My sister

[Our abuse recovery guide]

There is something wrong with my sister, BPD or schizoid personality disorder, but she refuses to acknowledge it.  Myself and my 90 year old mother are always the targets of her rage.  My mother calls me and cries, then acquiesces to whatever my sister wants.  I stand my ground and refuse to let her abuse me, which only results in her keeping a distance for a time then she calls me up like nothing has happened and the whole cycle repeats itself.  My brother is married and his involvement with his kids and his wife's family is the focus of his life.  He tends to have amnesia about what goes on with our family.  Recently when something happened with my sister in trying to explain I just told him she's crazy, he said how come I don't know about this?  Dahhh, you stopped talking to her for five years for something she did to you did you forget?

Now Mom is 90 and trying to put her affairs in order but things are difficult.  My Dad also wasn't quite right and I think that in trying to deal with him for a lifetime she developed behaviors that she can't or won't change making her the ostrich in the family.

To make it all harder on me I got sick last year and never got better.  It's an autoimmune disease so it won't kill me but the drugs the doctors give me to control the symptoms will.

I'm a long time member of CoDependents Anonymous that has helped, so let me say here, thank you for letting me share.

   

[CosmikCon]

There is something wrong with my sister, BPD or schizoid personality disorder, but she refuses to acknowledge it.  Myself and my 90 year old mother are always the targets of her rage.  My mother calls me and cries, then acquiesces to whatever my sister wants.  I stand my ground and refuse to let her abuse me, which only results in her keeping a distance for a time then she calls me up like nothing has happened and the whole cycle repeats itself.  My brother is married and his involvement with his kids and his wife's family is the focus of his life.  He tends to have amnesia about what goes on with our family.  Recently when something happened with my sister in trying to explain I just told him she's crazy, he said how come I don't know about this?  Dahhh, you stopped talking to her for five years for something she did to you did you forget?

Now Mom is 90 and trying to put her affairs in order but things are difficult.  My Dad also wasn't quite right and I think that in trying to deal with him for a lifetime she developed behaviors that she can't or won't change making her the ostrich in the family.

To make it all harder on me I got sick last year and never got better.  It's an autoimmune disease so it won't kill me but the drugs the doctors give me to control the symptoms will.

I'm a long time member of CoDependents Anonymous that has helped, so let me say here, thank you for letting me share.

   

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY CosmikCon:

Welcome to BPD Family: 

So sorry about the situation with your sister.  It is familiar to me.  My sister refused to go to therapy, so I was the one who went.  After a few weeks in therapy, my therapist suggested that I read the book, "Stop Walking on Egg Shells".  I bought the audio book and then bought a work book.  My sister appears to be a high-functioning BPD.

Can you give us some examples of your sister's behavior?

I'm still wrapping my hands around the behaviors associated with BPD.  The one thing that can be hard to understand is how they paint someone black (consider them all bad).  That person can be the recipient of their anger/rage, while they can appear fairly normal with others.  In my situation, my sister is quite the respected church member, but with family, behind closed doors, she can turn into a monster.

BPD traits can run in families and genetics, as well as environment can come into play.  Quite often, something triggers them.  With me, it happened when my sister and I had to start working together on issues with our 92-year old parents.

There is a lot of good information on this Website that you should find helpful.  There are some links on the right hand side of the page.  You can, also, go to "The Learning Center" area on the board (find the main index page or use the navigation drop-down at the bottom of this page).  The links below are likely helpful:

Here is a link to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG):

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

This link is to a Discussion Thread - What it means to be in the "FOG"

Note:  There are multiple pages for this one, might want to find the page numbering area at the top and click "all"

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Here is a link to a thread about boundaries:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

This link leads to discussion thread on boundaries (there are approx. 7 pages of discussion)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

Hang in there.  It can be a bit overwhelming.  We can't change them, but we can learn to control our emotions and reactions and how we interact with them.  You will find a lot of helpful people here.  It really helps to interact with people who have had similar experiences and can relate to what you are going through.

[Kwamina]

Hi CosmikCon ,

A few weeks have passed since you made this post. Naughty Nibbler has shared some great resources with you, have you been able to take a look at them?

You believe your sister has BPD or schizoid personality disorder. It is very unfortunate that she doesn't acknowledge her issues. Although she has not been officially diagnosed with BPD or schizoid personality disorder, do you know if she perhaps has ever gotten any kind of treatment or therapy for her issues?

Being raged at is very unpleasant and I totally understand why you don't accept it. Setting and enforcing/defending boundaries is very important when dealing with disordered family-members. When your sister calls after keeping a distance for a time and acts as if nothing has happened, how do you usually respond to her?

I am very sorry you are also dealing with your own health problems. The drugs you are taking for your illness seem to have very serious side-effects based on your post. Are there perhaps any alternative drugs or treatments available for your specific health condition which might have less severe side-effects?

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

[CosmikCon]

Thank you Naughty Nibbler for your reply.  I've been very busy and haven't been back here until today when I saw Kwamina's post, thank you 2 Kwamina.  I recently started a new job and have my daughter home from college for the summer so my attention has been elsewhere.  Plus my sister stopped talking to me which feels like a blessing!
Your sister sounds very much like mine.  I suspect mine is BPD as the behaviors are so similar.  She's suffered panic attacks and was in therapy for while when her husband divorced her, but she never shared that experience with anyone.  It's been a quite a few weeks since she painted me black and stopped using me as her shrink.  While her distance feels good I expect there will be fallout.  You are right on with how they can so mean in private and yet with others seem so gentle and normal.  I know my sister is out in the world painting a picture of me as a monster.  She's done it before and I've learned to just ignore it, my behavior speaks for itself.  I've learned not to react just let her burn herself out.  After weeks or months of her not speaking to me, when she calls, I don't bring up the past as it usually just reignites her anger.  I pretend along with her like the past hasn't happened.  I am in a no win situation.  I realize she is not well so I no longer get angry and just ride the crazy roller coaster as best I can.
Regards,
CosmikCon

[CosmikCon]

BTW I have a health update!  I think I finally figured out the cause of my autoimmune disease and hope to control the symptoms with diet!  Woohoo!  I should pay myself well for this diagnosis and hope to be off my meds in the next few months.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY CosmikCon  
Best wishes with you new job!  Hope you enjoy the Summer break with your daughter.  Hang onto that "crazy roller coaster"!

BTW I have a health update!  I think I finally figured out the cause of my autoimmune disease and hope to control the symptoms with diet!  Woohoo!  I should pay myself well for this diagnosis and hope to be off my meds in the next few months.

Sounds like good news.  Hope it all turns out the way you hope.    

[Kwamina]

Hi again CosmikCon

After weeks or months of her not speaking to me, when she calls, I don't bring up the past as it usually just reignites her anger.  I pretend along with her like the past hasn't happened.  I am in a no win situation.  I realize she is not well so I no longer get angry and just ride the crazy roller coaster as best I can.

How does it make you feel to pretend to go along with her like nothing has happened? I think it is good that you realize she is not well and are able to not let her behavior get to you as much as it did before. Do you feel like you have any other options than riding that crazy roller coaster?

BTW I have a health update!  I think I finally figured out the cause of my autoimmune disease and hope to control the symptoms with diet!  Woohoo!  I should pay myself well for this diagnosis and hope to be off my meds in the next few months.

This is awesome news! I hope this works out and you will no longer need to take those drugs that seemed to have some very serious side-effects.