Just understood my daughter has BPD, my health after I see her sometimes is not

[ttz]

Im new so I hope I can figure out this forum.  She is going to college now and was a few years in the military but had problems in there so she is now getting counseling.  She came home to live with us for a year and I saw in her medical records she was BPD.  I ignored it because out of my own belief I could fix this.

The year she lived with us was HELL.  My husband who is so kind and laid back wanted to throw her out twice.  She refused to see a counselor, uncooperative with medical.  I was blamed for everything.  

She married and we warned her not to,  Well her marriage was a train wreck, we never went out to see them because I knew it would be so conflict oriented.  I was hated by her at a distance for who knows what.  If we aren't on the same page emotionally its always my fault.

She ended up going to college and getting out of the relationship.  She moved out of state and we knew he would never follow her.  And he didn't.  When she realized this (I warned her but she never listened) we got a call on Mothers Day she was in the mental health because of suicide intentions.  She had a gun and apparently caused a problem or said something (I never get the full story)  because authorities armed showed up.

My husband and I took turns (we live out of state) to go and stay with her and get her different medical.  I had a blood test done and it was as bad as a older woman in menopause.  So once we got some of the hormones balanced the drama and chaos calmed down a lot.  Please get an entire panel on your BPD.  You may find some way of helping them.


I just got back from another visit and we went for a ride in the car and she made snide remarks demeaning me (but she says she loves me so much and can't wait to be with me... .i don't get this)

I cried and said I do not want to deal with it and I won't going forward,  I gave her examples of what I won't like and told her it hurt me.  A few days later we too her out and she started with her face and a sideway comment.  I got up and said thats it!  Went to the car and we had a shove match in the front seat.  (not the first time)

Got verbal with her back and we left.  

I got a few very toxic text messages from her of course Im a sick person and name calling.  She called me a drunk, I wasn't.  And on and on.  WOW.


Whenever I go see my son who lives nearby she will come up with awful drama about him as if Im going to cancel the visit or to get me to not like him.  I know she does this with me because she will demean me with my husband and try to get him to side with her.  He doesn't.  Im sure he is now an awful person to in her world.  Once when she was 17 she accused him of abuse, we all stood there watching them and it was the stupidest thing I saw.  She was throwing her arms at him and he was trying to keep her from running off (It was after 10:30pm and she wanted to go out... .no way)  She's accused a few people in military of abuse.

I hired a PI when she told me about one of them, everything she said that happened and who was there was not documented and nobody had a report.  When I told her this she deflected it.  

She is relentless when she is angry and I almost believe her reality when she is like this.  I do not mind not connecting with her for awhile but I do not want her out of my life completely. My counselor said this all sounds like BPD, thats when I remembered what I saw on her medical record when she lived with us a few years ago.  She told me the description of what I am experiencing sounds like it so I am reading online about it.  WOW>

Some of the mother daughter relationships and what the mom is feeling like is as if I wrote it myself.

I feel hollow, exhauseted and self questioning myself with myself.  Now I feel guilty about everything... .and she is good at that.  If we were living together Im sure we would have had a fight.  She gets so insulting and blaming I cannot stand it anymore.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY TTZ:

Welcome to BPD Family  

So sorry about the problems with your daughter.  You will find many understanding people here and find others who have a lot in common with you.  Glad you have a therapist.  It can really help to have someone to talk to about BPD.  It can seem so crazy and hard to understand.

I found the book, "Stop Walking of Egg Shells" enlightening.  The uBPD in my life is my sister.  I can relate very well to insults and blame.  So frustrating.

Have you found some way to manage your stress?  Got to take care of yourself.

There is a lot of good information on this Website that you should find helpful.   You can go to "The Learning Center" area on the board (find the main index page or use the navigation drop-down at the bottom of this page).  The links below are likely helpful:


Here are links to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG):

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Here are links to threads about boundaries:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

[lbjnltx]

Hello tzz,

Welcome to the Parenting Board.  We are glad you are here sharing your story with us.

When I first came here my d was very young... .12.  I had no idea how to stop the escalating arguments or the verbal and emotional abuse that I received.  I read a lot of the tools and first had to create a safe space for myself so that I could begin to absorb all this information.  I created that safe space with boundaries, naughty nibbler gave you some good links.  With in that safe space I began to learn to validate my daughter... .it was rough at the beginning as I was a novice and she was confused.   The validation really helped our communication go from arguing to conversing, from accusing to understanding.  She is 19 now and we are very close. 

I look forward to reading more about you and helping where I am able.

lbj