My ex gave me closure

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

First some of the basics... .My ExBPDgf is diagnosed with BPD, has been in therapy for the last 2 1/2 years with the last year being in DBT. We dated off and on for the last 6 years with many break ups/recycles. If you would have asked me in the beginning of April I would have told you how well we had turned things around and I would end up marrying her... .We spent two days in April together in a vacation house with one of those days with the kids. It was a fantastic two days, within the top 3 times I have ever spent with her. Then during the second night we had a conversation where I asked her where this was going. I shared with her my thoughts on the future. But she was unable to answer what she wanted and then a very strange look came over her face. And the conversation ended, she was done talking about it. From that point on, for the next couple of weeks, she pushed me far away. It was a very strange two weeks. I then sent her en email basically stating that I cannot keep doing this push/pull and asking her again what she wanted from this. I wasn't willing to keep falling back into this... .

And then I received the following text ending it for good:


I am making the hardest decision right now and it took me some time and probably more time to figure out what I need to do... .for both of us. I agree that things need to be clear and settled with no harsh feelings. I'm ending this as far as a relationship sexual and romantic because I cannot give it my all. That is not fair to you or I. I have so much on my plate and I am losing focus on everything... .honestly my push pull is so completely unhealthy for you and oddly enough for myself as well. I do not regret the time we spent together last week but even then I knew I felt something different, it upset me and made me sad that it was happening. A lot of things you said... .most of the things that you wrote just opened up so much more emotion then I was ready for, but it did make me think and it did help me tell myself that enough is enough. I'm not right in the head not even close... .your working on you and I do not want to impair that either. I am making this decision not to hurt you... .In fact the opposite, I am done causing you confusion, pain, anger etc... .My kids have to be my number one, I cannot fail at what I'm trying to accomplish, sometimes also I don't think you really understand me... .how could you if I don't. I have to get back to work this has been weighing very heavy on me and I didn't want to be silent any longer. You said to be honest and I am, you said you want to end on a kind way and resent or hate. I hope that still stands. I'm sorry for everything I have done to you. I am finished I can no longer keep hanging on and making you as well.



Now I actually could wrap my head around this. She wants to work on herself, her children, and for the first time in almost two decades, shes single. I thought all that was healthy. I was willing to step back, I have my own issues I'm working on (PTSD). I even discussed the break up during several PTSD therapy sessions stating that I respect what shes doing, shes trying to get healthy. In the last year of therapy she has been making some progress. And this is the first break up with her that she gave me closure, more progress.

Then within a short time after the break up (Maybe two weeks) it happened. She changed her Facebook profile pic to her and her new boyfriend... .Bam!

So did I received closure? Even though it did not play out like she said, I still did. I've learned in therapy the important basics. She loved me the best she could. Her feelings at the time were real. Her feelings constantly change. She has a severe mental illness. And due to her illness this is how she copes. My T has made it very clear that it will take years of therapy for her to have any hope of breaking away from these behaviors and chances are the same fate awaits my replacement.

So what's important to me? It's no longer about her or my replacement. I refuse to give up any more of my power to either one of them. I no longer am spending countless hours thinking about them. I'm not trying to contact her. I'm not checking either's social media, I blocked them.  Instead I'm seeking answers. I'm facing the pain head on. I no longer want to be part of this, I want healthy. I want to be healthy. I am on a journey in asking some tough questions. Why was I attracted to her? Why did I stay? Why did I ignore all the red flags and the abuse? All the why's we all ask... .

We can sit around and focus on them, in a way getting stuck. I do, at times, allow myself to have the thoughts, the memories. It's a huge loss in my life and it's extremely painful. But for me the choice is simple.  Face it head on. Seek answers and go deep. Focus on yourself and take your power back. Take your life back. Going back will not solve anything, it only delays the pain.

And the miracle answer we all want is not getting your BPD into therapy, that alone will not make things better. Yes that's necessary to have any chance of a successful relationship but that'snot our responsibility, and in my experience, it wasn't enough. It takes us looking at ourselves and our dysfunction, looking deep within ourselves, and embracing some hard truth's about ourselves. That's our true responsibility.

So in a way, this life changing journey is all the closure I need. I'm taking my life back... .

[Wantingtochange]

First some of the basics... .My ExBPDgf is diagnosed with BPD, has been in therapy for the last 2 1/2 years with the last year being in DBT. We dated off and on for the last 6 years with many break ups/recycles. If you would have asked me in the beginning of April I would have told you how well we had turned things around and I would end up marrying her... .We spent two days in April together in a vacation house with one of those days with the kids. It was a fantastic two days, within the top 3 times I have ever spent with her. Then during the second night we had a conversation where I asked her where this was going. I shared with her my thoughts on the future. But she was unable to answer what she wanted and then a very strange look came over her face. And the conversation ended, she was done talking about it. From that point on, for the next couple of weeks, she pushed me far away. It was a very strange two weeks. I then sent her en email basically stating that I cannot keep doing this push/pull and asking her again what she wanted from this. I wasn't willing to keep falling back into this... .

