How could a mother hurt her children like this?

[maleficent]

My mother has BPD although currently she's been "cured" and says that the doctor made a mistake and misdiagnosed her. However, her actions and behaviors scream otherwise. I won't go into the whole story perhaps another day but what it comes down to is that about 8 months ago the state removed my younger brother and sister from the home. My mom was, as usual, making herself the center of attention. She's always been a victim. First it was her dad, then it was her uncle, then it was her grandmother, then eventually it was my dad, and my step-dad. The cycle never ends for her. Anyway she showed up to my sister's school and she appeared under the influence. Now my mother does not drink but she does take medications. Granted they are prescribed to her but I believe she abuses them and takes them when she shouldn't. I witnessed her being out of it, she would slur her words and act like she was about to faint when she stood up and such. She has always done things to get attention and sympathy from others. When I was living at home she went through a period of faking seizures. Okay sorry I'm getting off topic. Well my younger brother and sister are under my older sister's guardianship. Now my sister has been good with my mother allowing her more visitation than the state says for minimum. My mother has been causing issues in my sister's marriage... .basically they are on the verge of divorcing as a result of my mother's antics. My mother likes to talk inappropriately about things in front of my younger brother and sister. She goes to my sister's and then the kids' clothes are missing or other important items they need. Well this past weekend "someone" called child services on my sister and her wife and reported them for neglect. This is the second time it has happened. I have no doubt that it is my mother trying to stir the pot because she is upset that she doesn't have control over my younger sister and brother. My older sister told my mother that she couldn't come for visits for a while because of the problems my mom was causing and how she was upsetting my brother and sister. She was not happy about this. I am sure my mother called and reported my sister because she thinks the kids will go to a home where my mom can go visit whenever she wants to. She doesn't seem to understand or comprehend that that will not be the case. I just don't know how to handle her anymore. I'm so frustrated with her vindictive and manipulative ways. She has no conscience and everything she does is for her own benefit. She doesn't care who she hurts in the process. My older sister found proof that my mom was the one who called child services. I didn't tell my mother this but when I met with her and talked to her about it she lied without missing a beat, blinking and eye. She's so good at lying. You can catch her in the act but still doubt she did it when she tells you she's innocent.

[Kwamina]

Hi maleficent

It's very unfortunate that your mother now says she doesn't have BPD and was misdiagnosed. How long ago did she get her BPD diagnosis and what led up to this? Has she perhaps ever gotten any kind of treatment for her BPD?

Your younger brother and sister are now living with your older sister. Do you still live with your mother?

Is is very sad that your mother has caused these problems in your sister's marriage. Do you feel like your sister is comfortable setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with your mother?

Dealing with a BPD parent can be very challenging. I am glad you are reaching out for support here and also encourage you to read the resources on this site. The material here can help you find new ways of dealing with your mother.

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

[maleficent]

My mother was diagnosed with BPD a long time ago... .I am not positive as to when but I know it has been at least 15+ years. She has had an eating disorder for about 40 years now. I think in the beginning doctors were not really familiar with her disorders so they didn't really treat her for BPD until she got older. Really they weren't too familiar with eating disorders, doctors were just learning about them when my mother was diagnosed. I am not living with her she now lives alone. My mother has received treatment since she was 15. She has been in clinics to treat her eating disorder and then she has done out treatment counseling for her BPD and eating disorder for about 25 years. My sister and I both have issues with creating boundaries for our mother. Partly because we feel guilty and bad about it. I guess the best way to describe it is that we feel like we are bad daughters if we do set boundaries. She makes us feel like we are bad people and that we do not love her. We have always tried to take care of my mother but frankly I am getting exhausted. I am about to start a family of my own and I just don't want that sort of negativity in my life. She is never happy and she always finds ways to be the victim. I just feel so alone sometimes. None of my friends or other relatives truly understand what it was like growing up with her. My mom is not a bad person and I love her but sometimes she just makes our lives a living hell.

[Kwamina]

My sister and I both have issues with creating boundaries for our mother. Partly because we feel guilty and bad about it. I guess the best way to describe it is that we feel like we are bad daughters if we do set boundaries. She makes us feel like we are bad people and that we do not love her. We have always tried to take care of my mother but frankly I am getting exhausted. I am about to start a family of my own and I just don't want that sort of negativity in my life. She is never happy and she always finds ways to be the victim. I just feel so alone sometimes. None of my friends or other relatives truly understand what it was like growing up with her. My mom is not a bad person and I love her but sometimes she just makes our lives a living hell.

I am sorry your mom makes you feel this way. Dealing with a BPD parent can indeed be very exhausting, I have experienced that too with my own undiagnosed BPD mother. Our parents have a disorder and they did not choose to be this way, yet that does not change the fact that their behavior can seriously impact us. Are you familiar with the concept of FOG? Here's some information about it:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Do you feel this applies to the relationship you have with your mom?

You can read more here: Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

Boundaries are very important as they help us protect ourselves and preserve our own well-being. We have some material here that might help you as you set and enforce/defend boundaries with your mother:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Examples of boundaries