I hate her

[Nuitari]

There was a time when I could never imagine saying those words about my ex. But it seems that hate is all I have left to feel. She killed everything else. A couple more months will make an entire year sense we last talked, but she never really left my head. I'm still very messed up from everything she's done. I keep dwelling on all the terrible memories, and the more I do, the more my hate swells. I can't even think about the good memories anymore. When one pops into my head, I immediately force it out. It might diminish my anger otherwise, and I need to stay angry because that keeps the grief away. She's emailed me on a few occasions apologizing for all the pain she's caused me. She ended one email with... .

"I truly wish the best for you."

Instead of being grateful for these messages, they only intensify my anger. After all the pain she's caused me, she doesn't have the right to speak to me kindly. I really want to believe that all the sincerity that I think I saw in her wasn't real, that it was all a con. Things would be so much simpler that way. In that case I can freely hate her and never question my justification for it. Her behavior has been deplorable, and learning about BPD hasn't helped to depersonalize her actions for me. I've tried, but I simply can't help but take everything she's done very personally. She's treated me, and others, in ways that no human being should ever treat another, and I can't get past that.

The hate that I feel has helped me to detach. I no longer miss her. My desire to be with her is gone. I can't even stand the sight of her now, much less talk to her. So, the hate has been very helpful and empowering. And yet, my brain tells me that hate is never a healthy thing. But I'm clinging to it now like a life-preserver. Has anyone else experienced this? Is this a normal thing to go through?

[Herodias]

"I truly wish the best for you."

Mine said the same exact thing- such bull when they go out and do more damage after they say that! I feel like I hate mine too... .It is better than the alternative, but I keep hearing that you can't hate someone unless you love them... .It is indifference that makes it done and final. Apathy- that's where I want to be... .getting there at a turtles pace... .it takes time.  Someone called him a piece of crap, he really is... .maybe we should be looking at them that way.   They do say these things to put the knife in some more I think... .they know what they are doing. When you tell someone, "I hope you are doing well" in an email, it's like a generic comment just like the "truly wish you well" one. Blah, blah, blah... .all talk. Try and put your anger into doing something good for yourself. I know it's hard... .give it more time. It doesn't happen quickly.   

[vortex of confusion]

I think it is normal. At least I hope it is. I have been on the hate train for sure. That is part of what has kept me from going back. Until I get to that place of "meh, who cares", I have to hang on to the hate and the bad things. I am slowly getting to a place where I can talk about the good parts again without being tempted to fall for it again. All of the stuff I feel now is about ME and dealing with the hurt that HE caused through his crappy behavior.

I was encouraged to write out the angry and hateful stuff to get it out of my system. I don't think that the hate will turn into indifference until you let yourself deal with it and feel it. I can say that right now because I feel like I am doing pretty well at being more "meh" about it all. That may change tomorrow.

[Nuitari]

What really makes things hard is that I still have some codependency. I've also written out all of my angry thoughts, and the act of writing them has only intensified my anger. I've never been able to tell her how I feel in the blunt way that I need to because I don't want to hurt her. Any sort of criticism triggers intense shame for her, so its hard. I keep thinking about emailing my angry letter to her. I genuinely believe that this will help alleviate a lot of what I'm feeling. I need to make her aware of what she's done to me before I can move on from this. That's the conclusion I keep coming to over and over. There is always this compulsion to break NC with an angry letter getting it all off my chest. But so far I haven't been able to do that. I've always been very protective of her feelings and I can't seem to break that. Once, not long after the relationship ended, I did send her an email like that, and immediately sent her another one apologizing for it. Even with all the hate I feel, it is hard for me to say something hurtful to her, especially after those apology emails. What if she sincerely means what she says in them? I suspect I'll get there eventually. Why is it so hard for me to hurt someone I feel so much hate for? I don't understand that. Despite everything, I still feel a lingering sense of closeness with her that I can't seem to shake, and I hate that feeling.