And then I received the following text ending it for good:


I am making the hardest decision right now and it took me some time and probably more time to figure out what I need to do... .for both of us. I agree that things need to be clear and settled with no harsh feelings. I'm ending this as far as a relationship sexual and romantic because I cannot give it my all. That is not fair to you or I. I have so much on my plate and I am losing focus on everything... .honestly my push pull is so completely unhealthy for you and oddly enough for myself as well. I do not regret the time we spent together last week but even then I knew I felt something different, it upset me and made me sad that it was happening. A lot of things you said... .most of the things that you wrote just opened up so much more emotion then I was ready for, but it did make me think and it did help me tell myself that enough is enough. I'm not right in the head not even close... .your working on you and I do not want to impair that either. I am making this decision not to hurt you... .In fact the opposite, I am done causing you confusion, pain, anger etc... .My kids have to be my number one, I cannot fail at what I'm trying to accomplish, sometimes also I don't think you really understand me... .how could you if I don't. I have to get back to work this has been weighing very heavy on me and I didn't want to be silent any longer. You said to be honest and I am, you said you want to end on a kind way and resent or hate. I hope that still stands. I'm sorry for everything I have done to you. I am finished I can no longer keep hanging on and making you as well.



Now I actually could wrap my head around this. She wants to work on herself, her children, and for the first time in almost two decades, shes single. I thought all that was healthy. I was willing to step back, I have my own issues I'm working on (PTSD). I even discussed the break up during several PTSD therapy sessions stating that I respect what shes doing, shes trying to get healthy. In the last year of therapy she has been making some progress. And this is the first break up with her that she gave me closure, more progress.

Then within a short time after the break up (Maybe two weeks) it happened. She changed her Facebook profile pic to her and her new boyfriend... .Bam!

So did I received closure? Even though it did not play out like she said, I still did. I've learned in therapy the important basics. She loved me the best she could. Her feelings at the time were real. Her feelings constantly change. She has a severe mental illness. And due to her illness this is how she copes. My T has made it very clear that it will take years of therapy for her to have any hope of breaking away from these behaviors and chances are the same fate awaits my replacement.

So what's important to me? It's no longer about her or my replacement. I refuse to give up any more of my power to either one of them. I no longer am spending countless hours thinking about them. I'm not trying to contact her. I'm not checking either's social media, I blocked them.  Instead I'm seeking answers. I'm facing the pain head on. I no longer want to be part of this, I want healthy. I want to be healthy. I am on a journey in asking some tough questions. Why was I attracted to her? Why did I stay? Why did I ignore all the red flags and the abuse? All the why's we all ask... .

We can sit around and focus on them, in a way getting stuck. I do, at times, allow myself to have the thoughts, the memories. It's a huge loss in my life and it's extremely painful. But for me the choice is simple.  Face it head on. Seek answers and go deep. Focus on yourself and take your power back. Take your life back. Going back will not solve anything, it only delays the pain.

And the miracle answer we all want is not getting your BPD into therapy, that alone will not make things better. Yes that's necessary to have any chance of a successful relationship but that'snot our responsibility, and in my experience, it wasn't enough. It takes us looking at ourselves and our dysfunction, looking deep within ourselves, and embracing some hard truth's about ourselves. That's our true responsibility.

So in a way, this life changing journey is all the closure I need. I'm taking my life back... .

[Wize]

The letter seems needless. She isn't telling you anything you don't already know, she's just white-washing it. You know what the issues were in the relationship, you know the level of abuse.  You didn't need her to tell you all that.  Closure is not something you get from another person, it comes from you and your own conclusions and realizations about the relationship. Closure comes with time and healing. 

I guess also, I'm conditioned to not believe a single word a pwBPD ever says.  So the letter just looks like a bunch of mumbo jumbo to me.  But I'm glad you're getting something positive from it.  Just don't ruminate on the letter.  It's just a letter. jmho

[Wantingtochange]

Closure is not something you get from another person, it comes from you and your own conclusions and realizations about the relationship. Closure comes with time and healing. 

Wize, thank you for the encouragement. I agree regarding the letter, I'm not sure why she sent it considering she had a replacement inline. I have shifted my focus from trying to figure all that out to myself. I like and appreciate you perspective on closure.

[swampgas95]

I got the chills reading this. I could have written the exact same thing about my experience over the last 2 months. My exBPD said she wanted to take some time alone to talk to God and figure out what she needs/wants after I moved out for the "hundredth time"(she called my daughter a whore and told me to fu&* off when I challenged her on it).

The reason she wrote the letter is simple. She knew she would look like an a#$hole once everyone found out about the replacement, so she had to break things off on her terms, taking the "moral high ground."

Same thing happened to me. She charmed me in for a couple of more weeks and then I came home to the locks being changed. She told me she'd "moved on and I needed to move on too." 2 weeks later she was blowing up social media with her and my replacement (something she said she didn't believe in and never did for us). There can be no closure with these people because there is no end. It is a continuous cycle that never closes. They jump from host to host and we are left broken and confused.

Just like a lion has no guilt  about taking a gazelle, BPD's have no problem taking down their prey. It is equally as animalistic. Pure instinct and survival. That's the closure I suppose. If a gazelle asked the lion why he ate his friend, the lion would say "because I'm a fu*&ing lion. That's what I do." We are but emotional gazelles that were a little too slow and weak.

