My father...

[unicorn2014]

  everyone

My D 15 successfully completed 10th grade last week and also got hired for her first on the books job simultaneously.  That night she got in bed with me after work and told me that my brother and my parents all called her within 15 min of each other to congratulate her and criticize me. This is the second time I am telling this story on BPD family because it hurt me so much. She told me that she did the best she could to defend me. She also got high the next day.

After sitting with that for several days I finally decided to call my parents and my brother and find out what they said. My father and my brother returned my call, my mother did not. My conversation with my father was very painful. I said to him that my daughter told me that he said something derogatory about my choice to be a homemaker after he congratulated her on her job and I wanted to know what he said. He admitted to it and told me that he said "now that you've got a job your mother can go out and get one too!".

When I told him that my daughter was having surgery on Thursday to get her tonsils out he was very flat. My plan initially was go to back to work in the fall when she started 11th grade however if she has still has her job after I give my deposition for my probate case next month I can go back to work earlier. My father supposedly knew what my plan was. He has not offered to take care of my daughter while she recovers from her surgery so naturally I wasn't going to get a job until she recovered from her surgery.

My father still holds me responsible for the fact she got sent home early from camp last summer, setting my return to work back by a year. He still believes I could have done something about it when in fact it was not up to me. He also doesn't care  that I had to close my case with the DOR in January  when my daughter got a really bad case of strep throat and missed two weeks of school.  I remember one time when she was really sick with a fever he thought it was acceptable to leave her home alone. In fact recently when I said to him what should I do if she gets sick he said "she's just going to have be alone"!

When he asked me why she was getting her tonsils out  I told him I had to go and didn't call him back.

I was very hurt by what he said. I remember how he used to denigrate his half sister who was a stay at home mom and had four children. The consequences of that is now I am in the middle of a probate case because my father angered his two half sisters so much not only did they cut down his inheritance they cut down his children as well.

I am proud of myself for not getting emotionally involved with my father today.

I am working on accepting his narcissistic traits.

We will see if my mother responds. She is the nastiest one, fomenting lies about me like I live in public housing, I have rivalry with my brother and insinuates I'm dependent on the government.

She reminds me of a venomous spider.

[Kwamina]

Hi unicorn2014

I am sorry the things your family-members said to your daughter have hurt you so. What were your expectations when you decided to call your parents and brother? Your daughter had already told you what they said, were you trying to see if they would admit it?

Disordered family-members can be very difficult to deal with. You did not contact them immediately, but in the end you decided to call them. Considering your past experiences with them, were you hoping that they perhaps would change their behavior from now on? Acceptance is indeed key here and I think it is important that you are working on it.

Though I understand your desire for wanting to call them, I think this might play into the drama they were trying to create by making those comments about you to your daughter. You are proud of yourself for not getting emotionally involved with your father. I think it might be best to take it a step further and not get involved at all when things like this happen and to just not call them to discuss these matters. I think situations like this can easily turn into a 'he said, she said' situation and your daughter is involved too here since she told you what they said to her.

You have the right to protect yourself from behavior you deem abusive. How do you feel about setting some boundaries with your parents and brother around this subject, particularly the things they say to your daughter about it? You cannot control what they do, but you can control your own behavior. Boundaries do not have to be verbally expressed but can just be expressed by altering your behavior, like not responding to every hurtful comment they make, that by itself sends a strong signal and also empowers you because it takes away their ability to 'push your buttons'.

I hope all goes well with your daughter and that she recovers well from her surgery

[unicorn2014]

Thank you Kwamina I have to admit I am a bit confused as my daughter is still talking to me about what my brother said, even though he denied it when I talked to him. Bless her heart, she did a paper on PTSD this year. There are certain things that feel too personal to talk about on BPD family . I will try to get back to this later. Thank you for responding.

[unicorn2014]

I'm still reeling from something my dad said to me when I asked him what he said to my daughter. He thinks I don't want to work. I couldn't send him a father's day card this year or call him because I am so upset with what he said to me. I did reply to a email he copied me on with happy father's day. Moving forward I vented about it to a friend so now I feel I can send him a belated father's day card, however I can't call him. It makes me sad. I really would like to move forward in my relationship with him.

