Not sure how to proceed with BPD mother

[slanie]

When I was a child, in the 80s, my mother was diagnosed BPD. I only heard her say it once, but I never knew what it meant, so I just blocked it out. I knew she was depressed, and that she regularly attempted suicide. Her suicide attempts always seemed to center around something I did or someone else did to hurt her. When I was five, she accused a family friend of molesting me and my brother. When I said it didn't happen, she told me I'd been too traumatized to remember.Shortly after, she attempted suicide because she'd "failed to protect her children." I felt guilty and responsible. As a result, I never confided in her, worried that anything bad happening to me might make her suicidal again.

Starting from a young age, she confided things in me that were not age-appropriate. She told me she'd been raped by her sister's father in law and the rest of the family didn't love her enough to keep him out of their life, so we had limited interaction with them and when we did, I was rude to them, thinking they were horrible uncaring people. She made it clear that my dad was a perverted sex addict. She told me my grandmother wanted her to abort me and resented me. That my grandparents hated her. That her parents were alcoholics and abusive. Then her therapist was a sick abuser who implanted false memories and made her cut out her family. Friends came and went, always proving to be hateful and uncaring to my mother. I also received long letters from my mom every few months, usually after I'd said or done something to hurt her without knowing. They always laid out how hurtful and cruel my behavior was and listed all the ways in which I was a "bad daughter". This continued into adulthood.

When I was in high school, I got pregnant and chose to have an abortion. My mother told the extended family what I'd done and then attempted suicide because I had "killed her grandchild". I was ostracized and blamed. My father disappeared for the whole month she was gone, and I was left with no money and no food and a car I wasn't allowed to drive. I ended up staying with my boyfriend's family. Shortly after my mom returned, my boyfriend broke up with me. I was devastated and cried and threw things at the wall. My mom took my doorknobs and shoelaces and told me I was going to experience life in a psych ward since I was so out of control emotionally.

For a few years after that, she dragged me to therapists to fix my emotional issues. She was told by several that I was a normal teenager. She kept searching until she found one who put me on medication. I was given meds to control bipolar, and lived in an emotional void for several years. My whole life I'd been told something was wrong with me, and I finally had the diagnosis. Except... .it wasn't true. I was never bipolar, and through therapy, I discovered that my reactions, while erratic, were not psychotic in any way.

After college, I moved out, and my mother guilted me for not visiting or calling enough. My aunt wrote me a harsh email telling me that I was hurting my mom by not calling very much. My mom would often send me money to help me out, without me asking, and then make me feel bad that I couldn't even be bothered to call her when she helped me so much. I attempted to visit her, but every time I went to her house, she would leave the room, go in her room and lock the door. For hours. Unannounced. When I called her, she never listened when I talked and would often get off the phone rather quickly with a "guess I'll let you go now", completely not recognizing the fact that I'd been in the middle of telling her something.

I got married, had a child and kept her pretty much at arms length for a while. Allowing her short visits with her grandson. The handful of occasions she has watched him for me, she has called and texted me constantly because he was crying, or upset or whatever, making me feel like I had to rush back and get him. Then she buys him these stupid gifts to make sure he knows she loves him. I, as well, have hundreds of little knickknacks that say "daughter" on them, as if to remind me all the time that that is what I am.

A couple of years ago, I became involved with a man who turned out to be a psychopath. He abused me, brainwashed me, controlled every move I made, and made me feel guilty, like everything I said and did was wrong and a disappointment. He nearly drove me to suicide because he convinced me I was out of my mind. I went to treatment for PTSD and Stockholm Syndrome, and this was the first time that the connection was made between this relationship and the abuse of my mother. I'd never been hit by her, so I had never before considered that she was abusive. I defended her, thinking she was just fragile and needed someone to protect her from hurtful things. I could barely stand to hear the therapist say I should limit contact with her. My only thoughts were that she'd kill herself if I ever removed her from my life. The last year has been sort of an awakening for me.

