Introduction

[anyplacesafe]

Hi, I'm Amy (not my name, because just as the introductory info suggests, I am convinced my mom will find this post!) and I think my mum has BPD traits. I've been reading a lot about it, and although in some ways she's not at the extreme end, so much is ringing true (and for her mother, too).

I am getting married soon, to my wonderful, kind, safe-haven partner of several years. My mum does all the classic things. I have been in therapy for 2 years but don't feel I'm making enough progress. It is so so difficult for me to talk about, because my mum has always been adamant that

you don't talk about things outside the family (or even to my dad, if it's a row between her and me)

I'm ungrateful for expressing any criticism against the backdrop of All They Do For Me

I should be On Her Side

I am Making Her Ill

Any throwaway/semi-unfortunate remark "shows my/my partner's True Feelings"

Her version of events is ALWAYS the true one

Threatened disowning and "making me live with the consequences of my actions"

She is a wonderful, loving, funny, supportive person some/much of the time, but being around her with my partner can be a minefield. Currently we are on limited contact while she "tries to get over" the "week from hell" my partner and I gave her, after my partner made a throwaway/tactless remark about my dad which seemed disrespectful to my mum*. I privately called my partner on it but didn't tell my mum I'd done so. Fast-forward a week, in which time my mum had also visited HER mother (infrequent, they are effectively on low contact after years of no contact) which she always finds massively triggering. She has now banned my partner and me from visiting for father's day and has told my dad I'm sick and can't travel.

I am a freelancer, which is lucky as I can't work, concentrate, eat, or sleep properly. I feel like I was wrong to think I could even have a wedding. I am furious with myself for not doing better, and not standing up for my girlfriend better. My partner always says if she does something wrong I should call her on it at the time, but I am terrified to do so in case it unleashes my mum's anger. I keep going over imaginary conversations in my head.

*My mum has said far, far worse to and about my dad over the years.

I don't want to go no-contact; I love my parents. But I feel like I'm drowning. Every minute physically hurts.

[Kwamina]

Hi anyplacesafe

Welcome to bpdfamily and congrats on the upcoming wedding!

You believe your mother has BPD traits. It is clear that her behavior is really affecting you. Dealing with a BPD parent can be very difficult indeed, I know that from personal experience with my own undiagnosed BPD mother.

When it comes to dealing with a BPD individual, knowledge truly is power. I think none of us are born with the knowledge and skills required to deal with this. This is something we have to learn as we go along, that's why I am glad you are reading up on this subject. I am also glad you have the support of a therapist. You unfortunately don't feel like you're making progress, does your therapist also feel this way about you? Have you discussed this with your therapist? Healing can take time, often more than we perhaps would like.

Does your partner also know about BPD and that you believe your mom has it?

I hope you getting your story out here will make it easier for you to discuss this difficult subject matter.

Take care

[anyplacesafe]

Hi, thanks for your message!

My partner certainly thinks my mom has elements of it. My therapist... .doesn't say a lot. Very old-fashioned psychoanalytical/psychodynamic model where he doesn't talk and I have to and it can be very general.

I think my mum and I are in a state of enmeshment. She has always made me responsible for her feelings. When she suffers after we have a conflict, it is a sign of her love for me and innocence in the situation (supposedly), but if I share that I am suffering it is a) "manipulation" and b) all my fault, I have nobody to blame but myself.

What I find painfully ironic is that she complains about things her mother has said to her during conflict but then says the exact same things to me.

I am really struggling. I feel I was deluded to think I could ever move past this and move on in any way.

[Kwamina]

You're welcome

I am really struggling. I feel I was deluded to think I could ever move past this and move on in any way.

I am sorry you are struggling so. Perhaps the only way to move past this and move on, is to move through it. I hope you participating and reading here will help you with that. You mention being in a state of enmeshment, this is from one our articles:

The term "emotional incest" was coined by Kenneth Adams, Ph.D. to label the state of cross-generational bonding within a family, whereby a child (normally of the opposite sex) becomes a surrogate spouse for their mother or father. "Emotional Enmeshment" is another term often used. And the term "emotional parentification" describes a similar concept - it describes the process of role reversal whereby a child is obliged to act as parent to their own parent.

Many parents and children are close. Closeness is healthy and desirable. The difference between a healthy close relationship and an incestuous one is that in a healthy close relationship a parent takes care of a child's needs in an age-appropriate way without making the child feel responsible the emotional needs of the parents needs. In an emotionally incestuous relationship, instead of the parent meeting the needs of the child, the child is meeting the needs of the parent.

