Help

[atomic popsicles]

I don't know if I can make it through this. My stbx husband hates me based on a psychotic delusion combined with his BPD. I miss him so much I am physically hurting. Unlike most of you, he isn't trying the recycle thing. His last words were "I don't want to be married. You only want to cage me. I never want to see you again. Leave me alone."

For a codependent spouse with abandonment issues... .it's too much.

[Herodias]

I don't know if I can make it through this. My stbx husband hates me based on a psychotic delusion combined with his BPD. I miss him so much I am physically hurting. Unlike most of you, he isn't trying the recycle thing. His last words were "I don't want to be married. You only want to cage me. I never want to see you again. Leave me alone."

For a codependent spouse with abandonment issues... .it's too much.

So sorry... .I felt the same way when mine stopped with me for the final time. You do not want a recycle because if you go back after hearing that he will respect you less. Things would get worse. Except that this is it for you and work at being good with it. Study co-dependancy. It seems in some ways we are like our exes and that is the attraction. We were unhealthy to be with them in the first place. I am starting my new year- my new life as a divorced person- not studying him any more and studying co-dependancy and getting well for me. I was physically hurting in the beginning too. Treat yourself with kindness and know these feeling are normal. It takes allot of time, so be patient with yourself. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi atomic,

I'm so sorry. I can feel how much you are hurting, and please know that you are not alone. I can relate. The physical symptoms go hand in hand with the mental and emotional turmoil.

Do you have a close friend or therapist whom you can reach out to?

The pain will shift and move, atomic, but I know it doesn't feel like that now. Is there something soothing and calming you can do for yourself today that will help?

heartandwhole

[thisagain]

 

My breakup was similar. My ex became delusional about many things (not just me), made all sorts of accusations about me, and cut me off completely. I saw other members here talking about recycles or their ex constantly trying to contact them. Even though I didn't want to recycle, it still really hurt that my ex was just going about her life believing her delusions about me. I wanted to hear her acknowledge that I was a great partner and she blew it. Our workshop about codependence explains it very well:

Codependent enablers often lack in self-worth and define their worth through another's eyes, thoughts, or views of them. They need other people to validate them to feel okay about themselves and without this, they are unable to find their own worth or identity.  For some, the codependent relationship will satisfy the need to feel competent and low self-esteem is boosted by comparing oneself to the dysfunctional partner.

(from Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence - highly recommended reading!)

Now, I believe that I was a good partner without having to hear it from her. More importantly, I believe I'm a good and valuable person. Therapy helped me a lot, and I know it's helped many others here to recover from codependency and all the other dysfunctional patterns we might have learned in childhood (along with the additional trauma of the BPD relationship). Have you thought about seeing a therapist or counselor?

[HurtinNW]

I'm sending you HUGE hugs, atomic!   

I can so relate. My pain was catastrophic. The first days and weeks the pain was simply off the charts. I literally felt someone had torn my heart out.

Like you, my ex hasn't tried to recycle. In the past he did. Not this time. This time he broke up with a sense of finality and, worse, complete disregard, callousness and even disgust. Having someone reject you like that is so painful. He just walked out of my life like I never existed.

I second that reading the lessons can be so helpful, and also a therapist if you can.

Other things that have helped me and others

1) A support group can be great help. There are codependency support groups in many areas, also other support groups.

2) Come here and post and read a lot.

3) Reading. My copy of The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson is completely dog-eared, it is my bible. She talks about what we are going through. Right now you are in the "Shattering," where the pain feels completely unbearable.

4) Lots of self care. What can you do for yourself right now, today? Exercise? Long walks? Baths? Chocolate?

5) Structure and distraction. It really does help to stay busy and organize your day. My therapist says every time you do something new, your brain has that time to to start healing from trauma. So go to movies, take a new class, anything you can.

It gets better, I promise. I'm glad now my ex hasn't tried to recycle me, because I am on my way to healing. But I had to really white knuckle it the first weeks.

Sending you tons of support! We are here for you!  

[atomic popsicles]

Oh, yes... .I have a whole list of things to talk with her about next week!:-)

[kc sunshine]

Hi Atomic Popsicles!

I think our timing is close together-- we'll make it through! For the physical pain, here's what I've been trying (and it has eased somewhat):

1) noting the physical pain with some interest and curiosity (as in making note of it, and saying this is the pain of detaching after an intense attachment, this is what it feels like)

2) pausing the rumination in my head to just feel the pain instead and "lean into it" as they say

3) trying to exercise and sleep and eat well

4) I'm taking an over the counter herbal serotonin boosters-- SamE-- that seems to be helping

Is anything that you are doing helping?

[Wize]

Hi atomic.  I'm really sorry you're hurting so bad.  Like you, my pwBPD is my spouse, or soon to be exspouse.  I relate to the missing them so bad it physically hurts.  I felt that today a little bit too.  But it's been a month and a half since I've seen my ex.  So it gets better.  I think what would help you a little bit is acceptance.  Not acceptance that your relationship is over, but acceptance that it is what is right now. And yeah, it's really ugly.  But that's the way it is.  You can't control your husband, all you can control is yourself.  He doesn't want to be with you right now, well, that's beyond your control.  So accept it for what it is.  When you accept it then you can function better.  "Hey, nothing I can do.  He doesn't want to be with me but I have to keep living my life."  You can do it.  You're stronger than you think.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Atomic, I'm right with you. I've tried stepping back (advice from here) to notice the feelings too and it's helping. I've noticed that the intensity changes. Sometimes it's worse than others. When it feels really bad I remind myself that it will eventually pass and the feeling will lift. Sending a hug and support your way