Got triggered by emotional flashback.

[polly87]

Hi all,

I got triggered yesterday. My bf called because he missed me and we ended up chatting for an hour or two. At some point I made a silly remark about going to an event next year together and I regretted it immediately because what if he’d back off when confronted with long term plans... .but instead of changing the subject I blurted out something like “well, are we, like, you know... .a couple then”... .and regretted that as well of course. He didn’t seem to mind though.

Later on he asked me some questions about myself and I ended up telling him how I’m afraid of people I love leaving me and how I learned to believe this when I wasn’t allowed to see my dad as a kid , and my uBPD mother would always go out and leave me. I didn’t believe she loved me enough to come back and felt sure she would at some point really abandon me.

It seemed natural to tell this to my bf and I didn’t feel very upset. But when we rung off I felt afraid he’d leave because, well, that’s what’s always happened with people I love. I was reminded of the pattern with my ex – I was so afraid that my ex would leave that it made me too insecure to be a good partner for him.

It was late at night and that didn’t help me gain a clear picture of things as they are now. It was quite scary to experience such a setback. Made me think I’d never have a healthy relationship. I felt I’d made a mistake telling him about my fears and I made up my mind not to do so again. I was really sad and felt that I’d failed hard by expressing my need of the security of being in an official r/s. I made up my mind not to bring up the subject in a next r/s. But meanwhile  I’m still afraid that I will scare off my bf when I tell him about such feelings.

Of course this fear stems from my mother’s fear of emotions... .all emotions, her own, and other people’s. ... .But it was hard to see it like this with everything mixed up. I hope and pray that I will not fall into the pattern of my previous r/s... .My ex used to rationalise everything and he used physical force to control me when I got triggered. Maybe some of yesterday’s distress was caused by some subconscious memory or fear of that pattern as well. I can’t really see this happening with my current bf because he is more emotional than rational, which is a relief I must say. But still I’m afraid of losing him. I’m seeing him tomorrow and I’m not sure if I should bring up the subject again and apologise for having mentioned the official thingy or if I should just ignore it and hope for the best. I think I’ll stick with the latter.

Thanks for reading these twisted thoughts... .Had to get this off my chest.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Polly! 

So nice to see you back on the board with us.   

I'm glad you shared about your struggle--thank you! I am sure that so many of us can relate very much. I know I can. How many times I've felt resonably safe with someone, and then I said something that I did not intend to say, thus exposing a vulnerable place within me. My triggers kick into automatic gear, and like you, I'm off in that panic, worrying what they think. ":)id I say too much," and "will they ever talk with me again" types of unending questions in my mind.

It seemed natural to tell this to my bf and I didn’t feel very upset. But when we rung off I felt afraid he’d leave because, well, that’s what’s always happened with people I love. I was reminded of the pattern with my ex – I was so afraid that my ex would leave that it made me too insecure to be a good partner for him.

I think it's quite normal that you'd feel triggered by what happened, but it is an awful feeling, isn't it? I'm sorry that you are experiencing this, but I think it is amazing growth that you are quite aware of your feelings!  You've come a long way.  . My T told me not so long ago that trust is something built over time, and you are very much in the process of building that trust with your new bf. Let me know what you decide to do when you next see him and how it goes. I don't think there's a right or wrong in this situation, but rather an opportunity for more learning. You are doing well!

Wools

[HappyChappy]

I got triggered yesterday... .“well, are we, like, you know... .a couple then”... .and regretted that as well of course. He didn’t seem to mind though.

Hi Polly87 

I’m sorry you were triggered, but it’s completely understandable to have a fear of abandonment if brought up by a BPD.  Being triggered must have been an awful experience for you, it is for me, but never forget it is also a distortion of the situation/facts. You said your bf didn’t appear to mind, and in truth I can’t see anything wrong in what you said. In other words, you probably got away with this trigger. Of course people like to clarify the status of their relationship. And let’s be honest, most people will feel a bit insecure in a relationship from time to time, especially in the early stages. How long has it been with your bf ?

The fact your bf called you (not the other way around) and you said he missed you, suggests to me he’s keen on you.  So from what you’ve said, I’m not sure what you have to apologies for.  Your statement was fine, the worrying bit, you being triggered, how noticeable was that to him ? If you bring it back up, maybe then it would start to look like an issue ?  But in fairness you know way more about this event than I, so... .Long term what things are you doing to address the abandonment trigger ? As a child (7 and younger) my mother abandoned me in big cities (a few times),  I’d be picked up by the Police or my Dad would find me after he got home from work. Lost for most the day. I used CBT to get over that, here’s an introduction to that, if you’re interested:

Free On-Line Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Program (CBT)

[polly87]

Hi Wools and HappyChappy,

Glad to see you again Wools!   

I am sure that so many of us can relate very much. I know I can. How many times I've felt resonably safe with someone, and then I said something that I did not intend to say, thus exposing a vulnerable place within me. My triggers kick into automatic gear, and like you, I'm off in that panic, worrying what they think. ":)id I say too much," and "will they ever talk with me again" types of unending questions in my mind.