[Wantingtochange]

The reason she wrote the letter is simple. She knew she would look like an a#$hole once everyone found out about the replacement, so she had to break things off on her terms, taking the "moral high ground.

I wish I knew what her reasoning was in writing the letter to me but I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never know. Each time in therapy that I venture down the road of asking why she did this or why she did that my T always brings me back to the same spot, she's mentally iil, she's broken, and her coping ways are very different then mine. I've concluded that I'll never know her real reasons other then magically my replacement appears a short time later.

I spent time beating myself up for attempting to understand what she wanted out of a relationship with me knowing that it triggered her. But then I asked myself, isn't it healthy communicating my concerns?

Part of my letting go is knowing it will never make sense. Its cruel, its exceptionally painful, and so unfair how easily she's moved on and Im shattered. But just yesterday my T pointed something out that I agree with. I'm doing the work needed to address and change things within myself and she's continuing on with destructive unhealthy behavior. Who in the long run Will be better off and happier?

I'm holding onto that, it opened my eyes... .

[SummerStorm]

A year ago, I was in your exact place.  My BPD friend/former lover, after splitting me black for six weeks, wrote me a letter.  She thanked me for helping her realize she needs help, she told me she and her boyfriend were moving in with her parents.  Blah, blah, blah.  But not once did she apologize.  The closest she came was saying she knew she "wasn't quite the friend"  I thought she was.  And then, she ended by saying it would be best for her if I didn't contact her again.  Less than three weeks later, the move was off, she had broken up with her boyfriend, was dating someone else, and was asking me if she could live with me.  On top of that, she's now convinced that she doesn't need help.

Back in February, the guy she was dating broke up with her.  She was depressed for days.  Then, she met a new guy and everything reset.  She did push/pull with him for a while, before breaking up with him.  Then, a few days later, she was back with the guy from February.  That lasted for two weeks.  Then, three days after she had posted pictures of them lying in bed together, she posted a pic with the guy who came before him.  They've been back together for about a month or so, and she is in the middle of idealizing him and refuses to answer my texts, even though we have been on good terms for six months and she was recently talking about taking me out to celebrate my master's degree.

A few days ago, she posted a meme about exes showing off their new girlfriends to make their exes jealous.  No idea who that was aimed at, but I find it funny that she spent all of yesterday documenting her day with her boyfriend, posing with him, hugging him, etc.  She's known him for three months, and that's the first time she's done that.   Coincidence?   I think not.

Basically, the point I'm trying to make is that you shouldn't believe a word they say.  Pay attention to actions.  For example, my friend posted that meme to make it look like she doesn't care about her ex, but suddenly  flooding social media with pics of her and her boyfriend says otherwise.   She refuses to talk to me, yet she obsessively checks my Snapchat story.  

They are a severely messed up bunch of people.

[swampgas95]

The reason she wrote the letter is simple. She knew she would look like an a#$hole once everyone found out about the replacement, so she had to break things off on her terms, taking the "moral high ground.

But just yesterday my T pointed something out that I agree with. I'm doing the work needed to address and change things within myself and she's continuing on with destructive unhealthy behavior. Who in the long run Will be better off and happier?

I'm holding onto that, it opened my eyes... .

That's a really good point and something I spoke with my T about as well. I look at it this way; She is like an out of control train speeding down the tracks. I was on board this train, but fortunately she threw me off. It really confused me and I was bruised and broken by it. The good news is that my healing began as soon as I hit the ground (NC began). I am healing and I will be healed. She, on the other hand, is heading towards a cliff and the tracks are out. She is speeding ahead with no idea what is in store for her. As much pain and abuse I may have suffered at her hand, I won't be on the train when it goes off the cliff, and for that I'm thankful. That fate will fall on my replacement, or maybe his replacement. The point is that it will only be a matter of time.

Something I used to always tell her before I knew anything about BPD was that we were like an airplane that was constantly in takeoff mode. We never reached a cruising altitude. We never got to walk around the cabin. We never got drinks and peanuts. We never got to just relax and "be." There was always tension and turbulence. I think we get addicted to the idea that the calm is bound to come soon if we just hold on a little longer. That's the life we all sell ourselves. It will never happen. Not for anyone in her life.

[swampgas95]

The reason she wrote the letter is simple. She knew she would look like an a#$hole once everyone found out about the replacement, so she had to break things off on her terms, taking the "moral high ground.

But just yesterday my T pointed something out that I agree with. I'm doing the work needed to address and change things within myself and she's continuing on with destructive unhealthy behavior. Who in the long run Will be better off and happier?

I'm holding onto that, it opened my eyes... .

That's a really good point and something I spoke with my T about as well. I look at it this way; She is like an out of control train speeding down the tracks. I was on board this train, but fortunately she threw me off. It really confused me and I was bruised and broken by it. The good news is that my healing began as soon as I hit the ground (NC began). I am healing and I will be healed. She, on the other hand, is heading towards a cliff and the tracks are out. She is speeding ahead with no idea what is in store for her. As much pain and abuse I may have suffered at her hand, I won't be on the train when it goes off the cliff, and for that I'm thankful. That fate will fall on my replacement, or maybe his replacement. The point is that it will only be a matter of time.

