I got an intresting email and text from my BPD Mom

[mantamoo]

I have been trying to go NC with my mom since May. She was diagnosed with BPD then and things took a turn for the worse, my eyes were opened, and I was trying to set boundaries with her. She never honored then so I tried not talking to her at all. This has been for almost a month. Then I get an email last night, from her, saying she was misdiagnosed and according to her therapist (who told her psychiatrist) she does not have BPD, but bipolar disorder. I find this very hard to believe. My mom said that her therapist told her she doesn't meet the criteria for BPD.  I am having a hard time believing her. I know I am not a professional, but from everything I have read about BPD, my mom fits about 95% of it.

Then her email goes on apologizing to me for the text message she sent me. ( I blocked her on my phone, so I went into my blocked messages and saw the text). It was a mean text about how she was mad at me for blocking her on Facebook. She had me blocked for a while and lied saying she was off Facebook for good.

She went on then to say she hopes we can be a family again, but if not, she wishes me (and my sister) the best and if we ever need her, she will be there. HA! really? After everything that has happened, she thinks I would want her help!

I did the probably not smart thing, and wrote her back. I was straight forward, and honest, without being too snarky. I told her the reasoning for me blocking her on facebook was because I found out she was airing our dirty laundry on there and I had proof that I was willing to send to her. I told her that I never once said anything about this situation publicly on social media, and if she needed proof, I could provide that. I also told her that this was the absolute last time I was going to respond to communication she initiated, and when I was ready to talk to her, I would contact her (reinstating boundaries I tried to set before). I also told her how I have been feeling during all of this. I am 36 weeks pregnant and told her that instead of this being a happy time, it has been overshadowed by stress caused by this situation. I haven't heard from her, but I did see she took the nasty comments off of facebook so I know she read it.

That email she sent, just added to the confusion I already had about everything. I talked to my husband about the email, and he thinks she's lying or has manipulated her therapist into thinking she doesn't have BPD. My mom left my sister a voicemail and said "good news is I was misdiagnosed with BPD. I am just very, very bipolar). How is that good news?

I think she is lying too. I was wondering what you all think as well.

Mantamoo

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi mantamoo: 

People can have BPD traits and perhaps not fit the exact criteria for an official diagnosis.  I'm thinking it is common for BPD people to perhaps discuss some of their problems/traits with a therapist, but not all.  They likely won't admit, or fail to recognize that they exhibit certain behavior.

I'm thinking it shouldn't matter whether she has an official diagnosis of BPD.  It is a matter of what behavior is acceptable and what behavior is not.  Probably best to not debate about the diagnosis, and focus on what behavior needs to change and what boundaries need to be respected.

Hang in there, it isn't easy.

[anyplacesafe]

Hey mantamoo,

Don't feel bad about engaging with her. Nibbler is completely right that the diagnosis itself doesn't change her behaviour or the need for her to respect your boundaries. It's not like a person with bipolar who violates your boundaries has more right to be around you than someone with BPD. Your husband sounds very wise.

You said all the right things, tbh. And at 36 weeks pregnant you have bigger fish to fry. I know communications can suck you right back in, but you're doing a good job in maintaining the boundaries you've set yourself.

[Fie]

Hello Mantamoo,

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy !

I recognize parts of your story. My mum also told me she is certain she doesn't have BPD (some  time ago I confronted her) - hell, she even turned it around and wondered aloud if maybe I had it ? (she read about it and said that BPDs often project their disorder on others. Damned, their manipulation can go really far. My mum is not an extremely intelligent person, but when it is about manipulating, she gets pretty inventive).

Firstly it does not really matter what she thinks. I know what I know, and that's enough. And second, I think Naughty Nibbler and Anyplacesafe are right. Even if she doesn't officially have it, her behavior is not ok.

Maybe you want to make sure her messages arrive in a folder you don't read  ? Or maybe your husband can read them  in stead of you ? This way you can concentrate more on what really counts, which is you and your family.