It's a relief that I'm not the only one who feels like this... .it means a lot to me. I'm sorry you've experienced the same though. Maybe it's exactly because we feel rather safe with someone that we share a bit too much... .We feel it's safe to share, and it actually is, but then the old fears resurface. Just a thought... .

I think it is amazing growth that you are quite aware of your feelings!  Doing the right thing You've come a long way.

Thank you   Having been triggered makes me think I went a couple of steps back but then again it's a sign of healing when we are aware of our feelings, even if the feeling is fear.

My T told me not so long ago that trust is something built over time, and you are very much in the process of building that trust with your new bf

Yep, I needed that reminder... .My previous r/s was all about instant trust, instant love and rushing everything... .Both my ex and me approached the r/s like all or nothing. It's quite different now with my new bf. I met him only a month ago and I'm determined not to move in with him within the following months as I did with my ex!

it’s completely understandable to have a fear of abandonment if brought up by a BPD. ... .You said your bf didn’t appear to mind, and in truth I can’t see anything wrong in what you said. In other words, you probably got away with this trigger. Of course people like to clarify the status of their relationship.

Thank you for this HappyChappy.    Sometimes I expect myself not to have issues, which is unrealistic to say the least, after what I've been through. It's just that I'd like to be a healthy partner and be in a relatively untroubled relationship... .I'm afraid to feel fear of abandonment because my previous r/s was so troubled by my (and my ex's )  issues.

Your statement was fine, the worrying bit, you being triggered, how noticeable was that to him ?

Fair question. Frankly I don't think he noticed, expect that he may have deduced something from my story about feeling abandoned as a child. I don't think I'll bring it up again as he didn't seem to mind, so like you said I probably got away with it! I've learned from this though and will try to think before I speak about such a topic next time... ."try", that is, mind you

In two weeks I'll start a new round of sessions with my T. I had to wait 6 months to get an appointment but I'm nearly there now. And I think abandonment issues will be an important part of T for me.

It must have been horrible for you to be left alone in a big city. I'm so sorry you were subjected to such fear. It sounds as if you're able to deal with the memories now, that's really brave.

[polly87]

Hi,

I’m not sure if this would fit better in the “Building healthy relationships” section... .please let me know if it does.

Just got back home from a stayover at my bf’s. I am surprised how many feelings I have been through in the past three days. Basically there are three kinds of feelings:

- Happy feelings. It’s great to watch a film together under a big woollen plaid, or to learn what he appreciates in me.

- A strong fear of abandonment, which is often triggered by feelings of love. I get thoughts like: “it is really nice now but it isn’t going to last” and “I can’t mention this subject... .what will he think when I say I want to go on holiday with him... .” I know where this comes from, but I haven’t been able to deal with it yet, apparently. I suppose it will need a lot more time and effort. In a way, this makes sense, because I’ve never experienced a healthy romantic r/s.

- Feelings of fear and slight frustration, related to bad memories with my ex and my childhood. I appreciate my bf’s interest in my past, but I think I am going to have to draw a closer line... . It seems as if he asks more questions about my bad memories than about the good ones, but then again, I honestly don’t think the good memories outnumber the bad, so can I blame him? I am going to have to try something else though. I’m going to try some different communication techniques , changing the subject, and generally trying to speak more, which I find hard except with people I’ve known for years.

Also, I noticed that when I’m tired or worried, I tend to be really quiet, and then my bf tells funny stories or asks me questions about myself. Apparently I am not yet able to say something like “I’m really tired, do you mind if I just sit back and listen?” ... .let alone something like “I am overthinking things and I’m a bit frightened because we talked about my childhood, shall we watch an uplifting film?” I'm afraid that my being triggered will make him leave me just like my ex did.

I am surprised to see how much I have changed in a year, though. With my ex, I would not assert my needs at all. Now I’m able to speak up about simple things like when I want to go to sleep. Before, my needs would merge into those of my ex and it would just be a blur, instead of two individuals... .I thought that I’d come a long way but I also got a pretty long way to go... .and it frightens me. Maybe I have been damaged so much that I won’t be able to have a lasting relationship. I mean I want to keep making progress, but isn’t there some kind of ceiling against which I’ll bump, a PTSD ceiling in the sky of relationships?

And I am also surprised to find that my fear of abandonment triggers old memories of being punished for feelings by my mother. This fear and my need for security make me feel like my mind and soul are dirty, twisted and low. It makes me want to clean myself by ritual washing and praying. (Wow, that sounds as if I’ve got OCD.)

I thought I had dealt with those memories... .I am perfectly able to deal with “regular” feelings by now. But it seems as if love and fear of abandonment are another level of emotions, and I need to work on that.

[polly87]

I found this article really interesting: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0

Feeling Levels Can Pull Files

When we see a friend in town, the brain looks for and pull his/her file. Our emotions work this way also. When we begin to feel a certain feeling or when our "feeling level" reaches a certain spot, the brain searches for anything (a file or memory reference) we may have for that level of feeling. The brain basically asks the question "Have I felt this way before?" - If so, pull the file.

