Needing some support today

[DreamerGirl]

I'm feeling really low at the moment and I just need to hear and know that this will get better.

I'm on day 9 of NC now.  He initially was giving me the silent treatment, for a crime which I honestly do not have a clue of what, that I committed against him.  Lately his ST's have been getting more frequent and longer in duration.  I've been so worn down emotionally.

I have for the first time ever, blocked his number.  Not because I didn't want to hear from him, but because I knew when I did hear, I would get sucked right back in.  He knows the right words to say to me. 

It has really hit me hard.  I thought I was detaching pretty well, until now.  I think every other time, I have know he will always come back and this time, because I have made the final decision, I know it's over.   I'm really grieving now, and I can't even bargain, which is what I have always done. 

I'm walking away, but I am in so much pain.  I won't go back, I know myself enough to know when I mean it.  I've been close, now I'm there.

I just need to hear from someone who's been or is still in this pain and hear how they have resisted the attempts to suck them back into heaven/hell?   I know I have a hard road ahead.

[Hopeful83]

  Sorry that you're going through so much pain. It really is an awful thing to have to go through.

Some things that I'd recommend including ones that helped me with staying away at the time:

1. Recognising that the few times that we spoke during the breakup it ended in him losing his temper, talking a load of nonsense and playing the victim. I didn't know what was really going on with him, and he was clearly in no 'fit state' to speak to me from a space of authenticity, so it really was pointless trying to communicate with him. I reminded myself that it just led to me feeling awful, and I was sick of doing it to myself. I was essentially trying to converse with someone nonsensical, so I had to cut all contact to save myself.

2. Deleted him off ALL social media and made a vow to myself not to 'stalk' any of his profiles. For someone like me who is slightly obsessed with social media, this was a big one and a saviour. I didn't need to see what he was trying to project to the outside world. The little that I did see before I blocked him was upsetting and rage-inducing.

3. Talk to close friends and family whom you trust. I have one friend in particular who is FANTASTIC at reminding me of the bigger picture whenever I'm getting bogged down with small details. This bigger picture view is what always reminds me of how I'm worth so much more than someone who is clearly unhealthy and only likely to bring me pain.

4. Take reaaaally good care of yourself. This is something I was unable to do until a few months in, by which point I had lost so much weight from not eating I barely recognised myself. Make sure you eat good food, do all the self-care you can. Meet with people whom you trust, read books that will soothe you, watch movies.

5. Do some form of physical activity. For me, this was yoga. It's become such a massive part of my recovery that I find myself diving right onto my mat every time dreadful anxiety sets in. It's my saviour.

6. See a therapist. I knew from the minute all this kicked off that I'd need some support through it and it was definitely the wisest thing I did at the time. I'd hate to think where I'd be in my recovery without the therapy. She was able to reflect back to me all my good qualities and help me work through all the crazy sh*t that was happening at the time.

I'm sure others will have even more suggestions, but these are the main ones that helped me.

Big hugs,

Hopeful83

[heartandwhole]

Hi DreamerGirl,

I feel for you, and I remember that moment for me as well. The finality of it hurt so much. The loss of all hope was very painful, but ironically it also set me free to begin my recovery. Hang in there. I can tell you as someone who's been where you are that things really do get better.    I didn't believe that I'd ever feel okay or joyful again, and I didn't care. But thankfully I was very wrong. It takes time and it isn't easy, but you will get through it and thrive again.

Hopeful83 has shared some really good personal tips. From my own experience, I'd say that when you feel that urgent need to reach out (when you know you don't want to)... .STOP. Stop and feel what is going on in your body. Try to feel the sensations and let the emotion wash over you if you can. Many times I wanted to reach out to soothe a very uncomfortable feeling that I just didn't want to feel (e.g., guilt, sadness, fear). Giving myself just 10 minutes of staying with what I was experiencing was usually enough to allow that urge to pass, and to give my wise mind a chance to catch up and advise me of what I truly wanted. Does that make sense? I failed many times, but when I was able to STOP and FEEL and NOT REACT, I climbed one more rung up that ladder of recovery. 

We are here for you. 

heartandwhole

[Moselle]

Dreamergirl,

It will get better, just like heartandwhole and hopeful83 have said.

Well done for having such courage. The moment we make that decision is a big one, but I also recognise the agony of making it. We edge towards it and we know when it's right.

