Ending the torture

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I’ve completely messed up.

I was feeling stronger for ignoring some nonsensical baiting text messages the last few days. I even told my sister that for the first time in ages I felt hope for my future. Accept, I kept getting a feeling that he would call and he did, before I even picked it up I knew it was him. I wanted it to be him, but I was fearful and wary. He wanted to know how I was, asked after my family, etc,. I was noncommittal, didn’t tell him very much and couldn’t speak much. He kept asking me if I was ok, said I sounded down and was I on antidepressants! Who asks someone that! He seemed happy, said he’d been talking about me that day and wanted to see how I was. Nothing about his previous texts. He finished the conversation saying that if I ever need anything he’s there for me. Which is a huge joke. Cue tears.

Not ten minutes later he called again from his mobile. I picked up, but something went wrong and it disconnected. He left a message saying he was in his car, on his way out (Saturday night) and it crossed my mind that he knew this information would hurt me (thoughts of him with other women). Sounds paranoid, but based on the past he’d do this. He sounded very cheerful, a bit manic really, waffled on about having inside tips on who was going to win the US election and for me to place a bet. It was as if he was calling an old friend. It hurt badly. I sobbed and instead of stepping back sent him a text:

“I’m really not sure why you called. I haven’t listened to your message (a lie). Please don’t call anymore”.

His reply: “I won’t then. Listen to the message. It’s not about us".

Then another: “I called because I care and ALWAYS will".

This time I did step back and chose not to say anymore, but I cried my heart out. I have no idea what he wanted, but I’ve clearly been on his mind for a few days. All I know is how wretched I feel with thoughts running around my head. I want to know the reason he rang, was it to be friends because I could never be his friend watching him run around with other women? Does he want me back? Doesn't seem like it. Was he testing the water? Have I wrecked any chance of him trying again? Was he just coming back to ‘check the body’ as one friend put it?

I’m tempted to contact him to get some answers. Ask him what he wants and if he says friendship then I go completely NC, stop looking back, stop hoping and get on with the rest of my life. I don’t think he wants me back, not in the sense that I would want. He just wants me there, in the background, someone to take things from when he feels the need.

Shall I just try to get some answers and then be brave and end this torture? Why can't I make the call myself? Take control of my life and end it properly myself. What's wrong with me and why am I still hanging on?

[Larmoyant]

I’ve completely messed up.

I was feeling stronger for ignoring some nonsensical baiting text messages the last few days. I even told my sister that for the first time in ages I felt hope for my future. Accept, I kept getting a feeling that he would call and he did, before I even picked it up I knew it was him. I wanted it to be him, but I was fearful and wary. He wanted to know how I was, asked after my family, etc,. I was noncommittal, didn’t tell him very much and couldn’t speak much. He kept asking me if I was ok, said I sounded down and was I on antidepressants! Who asks someone that! He seemed happy, said he’d been talking about me that day and wanted to see how I was. Nothing about his previous texts. He finished the conversation saying that if I ever need anything he’s there for me. Which is a huge joke. Cue tears.

Not ten minutes later he called again from his mobile. I picked up, but something went wrong and it disconnected. He left a message saying he was in his car, on his way out (Saturday night) and it crossed my mind that he knew this information would hurt me (thoughts of him with other women). Sounds paranoid, but based on the past he’d do this. He sounded very cheerful, a bit manic really, waffled on about having inside tips on who was going to win the US election and for me to place a bet. It was as if he was calling an old friend. It hurt badly. I sobbed and instead of stepping back sent him a text:

“I’m really not sure why you called. I haven’t listened to your message (a lie). Please don’t call anymore”.

His reply: “I won’t then. Listen to the message. It’s not about us".

Then another: “I called because I care and ALWAYS will".

This time I did step back and chose not to say anymore, but I cried my heart out. I have no idea what he wanted, but I’ve clearly been on his mind for a few days. All I know is how wretched I feel with thoughts running around my head. I want to know the reason he rang, was it to be friends because I could never be his friend watching him run around with other women? Does he want me back? Doesn't seem like it. Was he testing the water? Have I wrecked any chance of him trying again? Was he just coming back to ‘check the body’ as one friend put it?

I’m tempted to contact him to get some answers. Ask him what he wants and if he says friendship then I go completely NC, stop looking back, stop hoping and get on with the rest of my life. I don’t think he wants me back, not in the sense that I would want. He just wants me there, in the background, someone to take things from when he feels the need.