The explains why many people can only reach so far in a relationship. As they become emotionally closer, the brain may look for a file reference. Example:

New/current relationship

Strong feelings ----- ? (brain looks for a reference, finds the file below)

Memory file: "First Marriage" That file contains strong feelings ----> verbal/physical abuse ----- separation ----- divorce. Pulling that old file in the new relationship puts your emotional and romantic progress at a halt.

When we see what's in the "first marriage" file, it's easy to see how the individual would become uneasy, upset, and even defensive in the new relationship. This is why people become "bogged down" in relationships. If we develop odd feelings or attitudes that don't seem to fit the situation - look for a file that may be out. If you are thinking "Every time I feel this way... ." and then predict the future, you've got a file out.

This is indeed how things work in my mind. I have strong feelings for my bf and this reminds me of my previous r/s and of my ex breaking up with me. So my mind takes out the “if you love someone they’ll leave” file, which is a pretty nasty file if you ask me. I hope I can put it back into its drawer soon.

[polly87]

It just happened again. I've been too busy the past weeks and stress has builded up. Then I got upset because of something and it triggered fear of abandonment again. I was afraid to talk about this but eventually I decided that I shouldn't let my fear of expressing myself control my life and I texted my bf that I missed him (feeling like an idiot and a freak) and then sort of collapsed into one of those bad trips of emotion. Fortunately it didn't last long this time as I forced myself back into reality by looking at a picture of my aunt and then my friend happened to call. I know where these flashbacks come from but I can't always stop them. I'm afraid that it'll happen when I'm with my bf and he'll freak out and leave me like my ex did. I think that's one of my biggest fears.

I feel like I've failed tonight. It's hard to accept these feelings sometimes. I just want to forget this and start a new day tomorrow. Reminding myself that God forgives us all.

[Naughty Nibbler]

It just happened again. I've been too busy the past weeks and stress has builded up. Then I got upset because of something and it triggered fear of abandonment again. I was afraid to talk about this but eventually I decided that I shouldn't let my fear of expressing myself control my life and I texted my bf that I missed him (feeling like an idiot and a freak) and then sort of collapsed into one of those bad trips of emotion. Fortunately it didn't last long this time as I forced myself back into reality by looking at a picture of my aunt and then my friend happened to call. I know where these flashbacks come from but I can't always stop them. I'm afraid that it'll happen when I'm with my bf and he'll freak out and leave me like my ex did. I think that's one of my biggest fears.

I feel like I've failed tonight. It's hard to accept these feelings sometimes. I just want to forget this and start a new day tomorrow. Reminding myself that God forgives us all.

[/b]HEY POLLY87:[/b]

Looking at the picture and calling a friend are good ways to change your thinking pattern.

Are they some other things you have thought of doing to change your thoughts?  Maybe some mindfulness activities (i.e. informal mindfulness exercises, guided meditation, TM meditation), or listing to some upbeat music and singing along, some physical exercise?

[unicorn2014]

Hi Polly,

Do you have PTSD too?

I put my phone in do not disturb mode from 8pm to 8am.

I have blocked my ex husband and my partner on my iPhone.

I hear you saying your mother is uBPD. What about your ex boyfriend? I am not sure if you have a current boyfriend.

I can relate to emotional flashbacks. I had one in the tub tonight which I will post on my own thread.

Lets support each other.

[polly87]

Hi Naughty Nibbler and unicorn,

I was actually practicing mindfulness when I was overwhelmed by emotion yesterday. I think it allowed me to feel more strongly the things I had been ignoring. From now on I will block two or three days a week for "me time"... .I need time to recharge without any appointments. Going on long walks a couple of times a week works well to calm down my mind and the memories.

Yep, I have PTSD too. My ex's mother has uBPD and he has some characteristics. He used to be afraid of strong displays of emotion and would rationalise things, which didn't help me. It felt invalidating even though he meant well. He also had an unstable sense of self, being really insecure and afraid to fail and another moment he'd be kind of arrogant and look down on certain people. Weird to think of this now.

I have a new bf (since a month and a half) and his mother has uBPD too. It seems as if people's past experiences draw them to each other. It makes me wonder.

[unicorn2014]

Hi Naughty Nibbler and unicorn,

I was actually practicing mindfulness when I was overwhelmed by emotion yesterday. I think it allowed me to feel more strongly the things I had been ignoring. From now on I will block two or three days a week for "me time"... .I need time to recharge without any appointments. Going on long walks a couple of times a week works well to calm down my mind and the memories.

Yep, I have PTSD too. My ex's mother has uBPD and he has some characteristics. He used to be afraid of strong displays of emotion and would rationalise things, which didn't help me. It felt invalidating even though he meant well. He also had an unstable sense of self, being really insecure and afraid to fail and another moment he'd be kind of arrogant and look down on certain people. Weird to think of this now.

Hi Polly, can you describe your ex's mothers symptoms?

It sounds like your ex also has some symptoms of NPD. What do you think?