Something I used to always tell her before I knew anything about BPD was that we were like an airplane that was constantly in takeoff mode. We never reached a cruising altitude. We never got to walk around the cabin. We never got drinks and peanuts. We never got to just relax and "be." There was always tension and turbulence. I think we get addicted to the idea that the calm is bound to come soon if we just hold on a little longer. That's the life we all sell ourselves. It will never happen. Not for anyone in her life.

[C.Stein]

Closure = Turning Around

[SoMadSoSad]

Closure = Turning Around

Wut?

[cherryblossom]

Wtc- what a brilliant post - what happened to u interms of the reasoning ur BPD ex said to u about ending things then a replacement bam out of nowhere echos my experience as does your fight to get healthy and gain a positive focus - best of luck on your journey - i still get false hope but my feelings about everything are far less intense thankfully reading this post has been very inspiring thank u 

[bAlex]

First some of the basics... .My ExBPDgf is diagnosed with BPD, has been in therapy for the last 2 1/2 years with the last year being in DBT. We dated off and on for the last 6 years with many break ups/recycles. If you would have asked me in the beginning of April I would have told you how well we had turned things around and I would end up marrying her... .We spent two days in April together in a vacation house with one of those days with the kids. It was a fantastic two days, within the top 3 times I have ever spent with her. Then during the second night we had a conversation where I asked her where this was going. I shared with her my thoughts on the future. But she was unable to answer what she wanted and then a very strange look came over her face. And the conversation ended, she was done talking about it. From that point on, for the next couple of weeks, she pushed me far away. It was a very strange two weeks. I then sent her en email basically stating that I cannot keep doing this push/pull and asking her again what she wanted from this. I wasn't willing to keep falling back into this... .

And then I received the following text ending it for good:


I am making the hardest decision right now and it took me some time and probably more time to figure out what I need to do... .for both of us. I agree that things need to be clear and settled with no harsh feelings. I'm ending this as far as a relationship sexual and romantic because I cannot give it my all. That is not fair to you or I. I have so much on my plate and I am losing focus on everything... .honestly my push pull is so completely unhealthy for you and oddly enough for myself as well. I do not regret the time we spent together last week but even then I knew I felt something different, it upset me and made me sad that it was happening. A lot of things you said... .most of the things that you wrote just opened up so much more emotion then I was ready for, but it did make me think and it did help me tell myself that enough is enough. I'm not right in the head not even close... .your working on you and I do not want to impair that either. I am making this decision not to hurt you... .In fact the opposite, I am done causing you confusion, pain, anger etc... .My kids have to be my number one, I cannot fail at what I'm trying to accomplish, sometimes also I don't think you really understand me... .how could you if I don't. I have to get back to work this has been weighing very heavy on me and I didn't want to be silent any longer. You said to be honest and I am, you said you want to end on a kind way and resent or hate. I hope that still stands. I'm sorry for everything I have done to you. I am finished I can no longer keep hanging on and making you as well.



Now I actually could wrap my head around this. She wants to work on herself, her children, and for the first time in almost two decades, shes single. I thought all that was healthy. I was willing to step back, I have my own issues I'm working on (PTSD). I even discussed the break up during several PTSD therapy sessions stating that I respect what shes doing, shes trying to get healthy. In the last year of therapy she has been making some progress. And this is the first break up with her that she gave me closure, more progress.

Then within a short time after the break up (Maybe two weeks) it happened. She changed her Facebook profile pic to her and her new boyfriend... .Bam!

So did I received closure? Even though it did not play out like she said, I still did. I've learned in therapy the important basics. She loved me the best she could. Her feelings at the time were real. Her feelings constantly change. She has a severe mental illness. And due to her illness this is how she copes. My T has made it very clear that it will take years of therapy for her to have any hope of breaking away from these behaviors and chances are the same fate awaits my replacement.

So what's important to me? It's no longer about her or my replacement. I refuse to give up any more of my power to either one of them. I no longer am spending countless hours thinking about them. I'm not trying to contact her. I'm not checking either's social media, I blocked them.  Instead I'm seeking answers. I'm facing the pain head on. I no longer want to be part of this, I want healthy. I want to be healthy. I am on a journey in asking some tough questions. Why was I attracted to her? Why did I stay? Why did I ignore all the red flags and the abuse? All the why's we all ask... .

We can sit around and focus on them, in a way getting stuck. I do, at times, allow myself to have the thoughts, the memories. It's a huge loss in my life and it's extremely painful. But for me the choice is simple.  Face it head on. Seek answers and go deep. Focus on yourself and take your power back. Take your life back. Going back will not solve anything, it only delays the pain.

And the miracle answer we all want is not getting your BPD into therapy, that alone will not make things better. Yes that's necessary to have any chance of a successful relationship but that'snot our responsibility, and in my experience, it wasn't enough. It takes us looking at ourselves and our dysfunction, looking deep within ourselves, and embracing some hard truth's about ourselves. That's our true responsibility.

So in a way, this life changing journey is all the closure I need. I'm taking my life back... .

Dude, reading this I felt incredibly proud of you and I don't even know you. This is what I should've done from the start. I could have saved myself so much uneccecary pain.