[Herodias]

Anger letters don't do any good to send to them. They retaliate. Write it down to look at for your own reference. Reminders of why we are out!

[Nuitari]

But it is soo hard not to send it.

[Herodias]

I know/ it's called narcissistic injury. You set off a time bomb- remember the rage, but without the reason for them to turn around and be nice again because you are out of their life. Trust me/ you don't want to go there because your ego will be the one that gets hurt.

[Larmoyant]

Nuitari, "But it is soo hard not to send it". You're not alone. I feel like doing exactly the same thing right this minute.

[Turkish]

It could be that she really feels this,  while at the same time being unaware of the pain she caused you. 

You feel how you feel,  and it is what it is,  but holding onto anger (pain) too long isn't good.  Almost three years out and I still get flashes of it.  I'm at a point where I catch myself and say "stop" when I start feeling that way on occasion. The hard part is that she still likes me.  I hate that she does,  but my logical mind tells me that's best given I'm not likely at risk for false accusations or jail as some are here. 

I don't say this to minimize our feelings, but rather to encourage you to step back at some point and live your life in freedom.  It takes as long as it takes. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi Nuitari,

Anger is a legitimate and important step in the grieving process. Very normal and understandable. I suspect you can't write that hateful letter because regardless of how you feel this moment, doing that would conflict with your broader values. For me, I don't like myself when I act in a hurtful manner towards someone else, and it hurts me. Maybe you can relate?

That said, I think the anger that arises from wanting to protest the injustice and damaging behavior that you experienced is healthy. Especially when you are able to feel it sensorially.

Just a reminder: as you travel on the grieving train, make sure anger(hate) is just a stop and not a station. 

heartandwhole

[C.Stein]

"I truly wish the best for you."

Instead of being grateful for these messages, they only intensify my anger. After all the pain she's caused me, she doesn't have the right to speak to me kindly.

While I don't hate my ex I understand the anger here.  My ex also said the same thing and every time I think of it I feel anger.  You know, if you wished the best for me exGF you wouldn't have done the things that destroyed our relationship and me in the process.   That statement means nothing within the context it was made in.   It was a means to appease guilt and I highly doubt there was any true sincerity behind it, at least with respect to my ex.

Most of my anger was/is due to things she said near the end and after she threw me away.   The audacity she had in saying these things knowing what she was doing behind my back boggles my mind. 

I do still have lingering anger (obviously) but it has lessened quite a bit.  Eventually it will all just fade away.

[seenr]

Her behavior has been deplorable, and learning about BPD hasn't helped to depersonalize her actions for me. I've tried, but I simply can't help but take everything she's done very personally. She's treated me, and others, in ways that no human being should ever treat another, and I can't get past that.

I completely understand this & wish I could get to a point where I feel like I no longer want to be with my ex.

In one way I admire how you have created a system that has allowed you to move forward but wonder if it will eat you up later?

[SoMadSoSad]

"I truly wish the best for you."

Instead of being grateful for these messages, they only intensify my anger. After all the pain she's caused me, she doesn't have the right to speak to me kindly.

While I don't hate my ex I understand the anger here.  My ex also said the same thing and every time I think of it I feel anger.  You know, if you wished the best for me exGF you wouldn't have done the things that destroyed our relationship and me in the process.   That statement means nothing within the context it was made in.   It was a means to appease guilt and I highly doubt there was any true sincerity behind it, at least with respect to my ex.

Most of my anger was/is due to things she said near the end and after she threw me away.   The audacity she had in saying these things knowing what she was doing behind my back boggles my mind. 

I do still have lingering anger (obviously) but it has lessened quite a bit.  Eventually it will all just fade away.

The audacity of these people right? Geeeeee willikersss

[C.Stein]

In one way I admire how you have created a system that has allowed you to move forward but wonder if it will eat you up later?

That is the thing about hate, it doesn't allow you to move forward.  Hate - Love ... .two sides of the same coin.

