My first post...and I have just broken away from him

[Amber2016]

I have been on here a fair bit, but never managed to post, although I have been in private therapy since Christmas. SO not diagnosed BPD but every symptom fits. We even went to couple therapy when he admitted he is not okay, and he actually showed his other self to the therapist. I've wondered whether it's BPD, an abusive relationship or he is a sociopath. It doesn't quite feel abusive. I always had the feeling he was doing his best but he just couldn't be like 'normal' people. Didn't feel emotion the same way, but yet was evidently very sensitive at times. Today after 18 months it got to the point where I thought some very dark thoughts, but it passed without me acting on it, and I realised I was going to seriously hurt myself if it carried on. I even tried to talk to him and he just projected and was more abusive,told me I am nothing and that I should harm myself. I know hell be back and feel guilty but. So, my first post may be my last, as I try to move on and stay emotionally safe from someone I love a great deal, it's  tough, but I am not resilient enough for this. Thanks for reading.

[Mutt]

Hi Amber2016,



I'm sorry that you're going through this. Breaking up with an SO with BPD is confusing, sad and painful. I can relate with feeling really low right after my ex left. I felt like I didn't know how I'd survive the break-up, it helps to talk to people that have shared similar experiences, we can offer guidance and support.

Do you have kids? Are you living together, did you leave? I'm glad that you decided to join us. This is a safe place where you can express yourself without judgement. Welcome to the family.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY AMBER 2013: 

         

Today after 18 months it got to the point where I thought some very dark thoughts, but it passed without me acting on it, and I realized I was going to seriously hurt myself if it carried on. I even tried to talk to him and he just projected and was more abusive,told me I am nothing and that I should harm myself

Do you have someone to call when you get dark thoughts (family or friend)?  I'm so glad that the thoughts passed without you acting on them.  It is a horrible thing for an SO to tell you that you should harm yourself. 

You need to make your safety and well being your priority. You deserve an SO who treats you well.  Do you plan to discuss these events in your next therapy session?  Be sure and come back and let us know you are safe.  There are a lot of helpful people here who care about your welfare.

[Amber2016]

Thank you both for the kind replies. It isn't really like me to take steps to do something like that. I have a good support network of friends who have never tried to make me leave him, but who have seen it isn't healthy, and we also have mutual friends who helped us get together but no longer speak to him as they later saw some of his episodes and benders, and feared for my sanity. He comes across as incredibly bright, shy and kind but cant cope with more than a couple of hours with people as he finds it exhausting 'putting on the act of what he thinks they want him to be'- the chameleon/ feeling he doesn't have a personality. So at least I dont feel like I'm losing my marbles completely.

We don't live together or have children, which does make it a lot easier, and i have a good therapist. The hard part is when he starts acting as though everything is normal, and goes into denial. He almost never apologises anymore, instead he goes into frantic cooking mode. The more guilty he feels, the more he cooks. If I stop him cooking its like I stop the process and he cant cope. Sometimes its easier just to have a nice time with the person you miss and then before you know it you are back together. Especially because I personally hate bad feeling and will try to put things back together even if it wasn't my fault. Then from being happy suddenly out comes the three year old child who just wants to throw things (metaphorically but rarely, physically). He believes that my love is unconditional, even when he is shouting that I don't love him, and he once said that I will always take him back... .so I don't think I could bear to see the after math of when he realises the door is no longer open. I also have a slight fear of what he might do to get revenge when he feels abandoned. Last night he said he was recording our phone call so he has 'evidence of how mental I was'. He also told me that he had had an appointment with a Dr that day, who told him that the relationship was making him ill. He was in full on episode mode and I can see how he was projecting, as i was trying to tell him how low i was before he said it. If i am upset with something external he's usually very thoughtful and caring, but if it is he or the relationship which upsets me, he's like a shark thats smelled blood and he suddenly becomes suddenly so mercilessly cruel and heartless, to the extent that he tells me I'm nothing and should apologise for my own existence. That he should throw me off a cliff was another one. If i cry, he will accuse me of turning on the waterworks, and tells me I'm not really upset, its just an act. Strangely, alcohol seems to alter his responses. Whereas a lot of people get aggressive, he becomes incredibly loving and appreciative, and gushes about his past misdemeanors and how much I mean to him.So there is a conscience.

I can't imagine how you move forward and have a healthy relationship after this. But i know it happens. At present i kind of feel like damaged goods. I'm sure ill learn a lot from the boards here. X

[heartandwhole]

Hi Amber2016,

This is such a tough position to be in. I'm sorry that things feel so dire right now. I'm so glad that you decided to post and are safe right now. Please reach out to friends/your therapist/here whenever you feel low. We are here to listen and offer support.

During my relationship with pwBPD I became so worn down, just absolutely exhausted from the quick turnabouts in our relationship and from trying to jump through hoops to keep it alive and him happy and close to me. After our breakup, I felt depressed and as if life weren't worth living. It wasn't just about him; the relationship dynamics opened up old wounds from my childhood that needed attention. I was grieving many, many losses, not just the relationship.

There are many members here who have felt the way you do. And as you may have seen, the site has lots of resources to help things get better.

Keep writing, Amber2016, and let us know how we can best support you. We care.  

heartandwhole

[Amber2016]

Thanks. It's surprised me how much better I feel just for posting on here and realising that I'm not in it alone-and that I'm not bonkers! And really impressed with how the forum is run. x

[irishmarmot]

Hi you are going through the hardest part right now, it's only going to get better as the days, weeks, months go on.  Being in therapy helps as well as doing the things that the forum suggests.  Well it helped me anyway i just got back from a camping trip this weekend and feel great! The forum suggested to pursue my passions.  It will help you also.  After my breakup it was so hard not to think about her but eventually the hold she had on me disappeared.  It will happen for you too! Keep posting and good luck!

[Amber2016]

Thanks. Thats a good idea. x

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY AMBER2016:   

I'm glad that you are feeling better and came back to chat.  Many of us need a little help to pull us out of a dark place occasionally.

Irishmarmot is right, it does help to keep busy and get involved in something. Do you have any hobbies or is there some hobby you want to get involved in (i.e. photography)?  Getting some form of exercise is helpful.  I find when I take my dog and go for a long walk at a favorite park, I always feel better afterwards.  I usually take a camera and I never know what interesting subjects I find to photograph.

Sometimes, our minds can seem to have a traffic jam of thoughts.  A lot of people have beneficial outcomes from practicing some form of meditation.  The most basic form, is informal mindfulness.  I've attached an instruction sheet.  It is associated with the book

The Happiness Trap (Based on ACT Therapy).  I asked my therapist for some book recommendations and The Happiness Trap was one of them.

I'm working on the Mindfulness Exercise this week myself and plan to use it during a walk, gardening and then a nice bath (with lavendar, epsom salts and some favorite mellow music, maybe even nature sounds)

www.thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/Informal_Mindfulness_Exercises.pdf.

Are you doing any jouraling?

Hang in there. With the help of your friends, therapist and people here, you're going to get through this.

[e-Craig]

I try to move on and stay emotionally safe from someone I love a great deal, it's  tough, but I am not resilient enough for this.

Are you saying you aren't resilient enough to be in the relationship, or you aren't resilient enough for the breakup?

[Amber2016]

I try to move on and stay emotionally safe from someone I love a great deal, it's  tough, but I am not resilient enough for this.

Are you saying you aren't resilient enough to be in the relationship, or you aren't resilient enough for the breakup?

Not resilient enough for the relationship, but well spotted, perhaps there was an element of freudian slip there.