Ex showed at my door after 6 months NC~

[Heartbroken_guy]

After 6 months of NC she showed up at my door with an excuse that she heard that i was moving and she was upset that i didn't mean anything to her if i left without saying goodbye. obviously i am not going anywhere. stupid as i was i allowed her inside my apartment, and considering that this was the wors 6 months of my life and the stuff that i went thru i thought that it might give me some closure. we always had chemistry and we did end up sleeping together, she even spend the night. not knowing what i was doing at the moment and having a moment of weakness i didn't know how to feel the morning after. my house was a frinkin mess since i havent care much and she had known me as a clean freak. i mean can you blame a guy that locked himself inside for 5 months.

The next day in the evening she called me and after a while her friend called her somehow she put me on a three way without realizing it. of course curiosity killed the cat so i stayed quiet and listen. Boy oh boy what i heard. apparently her girlfriend had swinged by my house and saw her car so i heard more than i could handle. She was all day with on sunday with this guy and she spend the night on monday with me. she denied to her friends that she stayed over and slept with me but she came over to make sure that i didn't leave without saying goodbye. She was satisfied of my misery and she said the the apartment was a slum because she was the one cleaning it up  . when i was the one doing everything including her laundry because the princess doesn't know how to do it at the age of 30. i don't want to throw stones at her but it was a lie. She spoke about how she didn't give a cr@p about me and it was a mistake that she even stopped by. ( another lie) while the next day she kept texting and calling me like the 6 months didn't even happen. She was on the phone with me for two hour when her friend called her and i got thrown in the 3 way call.

When i asked her if she was seeing anyone that evening we slept together; she looked at me in the eyes and said no. yet another lie. So finding out that she was with another man and she was seeing another one on tuesday that hurt me. when i confronted her and told her what happened and that i heard the whole conversation she of course didn't take any responsibility for her actions but she brought some stuff from the past in order to avoid the cr@p that i caught her on today. She also denied all those things she said and kept on justifying the other sh*t that she talked about me. i felt so sad and felt so bad for her. She will never be happy and she will end up in really sh*tty situation. I know i shouldn't care but i do. I tried to talk some sense into her and that she has to stop hurting men and that it wasn't right to do this to me when she knows that i am in love with her and also not fair to the guy that she's seeing but of course i hit a dead end. she started to play the victim when i was trying to bring her up and tell her that she has so much good in her but she needs to change her ways and grow up. i tried to convince her that this insecurity and this need for approval comes from her childhood and her parents that i know and as i have researched a lot about this type of personalities and  spend a ton of money on therapy, that i wanted to share this knowledge with her so she can be happy and stellar in her life but yet she was putting herself down and playing the victim so she wouldn't hold herself responsible for her actions.

I guess she did help me in a way by hurting me again. There was a moment of me questioning my insanity but now i see the silver lining, no one can change unless they want too. i was trying to tell her and explain that her actions have consequences and i would never do anything like to hurt her so why she would take that as a criticism when i was trying to tell that my feeling were hurt. Anything i said she would turn it into the victim and i got a pity sorry with "you need to stay away from because i am hurting you"

I guess i am writing this for those men/women out there and think that they are going insane, you are not insane, what you felt and saw was real and your brain will play tricks on you by remembering all the good stuff, it was a projection. This people are like those reptiles that will change colors to adapt but eventually the real color comes back. Again there is a reason that you are not together and as soon as you go back you will realize what you saw was there and all the stuff that you were afraid would happen and hurt you, they will happen and you will get hurt again. but i really hope you don't make this mistake i made even though in my case it might have helped. You are stronger and you have learned something from this so you will be able to pick this things up and recognize the signs. each day will make you stronger and yes of course you will be having more bad days than good but time will heal you. Keep up the good fight and learn from this forum because it is a great one, people share their stories here and they give good advice based on the experiences.

like i said i am hurt yet again but i think i will be able to move on now.

I got to be strong and not relapse again. if this happens to you stay strong and stay away.

[Lifewriter16]

   

Thank you for posting this to help everyone else when clearly this was such a painful thing for you. Coming to terms with detaching from someone with BPD, whilst still loving them, has been the most challenging thing in my life.

LW x

[gotbushels]

Hi Heartbroken_guy 

Thank you for posting what happened. I'm sorry to hear that things didn't go very well. I'm sorry to hear that things happened such that you are back in each others' lives in what doesn't look like a healthy way.

I got to be strong and not relapse again. if this happens to you stay strong and stay away.