[vortex of confusion]

Anger is a legitimate and important step in the grieving process. Very normal and understandable. I suspect you can't write that hateful letter because regardless of how you feel this moment, doing that would conflict with your broader values. For me, I don't like myself when I act in a hurtful manner towards someone else, and it hurts me. Maybe you can relate?

That said, I think the anger that arises from wanting to protest the injustice and damaging behavior that you experienced is healthy. Especially when you are able to feel it sensorially.

This is true for me as well. I have given in and sent a few angry letters to him. I felt so unbelievably guilty afterwards.

The weird thing is that he thanked me for doing it. If somebody had said the things to me that I had said to him, I would have fallen apart and felt completely horrible. It was like it didn't even phase him. And that just increased the anger in me and I felt even more unheard. I don't feel like anything good and lasting came of it. A friend suggested that I write that stuff out and send it to a friend rather than ex. If I send it to a friend, it puts it out there and shares it. I am going to feel much more heard if I share it with a trusted friend that knows me and knows that allowing myself to feel such strong emotions and say such mean things is completely out of character for me. It was a much safer way to put that stuff out there without making things worse for me.

[Visitor]

You will start to forgive, one day. In a short moment of clarity you will peer through a dark haze of fog and get a glimpse of her inner being. It's in this rare moment of forgiveness you will see the futility in hating. You will see the truth. What you thought was a relationship was nothing more than fantasy concocted in the mind of woman rocking backward and forwards in a padded cell.

[Nuitari]

It could be that she really feels this,  while at the same time being unaware of the pain she caused you.  

She knows on some level. But being such an emotionally immature person, she thinks saying "I'm sorry" is all that it takes to make everything ok. She can't wrap her mind around the idea that I might be in therapy for years because of her actions. I could take her apologies more seriously if they were reflected in her actions. But all she's ever offered up to me were the words "I'm sorry," and its insulting that she thinks that is all its supposed to take for me to get over everything.

I suspect you can't write that hateful letter because regardless of how you feel this moment, doing that would conflict with your broader values. For me, I don't like myself when I act in a hurtful manner towards someone else, and it hurts me. Maybe you can relate?

Perhaps. If my ex knew that I were on a message board saying that I hate her, she would be very hurt, and its hard for me to hurt her. And yet she would say the most hateful things to me and expect me to just get over it.

I think my reason for wanting to send the letter is a self-respect thing. Imagine that you're walking down the street, and someone approaches you and starts punching you as hard as they can, over and over, and you don't lift a finger to defend yourself. Not only do you not fight back, but you don't even tell them to stop it. Instead, like some kind of idiot, you keep a smile on your face the whole time that they're beating the crap out of you, and then they casually walk away leaving you a bloody heap lying in the street. How would that make you feel? I feel like this is what's been done to me. I used to have a good life before she came along. My involvement with her has cost me my job and my home. I still don't know if my career will ever recover from this. I'm currently living with relatives because I can't support myself. My whole life got demolished and I have to rebuild everything from the ground up. Even after all of this, I continued to be her doormat. I sat back and watched my whole life unravel and tried to pretend that none of it bothered me, and now I am seething inside as the reality of all of this destruction is finally hitting home. Whatever my reasons for hesitating to send her the letter, I suspect they're the same reasons why I was never able to reveal my anger to her when I should have. But how can I live with myself if I don't send it? I'm a human being, and I feel that I'm entitled to remind her of that. So for me, sending that letter is a way of taking my life back. I realize that this might lead to her lashing out at me and causing even further damage in my life. But part of me thinks that's a small price to pay for being able to look at myself in the mirror again.

[Iona]

Why is it so hard for me to hurt someone I feel so much hate for? I don't understand that. Despite everything, I still feel a lingering sense of closeness with her.