Emotional incest happens when the natural boundary between parental caregiver, nurturer, and protector is crossed and the child becomes the defacto caregiver, nurturer and protector of the parent. This typically occurs when a the marriage unravels or when there is a broken family dynamic (e.g., substance abuse, infidelity, mental illness and the dependency upon a child increases.

Do you feel like any of this applies to your relationship with your mother?

You can read more here: Was Part of Your Childhood Deprived by Emotional Incest?

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY ANYPLACESAFE:

     

My partner certainly thinks my mom has elements of it. My therapist... .doesn't say a lot. Very old-fashioned psychoanalytical/psychodynamic model where he doesn't talk and I have to and it can be very general. 

I'm currently in therapy right now, as well.  Have you thought about perhaps suggesting to your therapist that you want a more Cognative approach to therapy?  Maybe, just jump in and steer your sessions in a certain direction.  I've actually printed out a lesson or two from this website and brought it into a session to discuss.  A couple of weeks ago I told my therapist that I worry too much and asked her for some suggestions.  She suggested I read the book "The Worry Cure", by Robert Leahy and The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris.    There is a website for The Happiness Trap, where you can print out some of the lessons:

www.thehappinesstrap.com/free_resources

Sometimes, I think my therapist is just waiting for me to steer the ship.  Might give it a try with yours.

[anyplacesafe]

I'm currently in therapy right now, as well.  Have you thought about perhaps suggesting to your therapist that you want a more Cognative approach to therapy?  Maybe, just jump in and steer your sessions in a certain direction.  I've actually printed out a lesson or two from this website and brought it into a session to discuss.  A couple of weeks ago I told my therapist that I worry too much and asked her for some suggestions.  She suggested I read the book "The Worry Cure", by Robert Leahy and The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris.    There is a website for The Happiness Trap, where you can print out some of the lessons:

www.thehappinesstrap.com/free_resources

Sometimes, I think my therapist is just waiting for me to steer the ship.  Might give it a try with yours.

Hi NN! Thanks for the reply. My therapist reckons cognitive/CBT approaches don't work, but I am definitely going to try steering the session this week. I have also started to approach other therapists because I need a very targeted approach to this area.

It's so difficult. I was reading about enmeshment today and it is precisely, precisely my situation. Setting boundaries is going to be hell, though. Absolute hell.

[anyplacesafe]

Also, Kwamina - it's so hard to talk about, but yes, I think emotional incest was definitely a part of my childhood.

I am an only child, and my father was often away Monday-Friday, while my uBPD mother was effectively a single parent and also a SAHM/freelancer working from home. I always felt the guilt of my father's absence, and my mother's resentment about doing everything "on my own" (if I ever say that phrase, I hear her voice in my intonation). Dad always told me to "look after her" and would ask anxiously if she was okay whenever we spoke on the phone. My mum has made a great deal out of us being "so close" and "best friends" and "psychically connected". I felt like I had to be my mum's housemate, spouse, confidante and consort as well as her child. I always felt guilty that I had to be at school during the days. Often my mum would get angry with me in the morning, then forbid me to discuss the fight with my friends (it was like fight club, seriously).

God, I'm so angry about so many things. How she'd get angry with me, smack me, and then tell me how angry my dad would be if I told him she'd smack me. Angry with ME, of course.

[Naughty Nibbler]

anyplacesafe

     

My therapist reckons cognitive/CBT approaches don't work, but I am definitely going to try steering the session this week. I have also started to approach other therapists because I need a very targeted approach to this area.

My therapist says she prefers  Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT).  The Book, The Happiness Trap is based on ACT Therapy.

I haven't gotten caught up in labels about types of therapy.  Like you, I just realized I needed to do something more than just talk, so I just dove in.  Best wishes with "steering the ship".  I tend to think that the desire to steer the ship may indicate that we have made some progress in the therapy setting.

I don't think that we can match up with any/all therapists.  If you try steering your sessions a bit, and it doesn't work out, might be time to try another therapist.

 

It's so difficult. I was reading about enmeshment today and it is precisely, precisely my situation. Setting boundaries is going to be hell, though. Absolute hell.

Best wishes with boundaries.  Just take it one boundary at a time.  Perhaps it could help to discuss your first target boundary in your next therapy session.  Perhaps be ready to discuss specific situations and draft out some boundary ideas on your own.  Then, ask your therapist to help fine tune them.  Maybe go through a couple of pretend conversations, with your therapist taking on the role of your mother.

[anyplacesafe]

Thanks for everyone's replies thus far. I am definitely struggling to keep away from contact - however, I am not going to ring her again until the weekend, and it's up to her if she wants to get in touch with me before then. My mum says she is "sick of me being angry with her". Also that she is not angry, only sad. Then that she is angry. That I have broken her heart. I am going to try so hard over the next few days not to be in touch. That's a boundary.