Shall I just try to get some answers and then be brave and end this torture? Why can't I make the call myself? Take control of my life and end it properly myself. What's wrong with me and why am I still hanging on?

[Mutt]

Hi Larmoyant,

I don't think that there's anything wrong with you. Are You questioning yourself if You meant something? I asked myself that question my exBPDw quickly attached herself to her boyfriend, did a 180 and left our marriage and didn't give me answer. I warned her that she wasn't looking at the bigger picture and how her choices are going to impact everyone in the family, she wasn't thinking things through. It was jarring with how she idealized her boyfriend and ignore everyone else, the kids and I felt it,  the kids wanted their old family back, I processed the loss. My ex can't process grief or validate how her choices impacted me.

It sounds like you may be looking to validate or looking for closure?

[Larmoyant]

I'm trying to let go, but I keep hoping that he'll want to come back again. It's all a great big mess. I ended it because he was using me. Saying he loved me one minute, wanting to marry me, but his actions didn't match his words. I couldn't take it anymore. Even the break-up which was prolonged was all about push/pull. He doesn't know what he wants. I tried getting a straight answer, but it never seems to work. I keep wanting to get a straight answer. He's back now trying to get my attention. Says if I need anything he's there for me. Says he will ALWAYS care. It throws me into confusion because of all the recycles. I think he wants me again, but just as quickly the thought strikes me that no, he doesn't. He's playing with me again. I'm his puppet. I am and I need to take the reins of my own life and I can't seem to do it.

[Mutt]

He's playing with me again. I'm his puppet. I am and I need to take the reins of my own life and I can't seem to do it.

Self protection. I think that letting go starts with self protection, no contact, a buffer, adequate distance and time to heal our emotional wounds.

[Larmoyant]

I’m torn and I’m scared of no contact, scared to close the door, because what if, what if it could work?

[Mutt]

You recycled the relationship. No judgement here. What's changed when you've gone back? Maybe try something different, a temporary measure, you can go no contact until you've reached a point where you feel better and then contact? It's not a hard and fast rule. You may find yourself thinking differently about him later on.

[myself]

If it's possible for the r/s to work, a bit of time and distance won't change that.

I agree with Mutt, it'll give you a chance to breathe/ regroup/ find balance.

Says if I need anything he's there for me.

He was already there. Were your needs met then? What are the chances now?

[DazedD40]

See this is what my ex has just put me through. I'm on week 6 since the split from my ex, where the first 3 weeks were pure hell. During week 3 I fixed up a little bit, put on my, I'm fine, mask and off I went about sorting myself out. During that time I got the silent treatment and I refused to initiate any contact which must have driven her crazy as all of a sudden she comes running back, opening forms of communication with me and she then fired up her dyson in an attempt to lure me back in to the emotional mindfield. We met up on a few occasions, ended up back in the bedroom and although I thought I was strong enough to see what was happening before I knew it I was back to thinking, what if, what if we could work this all out and get back together. As you found though this was all a game backed up with no action apart from sex which comes easily to her. She'll have sex with anyone so I knew that for her there was no attachment involved for her.

I didn't dig for any closure as she offered up her reasons without me asking and it was all about me, my faults and how they come to bring her to decide she wanted out yet she apparently still loves me, misses me, I'm the most important person in her life, she needs me in her life blah blah blah. Passive aggressive the whole way through her story. No apology for the hurt she had caused, no understanding of the hurt nor any remorse. I've given up on ever getting closure as I know I'll never get the truth nor will I ever confront ger over her actions and behaviours. I know deep down my gut told me everything I need to know, it just saddens me I was foolish in ignoring it.

Communication sucked me back in and I gave my control and power back which as a result set me back a huge amount. I have only just started no contact with her and although all i want is to talk to her, work it out, get back together I know that if I break it no contact I will end up in a world of pain that's more painful than cutting her out of my life. The confusion, hurt has to stop as its been eating me whole and if I allow that to happen I am allowing her to destroy me.

I'm not sure what to suggest you do and as a newbie I don't feel qualified to make suggestions on what someone should do however I can share my experience. I need to stay away to heal and stop the madness that this causes us as outlined in your post.