Because you have morals? Because you understand that it is wrong to hurt people? I think I understand some of your conflicting thoughts/feelings. I too, wonder about my response to my husband - recently separated. I sometimes feel hatred towards him and could try to make life 'difficult' for him but I have not done so. Mainly, I think, it is because I feel some pity for him too, with the recognition that if he does not seek therapy, then he will never reach his potential happiness in life and continue on his path of self-destructive behaviour. Also, as he has a nice side, it is difficult to see him as an outright 'bad' person - therefore difficult to hurt him. Also, like you said there still exists a "sense of closeness" which only time will help with. I, also, think that to deliberately hurt someone, you need to lack empathy - for me, I can imagine the hurt my ex might feel if I sent him a nasty letter regarding his behaviour. Although, in reality, he might not really feel pain/hurt, but that is me thinking about how I might feel - not how he will respond in reality. Also, I think sending such a letter just offers an opportunity for pain/hurt to continue and stops you healing. Hope this helps.

[FallBack!Monster]

Perhaps. If my ex knew that I were on a message board saying that I hate her, she would be very hurt, and its hard for me to hurt her. And yet she would say the most hateful things to me and expect me to just get over it.

I think my reason for wanting to send the letter is a self-respect thing. Imagine that you're walking down the street, and someone approaches you and starts punching you as hard as they can, over and over, and you don't lift a finger to defend yourself. Not only do you not fight back, but you don't even tell them to stop it. Instead, like some kind of idiot, you keep a smile on your face the whole time that they're beating the crap out of you, and then they casually walk away leaving you a bloody heap lying in the street. How would that make you feel? I feel like this is what's been done to me. I used to have a good life before she came along. My involvement with her has cost me my job and my home. I still don't know if my career will ever recover from this. I'm currently living with relatives because I can't support myself. My whole life got demolished and I have to rebuild everything from the ground up. Even after all of this, I continued to be her doormat. I sat back and watched my whole life unravel and tried to pretend that none of it bothered me, and now I am seething inside as the reality of all of this destruction is finally hitting home. Whatever my reasons for hesitating to send her the letter, I suspect they're the same reasons why I was never able to reveal my anger to her when I should have. But how can I live with myself if I don't send it? I'm a human being, and I feel that I'm entitled to remind her of that. So for me, sending that letter is a way of taking my life back. I realize that this might lead to her lashing out at me and causing even further damage in my life. But part of me thinks that's a small price to pay for being able to look at myself in the mirror again.

You can think, do, feel and say whatever it is that relieves your anger.  Take as much time as you need to be healthy.  This forum talks a lot about validating the pwBPD feelings but seem to reject other people feelings.  

However, they do retaliate in a devilish way and behind your back.  But you did say she has destroyed your life so what have you got to lose?

[FallBack!Monster]

Perhaps. If my ex knew that I were on a message board saying that I hate her, she would be very hurt, and its hard for me to hurt her. And yet she would say the most hateful things to me and expect me to just get over it.

I think my reason for wanting to send the letter is a self-respect thing. Imagine that you're walking down the street, and someone approaches you and starts punching you as hard as they can, over and over, and you don't lift a finger to defend yourself. Not only do you not fight back, but you don't even tell them to stop it. Instead, like some kind of idiot, you keep a smile on your face the whole time that they're beating the crap out of you, and then they casually walk away leaving you a bloody heap lying in the street. How would that make you feel? I feel like this is what's been done to me. I used to have a good life before she came along. My involvement with her has cost me my job and my home. I still don't know if my career will ever recover from this. I'm currently living with relatives because I can't support myself. My whole life got demolished and I have to rebuild everything from the ground up. Even after all of this, I continued to be her doormat. I sat back and watched my whole life unravel and tried to pretend that none of it bothered me, and now I am seething inside as the reality of all of this destruction is finally hitting home. Whatever my reasons for hesitating to send her the letter, I suspect they're the same reasons why I was never able to reveal my anger to her when I should have. But how can I live with myself if I don't send it? I'm a human being, and I feel that I'm entitled to remind her of that. So for me, sending that letter is a way of taking my life back. I realize that this might lead to her lashing out at me and causing even further damage in my life. But part of me thinks that's a small price to pay for being able to look at myself in the mirror again.