Anyway, last week she upset me. My son and I went to dinner with her and my dad. First she pouted because no one else would eat fast food from the mall food court. She threatened to eat there if we chose something she won't eat (mainly anything that is not traditional American food). We finally decided on a family restaurant. She spent the whole meal detailing her latest medical testing. She is always getting tested and eliciting sympathy for expensive tests and trips to the ER and there is nothing wrong with her at all. She is often offended that I don't get worried more often. Anyway, my son was trying to tell her about a camp her was in and show her a video and she couldn't even sit to watch it for three minutes. When he realized she wasn't paying attention to him, he pulled out my phone and texted her telling her he loved her. She hugged him and went back to her story. He eventually got antsy and started asking her questions and she just flat out ignored him. On the way back in the mall (as soon as dinner was over, she couldn't leave fast enough), she bought a little keychain for my son that I'd already told him he couldn't have.  I went home upset and sad for my little boy who just wants to have a relationship with his grandma. Maybe I hurt for the little girl I was too.

So, with that said, Facebook has become a thing that made her worse. Now that it exists, she uses it to air her grievances and hurt publicly, with these long speeches directed not to subtely to the offending party, and her family will feed it by telling her how well said her posts are.  She feels the need to comment on everything I post, often completely missing the point of what I say (I limit what I post to funny or ironic things that happen and never mean anything I say seriously). I've had to go through and delete some of her comments because I feel embarrassed for her and because it's a little embarrassing to me. Anyway, after the horrible tragedy in Orlando, I wrote a short piece about how sad it was and how I wished we could leave the politics out of it for one day to unite and grieve as a whole country. Immediately my mom commented on it with something that felt political to me, so I responded that she missed my point. She returned with a long speech I didn't even understand defending her words, so I simply deleted the entire comment thread.

A few minutes later, she and my aunt started having this conversation on her public wall about how rude and disrespectful I was and my mom said she was tired of being made to feel stupid, etc. etc. A little while later she posted a long public speech about moon landings and the 60s and war and respecting your elders and then concluded something about the president causing the attacks and how she wasn't going to apologize for loving her country... .I simply had had enough and unfriended her completely. It's been four days and I haven't heard from her. I expect I'll get a letter at some point.

I just don't know where to go from here. I'm tired emotionally and drained from trying to keep her happy and unoffended. I'm tired of getting rocks hurled at me every time I try to stand up for myself even a little bit. I'm scared to cut her out completely, but I just feel an overwhleming panic and dread at the thought of having a conversation with her about this. I don't know why. It's not even a big deal. But I just can't handle one more conversation about how she is a poor victim.

[schwing]

Hi Slanie,

When I was a child, in the 80s, my mother was diagnosed BPD. I only heard her say it once, but I never knew what it meant, so I just blocked it out. I knew she was depressed, and that she regularly attempted suicide. Her suicide attempts always seemed to center around something I did or someone else did to hurt her. When I was five, she accused a family friend of molesting me and my brother. When I said it didn't happen, she told me I'd been too traumatized to remember.Shortly after, she attempted suicide because she'd "failed to protect her children." I felt guilty and responsible. As a result, I never confided in her, worried that anything bad happening to me might make her suicidal again.

I'm the child of a disordered parent as well.  When you are raised by such a parent, as a child you learn to shut down your appropriate emotional responses.  The less emotion you show, the safer you tended to be/feel.  As adults we find ourselves very disconnected from our own feelings.  Also, if one grows up learning that mom is not trustworthy, who does one learn to trust?  How does one learn to trust?

Starting from a young age, she confided things in me that were not age-appropriate.

You might consider looking up "covert incest."  There are consequences when you treat young children like your adult peer.