As for the message, my ex did the same... many times actually. In spite of that I never got the closure I needed. There is no closure. Never will be. And I'm starting to be ok with that. I can't speak for everyone, but I think my ex only wrote me those messages to make HER feel better, to give HER a sense of closure and make things final in her own mind. There was a couple of things that she mentioned that could be seen as her stroking my ego a bit, to make me feel better. Thinking back on it now, I find it rather manipulative. And the only thing those messages did was confuse me more.

I truly believe things will end in the worst way possible for them. And I don't even feel sorry about that. I did everything in my power, fought tooth and nail for this woman and she did her best to sink that relationship.

Keep going man, seems you're off to a good start.

[bAlex]

A year ago, I was in your exact place.  My BPD friend/former lover, after splitting me black for six weeks, wrote me a letter.  She thanked me for helping her realize she needs help, she told me she and her boyfriend were moving in with her parents.  Blah, blah, blah.  But not once did she apologize.  The closest she came was saying she knew she "wasn't quite the friend"  I thought she was.  And then, she ended by saying it would be best for her if I didn't contact her again.  Less than three weeks later, the move was off, she had broken up with her boyfriend, was dating someone else, and was asking me if she could live with me.  On top of that, she's now convinced that she doesn't need help.

Back in February, the guy she was dating broke up with her.  She was depressed for days.  Then, she met a new guy and everything reset.  She did push/pull with him for a while, before breaking up with him.  Then, a few days later, she was back with the guy from February.  That lasted for two weeks.  Then, three days after she had posted pictures of them lying in bed together, she posted a pic with the guy who came before him.  They've been back together for about a month or so, and she is in the middle of idealizing him and refuses to answer my texts, even though we have been on good terms for six months and she was recently talking about taking me out to celebrate my master's degree.

A few days ago, she posted a meme about exes showing off their new girlfriends to make their exes jealous.  No idea who that was aimed at, but I find it funny that she spent all of yesterday documenting her day with her boyfriend, posing with him, hugging him, etc.  She's known him for three months, and that's the first time she's done that.   Coincidence?   I think not.

Basically, the point I'm trying to make is that you shouldn't believe a word they say.  Pay attention to actions.  For example, my friend posted that meme to make it look like she doesn't care about her ex, but suddenly  flooding social media with pics of her and her boyfriend says otherwise.   She refuses to talk to me, yet she obsessively checks my Snapchat story.  

They are a severely messed up bunch of people.

I can't wait until the day comes that I'm completely healed, find an absolutely gorgeous new girl and have built an amazing life for myself. While she was wasting her life away by playing little mind games with people and has nothing to show for it. I think that's the best revenge / closure. Let them check Snapchat or whatever and buuuurn! 

[SummerStorm]

A year ago, I was in your exact place.  My BPD friend/former lover, after splitting me black for six weeks, wrote me a letter.  She thanked me for helping her realize she needs help, she told me she and her boyfriend were moving in with her parents.  Blah, blah, blah.  But not once did she apologize.  The closest she came was saying she knew she "wasn't quite the friend"  I thought she was.  And then, she ended by saying it would be best for her if I didn't contact her again.  Less than three weeks later, the move was off, she had broken up with her boyfriend, was dating someone else, and was asking me if she could live with me.  On top of that, she's now convinced that she doesn't need help.

Back in February, the guy she was dating broke up with her.  She was depressed for days.  Then, she met a new guy and everything reset.  She did push/pull with him for a while, before breaking up with him.  Then, a few days later, she was back with the guy from February.  That lasted for two weeks.  Then, three days after she had posted pictures of them lying in bed together, she posted a pic with the guy who came before him.  They've been back together for about a month or so, and she is in the middle of idealizing him and refuses to answer my texts, even though we have been on good terms for six months and she was recently talking about taking me out to celebrate my master's degree.

A few days ago, she posted a meme about exes showing off their new girlfriends to make their exes jealous.  No idea who that was aimed at, but I find it funny that she spent all of yesterday documenting her day with her boyfriend, posing with him, hugging him, etc.  She's known him for three months, and that's the first time she's done that.   Coincidence?   I think not.

Basically, the point I'm trying to make is that you shouldn't believe a word they say.  Pay attention to actions.  For example, my friend posted that meme to make it look like she doesn't care about her ex, but suddenly  flooding social media with pics of her and her boyfriend says otherwise.   She refuses to talk to me, yet she obsessively checks my Snapchat story.  

They are a severely messed up bunch of people.

I can't wait until the day comes that I'm completely healed, find an absolutely gorgeous new girl and have built an amazing life for myself. While she was wasting her life away by playing little mind games with people and has nothing to show for it. I think that's the best revenge / closure. Let them check Snapchat or whatever and buuuurn! 

She did the same three things that she always does with every boyfriend.  Her mom even told me that it's her MO.  The same restaurant, mini golf, and bowling.  Those are her three things.  

I'm a teacher and have off all summer, so I've made it my mission to something fun every single day, even if it's something simple like going to the park or reading under a tree in my yard.  I went to a concert on June 5th and am going to the zoo this Saturday and another concert this Sunday.  And I'll be documenting it all.  Living well is the best revenge.