You can think, do, feel and say whatever it is that relieves your anger.  Take as much time as you need to be healthy.  This forum talks a lot about validating the pwBPD feelings but seem to reject other people feelings.  

However, they do retaliate in a devilish way and behind your back.  But you did say she has destroyed your life so what have you got to lose?

How he would feel in "reality"? Oh I get it now.  Because they are the sick ones and they can't control what they do, and we know better, we should shut down our feelings and cater to theirs. got it!

[Nuitari]

You will start to forgive, one day. In a short moment of clarity you will peer through a dark haze of fog and get a glimpse of her inner being. It's in this rare moment of forgiveness you will see the futility in hating. You will see the truth. What you thought was a relationship was nothing more than fantasy concocted in the mind of woman rocking backward and forwards in a padded cell.

I hope you're right. I continue to learn all I can about BPD in the hope that it will help depersonalize her actions for me. But so far this isn't happening. Here is a great example. My ex is very hypersexual. She's overly preoccupied with sex and needs it often. One of the hardest truths that I've had to accept is that all the sex we were having had nothing to do with me. It was only about the sex, and if her committed partner isn't available, someone else will do, even people who should be very off limits. When she wants sex, she'll use whoever she has access to. I am really sickened by some of the things I've learned. Now, I know that this behavior is most likely an aspect of her disorder. I've even seen her struggle with this problem first-hand. So I get that this is her disorder at work. Knowing that, I should take pity on her, right? Only a very disturbed person with very poor impulse control could behave in the manner that she has. So I what I should be feeling is sympathy and compassion, right? Instead all I can feel is disgust and hate.

[FallBack!Monster]

You will start to forgive, one day. In a short moment of clarity you will peer through a dark haze of fog and get a glimpse of her inner being. It's in this rare moment of forgiveness you will see the futility in hating. You will see the truth. What you thought was a relationship was nothing more than fantasy concocted in the mind of woman rocking backward and forwards in a padded cell.

The above statements explains it all.  Now I feel much better.  Nothing really happened. How comforting No more questions for myself.  No longer stuck at wth just happened to me and why did I let it... .No more of that.  I will just keep vising this forum wanting and waiting for others to stumble upon the quote that helped to open my eyes, so that they too can be relieved.  How lucky I feel right now that those words were put in my path.

[vortex of confusion]

But how can I live with myself if I don't send it? I'm a human being, and I feel that I'm entitled to remind her of that. So for me, sending that letter is a way of taking my life back. I realize that this might lead to her lashing out at me and causing even further damage in my life. But part of me thinks that's a small price to pay for being able to look at myself in the mirror again.

I have waffled a lot about confronting stbx. Ultimately, I have decided to confront him about a lot of stuff that happened. I was trying to think of how to explain, rationalize, justify, whatever this need that I had to confront him. I did some digging and came across some things to think about with regards to confronting an abuser. The site is for survivors of sexual abuse. I think it has a lot of good things to think about including the reasons that you may or may not want to do it.

The site is: www.pandys.org/articles/confrontingyourabuser.html

One of the things that is said is, "Focus on doing the encounter for yourself, not for the response you want to receive."

If your desire is to get some kind of response out of her, don't waste your time. I did confront stbx. It felt good to put all of that crap out there and let him know that I was no longer going to tolerate his crap. The way you described sitting there and doing nothing while getting beat up really touched a nerve with me. There were so many times that stbx did stuff that bugged me yet I overlooked it or didn't speak up. If I did try to speak up about how I felt about what he did or said, he would talk in circles or make things even more painful for me by not acknowledging me or hearing me. Since I blew up at him and sent him quite a few emails and texts confronting him with the reality of what he has done, I do feel like I am slowly getting unstuck. I felt like I was really stuck for a long time.