She told me she'd been raped by her sister's father in law and the rest of the family didn't love her enough to keep him out of their life, so we had limited interaction with them and when we did, I was rude to them, thinking they were horrible uncaring people. She made it clear that my dad was a perverted sex addict. She told me my grandmother wanted her to abort me and resented me. That my grandparents hated her. That her parents were alcoholics and abusive. Then her therapist was a sick abuser who implanted false memories and made her cut out her family. Friends came and went, always proving to be hateful and uncaring to my mother. I also received long letters from my mom every few months, usually after I'd said or done something to hurt her without knowing. They always laid out how hurtful and cruel my behavior was and listed all the ways in which I was a "bad daughter". This continued into adulthood.

You've described a lot of "devaluing" of your mother's family members (yourself included).  As I see it, people with BPD (pwBPD) devalue other people as a coping mechanism for their own self-hatred.  It is literally like by focusing your attention on other people's flaws, you can continue to ignore your own.  Sometimes I think when pwBPD start to feel badly about themselves, they focus their attention on someone else so they can get a respite from their own self-criticism.

As a child of such a parent, this cost you your relationship with your relations.  You see, whenever you *agree* with a pwBPD on their devaluation of other people, they tend to reward you.  But if you *disagree* or even question, then they will usually punish you.  So any family member that shows a hint of good judgement will have been ostracized decades ago.  The only family members who are left are the ones who have found a role in this twisted manner of interaction (i.e., flying monkey).

When I was in high school, I got pregnant and chose to have an abortion. My mother told the extended family what I'd done and then attempted suicide because I had "killed her grandchild". I was ostracized and blamed. My father disappeared for the whole month she was gone, and I was left with no money and no food and a car I wasn't allowed to drive. I ended up staying with my boyfriend's family. Shortly after my mom returned, my boyfriend broke up with me. I was devastated and cried and threw things at the wall. My mom took my doorknobs and shoelaces and told me I was going to experience life in a psych ward since I was so out of control emotionally.

So during a very trying period of your life, you were abandoned and subjected to denigration and punishment?

For a few years after that, she dragged me to therapists to fix my emotional issues. She was told by several that I was a normal teenager. She kept searching until she found one who put me on medication. I was given meds to control bipolar, and lived in an emotional void for several years. My whole life I'd been told something was wrong with me, and I finally had the diagnosis. Except... .it wasn't true. I was never bipolar, and through therapy, I discovered that my reactions, while erratic, were not psychotic in any way.

I imagine that your mother got a pay-off by finally finding someone who would accept you as a patient (i.e., she could project all her mental disorders onto you).  Good thing that this experience helped you also.

After college, I moved out, and my mother guilted me for not visiting or calling enough. My aunt wrote me a harsh email telling me that I was hurting my mom by not calling very much. My mom would often send me money to help me out, without me asking, and then make me feel bad that I couldn't even be bothered to call her when she helped me so much. I attempted to visit her, but every time I went to her house, she would leave the room, go in her room and lock the door. For hours. Unannounced. When I called her, she never listened when I talked and would often get off the phone rather quickly with a "guess I'll let you go now", completely not recognizing the fact that I'd been in the middle of telling her something.

I hope you have learned not to respond to feelings of guilt.  This trained response can get us into quite a bit of trouble.  

As I see it, you knew better.  Why bother calling or visiting when someone treats you like that?  You don't bother.  Because if you do, you receive more denigration.

A couple of years ago, I became involved with a man who turned out to be a psychopath. He abused me, brainwashed me, controlled every move I made, and made me feel guilty, like everything I said and did was wrong and a disappointment. He nearly drove me to suicide because he convinced me I was out of my mind. I went to treatment for PTSD and Stockholm Syndrome, and this was the first time that the connection was made between this relationship and the abuse of my mother. I'd never been hit by her, so I had never before considered that she was abusive. I defended her, thinking she was just fragile and needed someone to protect her from hurtful things. I could barely stand to hear the therapist say I should limit contact with her. My only thoughts were that she'd kill herself if I ever removed her from my life. The last year has been sort of an awakening for me.