Yes it can be a hard road ahead, but it can also be fun and rewarding. My BPD relationship was a long one, so I bear many scars, and to some degree it is still hard, however, I am finding such joy in discovering a healthier life, healthier habits, friends and eventually a healthier partner.

It sounds like you are quite aware of detachment, and the five steps of detachment. Where do you think you are on this detachment journey?

You're doing great  Hang in there!

BTW, this is very powerful, h&w, thanks for sharing

... .STOP. Stop and feel what is going on in your body. Try to feel the sensations and let the emotion wash over you if you can. Many times I wanted to reach out to soothe a very uncomfortable feeling that I just didn't want to feel (e.g., guilt, sadness, fear). Giving myself just 10 minutes of staying with what I was experiencing was usually enough to allow that urge to pass, and to give my wise mind a chance to catch up and advise me of what I truly wanted. Does that make sense? I failed many times, but when I was able to STOP and FEEL and NOT REACT, I climbed one more rung up that ladder of recovery. 

[rfriesen]

Dreamergirl,

Yes, absolutely, it will get better, just so long as you give it the time it takes. I'm about three months out from the end of my relationship now and finally I have confidence that the skies are clearing. It has taken work, though. Most of all, reminding myself that I long to be free from the emotional chaos that has ruled me for the past year and a half, that I know it's healthier in the long run, and recognising that moments when my mind and heart sink back down are temporary and that it's much more productive for me just to observe and be attentive to what I'm feeling rather than act on any impulse to reach out to my ex or to get lost in daydreams or to "fix" anything. I think of those parts of the day as cold showers now. A cold shower can be really unpleasant, but it's not going to do you any harm. Just accept the feelings for what they are without chasing any urge to fix them.

This is all easier said than done, I know. But put in the effort now and you can be assured that sooner or later you will start feeling the benefits. And remember that even if there's backsliding, that doesn't mean all your efforts have been lost. I have been in limited contact with my ex and at times felt myself being sucked back in emotionally. It was a huge help to me to recognise that this isn't an all-or-nothing situation. Yes, no contact might be the best (or even essential) thing for you now. But if you do have an exchange or you find yourself going over old pictures, emails, etc. after promising yourself you wouldn't ... .just recognise that it's a little backsliding and it doesn't have to throw you off your goal to be free.

I feel like I was blindly groping my way along for weeks and that now I can finally see where I'm headed and that my hands and feet are getting steadier. You'll get there too!

[DreamerGirl]

Thank you so much everyone for such positive and encouraging responses. 

You have all given me some very useful tools to use during the next few months.

I've been reading and trying to practice Radical Acceptance today.  I've got a long way to go.

To have fully blocked him from contacting me is very difficult because I know he will reach out soon and I won't even know about it, and that's always been the time when we would wipe the slate clean, and for a small amount of time I would be painted snow white and our life was a fairy tale of love.

Knowing I've ended that pattern forever and changed the course of my life, which I know, in my head, I needed to do, is so hard.  It's just hard imagining him never being in my life again.  But having him in my life caused me more pain than happiness at the end. 

I had a moment of feeling sad for him today.  I imagined him texting me and him waiting for me to respond, which I've always done.  Then I felt so sad thinking that he would be feeling sad about us and he would be feeling so abandoned.  Even though it was him that abandoned me with his ST.   I examined that thought as best I could and I wondered if that is the part of FOG (Guilt) that we talk about?

I'm hurting a lot but that feeling of sadness for him has now passed for awhile. 

I just want to try and focus on all the horrible parts of the relationship, and hope that that will be enough fuel to get me to the point where I feel relieved, rather than empty and sad, without him.

I tore up all the cards he has given me over the years, all the words of his love, which meant so much to me, but to keep them is pointless and will only cause me pain when I see them.  So I tore them up and put them into the rubbish bin. 

 

[Moselle]

for a small amount of time I would be painted snow white and our life was a fairy tale of love.

So sorry Dreamergirl. We go in with such hope and initially the relationship is all a fairy tale. Slowly, the splitting happens and we yearn for those moments of reconciliation which remind us of the fairy tale days. Eventually, there is only hatred and no fairly tale at all. And it doesn't go back. So sad, this disease.

After a bit of time I can look back with nostalgia at the good times, without the pain. They were real. That will come for you. Hang in there.