I have a new bf (since a month and a half) and his mother has uBPD too. It seems as if people's past experiences draw them to each other. It makes me wonder.

Can you describe your new bf's mother's symptoms?

Also may I ask the amount of time you were with your ex and the amount of time you waited before dating someone new?

[polly87]

I'm losing control. It happens again and again. The film in my head and the feelings. This time I just said to myself: hey, let's just watch while my heart beats like crazy and let's pretend it doesn't matter. It'll pass. But it didn't pass during the conversation I had. It's just the fear that he'll find out that I need things and will back off but isn't that just a projection of my mother's opinion on him? I am trying to drown my emotions in a glass of beer and wondering if that makes me an addict like my mother and my ex's mother and my ex and all the other people who used to be around me.

I was all awkwardness and couldn't manage to express my fear to him. I wish I could have. And yet he said he'd come over tomorrow instead of Sunday so I must have done something right, right? I want to cry but can't. I'm afraid it'll make me feel like I did yesterday when I lost touch with reality for like nearly half an hour.

It's just that I was so afraid that he wouldn't call like he promised and when he said he hadn't forgotten it didn't change the way I felt somehow. My heart kept beating so fast. I keep thinking that if I can manage to hide my weakness he won't leave. It was only my weakness that made my ex leave me so if I hide it now I'll be okay. I can manage to sort out my issues on my own. I won't have codependency again in my r/s.

Unicorn, I feel too upset to answer your questions right now but I'll do so when I'm able again. Thanks xo

[Harri]

Polly!  I am so glad to see you back here, though I am not glad that you are in a bit of a struggle right now.  I think of you often and have missed you so. 

So you think you are losing control.  Because of the intensity of feelings you are experiencing?  As unpleasant as those emotions may be, I remember a time when you could only feel them when your ex was around.  Do you remember that?  So is this really a loss of control or is it more a letting go of the barriers you had to erect during a horrendous childhood?  I think it also indicates that you are moving into an area where you are starting to not just see but embrace the fact that you are strong enough and can trust yourself enough to deal with anything that happens... .otherwise, you would not be feeling these feelings all by yourself.  So, I hope this is not coming across as invalidating but (!) I think you might be doing a bit of twisted thinking here.  Seriously.  You tried to tell yourself to ignore the feelings and to pretend it does not matter... .and it did not work.  Kick me if you like, but I happen to think that is a good thing.    You were telling yourself self destructive and invalidating things.  They are not supposed to work my friend!  If you are going to talk yourself through something like this, focus on the *facts* that feeling these emotions is a good thing and indicates progress on this windy, twisting path to a more healthy and even more wonderful Polly.  That you managed to have the feelings and actually survive for a second, a minute, a half hour, an hour.  That is progress, painful, hard, achingly beautiful progress.  It hurts.  It is scary.  It is searingly wonderful.  I know those words are not much comfort right now.  Like I said, kick me if you like, but I will still stand right beside you admiring you and the woman you are right now.

It's just that I was so afraid that he wouldn't call like he promised and when he said he hadn't forgotten it didn't change the way I felt somehow.

Your feelings did not change because they have nothing to do with him.  You are looking to him to make you feel safe and whole and  to somehow manage your fears of abandonment Polly.  I get it.  I think a lot of us here get it.  It is not the way though and I know you know that.  Reading the questions you asked yourself as you posted this: 

"... .but isn't that just a projection of my mother's opinion on him?"

"... .I am trying to drown my emotions in a glass of beer and wondering if that makes me an addict like my mother"

" And yet he said he'd come over tomorrow instead of Sunday so I must have done something right, right?"

I am almost certain you see the twisted logic and reason here.  Your feelings are valid and understandable and totally natural.  It is your thought process that needs to be untwisted.  Do you still have the list of 10 forms of twisted thinking by Burns (I think that is his name?)

Put the beer down that is marked with sorrow, grief, denial and running and instead pick up a new beer that is a celebration of this day, and yesterday, that marks progress and steps towards self actualization.  Or maybe just put the beer down and do some coloring or go for a walk or play some music and dance... .

Much love to you Polly.  As always, take what fits and leave the rest cuz remember, I am on a long twisty journey as well. 

[Kwamina]

Hi polly

I am sorry you are feeling so upset, am very glad to see Harri responding to you though. I thinks she has given you some very solid advice

I'm losing control. It happens again and again.

Perhaps it will help to consider that when you are feeling like you are losing control, this does not necessarily mean that you actually are losing control. It could be a case of emotional reasoning, thinking that emotional states legitimately and accurately reflect reality. In the words of Dr. Burns:

"You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel terrified about going on airplanes. It must be very dangerous to fly." Or, "I feel guilty. I must be a rotten person." Or, "I feel angry. This proves that I'm being treated unfairly." Or, "I feel so inferior. This means I'm a second rate person." Or, "I feel hopeless. I must really be hopeless.""