Anyway, last week she upset me. My son and I went to dinner with her and my dad. First she pouted because no one else would eat fast food from the mall food court. She threatened to eat there if we chose something she won't eat (mainly anything that is not traditional American food). We finally decided on a family restaurant. She spent the whole meal detailing her latest medical testing. She is always getting tested and eliciting sympathy for expensive tests and trips to the ER and there is nothing wrong with her at all. She is often offended that I don't get worried more often. Anyway, my son was trying to tell her about a camp her was in and show her a video and she couldn't even sit to watch it for three minutes. When he realized she wasn't paying attention to him, he pulled out my phone and texted her telling her he loved her. She hugged him and went back to her story. He eventually got antsy and started asking her questions and she just flat out ignored him. On the way back in the mall (as soon as dinner was over, she couldn't leave fast enough), she bought a little keychain for my son that I'd already told him he couldn't have.  I went home upset and sad for my little boy who just wants to have a relationship with his grandma. Maybe I hurt for the little girl I was too.

So, with that said, Facebook has become a thing that made her worse. Now that it exists, she uses it to air her grievances and hurt publicly, with these long speeches directed not to subtely to the offending party, and her family will feed it by telling her how well said her posts are.  She feels the need to comment on everything I post, often completely missing the point of what I say (I limit what I post to funny or ironic things that happen and never mean anything I say seriously). I've had to go through and delete some of her comments because I feel embarrassed for her and because it's a little embarrassing to me. Anyway, after the horrible tragedy in Orlando, I wrote a short piece about how sad it was and how I wished we could leave the politics out of it for one day to unite and grieve as a whole country. Immediately my mom commented on it with something that felt political to me, so I responded that she missed my point. She returned with a long speech I didn't even understand defending her words, so I simply deleted the entire comment thread.

You might consider making a completely different Facebook profile; keep one for the people you actually enjoy being with and another one for family.  :)on't bother reading the latter profile updates.

I just don't know where to go from here. I'm tired emotionally and drained from trying to keep her happy and unoffended.

Why do you continue?  What motivates you except your own mother's expectation that this is what you "should" be doing.  Has your mother ever behaved in a manner that would make you want to emulate her?  Rather I'm sure she doesn't do as she says... .she only expects you to do as she says.  Why?  You cannot ever hope to win this woman's love?  I don't suspect she is even capable of such.  You cannot squeeze water from a rock.

I'm tired of getting rocks hurled at me every time I try to stand up for myself even a little bit.

Don't put yourself in a position where you even need to stand up for yourself *against her*.  Get out of the line of fire.

I'm scared to cut her out completely, but I just feel an overwhleming panic and dread at the thought of having a conversation with her about this. I don't know why. It's not even a big deal. But I just can't handle one more conversation about how she is a poor victim.

Why? What would happen if you cut her out completely?  Then the relatives who don't treat you very well anyway will continue to do so?

If you decide that low contact (LC) is the best you can ever hope for, then I such using *formality* and *distance* as the best means to limit the pain this woman can further cause you.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY LANIE:  

Welcome to BPD Family!

You have found a safe friendly place where you can vent, gain support and do some learning along the way.

       

I simply had had enough and unfriended her completely. It's been four days and I haven't heard from her. I expect I'll get a letter at some point.

I've read so many posts centered around Facebook posts. You have to anticipate that she won't change and any opportunity for her to read or interact will cause you frustration and pain.  You can't change her, but you can change how you interact and react to her.  Your health and well being and that of your family should be your priority.

Medium Chill is a technique that some people use with a BPD relative that they want to keep distant:

CLICK HERE TO GO TO MEDIUM CHILL THREAD

 

I'd never been hit by her, so I had never before considered that she was abusive.

Some will say that emotional abuse can be my damaging than physical abuse.

