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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: I have FINALLY realised that he doesn't love me  (Read 1021 times)
Lifewriter16
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: GF/BF only. We never lived together.
Posts: 1003



« on: June 13, 2016, 08:45:00 AM »

I have finally realised that my BPDxbf doesn't love me. Now, I feel like I'm carrying a 'dark' sadness associated with abuse and mistreatment rather than the acute pain of loss of love. I have resisted drawing this conclusion for well over a year. I have clung onto my belief that somehow, we were different, that we were star-crossed lovers, doomed but still in 'love'.

What a load of bo!ocks I have been feeding myself.

I so needed someone to love me because I felt so empty. I so needed to love someone else because I felt so alone. These things made it hard to dismantle that false belief system. However, that was exactly what needed to happen for me to move forward.

Love

Lifewriter x
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gotbushels
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1586



« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2016, 03:48:44 AM »

Hi LW:)

I think this is important.

I really relate to this:

What a load of bo!ocks I have been feeding myself.

I admit I fed myself things like "We're 'star-crossed' lovers fighting against all odds." I looked for every single reason I could find to stay positive. I did really unhealthy things to cater to that kind of belief.

I so needed ... .I felt so empty. I so needed to ... .I felt so alone. ... .exactly what needed to happen ... .for me.

Yes. No one could really tell me that I had my own asinine gathering of beliefs. Ahem *uninformed* gathering of beliefs. I had to figure it out and play a greater role myself. How many times have you "discarded" your "ego" to learn "insight" and none resulted? Scumbag self-help... .

I so needed someone to love me because I felt so empty. I so needed to love someone else because I felt so alone. These things made it hard to dismantle that false belief system. However, that was exactly what needed to happen for me to move forward.

Perhaps you're right. Perhaps it requires that we feel that we can live without the person. A willingness to let go of that person, or a wish to really remove them from our mental lives, is required before we can reduce the power of the unhealthy beliefs. Doesn't the willingness to let go of the physical marker of the unhealthy belief mean we are more willing to let go of that belief?

A knowing that removing them does not mean we are empty. A knowing that removing them doesn't mean we're alone. A knowing that we don't need an idea of galactic battling for "star-crossed" lovers to be really happy. Perhaps--a knowing that we can do better than the extreme examples leftover from our parents--or the extreme path we may have jumped to in reaction to that.

Abusive relationships and ones where partners give very little aren't right. Relationships where partners give everything aren't right either. Surely that leaves an area that is right, we can see that we have the choice. Not only can we choose to say, "No."--now we have an option C relationship--take that Romeo and Juliet!

Well done on your experience of this. Best wishes with your moving forward:)
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patientandclear
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Relationship status: single
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