I think Harri raises a very important point about scanning your thought process for possible distortions. I encourage you to take a look at these threads:

Automatic negative thoughts: Talking back to your inner critic/negative voice

Emotional reasoning: Let's take a closer look at it

I know you are already part of the discussion in that first thread, now might be a good time to revisit everything that has been said in the thread.

Take care

The Board Parrot

[unicorn2014]

Unicorn, I feel too upset to answer your questions right now but I'll do so when I'm able again. Thanks xo

Hi Polly, its ok if you don't want to answer my questions. I started reading a book called Mean Mothers by Peg Streep this weekend. I read this article called 4 lies unloving mothers tell their daughters by the author and wanted to learn more about her perspective. I hope you can find some comfort.

[Harri]

Hi Polly.  Just wondering how you are doing with all of this. 

[polly87]

Hi dear friends. Am typing on my phone atm so i wont make it long . Thanks for checking up on me harri. im not feeling well. Shivering sleepless at my bf's place at a quarter to 2 at night and have to get up at seven (which i just heard an hour ago) cause his ex is bringing the kids and shes too lazy to bring them to school herself. The randomness of this upsets me as well as my seeming powerlessness in this. It reminds me of being forced to comply with my mothers cr-p.  Why i tried dating a guy with small kids i couldnt tell you right now. I will get back to your helpful replies soon. God bless <3

[polly87]

Hi again!
Glad to say that I'm feeling a lot better than last week. It seems as if growth is not linear but has so many ups and downs. As long as the general tendency is upwards it's okay but that's hard to tell sometimes. When I posted my previous post I was in a struggle and I never seem to get a clear picture of things late at night. I must make it a goal to remember to try and stop those dark thoughts.

Harri, you are right... .it is progress that I am feeling things instead of tuning out like I used to. And I'm even by myself when I'm feeling things. I don't need the false security anymore of being in someone's presence when feeling things because I know now that I won't freak out as much as I used to. I quit the self-harm. At some point in my journey I got past the tipping point of self-acceptance and from then I found I didn't hate myself so much for feeling fear or anger... .It's so different from before.
I checked out the forms of twisted thinking and I guess my thoughts were pretty twisted. It's always easier to see after the emotion is over. I'm learning to see it too when still feeling the emotion. Telling myself things like "it's normal to feel this way in this situation" (and actually believing what I tell myself) makes it easier to untwist my thoughts. Parenting the younger self which surfaces when strong emotions come up. Accepting her fear.

Kwamina that's an interesting view you expained there. I never looked at it that way. It's true that I believe that I am losing control when I feel that I am losing control. When I posted that, one of the key moments of my childhood was replayed in my head over and over for a couple of days or maybe even weeks (I tend to lose track of such things). Somehow I managed to get past that fear and the worst is over now. Another scrap of hell has been processed and archived for good in my brain.
I've reread the two threads you mentioned and will come back to them when I can.
 
Unicorn, my ex's mother basically has all the symptoms of BPD. A shaky sense of identity (one moment she can save the world and another moment she's nothing), frantic efforts to avoid being abandoned by her two sons, splitting (my ex black, his brother white, me blackest), outbursts of anger, avoiding talking about feelings, seeing her colleagues as her BFFs, addiction, dissociation, and a comorbid depression.

Interesting thought that my ex has symptoms of NPD. To be honest I'd never thought about it. I think he's actually really insecure and it comes out in a weird way. I was with him for about three years and I've dated my current bf for two months.

My new bf's mother is afraid of emotions; I've only met her twice so I can't really say much about her current symptoms. Basically she doesn't say what she feels or what she wants but she expects us to know her mind and do what she wants, and if we don't she is silently disappointed in an annoying way. I'm relieved to say that my bf does a great job in setting boundaries. It makes things so much easier.

[polly87]

A big thank you to all of you for being there in my dark moments   

[Harri]

Hi Polly.  Thanks for the update.  I wish you were here when I read where you said that your stopped your self-harm!  I whooped, cried and laughed with joy for you.  That is the very best news.  That and the fact that you are accepting yourself as you are.  Such an important step.  One key to healing I think.

You've got this.  There may still be work to do, but you've got this.

Love,
Harri

[anyplacesafe]

Hey Polly, I just wanted to let you know that (although my advice can't top the excellent support you've received here), I am absolutely rooting for you. I believe in you. xxx

[polly87]

Hi again!

Harri, thanks so much for your kind words. You made me cry in return! 
I think you're right... .it feels like I got out on the other side of the tunnel. Ever since I decided not to try and get my ex back, it's like a switch has flipped in my head. I got my self-worth back (if I ever had it, ) and I started living my own life, just for myself and not to please anyone. So yeah, I got this. We're both badass thrivers, aren't we 

Anyplacesafe, thanks for your support. It's great to have so many people on here who understand my story and support me.

The past couple of days have been daunting but I think I did okay. My bf has two daughters, they're 4 and 7 years old and they are with him for 50% of the time. This weekend I stayed over at my bf's place for the first time while they were also there. I'd spent a couple of afternoons with them before but this was different. I was reminded of my younger self and I was stunned how different their lives are from my childhood. For instance they don't wake at the slightest sound... .there's no need for them to be afraid of their parent... .they trust that nothing will happen to them.