I could barely stand to hear the therapist say I should limit contact with her. My only thoughts were that she'd kill herself if I ever removed her from my life.

       

I just don't know where to go from here. I'm tired emotionally and drained from trying to keep her happy and unoffended. I'm tired of getting rocks hurled at me every time I try to stand up for myself even a little bit. I'm scared to cut her out completely, but I just feel an overwhelming panic and dread at the thought of having a conversation with her about this. I don't know why. It's not even a big deal. But I just can't handle one more conversation about how she is a poor victim.

Are you in therapy at the current time?

Sometimes, we can get caught up with fear, obligation and guilt.  

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

There is a lot of good information on this Website that you should find helpful.  There are some links on the right hand side of the page.  You can, also, go to "The Learning Center" area on the board (find the main index page or use the navigation drop-down at the bottom of this page).  

Have you done any work with boundaries?

CLICK HERE FOR  AN ARTICLE ON BOUNDARIES

Come back and let us know how things are going.

[slanie]

Schwing,

Thank you for the detailed response. You have made a lot of good points and validated a lot of feelings I've had. I've felt selfish for wanting to keep my distance from my mom, but as you point out, I need to protect myself. Her idea of a relationship (she would love all of us to "live like the Waltons", don't fit with her reality. In reality, she can't stand to be in the same room and always makes a plan to escape. I live over an hour away from her, but when I go over in the afternoon, she never even invites me to stay for dinner. It never occurs to her to even try to turn a visit into something resembling a bonding experience.

She buys me useless things I don't want or need, and it's held against me every time I don't call or visit or try to question her. I'm trying so hard to unravel from it. A huge TV that I don't even use because it freezes all the time. A diamond necklace that says "daughter" on it. A check she gave me on Easter that bounced because she closed the account. When I asked her why she gave me a check for a closed account, she went off about how I didn't tell her I needed the money, and that I was being incredibly insensitive because she was trying to deal with the grief of her brother dying (he died six months prior to this incident, and I didn't even know she had a brother before this). Is this emotional blackmail? Proof she does all this stuff for me and I'm ungrateful?

I'm not really sure why I went into this tangent. I guess a lot has come to the surface lately in regards to her. I've been doing some reading, and I think I was supposed to be the Golden Child. I seemed to vascillate between Golden Child (when she was "well" enough to pay attention to me) and Lost Child (when I was ignored and neglected I spent a lot of time reading and living in a fantasy world with a big house and loving family). I was the straight A student, the perfect child, rarely ever got in trouble, always was home in time for curfew, etc. Now my brother, the Scapegoat, tries so hard to please her and get her attention, calling her every day, and she still acts annoyed and uninterested. She even threatened to report him to CPS because she didn't think he was acting in his children's best interest. But still, he is there, and I live further away and keep my distance. I guess that is the root of it. She acts as though every bit of her happiness is wrapped up in me. It feels like my brother could disappear, but I hold the key to her happiness. I'm the thing that keeps her alive. It's more responsibility than I want or need. But I've always felt that way. Like, somehow, I'm her only lifeline. Which is weird because she does nothing but put on a show about my accomplishments. She never actually participates in having a relationship.

I know I can't continue like this, and I appreciate your suggestions. I don't want to feel responsible for her happiness anymore. I want to be free. I think your suggestion of very low contact and formality are key. I think I will just keep her and her family members off my Facebook completely. I'm not losing contact with anyone I care about, except maybe my dad. But he has proven over and over again that he takes her side in all things. I just want to keep my son as far from her as I can. He doesn't need to be treated that way.

[slanie]

Thank you, Naughty Nibbler. Those were helpful links. I think I have used a version of Medium Chill without realizing it. With all of her "health" scares, I tend to not encourage her little drama, instead telling her to let me know if they find anything and dropping the discussion. Last week, she was going on about how her cholesterol was high at the same time she ordered bacon and eggs. I just listened passively and moved on. I have found myself sucked into her family dramas only to discover that she gave me false information each time.