[HappyChappy]

Unicorn2014,

I’m so sorry your father has said this to you, I expect most people would find that rather insensitive and lacking in empathy, I would.  But never forget, there is absolutely no shame for being ill. But I’m guessing your father comes from a generation where unseen illness (like PTSD) was hard to comprehend ? If so then his words may well be his clumsy way of nudging you towards what he sees as a better place ? I know my father saw his worth as being his job/work ability to make money. But whatever it may be, hold no guilt for being too ill to work, none whatsoever. Have an e-hug  
 

[unicorn2014]

Unicorn2014,

I’m so sorry your father has said this to you, I expect most people would find that rather insensitive and lacking in empathy, I would.  But never forget, there is absolutely no shame for being ill. But I’m guessing your father comes from a generation where unseen illness (like PTSD) was hard to comprehend ? If so then his words may well be his clumsy way of nudging you towards what he sees as a better place ? I know my father saw his worth as being his job/work ability to make money. But whatever it may be, hold no guilt for being too ill to work, none whatsoever. Have an e-hug 
 

Thank you. I suppose I could accept that if that were the truth but its not. I'm not too sick to work I have too much responsibility. I am a single parent and my daughter is recovering from surgery, has a problem with her knee and her arm. I have no family support. Nobody would be able to work in my circumstances. It has nothing to do with my PTSD. I had to close my case with the DOR in January because my daughter got sick. I still haven't gone back to work as a mother. I wasn't out on disability leave. I divorced and had to go back to work and that's when I found out I had PTSD. I was managing my husband's business, going to college, working in child care and raising my daughter when I was married. It makes me angry to even talk about this.

[HappyChappy]

I was managing my husband's business, going to college, working in child care and raising my daughter when I was married.

That’s a heck of a lot all in one go, especially with PTSD. I understand why you would need to get grounded after that. I guess your Dad just doesn’t understand, but that’s his shame not yours.

I’ve taken on too much only to be badly triggered with my PTSD. I note that the more stressed I am under the easier it is to trigger me. Is that how your PTSD  works ? I have often read that BPD parents don’t often  allow their kids to sit still, or learn how to deal with stress.  The last rant from my NPD began with saying there’s no such thing as PTSD, it’s just a label, and he end on say the reason I did better at school than him was because... .he probably has PTSD !  The hypocrisy. But feck em. Only you can know how much you should be taking on all at once, some people will always find something to critise if that’s their modus operands. We don’t have to listen, or pay note. 

[unicorn2014]

I was managing my husband's business, going to college, working in child care and raising my daughter when I was married.

That’s a heck of a lot all in one go, especially with PTSD. I understand why you would need to get grounded after that. I guess your Dad just doesn’t understand, but that’s his shame not yours.

I was diagnosed after I divorced.

I’ve taken on too much only to be badly triggered with my PTSD. I note that the more stressed I am under the easier it is to trigger me. Is that how your PTSD  works ? I have often read that BPD parents don’t often  allow their kids to sit still, or learn how to deal with stress.  The last rant from my NPD began with saying there’s no such thing as PTSD, it’s just a label, and he end on say the reason I did better at school than him was because... .he probably has PTSD !  The hypocrisy. But feck em. Only you can know how much you should be taking on all at once, some people will always find something to critise if that’s their modus operands. We don’t have to listen, or pay note. 

Thank you Happy Chappy. I paid the price dearly for defending my father on Facebook and still have not heard from him. My dad doesn't care about me, only about his opinion of me, the same goes for my mother, my brother, my ex and my partner. Also my brother's girlfriend and her mother.
I found out my brother's girlfriend had been spreading lies about me that I had stockholm syndrome and I asked to speak her mother who is a psychiatric nurse but she doesn't want to talk to me.
I'm trying really hard to pay attention to people who truly care about me and ignore the ones who don't. Its hard considering who raised me.

[unicorn2014]

So I went ahead and sent my father a father's day card a day late, it was a funny one that said something like I know we've had our ups and downs but it looks like you turned out alright.

I wanted to be clear of my bad feelings towards my father.

I also sent a birthday card to my partner from my daughter and I even though I have bad feelings towards him too.