[FallBack!Monster]

I would give you a little about my story but I'm sure it sounds the same as the others stories you've read here 1000 times.  No deviation. As long as they have someone to replace you with; could be a friend, cousin, boyfriend, ANYONE... .they will.  Same goes for relatives... .as long as they have someone to replace that relative with, they will.  People seem to all have the same value or no value at all to them.  Blood or not. 

About dedicating his or her time/life to their kids... .hahahah! this woman would use her kid(s) in anyway she sees fits, just to get away with whatever she had plan to do.

Some would probably say to feel sorry for them.  That's not what I feel for these folks.  These are evil, evil, evil, beings... .I don't care what anyone wants to say.  They will steal, break, damage, destroy, ANYTHING of yours and the worse part is they do it when they are smiling in your face.  When she is "acting" like she's upset at you... .she's not.  It's just an excuse.  I know now that she's dead inside, so how she even feel upset? It just a control tactic.  Act mad, don't talk to you for a few, when he or she is done playing games with the current victim, which you know nothing about, she sends a vague text to see if you're still on hold.

Think is that sometimes i'm good and sometimes i wonder what the heck happened to me, and if someone put a spell on me... .I let trash walk through my door, and lay in my bed.  I have never been acquainted with people close to that nasty.

I know, I sound as if I hate her... .Truth is, I don't know what I feel.  But being that I do know how to love and have felt love(d) before, I know what I felt and especially what I feel for her now... .has nothing to do with love.

Please don't listen to words that tell you to stick it out and BPD people deserve or want love too.  There is nothing you can do for them to make them notice (in a healthy way), appreciate, love, or respect you. NOTHING!  They are dead inside and need to only date people with the same defects they have.  In a relationship like that, no one gets hurts because neither would try to please, be honest, or stay with the other.  It would be total silence for both partners.  What a wonderful life that would be for a couple like that.  But no, they look for healthy people so that they can make us feel what they are feeling as if it is our fault.  AND BY THE WAY... .I don't buy the whole "they don't know that they are doing it, crap." 

By the way, check other letters about the same topic and you'll see that they all write about the same type of bs.  I feel bad for us who just wanted someone to return the love and instead we bumped in to Satan.

Satan stole my underwear's (most of them), food from my cupboard, meat from my freezer, cut some of my shoes, bent one of the USB ports on my PC, damaged leather interior and scratched exterior of car, broke so many other things.  This was all done covertly and while we were on good terms... .or so I thought.

Since she's been gone, nothing has been lost or damaged... .but she didn't do it.  Nothing like this ever happened before I met her, either.

Oh and I believe she fed my dog chocolate ice scream... .my dog had diarrhea the next day after she came by eating an ice scream bar.

I knew she was messed up from day one, but i had no clue how much. 

RECOVERY PEOPLE... .EVERY DAY IS A NEW DAY... .LOOK TO THE FUTURE... .PLEASE STOP LOOKING BACK.  IT WASN'T GOOD.  NOTHING TO GO BACK FOR. Don't worry about what he or she is doing.  feel sorry for him or her in the sense that... .you can be pleased with yourself... .he or she will never be happy with who they are.

If you're wondering who he or she is, and why they would do that to someone who loves them... .The devil roams the earth. always have and always will.

Like some prisoners say they travel and are free in their minds.  Some of my family member who where military said they imagine that they are in what they call "the real world" and that helps them when they are on tour.  I would say, travel in your mind. Imagine how nice and far along you life would be if you've never met that woman.  Think about how nice it could be if you met someone who can love like you.  Someone who would have your back and your best interest in mind. 

Someone who you won't mind taking care of, because you know that person is also taking care of your wellbeing.  Always remember how bad it was when you were together.  Forget the beginning!... .that was just a thick smoke screen.  The real truth - the real person - the real situation, is the one that made you end up on this page with the rest of us.  Now, let's keep talking to each other while moving forward with the rest of our lives.  good luck!

It was horrible for me.  What about you?

[Wantingtochange]

Thank you all for the responses. One of the things I treasure about bpdfamily are all the different perspectives. I read and read and read all the post/literature I can and I always find different perspectives, thoughts, outlooks on here. Combine that with being with so many different people that understand what I'm going thru, that's priceless.

As pointed out above, I do believe the letter from my ex ending the relationship was about her, not me. I haven't spent a lot of time/energy lately attempting to figure out why, what her angle was, and at this point it doesn't matter. I spend countless times every day repeating "my mantra" from therapy... .She loved me the best she could. Her feelings at the time were real. Her feelings constantly change. She has a severe mental illness. And due to her illness this is how she copes. My T has made it very clear that it will take years of therapy for her to have any hope of breaking away from these behaviors and chances are the same fate awaits my replacement.

Each and every day is a challenge, the pain is unrelenting. But my pain is creating change within me, that I'll embrace. I will not go back, not that is even an option. But if the day ever comes that she pops her head up my goal is to be healthy, strong, and able to do what I should have done in the beginning. I really do look at this as an opportunity for me to look deep down within. There's so much there that I didn't know about or was in denial.

But tonight is especially hard, I know her kids are gone so it's easy to figure out what she's doing. I work really hard on not focusing on those things but something triggered that earlier. I still struggle with how unfair this is, how she can turn off her feelings and pour herself into someone else... .In time that will heal too.