At this time, I'm not in therapy. It's sort of ironic. I had to quit my job because my PTSD was interfering with my ability to work. So now I have no insurance and no income. I was working on FOO stuff with my therapist before I stopped seeing her, so I have done a little work on boundaries. She encouraged me to limit contact with my mother as much as possible. I will definitely do more reading on FOG as I feel that a lot of this is guilt manufactured by my mom my whole life.

She often tells me that when I was an infant, I would not let her hold me. I would scream until she put me down. She always says this in an accusatory way, like I have been letting her down since I was an infant. Maybe I have been distancing myself from her, at least partially, since I was born. It's weird to think I have always sensed my mother to be a danger to me, even as I relied on her to be my protector. Hmm.

Anyway, thanks again. I will continue to read and post as this is all opening my eyes to things I never considered.

[schwing]

... .I live over an hour away from her, but when I go over in the afternoon, she never even invites me to stay for dinner. It never occurs to her to even try to turn a visit into something resembling a bonding experience.

She's not looking for a bonding experience.  She's looking for proof of your loyalty and/or obedience.

She buys me useless things I don't want or need, and it's held against me every time I don't call or visit or try to question her... .

And in return for your loyalty and obedience, she offers what?  She doesn't even bother to find out what it is you care for -- or perhaps you've gotten smart enough to figure out that she cannot be trusted with this information.

But she is buying your love, or trying to do so.  And she is trying to buy it as cheaply as possible.

It's emotional blackmail if she manages to make you feel guilty having accepted her "gifts."  And I will guarantee you, if you were to not accept the "gifts" then she would find a way to punish you.  Because not accepting her "gifts" is the same as not accepting her "love" whatever that means to her.  I'm fairly certain "love" means very different things to both of you.

... .I seemed to vascillate between Golden Child (when she was "well" enough to pay attention to me) and Lost Child (when I was ignored and neglected I spent a lot of time reading and living in a fantasy world with a big house and loving family).

"Golden Child" or "Lost Child" or Scapegoat for that matter, are all undesirable roles because in none of these roles are you allowed to be yourself.  You are instead *required* to be who she *needs* you to be.  It's more about her emotional needs than anything else.

I was the straight A student, the perfect child, rarely ever got in trouble, always was home in time for curfew, etc. Now my brother, the Scapegoat, tries so hard to please her and get her attention, calling her every day, and she still acts annoyed and uninterested.  ... .She acts as though every bit of her happiness is wrapped up in me. It feels like my brother could disappear, but I hold the key to her happiness. I'm the thing that keeps her alive. It's more responsibility than I want or need. But I've always felt that way. Like, somehow, I'm her only lifeline. Which is weird because she does nothing but put on a show about my accomplishments... .

Do you honestly believe you hold the key to her happiness?  :)o you think she's sincerely been happy in her life?  When one is happy, that happiness is manifest and shared with one's loved ones.  You don't covet happiness like it is some rare, non-renewable resource.  

I know I can't continue like this, and I appreciate your suggestions. I don't want to feel responsible for her happiness anymore. I want to be free. I think your suggestion of very low contact and formality are key. I think I will just keep her and her family members off my Facebook completely. I'm not losing contact with anyone I care about, except maybe my dad. But he has proven over and over again that he takes her side in all things... .

Some of the new information you are getting here takes a long time to digest.  Think of it this way: you've had most of your life to "think" in the manner your mother requires you to think.  That's a lot of practice.  It will take a comparable amount of time to replace that kind of thinking with the kind of thinking you choose for yourself.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[slanie]

Well, I think I've really done it now. Not how I wanted it all to play out, but this week I have been trying really hard to keep my distance. After seeing her take to FB with my aunt and publicly slander me in a way that made sure I saw it, I had had enough. I deleted both of them. I tried to take a little while to cool down. I didn't want to say anything I would regret, so I took some time to think about what I might say or do. I thought maybe I'd just quietly transition to a more purposeful LC and practice medium chill or grey rock.

