Got triggered by emotional flashback.

[Kwamina]

If you’re still there, thank you for reading.

Yes, I'm still here!

Being an Analytic Parrot I must say I like this solid analysis you've made of the factors that are negatively affecting you

Changing everything at once can be quite difficult and also very ovwerwhelming. But when you break it down in little pieces and take it one little step at a time, I see a possibility for you to navigate your way through and out of this raging storm.

There are four important factors in my r/s and they are blurring into each other and my mind is making a mess of it all. There are:
The kids
My bf’s feelings: independence and his occasional need of emotional bonding
My feelings: fear of abandonment and occasional acceptance of the present
My bf’s work.

My advice would be to pick one of these four things and try to let yourself sit with the intense emotions of fear just for a little while and the next time again, perhaps a little longer and the next even a little longer and keep repeating this until you are able to embrace your fear and sit through it without letting yourself be overwhelmed by it. If you are able to do that, you can then move on to the next thing you fing yourself struggling with. It is a process, and it is hard, but since you are fighting to save polly  I definitely think it is worth it

If you’re still there, thank you for reading. I feel like I’m about to snap like a twig in a storm. The storm being the PTSD.

It's tough feeling this way. You have already come through many storms though and are still here fighting polly  To quote Emily Dickinson who is very respected in the parrot world:

“Hope” is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops - at all

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Polly,

I know I'm chiming in here extra late.
Just wanted to share something that stuck out to me in reading... .

I see so much insight and self reflecting.
Yet, I also wonder when it is that you would trust yourself?  Trust your instinct on something?

I'm not saying it is wrong for your BF to sleep in the bed with the two kids, however, for me there are some things you describe that could be triggering to me about the dynamic.  (Hard to say as I am not there seeing it, but yea).  

Sure, triggering because of my own issues, however, just because something causes a hyper physiological response in me does not mean that there is zero validity in me feeling something isn't right here, and giving that part credit too.

So I guess I would have to sort out "my stuff" / my trigger from the situation and then determine what my gut was saying also.

I guess I am just saying... .
That in your diligence with self reflecting... .
I hope you are also able to listen to your intuition, instinct, gut, etc.  And not allow self criticism or reflection to drown it out.

... .

I know for me, I suppressed my gut in my last relationship.
I blamed my discomfort all on my past and excused his parentifying, overly doting behaviors as a newly divorced dad feeling guilt.
It really doesn't matter if he is a newly divorced dad. He still was elevating the status of his relationship with his daughter above that of a partner, had her on a pedestal.  (More than parentifying? Maybe like he looked to her as an authority?)

I thought once we all lived together, like a married couple, got our own place, he would then treat me like his partner.  

My value is: I believe the partnership between the adults of the relationship is the foundation of raising the kids.

I raised my own son, as a single mom, quite aware of teaching him boundaries so that merging with a man eventually, he would not appear like a burden to the guy, or my son feel like he got down sized in his status.  I taught him to ask permission to enter my bedroom, he knocks, etc.  Where as exBF daughter had no sense of boundaries and well, this is because dad's values were not mine.  

(i would feel really uncomfortable sleeping there with kids that expected dad to sleep with them.  Even if dad slept with me those nights, not the kids, it being because i am there, really wouldn't sit right with me.)

(Idk, just my opinion, but a guy still sleeping with kids really isn't making room for his next partner to easily transition into the mix.  That would be a big issue for me.  I would not even want to point it out cause that is just a result of his mind set and would not address how he is making daily decisions in other ways.)

While my BF would verbally express the same value as I, in reality, in his behavior, he was never treating me like a partner.  More like a tool so that he could provide his daughter a female and appear like an in tact unit.  I had this sense the first year, but thought time as a divorced dad, would dampen his excessive doting. Not feeling like our Partnership was the foundation of our family, continued to be a struggle 5 yrs later... .as he continued to over dote on a teenage girl who was using the power dynamic to her advantage, and suffering.

Anyway, just my long winded way of suggesting the possibility of listening to your instincts.

Maybe you are, idk, just sayin.

[Kwamina]

Hi again polly

So I guess I would have to sort out "my stuff" / my trigger from the situation and then determine what my gut was saying also.

I guess I am just saying... .
That in your diligence with self reflecting... .
I hope you are also able to listen to your intuition, instinct, gut, etc.  And not allow self criticism or reflection to drown it out.

I just want to say that I really really like Sunfl0wer's advice

I think Sunfl0wer's comments concerning your boyfriend about making room for a next partner are spot on too and remind me of the lessons that can be found on the ':)ating' board:

Make Your Life Love-Friendly
... .
We can get set in our ways and beliefs, and our lives might become a little too crowded for true love to find its way in. Some of us have healing to do. All of us need to make our lives “love-friendly.”
... .
Gently look around your life for ways that you might be preventing love from finding you. Then make a choice to uncover beliefs, behaviors, and stuff that no longer serve you. Clean up what you no longer need, get your life in the best order possible, and you will find yourself getting ready for a great relationship. This will open the doors and the windows to love and begin to truly open your heart as well.

You also mentioned your boyfriend’s depression, almost missed it but glad I saw it now. Is he being treated for it? How long has he been dealing with depression?