You're right. We do need to find strength. Thank you:) As you pointed out, this is true by not concluding you're "insane" from observing your own thoughts. When we pay attention to our thoughts, we may find patterns that are healthy or unhealthy.

I hope you may find some rest.

[Larmoyant]

I’m so sorry Heartbroken. 

The cruelty and pain they inflict is beyond my understanding. Thank you for the reminder of what’s in store should I weaken.   

[Heartbroken_guy]

When we pay attention to our thoughts, we may find patterns that are healthy or unhealthy.[/quote]
my therapist use to say i am too much in my head ,I thought the same as you did. it helps me find a better path... .

[RighteousAnger]

Thanks for the post Heartbroken. I hope I can take heed from your story as I am only at 3 weeks and 2 days (but who's counting... .) of NC with my ex uBPD gf. I initiated the NC for my own health as we were recycling a lot the past year (we had been together for 2 years). Towards the end she got extremely reckless in her behavior with substance abuse (mostly alcohol) and driving under the influence... .and naturally I was always at the receiving end of her rage while drunk (worse than her sober rages).

Your story about the 3-way call brought a huge lump to my throat. My ex would do that to me all the time, but not 3-way. She would just call me while out at the bar to mess with my head... .she'd always do it while guys were talking to her and flirting with her and then she'd callously get on the phone and act like I had just called her and interrupted her fun... .or she'd express to me how she is so horny and really needs to get laid. She was intentional with these calls and knew what she was doing because she knew it to be one of my triggers to where I'd want her back (jealousy can be a b___ even with us Non BPs... .especially when you really do love them). She'd even ask me sometimes if she should hookup with said guy... ."You don't care. You don't care about me so what does it matter? He's so hot. I bet he has a big D."  I'd be frozen.  So this  made me wonder how likely it was that your ex really "accidentally" put you on the 3-way phone call? But who knows... .really only they do and we can just sit her and hypothesize until we are blue in the face.

I've caught her in out right  lies many times and she always reacted exactly as you described your ex... .never taking any responsibility.  Either it was my fault she had to lie to me and I should apologize for making her have to lie to me or she denied she was lying and I was just being stupid (sometimes involved her changing facts) or she would redirect to being mad about something in the past or something completely off subject and there would be no way for me to pull her back to the topic at hand like the damn books say to ("... .don't let them hijack the conversation to something unrelated... ."yeah right! Easy to do when she doesn't just literally make "meh meh meh meh meeeeh meh" sounds over me while I'm trying to talk).

She has threatened to slit my throat when she accused me of flirting with women (definitely not flirting... .I used to be a big flirt and I shut that all down for her early on... .I even got to the point where I was afraid to make eye contact with any other woman), has threatened to kill me several other times, has wished me dead more times than I can count, threatened to hook up with other men many times (and did once to my knowledge although I wouldn't be surprised to learn there were more), endless name calling of me, and then tells me I'm so sensitive and have too thin of skin for getting upset over these things she says/does and I really just  need to learn to get over it and be a "man". Yet despite all that stuff she would flip... .and suddenly I'd be painted white again. I'd be the funniest, smartest, nicest, best lover, and most handsome man on the planet... .she was "my number one fan"... .and I'd be on the hook again. Good ol' intermittent rewarding... .mmmm.

I feel like I have seen the end for a long time, but have not been able to get there.

My fear is that my ex will pull what yours did... .just show up at my door step at some point in the future. This is actually our first break where she hasn't. Typically she shows up at my door drunk at about the 5 to 10 day mark of NC. So, my OCD mind is wondering if she has a new guy and that's why she hasn't shown up? The sad thing is she is making it easy for me and yet strangely it is kicking up my jealous curiosity making it actually more difficult. I was prepared to not open the door when I thought she'd show up... .to not let her in and tell her to go away and if she didn't I had the number of the local Sheriff Department (rather than calling 911 since it wouldn't really be an emergency) and would tell her I'd call them if she wouldn't leave.

ON THE OTHER HAND... .I wasn't prepared for her to actually accept my NC request and it has me riving with curiosity as to how she is suddenly able to abide by my NC (pretty much I assume she is effing some other guy). And now that she isn't behaving like I expected I'm slightly afraid that when she does show up to my door... .I'll let her in, full well knowing the abuse I will ultimately receive. She is a master at projection, redirection, and manipulation... .and I have had (probably still do, but they have gotten better) weak boundaries which I know now to be very no bueno with pwBPD.