But she wasn't having it. I ignored several calls from her over a course of a few days. So she sent me a text. I didn't answer that text within an hour because I was busy at a birthday party (she flips out each time I fail to answer her texts in what she considers to be an appropriate time frame). Before the birthday party was over I had four texts from her. Asking me what I was so upset about, that I should not have made her "look stupid" on FB and should have messaged her privately. (How did I make her look stupid? All I said was that she misunderstood my point? Then I deleted the rest of her comments because I wasn't going to have a public debate with my mother on FB). I was still at the birthday party, so I didn't answer. I tried to think of what I could say that might buy me a little more time because I was not ready to have this conversation.

But she wasn't having it. I received another, much longer text, telling me that she went through this at my age, that she blamed her own mother for all of her mistakes and faults (the fact that her mother was physically abusive and highly critical was something my mom had no right to be angry about?) and refused to recognize her own actions and that she missed the chance to have a good relationship with her mom because she couldn't get over her childhood. She said that she knew she wasn't perfect, but that I shouldn't treat her badly because how would I feel if my son treated me the same way. That I needed to get over my childhood and recognize that she did her best, and I didn't need to keep twisting the knife in her heart. Then she got dramatic and said if I couldn't let go of the past, then her heart couldn't take any more of the pain I was causing it and to just write her off completely.

I wish I could say I was diplomatic in my response, but I was not. I felt like a dog being poked with a stick, and I just snapped. I told her that yes, I had plenty to be angry about her treatment of me as a child (even cited a few examples of neglect and abandonment), but that I HAD let them go. At what point did I even bring up my childhood? I never said a word! But I told her that I couldn't let her treat my son in the way she was treating him, that I was angry that she'd decided to publicly badmouth me like a teenaged cyber bully, and that she needed to grow up, take responsibility for her actions and her health and that I would delete any further communication. Then I blocked her.

Not how I wish it had gone down, but I feel strangely peaceful having said the things I'd kept pushing down for the last few years. Yesterday was especially hard because I wanted to call my dad and tell him Happy Fathers Day, but I didn't want it to be used as a way for him to try to bring up my mother. I took the cowards way out and sent a text message instead. I know things with families are never straightforward, so I have no idea if this is permanent, but I think it will be good to take a break from her guilt trips and neediness and focus on my son.

[schwing]

... .She said that she knew she wasn't perfect, but that I shouldn't treat her badly because how would I feel if my son treated me the same way.

You shouldn't treat her badly because it would be painful if your son treated you the same way?  That doesn't make any sense. 

Should I let someone pick pocket me because how I would feel if I were ever destitute and no one would give me their spare change?

... .That I needed to get over my childhood and recognize that she did her best, and I didn't need to keep twisting the knife in her heart. Then she got dramatic and said if I couldn't let go of the past, then her heart couldn't take any more of the pain I was causing it and to just write her off completely.

You might want to look up "extinction bursts" when it comes to setting boundaries with high conflict personalities.  Before you can establish LC (or NC), it might get worse before it gets better.

I wish I could say I was diplomatic in my response, but I was not. I felt like a dog being poked with a stick, and I just snapped. I told her that yes, I had plenty to be angry about her treatment of me as a child (even cited a few examples of neglect and abandonment), but that I HAD let them go. At what point did I even bring up my childhood? I never said a word! But I told her that I couldn't let her treat my son in the way she was treating him, that I was angry that she'd decided to publicly badmouth me like a teenaged cyber bully, and that she needed to grow up, take responsibility for her actions and her health and that I would delete any further communication. Then I blocked her.

You were angry because how she was treating you.  She was invalidating your feelings, yet again, and demanded you suppress your feelings for the sake of the obligation and guilt *she instills* in you.  I'm glad you stood up for yourself.