Getting yelled at my brother yesterday totally reminded me of getting yelled at by my partner. I still don't want to talk to either one of them. In fact my brother said the same thing to me my partner did "would you just listen to me" when he wanted to abuse me. Not only that, my head is reeling at the similarity between my brother and his girlfriend and my partner and his wife. Both have verbally abusive relationships. I let my brother and my partner go at it yesterday and just watched the waterworks fly.

I really want to break free of all these abusive relationships.

My dad is nasty, my mother is nasty, my ex is nasty, my brother is nasty, my partner is nasty.

At least I know I didn't pick my partner or my ex out of vacuum and I really am sick of these  contentious conflicted relationships.

Anyways I requested this book again. I still haven't been able to read people of the lie yet as I've been taking care of my daughter as she recovers from surgery. I think my mother's evil is far more devastating then verbal abuse, she spreads lies about people which I think is worse then verbal abuse.

My father is the narcissist, my mother is the borderline and I'm not sure what my brother's problem is.

[Turkish]

Do you feel that you would have been a bad daughter by never sending him a card?  What kind of message do you think you communicated by sending him one belatedly? 

[unicorn2014]

Do you feel that you would have been a bad daughter by never sending him a card?  What kind of message do you think you communicated by sending him one belatedly? 

No. I don't know if I sent him a card for him or for me. I guess I wanted to prove to myself that I could act like a normal daughter despite the fact he's not a normal father, or a functional daughter even though he's not a functional father.

[Turkish]

Personally,  I wouldn't have sent it.  However, I never had a father,  and I'm obviously not a daughter.  I called my mom,  briefly,  on mothers day,  the last time we talked.  I printed pictures and framed them.  I gave them to my Ex and her mom.  I didn't send anything to my mom.  Just to say... .because... .I was lazy? Just didn't feel like it? Am I a bad son? 

My mom wasn't overtly abusive like your dad.  If it were me,  I wouldn't have sent him anything belatedly,  because to me that sends a message: -tit for tat.

[unicorn2014]

Personally,  I wouldn't have sent it.  However, I never had a father,  and I'm obviously not a daughter.  I called my mom,  briefly,  on mothers day,  the last time we talked.  I printed pictures and framed them.  I gave them to my Ex and her mom.  I didn't send anything to my mom.  Just to say... .because... .I was lazy? Just didn't feel like it? Am I a bad son? 

My mom wasn't overtly abusive like your dad.  If it were me,  I wouldn't have sent him anything belatedly,  because to me that sends a message: -tit for tat.

I did talk to him today. My dad doesn't care about father's day. I am more concerned about what is going on with my brother and my mother, I've had a horrible three days with my brother and then just had an astonishing conversation with my mother. All I can say is my brother is going to get his own thread soon. I tried to post about him last night but it timed out so later tonight when I have some time I'm going to write about my brother. All my life I had been led to believe I was the bad one and then my brother did something on Monday that clearly showed he was the bad one and I'm still reeling from it.

[unicorn2014]

That's all it was. No hi, how are you?, how's your daughter recovering from surgery?, how's your daughter's new job going? Nope, just a picture of my mom, whom I noticed stopped dying her hair and it was kind of shocking to see her white hair.

I have blocked my whole family on my iPhone: parents and brother.

I was told by a LCSW that my dad is at the developmental level of a 2-3 year old, that this is his way of trying to connect.

I haven't responded to the email yet, I'm not sure if I'm going to.

My mom was physically abusive to me when I was a teenager, she broke wooden spoons on my bottom, and today she is emotionally abusive.

I've tried to tell my dad that but he doesn't believe me.

 I started reading this book called mean mothers about mothers who don't love their daughters and I realize that is not my problem. My mother does love me, however she also abuses me. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if she didn't love me. Love mixed in with abuse is very confusing and it set me up for very bad relationships with men.

Although I can not diagnose my mom, when I read understanding the borderline mother I saw traits of all four types in my mom.

I know my mom is trying to bring the family back together for my daughter's sweet sixteen in October and I'm fine with that. I think I want to keep my distance until then. Me and my dad's birthdays are coming up in August so there might be some contact around that, but there's no need for contact this month.