The more I detach, the more I want her-why?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am in the process of detaching, we ended in April. I have more details regarding my process in my recent post "My ex gave me closure." I am focusing on me and much less on my ex or my replacement. The deeper I get in this process the more I continue to find out about myself. I am processing and trying to understand why I was attracted to her and why I stayed thru all the recycles and abuse. The answers that I'm finding are very painful but life changing.

My question is, the further I get thru this, again focusing on myself, the stronger the loss I feel and the more I seem to want her. I can't wrap my head around this... .Has anyone else experienced this? Any insights on reasons/areas I can focus on?

[Wantingtochange]

I am in the process of detaching, we ended in April. I have more details regarding my process in my recent post "My ex gave me closure." I am focusing on me and much less on my ex or my replacement. The deeper I get in this process the more I continue to find out about myself. I am processing and trying to understand why I was attracted to her and why I stayed thru all the recycles and abuse. The answers that I'm finding are very painful but life changing.

My question is, the further I get thru this, again focusing on myself, the stronger the loss I feel and the more I seem to want her. I can't wrap my head around this... .Has anyone else experienced this? Any insights on reasons/areas I can focus on?

[jhkbuzz]

I am in the process of detaching, we ended in April. I have more details regarding my process in my recent post "My ex gave me closure." I am focusing on me and much less on my ex or my replacement. The deeper I get in this process the more I continue to find out about myself. I am processing and trying to understand why I was attracted to her and why I stayed thru all the recycles and abuse. The answers that I'm finding are very painful but life changing.

My question is, the further I get thru this, again focusing on myself, the stronger the loss I feel and the more I seem to want her. I can't wrap my head around this... .Has anyone else experienced this? Any insights on reasons/areas I can focus on?

What exactly do you mean, "the more I seem to want her"? In what way? Be specific... .it may be enlightening for you.

[vortex of confusion]

Is it her that you want or is there something in the relationship that you miss? It helps to think about whether or not it is her specifically or if there is some aspect of the relationship that was meeting a need for you.

Is it possible that the desire for her is to test and see if all of this is real? I don't think that I am saying that correctly. I don't know how many times I did the same things over with stbx and hoped for a different outcome. There were so many times that I gave him another chance thinking that maybe this time would be different. It was almost like I was testing reality because I was having a difficult time wrapping my mind around the cold hard reality of the situation. Could there be some of that going on for you?

[schwing]

Hi Wantingtochange,

My question is, the further I get thru this, again focusing on myself, the stronger the loss I feel and the more I seem to want her. I can't wrap my head around this... .Has anyone else experienced this? Any insights on reasons/areas I can focus on?

Maybe she represents something that you aren't quite ready to give up on?  Not her per say but whatever idea or belief that brought her in your life in the first place (e.g., true love, soul mate, you do not deserve love... .et al).

... .The deeper I get in this process the more I continue to find out about myself.

Maybe as you "continue to find out" more about yourself, eventually you might have to give up on this possible idea she represents.  And part of you isn't quite ready to give up on that idea... .and so a part of you continues to long for her [and that ideal].  That qualifies as a possible source for cognitive dissonance.

I am processing and trying to understand why I was attracted to her and why I stayed thru all the recycles and abuse. The answers that I'm finding are very painful but life changing.

Whatever it was that you were attracted to, it was a strong enough reason to compel you to stay thru all the recycles and abuse.  It must be a strong motivation.

You'll need to keep digging.  But the more pain that digging reveals, the more you need to heal first before you can dig deeper.  If you overwhelm yourself with too much pain, you might just give yourself enough reason to retreat and go back to what you know... .rather than go forward to find out whatever it is you don't consciously know (yet).

Best wishes,

Schwing

[atomic popsicles]

This is silly. But due to the stbx, I learned about withdrawing from drugs. With some drugs, for instance, you can read that pretty consistently day 30 or 45 is tough. While that's an example, if these people are drug like, maybe it's just part of a predictable process. If you think about it that way, maybe it's easier.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Wantingtochange,

I think it may be that as you dig deeper into your issues and uncomfortable, painful feelings come up, you instinctively want to return to someone/something that you know, as schwing mentioned. As a way to soothe the pain that is coming up, ore just make you feel a bit more secure. In times of stress, it's human nature to go toward what we know instead of something new and unfamiliar. Your ex was the most recent person with a very significant emotional connection to you, and it hasn't been that long.

Also, as I learned about my patterns in relationships and grew from that, I has thoughts about a "do over" with pwBPD, thinking that with that newfound knowledge, I could perhaps engineer a different outcome. I'm really glad my T quashed that idea in one of my sessions. 

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[steelwork]

Could it be that, as you focus more on yourself, you have feelings of regret about how you handled things in the relationship? I know that happened to me. As you take on more responsibility, your s/o becomes less an object of blame... .the protective layer of negativity you put on her falls away, and what's underneath looks more like the person you loved.

I think there might be an overcorrection. A bit of swinging back and forth. She was the love of my life! She was my tormenter! and points in-between. Eventually the pendulum will settle somewhere in the middle, and you'll be left with a deeply flawed relationship with a person whose wonderful qualities weren't enough to make up for their BPD traits.

[Leonis]

It's a tough spot to be in.

Remember, you are focusing on yourself for YOU, not for her. You deserve so much better and it's a work in progress for you to see that you indeed can do better than your ex. Not trying to put her down, but she obviously didn't give you the relationship you wanted.

[Meili]

I think that you've gotten some good advice as far as things to look at in regards to your dilemma.

I find myself in the exact situation that you describe; even the time frame since the break-up. What I've noticed is that when I separate her from my needs that she fulfilled, I get different responses to my internal questions. The problem for me is that I don't know what was really her and what was her fulfilling my needs. But, I can clearly see the parts that were not her and that fulfilled my needs.

My T recently had me read "The Knight in Rusty Armor" by Robert Fisher. It's a silly book, but it was very enlightening for me. In the book, Fisher talks about (among many other things) loving someone vs. that person fulfilling a need and how we can confuse the two. The idea is that until we fulfill our own needs and thus are able to love ourselves, we are never truly able to love anyone else because we are constantly searching to have our needs met.