62 yr old homeless mom living off of me dilemma: HELP

[flower211]

My mom, in Feb of this year, attempted suicide. She was living in WA (we live in AZ- my husband, 3 children and I) The reason she attempted to take her life- what prompted it- was homelessness. She was being evicted from the townhouse she had shared with my Aunt, her sister, for over 15 years. She hadn't worked for the last 10, living off of food stamps and unemployment and student loans. She lost her car to repossession years ago, so she had no vehicle.

Then I get a phone call a few days later that she's in the hospital after overdosing on pain medication.

The hospital was working with my estranged brother and i on trying to find a place for her to go, because by then, she was locked out of her home and lost all her belongings.

Meanwhile, all this is going on at the same time my family- my husband and I- had just bought a new home. We were all set to move in on Feb 8th and guess who ended up arriving via bus on the exact same day to move in with us?

We have never had this house to ourselves. We tried setting boundaries with her, giving her motivations and time to find a job, get health insurance, even get therapy.

Two days ago, we let her borrow our Ford Explorer to go to said therapy.

Yesterday we went to get in our other car and noticed some significant damage to both vehicles. We asked her about it, she played dumb and innocent, until 20 min later she reveals, "Ok, yeah. I did it. I'm SORRY." like a kid being caught.

She's clinically depressed, has migraines every week, and when she's not having a migraine, she's either in bed, or shuffling around the house in her slippers and pajamas.

It's causing problems in my marriage. My husband says he doesn't even want to come home anymore, that this has never felt like a home to him. She's always here. She has no friends. No ambition. No drive. She's the picture perfect example of the Borderline Waif. It's taking a toll on my health. I now am in the process of being diagnosed with lupus.

I blew my top yesterday and told her exactly how I feel. That she is using us, and use IS abuse! She's using us to live a comfortable life, watch netflix and sleep all day. Yes, she does the dishes and occasionally the laundry, but thats' about it. And even when she does that, she's sulking, playing the martyr.

I told her I don't have a mother.

She just cried and cried in her bed and called me selfish, judgmental, and (I quote) "I hope your children grow up and say these things to you someday" and "After all I have done for YOU"

It's amazing. I can tell the difference between a "I'm really sorry, I'm gonna fix this" cry and a "Boo hoo, woe is me, I got caught, feel sorry for me and I hate you" cry. And I can tell when I'm being mind-f_d.

I can't live like this anymore. But I don't know what to do. I'm trying to contact my brother who is in the military in KY and hope maybe she can go live with him for 6 months? Maybe we can take turns? I don't know. I need help.

[flower211]

She has NO LIFE. And she's perfectly OK with that. I told her this is MY life that I have built for myself. I have worked hard to have the family and support system and marriage that I have. She says to me, "I felt that way too, once." (FYI: My father cheated and left when I was 9 yrs old) trying to imply that mine is doomed like hers.

It's like she casts this huge shadow over my whole entire life. I can't have happiness when she is here. It's weird, but the happier I become, the more miserable she becomes. When I am sick and hurting, she is right there, Johnny on the spot, ready to lend a hand. If I am crying, she's there. But if I'm happy or successful? She resents me.

It's the classic double bind.

And I'm the grown up here. I am the adult.

I'm planning on contacting her therapist about what happened with the car incident. She lied about what she did. She said the reason she lied is because she was afraid of being kicked out. But isn't lying more likely to get you kicked out? And if she lies about this, what ELSE does she lie about? The trust, tenuous at best, is gone.

I'm facing the very likely scenario of having to kick my grown mother out of my house and onto the street. I know she can apply for section 8 housing, but there is a very long wait list.

She's a grown woman that acts like a child.

Am I just being too hard on her? What do I do? This is my mom. The grandmother of my children. But her attitude is incredibly self centered, self involved, and- frankly- borderline/narcissistic.

I need help. I need help drawing boundaries and getting my LIFE back! This sucks. Please keep in mind that I DO love my mom or I wouldn't have taken her in in the first place, but maybe I let my savior complex get too much of the best of me. This is WAAAAY over my head. I cannot fix her. I cannot make her love herself, stop hating herself, or be functional. And I also cannot live with this in my house anymore.

HELP!

[Turkish]

I was in a similar situation in a way,  but I lived by myself and had my two little kids half the time,  so I didn't have a marriage to deal with.  Mother or not,  your marriage is your primary relationship.

Unfortunately,  she's at an age where kicking her out would qualify as elder abuse,  a tough situation to be in.  How are social services in AZ, can she get on welfare? AARP  has some resources which can support care takers. The forums there aren't busy,  but someone usually answers.  In California,  there is a state agency which can help connect with a social worker. 

I'm sorry that you are so stressed that it's affecting you emotionally on top of serious health issues,  I'm sure that you're never going to let her drive again,  right?  Have any of the BPD tools here helped even in the least?