My mom gave me some advice right before her passing. "Take one day at a time. Take one hour at a time. Take one minute at a time. Just keep going." I am applying that to my situation. I refuse to give my ex anymore of my power... .

Sometimes, that's easier said then done... .But in the end I know this deep down in my soul. I will change. i will heal. I will find peace. I hope someday she can too but I do not think that's likely. So to my ex, thank you for showing me the road I need to take to find peace... .

To all those here suffering and in pain. I hope, pray, and believe you'll find peace too.

[bAlex]

I would give you a little about my story but I'm sure it sounds the same as the others stories you've read here 1000 times.  No deviation. As long as they have someone to replace you with; could be a friend, cousin, boyfriend, ANYONE... .they will.  Same goes for relatives... .as long as they have someone to replace that relative with, they will.  People seem to all have the same value or no value at all to them.  Blood or not. 

About dedicating his or her time/life to their kids... .hahahah! this woman would use her kid(s) in anyway she sees fits, just to get away with whatever she had plan to do.

Some would probably say to feel sorry for them.  That's not what I feel for these folks.  These are evil, evil, evil, beings... .I don't care what anyone wants to say.  They will steal, break, damage, destroy, ANYTHING of yours and the worse part is they do it when they are smiling in your face.  When she is "acting" like she's upset at you... .she's not.  It's just an excuse.  I know now that she's dead inside, so how she even feel upset? It just a control tactic.  Act mad, don't talk to you for a few, when he or she is done playing games with the current victim, which you know nothing about, she sends a vague text to see if you're still on hold.

Think is that sometimes i'm good and sometimes i wonder what the heck happened to me, and if someone put a spell on me... .I let trash walk through my door, and lay in my bed.  I have never been acquainted with people close to that nasty.

I know, I sound as if I hate her... .Truth is, I don't know what I feel.  But being that I do know how to love and have felt love(d) before, I know what I felt and especially what I feel for her now... .has nothing to do with love.

Please don't listen to words that tell you to stick it out and BPD people deserve or want love too.  There is nothing you can do for them to make them notice (in a healthy way), appreciate, love, or respect you. NOTHING!  They are dead inside and need to only date people with the same defects they have.  In a relationship like that, no one gets hurts because neither would try to please, be honest, or stay with the other.  It would be total silence for both partners.  What a wonderful life that would be for a couple like that.  But no, they look for healthy people so that they can make us feel what they are feeling as if it is our fault.  AND BY THE WAY... .I don't buy the whole "they don't know that they are doing it, crap." 

By the way, check other letters about the same topic and you'll see that they all write about the same type of bs.  I feel bad for us who just wanted someone to return the love and instead we bumped in to Satan.

Satan stole my underwear's (most of them), food from my cupboard, meat from my freezer, cut some of my shoes, bent one of the USB ports on my PC, damaged leather interior and scratched exterior of car, broke so many other things.  This was all done covertly and while we were on good terms... .or so I thought.

Since she's been gone, nothing has been lost or damaged... .but she didn't do it.  Nothing like this ever happened before I met her, either.

Oh and I believe she fed my dog chocolate ice scream... .my dog had diarrhea the next day after she came by eating an ice scream bar.

I knew she was messed up from day one, but i had no clue how much. 

RECOVERY PEOPLE... .EVERY DAY IS A NEW DAY... .LOOK TO THE FUTURE... .PLEASE STOP LOOKING BACK.  IT WASN'T GOOD.  NOTHING TO GO BACK FOR. Don't worry about what he or she is doing.  feel sorry for him or her in the sense that... .you can be pleased with yourself... .he or she will never be happy with who they are.

If you're wondering who he or she is, and why they would do that to someone who loves them... .The devil roams the earth. always have and always will.

Like some prisoners say they travel and are free in their minds.  Some of my family member who where military said they imagine that they are in what they call "the real world" and that helps them when they are on tour.  I would say, travel in your mind. Imagine how nice and far along you life would be if you've never met that woman.  Think about how nice it could be if you met someone who can love like you.  Someone who would have your back and your best interest in mind. 

Someone who you won't mind taking care of, because you know that person is also taking care of your wellbeing.  Always remember how bad it was when you were together.  Forget the beginning!... .that was just a thick smoke screen.  The real truth - the real person - the real situation, is the one that made you end up on this page with the rest of us.  Now, let's keep talking to each other while moving forward with the rest of our lives.  good luck!

It was horrible for me.  What about you?

I agree. Love is selfless. If someone loves you they would never put you in a situation that makes you uncomfortable, jealous, intentionally angry, or possibly hurt you or the relationship. There is nothing they would not forgive. If a woman truly loves a man, she would not set a foot out the door. Period.

Thinking back about my ex there was no real deeper sense of love within her. It's all about infatuation with her. Once that honeymoon period ends and the infatuation is gone that relationship is dead and so is she.

