boring People Can Bore You"

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/201409/the-9-ways-boring-people-can-bore-you


Sometimes, you have to use a logic of "just do it".   I got my first job right out of high school. It was with a local Public Health Department Clinic.  I was very shy, and part of my job was to share in reception work.  People would come to see a doctor for embarrassing things:  STD's, lice at either end, etc.  I was foced to tame my shyness quickly.  I even evolved to a level that when someone came to the reception window and stammered a bit about asking for what they needed, I'd just jump to inquiring about the worst case possibility.  Sometimes, they were just embarassed about something minor, and backing off from the worst possibility broke their tension (and mine).

We can't get better at something if we don't get some practice.  Volunteer work is one way to get out and about and get some communication practice.

[Turkish]

When I worked in a small cafe (10 tables inside, 5 outside), I was initially horrified when having started as a dishwasher, then cook, my boss wanted me to wait tables. You know what? It helped. Volunteer work is another good outlet, because you can choose what to do: get lost in the anonymity of a crowd, or more one on one.