How different was my own childhood. I used to wait for my mother to fall asleep before I'd dare to fall asleep myself. I was afraid that she'd hurt me or leave the house for good, and I wanted to know what men she was receiving downstairs. I wasn't allowed to get upset. I was punished severely when I wet the bed. I could rarely finish my food because I was too stressed to eat most of the time. I'd just sit and read so that I wouldn't attract any attention. I would never sing or dance. And of course I was never allowed to contact my dad. Most of all, I just didn't ever feel really cheerful. I think I've never really been a kid at all.

These things saddened me and I think they still do. They kept me from sleeping and made me feel depressed. I did the good thing though, I prayed and allowed myself to cry, and then dressed myself to have breakfast at 5.30 in the morning. It was only when I got home that I realised that these feelings were the cause of my exhaustion and I haven't told my bf about it yet. But I think he'll understand. He's a good guy and he remains calm when I share my feelings, for which I'm grateful.

[Kwamina]

Hi again polly87

I can really relate to what you say about how your boyfriend's kids made you think about your own childhood. When I see children or young adults around the same age I was when I dealt with some of my mother's most extreme dysfunctional behaviors, it saddens and triggers a lot of old pain in me. The contrast between my experiences and the experiences of those children is huge and only makes me realize even more just how great the dysfunction during my childhood was.

How are things now?

It was only when I got home that I realised that these feelings were the cause of my exhaustion and I haven't told my bf about it yet. But I think he'll understand. He's a good guy and he remains calm when I share my feelings, for which I'm grateful.

Did you indeed have this conversation with your boyfriend?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[polly87]

Hi Kwamina,
The contrast between my own childhood and that of my bf's kids has kept eating at me and I've tumbled into another depression. It was not until last week that I have been able to say out loud to myself that I find the kids triggering, and I have promised myself to avoid triggers, even if they are sweet little kids. It makes me feel guilty. It also confuses me and reminds me of my mother.

I talked about my depression with my bf and he understands why I feel sad. But I keep thinking that I will ask too much at some point and he will break up with me and I will end up alone like my mother because emotions are not something that one should bother one's partner with. I know this is irrational and yet I wonder how much I should share with him. I am afraid that if he sees me depressed too often he will lose interest. My T advised me not to share too much but I'm not sure if I should hide things from my bf.

I feel exhausted and sad. I cancelled all my appointments and I quit my volunteer job.

[Kwamina]

Hi polly,

I am sorry that you are feeling this way now. Dealing with these types of thoughts and emotions definitely isn't easy.

Hi Kwamina,
The contrast between my own childhood and that of my bf's kids has kept eating at me and I've tumbled into another depression. It was not until last week that I have been able to say out loud to myself that I find the kids triggering, and I have promised myself to avoid triggers, even if they are sweet little kids. It makes me feel guilty. It also confuses me and reminds me of my mother.

I think that when you are raised by a BPD mother, it actually is quite normal to have these kinds of triggers. The fact that you are aware of them and are searching for ways to best manage them, already sets you apart from your mother. Being able to identify your triggers and take these steps is also something Pete Walker encourages:
"Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes. Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable."

But I keep thinking that I will ask too much at some point and he will break up with me and I will end up alone like my mother because emotions are not something that one should bother one's partner with. I know this is irrational and yet I wonder how much I should share with him. I am afraid that if he sees me depressed too often he will lose interest. My T advised me not to share too much but I'm not sure if I should hide things from my bf.

Perhaps you can find a certain balance that will allow you to share what's going on with you without necessarily sharing all the details with him. It is difficult I know, but if he knows you are working through certain issues through therapy, that might be all he needs and wants to know. He cares for you and has expressed an understanding of why certain things make you feel sad. The therapist is best qualified to help you with those things and your boyfriend can be a potential source of love and support to go along with that, even if he does not know all the details. Love does not need to know all the details to be able to love you anyway. Love does not judge you for feeling sad but accepts every aspect of you:
"Love suffereth long, and is kind; love envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things."

I feel exhausted and sad. I cancelled all my appointments and I quit my volunteer job.

Feeling exhausted isn't pleasant. However recognizing your exhaustion and taking a time-out can sometimes help you recharge your batteries. As you are going through this, I do want to point you to Pete Walker again:
"Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don't let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn't mean you are shameful. Educate your intimates about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them."

Reaching out here again is very positive as I believe bpdfamily can be a source of support for you. When Pete Walker talks about educating your intimates about flashbacks, that's exactly what you have done by talking to your boyfriend. Discussing these kinds of feelings is scary of course, but at least now he knows what is going on with you and why you might have seemed sad. An important thing Pete Walker mentions is to indeed take time alone when you need it, but not to let shame isolate you. No matter how you feel or what you've been through, you aren't shameful polly. I know your faith has helped you through so I want to end this post by saying you are the beloved child of your Creator

[polly87]

Hi Kwamina and a belated thanks for your excellent reply.

"Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks.

A couple of weeks back, I took a major step in avoiding triggers. I stopped sleeping over at my bf's place when the kids are there. Unfortunately this means I see much less of him.

Perhaps you can find a certain balance that will allow you to share what's going on with you without necessarily sharing all the details with him.

I'm trying to do so... .for instance, when I'm worried that he doesn't like me, I'll say to him: I'm having automatic negative thoughts again... .without specifying.  It creates a distance between me and my feelings and that makes it less mortifying to share them with him.

Lately I've been bothered by an unmanageable fear of abandonment. It gets triggered when my bf is called to work on short notice, and when he works long hours it reminds me of my ex who put work above everything else in his life. It makes me feel very small and powerless, like I felt with my mother. The fear of abandonment also gets triggered when he forgets his appointments with me. I spoke up for myself and thought that'd be the end of it, but then it happened again. All the while he says I'm important to him and he sends me hearts and kisses and all. Would that be a     ?  He's just very happy-go-lucky in all ways. It makes me wonder if I'm the right partner for him. He says he doesn't get lonely at all when I'm not there, which makes me obsess over the friends with benefits thing, and then I wonder why on earth he'd book a holiday with me in January if I'm just a f--- buddy. Kwamina, you're a man... .does all this stuff mean he's not that into me or is he just a very chaotic person who likes me after all? It's confusing and keeps me awake night after night. Sorry if this doesn't fit into this board but I just had to get it off my chest.

[HappyChappy]

Hi Polly,

Speaking as a man, I would say the behaviour you describe suggest you bf is keen on you. Booking a holiday and love harts (from a man) is serious commitment. None of the behaviour you mention I would take as a reason for him to be thinking of moving on. His comment about not being lonely, maybe means he’s comfortable with his own company, I often don’t feel lonely when my partner isn't there, it’s no reflection on her.

It is only natural that we kids of BPD fear abandonment, its what our BPD try to encourage. But if you identify the triggers, then that should tell you that it’s a  triggered thought that needs adjusting. Whenever I get triggered I simply remind myself that that was my mother, no one else. My BPD mother. And I would want any BPD to leave me alone (abandon me) so the trigger has value. But your bf doesn’t sound BPD so why would he act like you mother ? Just keep reminding yourself it was just your BPD not anyone else.  

[Kwamina]

Hi polly

I stopped sleeping over at my bf's place when the kids are there. Unfortunately this means I see much less of him.

This is a big change indeed. How did your boyfriend respond to this decision you made?

Lately I've been bothered by an unmanageable fear of abandonment.
... .
He says he doesn't get lonely at all when I'm not there

I am very sorry you are finding yourself getting triggered so. Even when we on a rational level know that our fears might be irrational and not reflective of our current reality, this does not necessarily change the intensity of the emotions we experience.

What does being lonely represent to you? When I read the entirety of your post I think what you say here is that when he isn't around you feel triggered because of your past experiences. Do you perhaps find it strange that your boyfriend does not get triggered in the same way when you aren't around?

We often talk about codependence on  bpdfamily but there is also such a thing as interdependence. While codependence is about two dependent people, interdependence is actually about two independent people who come together because they want to and not because they need to. They come together because they enjoy each other's company and not because they need the other to manage their emotions or to stop from feeling lonely.

We all have different backgrounds and your boyfriend might not have had the same experiences you have had causing him to react differently to situations than you might do. This however does not have to mean that he does not love you. In fact, in interdependent relationships the people often do not get lonely, yet still want to spend a lot of time with each other. So I think the absence of loneliness probably isn't an indicator of the love someone has for us, but more an indicator of someone's independence which would allow that person to engage in interdependent relationships opening up a pathway to the highest forms of love and intimacy.

Just some male parrot's perspectives

[polly87]

Hi Happy Chappy and Kwamina,
Thanks a lot for your male perspectives     

Speaking as a man, I would say the behaviour you describe suggest you bf is keen on you.

Well that's a relief... .I still find it hard to understand what kind of behaviour is "normal" in a relationship. My ex was all about fusing the self with the other and my bf’s behaviour is still new to me.

Just keep reminding yourself it was just your BPD not anyone else

I tried this and sometimes it keeps the worries at bay. I try to remind myself that my father was taken away from me and my mother was emotionally and often physically absent and that's why I get triggered. It's got nothing to do with the present... .but sometimes I can't stop the thoughts and I worry through the night about what I would like to change about my r/s.

How did your boyfriend respond to this decision you made?

We haven't actually talked about it except that I've said that I've been feeling tired and gloomy lately and don't want to get woken at six in the morning by two hyperactive kids. He doesn't seem to have an opinion on it.

What does being lonely represent to you? When I read the entirety of your post I think what you say here is that when he isn't around you feel triggered because of your past experiences. Do you perhaps find it strange that your boyfriend does not get triggered in the same way when you aren't around?