The aftermath of confronting him has been confusing for me as we still coparent our kids together. I confronted him will all of this stuff yet it still seems like the severity of what he did has not sunk in. It is like he split it all away or something. Do you ever have to see this person again? Is there anything like kids or finances or business stuff that is keeping you tied to her in some way? If not, would it be possible to do some kind of symbolic or mental confrontation? For me, I felt like the only way I could coparent with him or even be in the same room with him was to confront him. I could no longer be around him and deal with him and keep my mouth shut. I mention this because I do think it is important to consider all of the factors in your situation. If you have no intention of ever seeing this person again, would the benefits of a confrontation outweigh the potential pitfalls? For me, I felt like I had to do it for myself and my kids.

[myself]

You need to do whatever's best for you and your own healing. If it's staying away from now on, stay away. If it's sending a letter expressing your side of things/getting to be heard, send it. This is about You. Your feelings, your life, your closure. Just because someone avoids the truth doesn't mean it isn't right for them to hear it. In many ways, worrying that the person who abused you might feel like a victim if you speak up for yourself keeps them off the hook yet keeps you on it. You sound like you're more about clearing the air than keeping the door open for further hurt or conflict. Whatever moves you choose to make, keep the focus on detaching.

[FallBack!Monster]

Whatever moves you choose to make, keep the focus on detaching.

Thats the best advise I've read her in months.

[Nuitari]

But how can I live with myself if I don't send it? I'm a human being, and I feel that I'm entitled to remind her of that. So for me, sending that letter is a way of taking my life back. I realize that this might lead to her lashing out at me and causing even further damage in my life. But part of me thinks that's a small price to pay for being able to look at myself in the mirror again.

I have waffled a lot about confronting stbx. Ultimately, I have decided to confront him about a lot of stuff that happened. I was trying to think of how to explain, rationalize, justify, whatever this need that I had to confront him. I did some digging and came across some things to think about with regards to confronting an abuser. The site is for survivors of sexual abuse. I think it has a lot of good things to think about including the reasons that you may or may not want to do it.

The site is: www.pandys.org/articles/confrontingyourabuser.html

One of the things that is said is, "Focus on doing the encounter for yourself, not for the response you want to receive."

If your desire is to get some kind of response out of her, don't waste your time. I did confront stbx. It felt good to put all of that crap out there and let him know that I was no longer going to tolerate his crap. The way you described sitting there and doing nothing while getting beat up really touched a nerve with me. There were so many times that stbx did stuff that bugged me yet I overlooked it or didn't speak up. If I did try to speak up about how I felt about what he did or said, he would talk in circles or make things even more painful for me by not acknowledging me or hearing me. Since I blew up at him and sent him quite a few emails and texts confronting him with the reality of what he has done, I do feel like I am slowly getting unstuck. I felt like I was really stuck for a long time.

The aftermath of confronting him has been confusing for me as we still coparent our kids together. I confronted him will all of this stuff yet it still seems like the severity of what he did has not sunk in. It is like he split it all away or something. Do you ever have to see this person again? Is there anything like kids or finances or business stuff that is keeping you tied to her in some way? If not, would it be possible to do some kind of symbolic or mental confrontation? For me, I felt like the only way I could coparent with him or even be in the same room with him was to confront him. I could no longer be around him and deal with him and keep my mouth shut. I mention this because I do think it is important to consider all of the factors in your situation. If you have no intention of ever seeing this person again, would the benefits of a confrontation outweigh the potential pitfalls? For me, I felt like I had to do it for myself and my kids.

This is definitely about me. I'm not looking to get a reaction from her. She's done so many hurtful things, some that she doesn't even know I know about, and told so many lies, and I want her to know that I'm not the gullible idiot she thinks I am. I want her to know how her actions have affected me.

Luckily I never have to see or remain in contact with her again, but that's what makes it so important I send the letter. I need to say these things to her before she goes riding off into the sunset. I feel like it is the only way I can let go. She turned me into a complete mess and then goes on with her life like what happened was nothing. This world is a very sick place if that can happen. At the very minimum, she should at least be made aware of the damage she left behind that she'll never take accountability for.