[rfriesen]

Larmoyant,

I think many of us here can relate to that absolute dread of closing the door, of taking control back and moving on with our lives. Think of how much control you're giving him, though. He reaches out to you in a way that's friendly on the surface, but leaves you hurt and wondering what his point really was. It's possible he misses you and is testing you, but is too scared/can't be bothered to express that in an open, honest comforting way. This is the problem so many of us have faced -- they'll reach out in ambiguous ways from across an ocean of hurt and mistrust, and expect us to do all the work of pulling them out. You're holding onto a remote possibility that if you make one more effort, make yourself vulnerable and available one more time, he just might reciprocate and hold onto you too. You know, nothing is impossible in life and we only know what you've posted of your story. But it doesn't sound like your ex is ready or willing to make any kind of open and serious effort with you.

There's nothing wrong with wanting answers and wanting an open and honest conversation after the end of a relationship, especially endings as hurtful as we've experienced with our partners (hence why we're all here on this site). You should respect the desire you have for answers and for openness. I think that's a healthy desire and it's what provides couples with closure when they go through a normal or "healthy" break-up. But your ex may not be willing or able to give you that. As you say yourself, your ex seems to be using your desire to "torture" you.

Whatever you choose to do, remember to be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up for being hurt or wanting openness and kindness from your ex. Those are healthy desires. The context in which you're feeling them may not be.

[heartandwhole]

I’m torn and I’m scared of no contact, scared to close the door, because what if, what if it could work?

Hi Larmoyant,

You are using hope here to avoid facing the pain of losing him. I understand, I've been there, and it really hurts, especially since deep inside I knew that that kind of hope was futile and keeping me stuck. It's as if we'd rather be hurt by someone and something we know, than by the unknown he! that we think we're going to descend into if we let go.

Be gentle with yourself. There may come a moment when the hope is gone. When that moment came for me, I was set free. I am so grateful for that moment.

We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

[Raspberry]

Hi I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time and I think many of us can relate to the pattern of being sucked back into contact as we are very fearful of letting go and when our relationship was lovely  it was lovely! We often look back with rose tinted spectacles of how it wass, often forgetting that awful days and weeks also occurred.

If you cut contact now then yes that is going to hurt like hell at the moment but you can start to heal now rather than many months down the line being in the same situation I am going through the same thing at the moment and I wanted to reach out to you! Sending hugs xx

[Larmoyant]

Reading all these responses has made me realise that I’ve allowed myself to be pulled right back in. I was doing relatively well, stepping back, beginning to want closure. One phone call from him ignited hope. I hate it. It’s the cause of all my pain and it’s my downfall. 

heartandwhole, you wrote “You are using hope here to avoid facing the pain of losing him”. As soon as I read those words the tears started flowing. I endured horrible abuse from him for over two years, and I think hope is why. How do I lose hope? How do I give it up?

rfriesen, This “You're holding onto a remote possibility that if you make one more effort, make yourself vulnerable and available one more time, he just might reciprocate and hold onto you too” is what I’m doing  :'( I agree, he’s not making any serious effort, but then I know he’s immature, maybe too scared to risk it, which keeps me hanging on! I’m so confused because he may not have been wanting to reconnect at all. Maybe just wanted to hear my voice, he’s done that before, and then again he may well have contacted me to torment me. Sounds crazy I know, but it isn’t. He has tormented me time and time again and sometimes it was deliberate. I’m confused.

Dazed, thank you for sharing. I too feel like I gave up my hard won control. I spent most of the day  trying to work out what he wants. I feel manipulated, emotionally tormented, and drawn back in. I seriously believe that all he wanted was to hear me. Have contact, any contact and that satisfied him for a while. I’ve exhausted myself trying to work out what his words mean, aching to find some hope in there.  He wrote “I called because I care and ALWAYS will”. Who knows if he meant it or not. Maybe he did. Maybe I should take it at face value and think nothing else.  All I really know is his behaviour isn’t that of someone who cares and it never was.

Myself, my needs were barely considered and the chances that he’ll ever consider them remains the same. I know this, but for some reason it doesn’t stop me hoping 

. 

Mutt, nothing much changed when I went back accept more false promises to keep me around. I did try to set boundaries, e.g. I’d leave when he raged, but I found myself leaving more and more. My tolerance got less and less until I finally couldn’t bear it anymore. I get it about self-protective behaviours and have been trying, but I slipped up, allowed myself to get drawn back in. I’ve stepped back again now. This is another reminder of what’s in store should I re-engage. Maybe tomorrow I will see sense and change my number.