To me, being lonely means not being loved. The thoughts run along these lines: if my partner loves me, he doesn’t want to be apart from me for days or weeks. If my friends like me, they want to catch up with me over a cup of coffee. And if they don’t like me or love me, they find other things more important: work, their children, their hobbies... .So when I haven’t seen anyone for a week or so, and they don’t have the time to meet me, I start to feel very lonely. For me, loneliness is linked to existential fears. It makes me feel like I’m wasting my life away. Like I’m just waiting for it to pass.
I tend to forget that other people don’t necessarily get lonely. They may be comfortable on their own. I don’t understand why they want to meet people at all then. If you don’t get lonely, why would you want to see anyone? This is what I don’t understand about my bf. I haven’t discussed it with him.

In fact, in interdependent relationships the people often do not get lonely, yet still want to spend a lot of time with each other. So I think the absence of loneliness probably isn't an indicator of the love someone has for us, but more an indicator of someone's independence which would allow that person to engage in interdependent relationships opening up a pathway to the highest forms of love and intimacy.

Thank you for this hopeful view. Lately I’ve been worried that my bf’s independence may be greater than his interdependence. I was going to open a new topic on it but it might as well fit in here as it’s also about emotional flashbacks.

There are four important factors in my r/s and they are blurring into each other and my mind is making a mess of it all. There are:
The kids
My bf’s feelings: independence and his occasional need of emotional bonding
My feelings: fear of abandonment and occasional acceptance of the present
My bf’s work.

Let’s start with the thing that embarrasses me. The kids. They are the most important thing in my bf’s life and I think they’re very lucky. I can only wish I’d had a parent like that. They’re at my bf’s place three to five days each week. And when the kids are there, they’re the centre of attention. I can’t get a word in edgewise. I must say I like them, even though I’m not comfortable with kids. They also like me. We like baking cookies and cycling together. But their presence eats at my soul and the longer I’m there, the more I fall into vague emotional flashbacks of my youth. I’m also very, very jealous of the attention the kids are getting. This has made me avoid visiting my bf when they’re there, except when the activities are orderly and defined, such as having lunch together and walking them to school. I also avoid calling my bf when the kids are there, because he won’t be able to concentrate on the call.

Mysteriously, the three of them all sleep in the same large bed at the same time. I don’t know if this is because my bf’s depression makes him tired very early, or because of another reason. (Btw I’m absolutely sure he doesn’t touch them.) I made him buy a second double bed to sleep in with me, because I don’t want to sleep in the kids’ bedroom. When I go upstairs, I’m triggered when I see “our” bed hasn’t been used in my absence. It reminds me of my mother who forced me to sleep with her even in my early twenties. It makes me think that all my bf cares about is the kids, just like all my mother cared about was me, and she didn’t want a r/s because I was sufficient for her. I’ve left my bf’s place couple of times because of these flashbacks.

Then there’s my bf’s feelings. He’s a good man and we have a lot of common interests. If we talk about feelings, we understand (but not often agree with) each other. He likes being alone or with his kids. We meet once or twice a week, and we don’t always sleep over. When I kiss him too often, he backs away and says he doesn’t like being touched. But he used to like it in the beginning. I’m afraid to talk about the distance between us, because I’m afraid to lose him. I really like him, but my feelings have decreased in the last couple of weeks because I saw so little of him. I guess I’ll have to talk with him about this, but it touches my greatest wound and I’ve postponed it for months. It reminds me of when my parents divorced and I thought that my dad left me because he didn’t love me, and my mother turned out not to love me either.

As for my own feelings, they’re not too pretty. I suffer from increasing fear of abandonment and am turning into myself. I’m afraid to share my feelings with him because I think it’ll drive him away from me. It’s safer to keep him at a distance if I don’t want to lose him. I’m starting to feel like my bf’s becoming just a friend – I share more feelings with my aunt or my best friend at the moment. I’d want to discuss this with my T but the next session is only in January and I’m considering finding myself a new T because I’m frustrated of him not being available when I need him. The irony of it!

And then there’s my bf’s work. He’s got a temporary job this month (thank God it’s nearly December) and works irregular hours. And this reminds me, really, really, really strongly, of my ex ‘s and my mother’s addiction to work. Waiting hours for my ex to come home, waiting at four in the morning for him to finish work, being stuck in a place where I had no friends while he worked during the weekend, my mother not being available when I needed her, always finding herself more important than me... .It makes me feel beyond unimportant. I feel thrown away, like garbage. The old abandonment issues again. They keep up space in my head and seem to have got squatters’ rights after all this time.

So what does Polly do? Avoid. Avoid my bf on all days he has to work, in order not to have to wait for him to come home. Adding that to the days I avoid him because of the kids, you can see why I haven’t seen a lot of him lately. It’s not his fault, I know that, but I also know that I am f... .ing up this r/s big time. And I want to stop it before I break up with him because of my own issues.

If you’re still there, thank you for reading. I feel like I’m about to snap like a twig in a storm. The storm being the PTSD.

[polly87]

Now that I've reread my reply, I'm considering if I should let my bf read it- it's easier to convey my feelings by written words... .