[Nuitari]

You need to do whatever's best for you and your own healing. If it's staying away from now on, stay away. If it's sending a letter expressing your side of things/getting to be heard, send it. This is about You. Your feelings, your life, your closure. Just because someone avoids the truth doesn't mean it isn't right for them to hear it. In many ways, worrying that the person who abused you might feel like a victim if you speak up for yourself keeps them off the hook yet keeps you on it. You sound like you're more about clearing the air than keeping the door open for further hurt or conflict. Whatever moves you choose to make, keep the focus on detaching.

Yes, I need to focus on my feelings for a change. Worrying so much about hers at the expense of mine is what ruined my life. Why do I keep worrying so much about the feelings of someone who never gave a damn about mine? I'll send the letter or not send it based on what is best for me. And that's what is so hard, knowing what is best for me. I'm pretty certain there's going to be a lot of negative stuff arising from sending the letter, so I really need to make peace with that and decide if its worth it. I'm trying hard to get my life back together. I've gotten a part-time job in my field, and I'm very grateful for that because it helps take my mind off of things to a degree and gives me a sense of purpose again. In the meantime I'm looking for something more financially secure. I'm aware that contacting her with my letter may only cause further havoc for me and mess up what little stability I've gotten back (That's assuming she'll even bother to read it). But sending that letter is so important to me, and by allowing myself to be intimidated by what she might do I am only letting her continue to have power over me. So I really want to send the letter and let the chips fall where they may. On the other hand another side of me just wants to focus on getting my life together and forget her completely, but that's easier said than done.

[ttz]

Hi there

I read your post. 

If you hate her this will  occupy your mind too much.  The emotions in your body will cause a health issue over time.  I have had too much stress dealing with this environment... .and I have to learn  to manage it.  Its a family member ... .so this will be life long.

So sorry for your pain.  Sorry you have to go thru this.

[Nuitari]

The emotions in your body will cause a health issue over time.

I know, and this worries me. The hate is always with me. Its the first thing I'm aware of when I wake up in the morning. There is always a burning sensation in the pit of my stomach, and sometimes I think I feel a tightness in my chest. I need to lose my anger, but I don't know how. Its coming from my reliving traumatic memories. There is so much I blocked out. I either made excuses for her behavior (she's just having a bad day... .) or I was able to keep myself from dwelling on it. But now I can't avoid those events anymore. They're back like they just happened yesterday. It's weird. Some of this stuff happened over a year ago, and I'm only just now feeling it the way I should. Its all hitting me at once. I think this is why I'm being flooded with hate.

Here is something I want to share that is really bothering me today. She cheated on her husband with me while he was away in the military. Her feelings for me seemed so real when he was away, and she talked about leaving him to be with me. At any rate, it never happened. I felt like I had been used. Once it became clear to me that she wasn't going to leave him, I tried to avoid her. But that was hard sense I saw her practically everyday at work. One day, after her husband had returned home, she asked me to meet with her over the weekend to help her study for a college class she was taking, and I agreed. We ended up going back to my place and having sex. It wasn't planned on. But it just happened in a spontaneous kind of way. I wanted to take this to mean she still had feelings for me, but I later found out her husband wasn't able to have sex for three months because of medical reasons, and I suspect that's the only reason she wanted it from me. Anyway, after the sex I began to feel some guilt, and I began to grow very worried about her. All I could think was, if I was feeling guilty, how bad must she be feeling? Deep down I just knew that she felt terrible about what we had done, and I felt responsible, even though she initiated the incident. All I wanted to do was reach out to her and make sure that she was ok. I wasn't able to contact her because of the husband, so I spent a whole weekend doing nothing but worrying about her and how guilt-ridden she must be. The next time I saw her was at work, and she acted very cold to me. When I asked her if she regretted what we had done, she laughed and said "hell no." I was so relived and felt silly for worrying so much about her. I replied saying that I didn't have any regrets either. She actually says "I don't care if you regret it or not." How does someone recover from that?

[Dhand77]

"I don't care if you regret it or not." I could absolutely hear my ex saying these words in a cold, dead voice. Wow.