I also ask myself what the hell I've been thinking, to let an utter shank into my life. That's 3 years of my life I will never get back. I asked her once what the most important thing was to her in a relationship, she said "good sex". Second thing was "laughter". No mention of love, honesty, intimacy, security, trust, commitment, consideration, respect, forgiveness etc. none of that mattered. As she finds men who display those qualities boring and repulsive. That should have been the only red flag I ever needed to avoid her. I mean think about it, if it's good sex she's after she doesn't need a relationship for that. And if you decide to walk down that road with her you're going to be competing with every man she's ever had before you - every time you have sex. And there were many... It's only a matter of time before she loses interest. Only a loser would put high regard on such a woman.

[gotbushels]

An interesting bittersweet moment. Thank you for sharing Wantingtochange.

I don't think this sort of set of gifts, series of events, or circumstances are commonplace so I'm glad that you've been blessed with them. While I'm unenthusiastic and apathetic about a BP's role in the non obtaining a sense of "closure", I admired your focus on your health and your future from this:

So did I received closure? Even though it did not play out like she said, I still did. I've learned in therapy the important basics. She loved me the best she could. Her feelings at the time were real. Her feelings constantly change. She has a severe mental illness. And due to her illness this is how she copes. My T has made it very clear that it will take years of therapy for her to have any hope of breaking away from these behaviors and chances are the same fate awaits my replacement.

So what's important to me? It's no longer about her or my replacement. I refuse to give up any more of my power to either one of them. I no longer am spending countless hours thinking about them. I'm not trying to contact her. I'm not checking either's social media, I blocked them.  Instead I'm seeking answers. I'm facing the pain head on. I no longer want to be part of this, I want healthy. I want to be healthy. I am on a journey in asking some tough questions. Why was I attracted to her? Why did I stay? Why did I ignore all the red flags and the abuse? All the why's we all ask... .

We can sit around and focus on them, in a way getting stuck. I do, at times, allow myself to have the thoughts, the memories. It's a huge loss in my life and it's extremely painful. But for me the choice is simple.  Face it head on. Seek answers and go deep. Focus on yourself and take your power back. Take your life back. Going back will not solve anything, it only delays the pain.

And the miracle answer we all want is not getting your BPD into therapy, that alone will not make things better. Yes that's necessary to have any chance of a successful relationship but that'snot our responsibility, and in my experience, it wasn't enough. It takes us looking at ourselves and our dysfunction, looking deep within ourselves, and embracing some hard truth's about ourselves. That's our true responsibility.

So in a way, this life changing journey is all the closure I need. I'm taking my life back... .

In many ways--if you focus on only the bolded areas--I think you bear and receive the responsibility for seeking and achieving your sense of closure here. I think that allows you to reap a reward, regardless of her participation.

With caution--only in the moment of her writing that's visible--I admire the tone of your ex. It speaks like someone that has journeyed through a BPD diagnosis and has also been through a lot. I respect that.

I hope you find rest:)

[Wantingtochange]

I don't think this sort of set of gifts, series of events, or circumstances are commonplace so I'm glad that you've been blessed with them. While I'm unenthusiastic and apathetic about a BP's role in the non obtaining a sense of "closure", I admired your focus on your health and your future from this:

With caution--only in the moment of her writing that's visible--I admire the tone of your ex. It speaks like someone that has journeyed through a BPD diagnosis and has also been through a lot. I respect that.

My situation does seem to be one of the exceptions, she at least sent me "her" reasons for leaving, which by the way, was the first time in many break ups where she didn't ghost me... .In my case the reasons she gave me do not seem to match what happened. My replacement appeared and it seems he was around on some level while I her and I where still together. Each and every time we spit she went right back to someone and this time was no different. One of the points I wanted to make with my post is I constantly see people posting If only they could get there SO into therapy. Mine has been for two years with the last year in DBT and the same behaviors are still present, with the exception, at least she sent me a text this time stating why she was leaving.

I should give her credit for doing so this time, I do see that as progress from her. It did seem well though out and I bought it, every word. I had some level of peace knowing the reasons why. I loved her so yes, if it meant loosing her, I wanted her to get better. But those did not end up being the reasons, she simply discarded and replaced me... .again

[cherryblossom]

Wtc that's what really hurt me as well. He said he shouldnt b with anyone, this new diagnosis will b difficult to come to terms with and he needs to focus on himself, he messaged my sister saying he wants the best for me. It hurt like hell- but it felt understandable. When I emptied the flat of my stuff with friends in october there were empty white wine and bulmers bottles typical female type drink i questioned him - he got irritated said it was a friend he is allowed to have friends, then started to send me messages saying he was evil. I actually pleaded with him to stop saying that and to seek help he is not evil just needs to integrate his light side and dark.In jan at a mutual friend party he was still saying he was evil and making me feel guilty for not wanting to talk to him at the party like nothing bad had happened (he at this point had not had heart to heart with me and refused to speak to me sober when ending it)- then in end of aprilish time his sister tells me he is seeing someone from work - he didnt have the balls to tell me - It sho ked me so so much! it is literally like i am nothing. I understand why he said he was evil now because i believe he was lining that girl up and those empty bottles were from her- i asked him to take down pics of us on fbk as he still had them up -even with putting a stupid profile pic of him and this idiot up. God knows what he has fed her. It's like he just wants to b with any tom dick or harry - making what we had essentially meaningless - i refuse to be placed in the void though. He is obvs not ready to fight for a new way of living. I am.