What does this message mean?

[Confused108]

Hey guys. I just have a question. This has been something I'm confused about. I bring it here bc we all have been embolden with BPDs in our life and maybe you can tell me what you think about this Mia signal FB message that my ex BPD sent my ex wife. Now a few things are wrong in this message like her saying I called her when I didn't and saying I was constantly sending her emails when I only sent her 3 with articles about getting checked with BPD. What I'm wondering about is what she said to my ex about us being married and if that's the case I should back off from her ? That's the part that got me confused. What does that mean? I can't talk to you if I'm still married? I told her already I was getting divorced. Well anyway here is the message. I have taken out the names . My ex BPD mind you sent this message to my now ex wife on my ex BPDs Birthday no less. And to add to it she changed her profile pic from a heavy pic of her self to a sexy one that was from a few years ago.  Here is her message. Thanks for any input.



Hi (ex wife's name)I am very sorry to bother u but i need to tell u Confused108 keeps sending me messages. They have emailed me again and again. In one of their emails they are asking me to come to NY so they can help me "get better". Cinfused108 has convinced themself i have some sort of BPD. I don't know why they are so obsessed with me but if confused108 is married to u and u guys are together i think Confused108 should back off from me. If u don't believe me i can forward u their email messages. Confused also tried calling me late one night and hung up. Please tell ur spouse they need to stay out of my life and focus on their own and urs together. Thank u (ex wife's name)

[SoMadSoSad]

Hey guys. I just have a question. This has been something I'm confused about. I bring it here bc we all have been embolden with BPDs in our life and maybe you can tell me what you think about this Mia signal FB message that my ex BPD sent my ex wife. Now a few things are wrong in this message like her saying I called her when I didn't and saying I was constantly sending her emails when I only sent her 3 with articles about getting checked with BPD. What I'm wondering about is what she said to my ex about us being married and if that's the case I should back off from her ? That's the part that got me confused. What does that mean? I can't talk to you if I'm still married? I told her already I was getting divorced. Well anyway here is the message. I have taken out the names . My ex BPD mind you sent this message to my now ex wife on my ex BPDs Birthday no less. And to add to it she changed her profile pic from a heavy pic of her self to a sexy one that was from a few years ago.  Here is her message. Thanks for any input.



Hi (ex wife's name)I am very sorry to bother u but i need to tell u Confused108 keeps sending me messages. They have emailed me again and again. In one of their emails they are asking me to come to NY so they can help me "get better". Cinfused108 has convinced themself i have some sort of BPD. I don't know why they are so obsessed with me but if confused108 is married to u and u guys are together i think Confused108 should back off from me. If u don't believe me i can forward u their email messages. Confused also tried calling me late one night and hung up. Please tell ur spouse they need to stay out of my life and focus on their own and urs together. Thank u (ex wife's name)

What do you think it means other than the obvious?

[Confused108]

Well that's just it. My ex always have mixed messages. She would say one thing and then totally contradict what she just said. I mean I thought she meant that if I was not married I can help her. But if that's what she meant I told her I was already getting divirced. And then if that was the case she totally contradicts what she just said and said I should stay out of her life.

[once removed]

i do not read this:

I thought she meant that if I was not married I can help her.

i read this:

said I should stay out of her life.

that would not be a surprising response to being sent articles by someone telling you that you are mentally ill.

[Confused108]

She knows she is mentally ill. She just picks and chooses when she is. And as a once former friend of hers I thought she should know. And asking my ex wife if we are still married is another thing. What I can't talk to her if I was still married.

[once removed]

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

[Lifewriter16]

To me, it reads that your BPDxgf is asking your ex-wife to keep you away from her and get you to mind your own business if you and your wife are still an item.

Perhaps she is seeking clarification from your wife that you two are no longer together, only in a roundabout way. Perhaps she is annoyed that you are pointing out her BPD tendencies to her. It can feel judgemental. My BPDxbf gets really upset when I focus upon his BPD. He feels treated like a disorder rather than a person. I've always been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but he doesn't see that. He may have a point.