Raspberry,  I’m so very sorry for your pain. Cue tears again, but thank you so very  much for reaching out to me. Kindness makes me sob nowadays. I’ve taken on board what you say about NC. I’m going to try, thank you. 

[Raspberry]

I'm in the same situation, here if you nedd to talk x 

[rfriesen]

Larmoyant, it's normal to be pulled back in and have to learn the same lesson over and over again before it starts to sink in. I know that's how it was for me. These relationships are addictive, and I would find myself expending so much energy trying to make sense of what was going on inside my ex's mind. That's a real sinkhole. The one realisation that has helped me is seeing - but really seeing - that my ex's motivations and personality aren't stable. She might absolutely mean something in the moment - she loves me desperately, will do anything to fix things - but she can't hold onto that. And I'm not able to repair that or stabilise her. It just didn't work. It makes it so hard to pull away, because what they say can feel so real. And, again, I believe my ex's pain and love and heartache were often very sincerely expressed in the moment. In the moment though. For me, that's what makes closing the door so incredibly hard. But it finally sunk in that I could not fix things for my ex. I truly hope that someday she gains the insight and the will to begin dealing with all her pain and anger and fear. Sometimes I still feel a surge of anger and bitterness, but at bottom I'd like her to get better and be happy. I can't do that for her though, so I'm doing my best to move on with my life. Believe me, I know the physical and emotional ache you're experiencing and just typing this still brings tears to my eyes too.

Take good care of yourself.

[rfriesen]

but then I know he’s immature, maybe too scared to risk it, which keeps me hanging on! I’m so confused because he may not have been wanting to reconnect at all. Maybe just wanted to hear my voice, he’s done that before, and then again he may well have contacted me to torment me. Sounds crazy I know, but it isn’t. He has tormented me time and time again and sometimes it was deliberate. I’m confused.

I meant to highlight this in particular -- this is exactly what I can relate to. My ex is immature and in moments she seems to have insight into this and almost pleads with me to pull her out of her childishness and give her a chance at lasting happiness. But she is so incredibly terrified of trusting and believing in anything, she soon recoils and sabotages the relationship, as if she's trying to convince herself she doesn't need to believe in commitment or to truly trust another person ... .so she runs off chasing highs and attention elsewhere. I have no doubt that one side of her is a scared, lonely girl who wants to let herself trust someone. She's revealed that often enough and with such desperation that it's not purely an act. No one who isn't holding a lot of pain and fear would act in such a confusing and hurtful way to someone who loves her. But she is simply not in a place where she's ready or comfortable identifying with that part of herself, at least not for more than isolated moments. It's truly the most heartbreaking thing I've ever experienced. But it's also truly a sinkhole and I will lose myself if I try any longer to reach her. I simply try to move on with my life, trusting that I will recover in time and learn a lot about myself in the process. And I pray that she eventually begins to heal too.

I've rambled on to share a bit of my story, as that helps me too. I really just wanted to say that I know what you're feeling. I've been there. I'm still there more often than I would like -- but it does get better. With time and focus on yourself ... it might seem like it takes forever, but it will get better.  

[heartandwhole]

heartandwhole, you wrote “You are using hope here to avoid facing the pain of losing him”. As soon as I read those words the tears started flowing. I endured horrible abuse from him for over two years, and I think hope is why. How do I lose hope? How do I give it up?

I don't know. I think it was more like hope gave me up. One day, after he was triggered by past trauma and broke up with/rejected me yet again (there was always a different reason), something inside of me just knew. I think the reality of the situation, of the disorder, of my unhealthy behavior, all just hit me square in the face. And the dream crashed and burned right then. It sent me to a place of deep despair and pain. But I needed it; I'm grateful now, because I've grown and learned more about myself and other people and relationships in general.

I wish there were a magic formula that made letting go easier, Larmoyant, but I don't know of one.  :'(  My advice is to uncouple your feelings from him and your relationship with him. Be with these feelings; feel them, investigate them, trace them back to their source. This relationship is triggering something in you that really, really needs attention. It might help to visualize your turbulent emotions as a part of you asking for love and recognition. Right now, you need give that attention to yourself, not him. He can't save you from this hurt; he isn't capable. But you can. And if you don't yet know how to do that (I didn't and my therapist helped me), you can learn.

My sense is that you have already turned the corner, Larmoyant, and these emotions are the death throes of a vulnerable child inside who doesn't want to accept the truth. I say that because I've been there, and I am not one to let go easily at all.  

What do you think?

heartandwhole