Just split from BPD

[seenr]

Hi there,

I split 6 weeks ago from my partner who I suspect has BPD/NPD. I'm not a professional so I cannot make that diagnosis, but counsellors have told me she is, everything I have seen from her & read about things she has done, point to BPD.

I'm finding things difficult. I had to move out of our house, am staying with family, who are hurt to see me so down. I am scared for the future, sometimes feel really panicked by life and any interaction with her leaves me almost shaking.

I'm here for support but also if I can help, then great :-)

Sean.

[rfriesen]

Hi Sean,

Welcome! And I'm sorry to hear you're finding things difficult and feeling down. Like so many other people on this site, I can certainly relate. I felt heartache like I'd never felt before after splitting with my ex. (Like you, I believe my ex displays many BPD traits, though she hasn't been diagnosed.)

There is no magic formula or short cut for getting through the hurt. The most important thing I've done over the past few months is, I think, to force myself to sit with my emotions when they're very unpleasant, learn how to observe them, and understand that they don't control my response to them. I've seen this as an opportunity to develop new responses to unpleasant emotions and to regain control over them, in a sense. And, of course, adopt habits that you know will pay off in the long run - take good care of yourself, eat well, sleep well, get out with friends, talk with family, try to give your all to activities that you like.

This is all so much easier said than done. I still struggle with making sense of the past year-and-a-half with my ex (now three months out) and with a lot of pain missing the good times. I wish you all the best as you move on now too.

[seenr]

Thank You.

The basic dilemma is that being with her often ended in violent episodes where she would seize, break, my possessions, would go through my belongings, hit me or another in the house, or at least do things that were violent. She constantly pushed for more & more money and if I questioned anything she would react scathingly. She offered no long term stability, saying 'she hoped we'd work out' but at the same time wanted me to fund a house purchase, holidays etc, while also saying 'every couple who gets together risks breaking up'. Correct, but not just after they buy a house.

But also I've never felt this way about anyone. That might say a lot about me & what I am willing to accept.

Thinking of her moving on with someone else hurts, hurts a hell of a lot & I worry for my son as if she does meet someone, all this will happen again 8-9 months into a new relationship. For me, it is almost impossible to think of me with someone else. My confidence is low.

[LilMe]

Welcome, seanr 

I am 2 months out of a 10 year relationship with an uBPD.  We have 3 children together.  I find that no contact is saving my sanity.  At first he constantly emailed, called, and showed up at my home.  Each time I was left shaking and upset.  Now, thanks to our lawyers and the police, he is pretty much leaving me alone.  It makes such a difference in my healing!  He did show up where we were last Saturday and it set me back a lot.  He would not leave and kept saying crazy stuff like I had a boyfriend and made the children call him daddy!  Like you, I can't even imagine ever being with anyone else at this point!  And I feel like I will die if he gets into a new relationship!  I still love him, or maybe I just care very deeply and am addicted to him :'(, but have finally come out of the fog and realize that I must let him go for the safety and mental health of myself and my children.

I am glad you have found us!  I could not have made it this far without the support and knowledge on these forums!  Please keep posting and I look forward to watching you heal and grow from your experience.

[seenr]

Thanks LilMe.

I guess I knew what I was doing getting back together with her but took a risk that was like picking up a hand grenade.

Two years ago I tried to get us back together. She said no. I chased her for a long time, wanting to be a family and she said no. I even got legal documentation from her asking me to not seek a reconciliation. So I took that message, wrote a letter saying 'I'm hurt, I accept your decision & will move on & wish you good luck'. Next time I collected him, she was up in arms saying we should be married now, have a bigger family etc. She initiated us getting back together, I handed over money, then she broke us up again. 5 months passed by, she initiated us getting back together again and then 7 months later split again.

She's been violent, called me a child abuser, said I am very mean with money (despite 4 out of every 5 euro I earn going into the family) said I make no effort around the house (even though most Saturdays I would wake early to clean the house and she would claim I was doing so only to take my Son to see my Dad) accused me having no interest in my son, accused me of not letting my son alone when he wanted to watch TV, it was relentless.

Why would I still have feelings for someone like this?

I am glad to have read your post as at least I know someone else feels like this. I am not crazy!

[LilMe]

I think the first thing we all found comforting when we first joined this forum were stories similar to ours.  I too was thrown out and/or left  and returned several times over the years.  No one (including myself) could understand why I kept coming back.  It really is like an addiction.  They can be so amazing and kind sometimes, but it never lasts.  Eventually the anger and dysregulation return.  Towards the end of my relationship it was every, single day.  My children were suffering so I knew I had to be strong and make it stop.

Please protect yourself legally!  The legal board here is amazing.  Their advice and counsel is what helped me to get out and legally protect myself and my children.  His latest tactic is to call the child abuse hotline on me multiple times, but it has finally backfired and they now realize he is the problem, not me.  I stayed strong and firm through the process and have a lawyer experienced in high conflict/personality disorder cases who is my rock.

I hope your day is wonderful and you can get some peace knowing you have done the right thing in getting away from the disfunction!

[Bpdruinmylife]

Hey Brother,

I just wanted to give you my support and strength. There is the rational side in me saying, no, no, no, and then the emotional side trying to find any reason to explain away all the actions. Something that helps me to keep on track is keeping a list of concrete actions that happened. I carry a list in my pocket. When I'm just at my limit I look at that list and even rewriting it seems to somehow clarify for me emotionally and give me strength. Sometimes I just tell myself ... .how much more good/great would be better ? and certainly I don't want more bad... .Maybe try to become grateful for the good times and just accept that you got to have that and that is all ... .

i feel your pain, it's no joke, stay strong

[seenr]

Thanks Bpdruinmylife

I am 42 and part of my thinking is like this:

Get back with BPD ex, take all the crap and be with our 3 year old son each day. I do also love her, so there is that, but there is some amount of mental pain that goes with it.

or

Shake myself down, accept the loneliness and be ready to date with someone new and maybe have a relationship where another child is a prospect.

My BPD ex involved 3 pregnancies, all of which were awful, painful, horrible. We are lucky to have a lovely little son.

In the past, I walked away from her and she would leave voicemails on my phone, crying, begging me not to do the things in bed with others that her & I had done. I had no intention of it - I was leaving her for my sanity, not to hurt her or get with another woman. But when we were apart, she felt she had free license to do as she pleased. It is this way of thinking, where the other person's feelings are not considered, that I find hardest.

I wish I could fast forward a year and be happy :-(