LW x

[Confused108]

My ex is a manipulator . I don't know if it's her or the disorder . But let's face it I don't believe in sweaping problems under the rug. If your a drug addict that's what you are Get help.If. Your a Alcholcic that's what you are Get Help. Same thing as being mentally ill. If more people were told straight up that's what they are maybe more people would be in therapy for it instead  of sweaping it under the rug!

[Confused108]

And LF I get what your saying but let's say this they come into your life reak all types of havoc and play with your minds. Destroy all kinds of happiness or whatever they have with you and others and God forbid they be accountable for their Bull $hit? Yea I think not. Pointing fingers is where it has to go. You made your bed now lie in it and get help period.

[once removed]

typically, a person has to come to these conclusions on their own, and seek help for themselves. this is a time proven, and research proven concept. if what you suggest worked, professionals would recommend it, and use it, as opposed to actively discouraging it. furthermore, we are not professionals, and not in any position to diagnose our exes. what you are suggesting, to me, misunderstands the very nature of mental illness.

ask yourself how you would feel if your ex was sending you articles telling you that you are mentally ill. would that be well received?

Pointing fingers is where it has to go. You made your bed now lie in it and get help period.

detaching is where it has to go, when a relationship ends - we are the only ones we are in control of.

[Confused108]

I am very well aware of mental illness. I've even studied it. Sending a person you care about to get help is not a crime. And if you don't do it no one else will. And yes the first road to recovery is admitting you have a problem.  she knows she has a problem . She knows she is sick. She even told me herself. She meets all criteria for BPD. The only thing she hasn't done is get a speacalist to say it. It's amazes me how some people here love to shove down other members throats certain things and think they themselves are speacalist and then with Diffrent members it's a toatally Diffrent story. I know what my ex is. And it is sad but I'm done with this forum. Too much negative energy here by members who I think need therapy themselves. I'm off.

[once removed]

since you are very well aware of mental illness then you know the very powerful roles that shame and denial play; these are major obstacles in admitting you have a problem, and very powerful defense mechanisms, and a long standing perspective that everyone else is the problem are part of those obstacles.

i am familiar with your position. i had major urges to tell my ex and her parents and even her new boyfriend my discoveries. the fact that that would backfire weighed on me, and i also realized she was no longer my problem. at some point down the road it became clear to me what my motives behind those urges were. anyone can see that you were hurt by this relationship, and we understand. your urges, and having acted on them are not uncommon.

they are however, as you said, pointing fingers, and they are not turning the mirror on yourself - the only person you are in control of. doing so is no easy task, i know. our perspectives and world view are very ingrained in us as well. in light of that, can you see why she might have been resistant to your efforts?

[sweet tooth]

Confused, was this s last ditch effort for you to regain/fix/control the relationship? I know you were very hurt by your ex. The fact that you sent her articles about BPD shows to me that on some level you care about her. I think most of us still care about our former SO. I understand completely where you are coming from, believe me.

Sending her information on BPD, in my opinion, was neither "right" nor "wrong." It was a judgement call on your behalf in order to inform somebody you care for about a disturbance you think they might have. It's almost like an intervention of sorts.

However, Once Removed is correct that we can only change ourselves. Our actions have consequences and we can't control how people react. My ex has a thyroid issue. After she blew up, I gave her space for two weeks. I told her I researched her thyroid issue in order to better understand what she goes through. Then she told me not to contact her again. That was not the response I was looking for. I was hoping she'd say, "Thank you, ST. That's a good idea and I know you care about me." But that's it what happened and I have to deal with it.

As for your ex's response, she's probably trying to regain control. She's probably in denial about her mental health issues and felt slighted. Messaging your ex wife about it rather than you was inappropriate, in my opinion. She needn't be involved.

Did this happen recently? I remember you saying that you're split black and don't think it will ever swing back to white. Did this happen after she split you black? Once you're split she'd be pushing you away as it is.