What would be "Healthy reasons"for staying in a relationship withone who has BPD

[william3693]

In a relationship with gf that has BPD. We have had 3 septerations  in last 6 years.

The last lasted 3 years. She contacted me about 6 months ago and we have been dating since.

When things are good they seem very good.We have a lot of healthy similar interests hiking,travel

reading,cooking gardening photography and many more. she has no interest in therapy.

She does not drink or use drugs is good with money and has a good job which she has had for years

For the most part we seem to care for and respect each other.

In last five months she has had only 3 major temper outbursts.

In last month things have not been going well. I thought I knew what I was getting into

and could deal with her BPD.Now I am not sure. I feel myself getting anxious,slightly depressed

and feeling insecure.The push pull seems to bother me the most. Things were going well  for me prior to resuming the RS.

I do not know if I can ever have what you would call a healthy relationship with her.

Part of me feels that one never gets all one would want in an ideal relationship and all relationships are difficult

but that my odds of having a good relationship are probably much better someone who does not have BPD.

I have read all the wrong reasons we stay with someone with BPD and only I can decide whether I will but have not read of and

am interested in whether there are healthy reasons for staying and what they would be

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Learning about BPD taught me a tremendous amount about the significance of having boundaries, not just benefits for them, for me. I can't quite articulate why, but that connection made me look more closely at the origins of my anxiety and depression tendencies, which are mild to moderate. DBT skills focus on mindfulness and I found those skills were as relevant to me as they might be to someone with BPD, and those skills have been helpful with anxiety and depression.

These relationship skills have helped me with everyone in my life, not just with someone who struggles with BPD.

There is tremendous room for growth, not just through the skills, with empathy as well. Learning to live with and love someone with BPD can really put you in touch with some very big truths and observations about life and how you go through it. Though, it does come down to your own distress tolerance threshold. Someone who had BPD, substance abuse issues, infidelity, or endangers you -- those are other issues to take into account, not to mention comorbid diagnoses. Narcissism can make it doubly difficult to find a balance, for example. If you have unresolved FOO issues, BPD can bring them to the surface where it becomes imperative to handle them. Or, if they are too much for your nervous system, the issues can overwhelm.

The one quality that can be missing in a BPD relationship when there is no treatment is the closeness that comes from the repair and recover stage. With BPD, intimacy can feel extremely intense and then shockingly cold. Whereas a "normal" difficult relationship may not have those extremes.

What do you do to take care of yourself in this relationship? The anxiety and depression is a sign that something needs attention, is how I would read it.

[william3693]

Yes being in this rs has been one of the greatest learning experiences of my life.

I have learned more about myself (how insensitive and impatient I have been and can be)and relationships than any other time in my life.

I have done meditation for a number of years.I like the works of Pema Chodron and J. Krishnamurti.

Have had considerable professional training in DBT skills.

The rs has also taught me a lot about boundaries and how much more I have to learn.

Have been in therapy for many years.

I have quite a few good friends I have had for many years and a lot of hobbies.

I try to work out at least 5 days a week.

My state of mind for the last 3 to 4 years has been for the most part quite good.

[william3693]

She is now distancing the way she did before our last break ups.

She was to come to my place for the weekend and cancelled at the last minute

for  what I thought was a really questionable reason.

I said that it might be a good idea to plan our weekends a few weeks in advance.

We usually go week to week.She did not want to do this.I said she did now want to do this

because now she had control over when we met  and I did not think it was

fair. She then became very angry saying things were not working  out,

I deserved someone better than her etc. I few more things were said and

I said she was right and that I would mail a few things she  had here and that I no longer wanted to date her.

I have not said this to her before and know from the forum no good comes from it but I think

I was very serious about it at the time and remain so.

She called back in about 10 minutes and said she wanted to come up the following weekend as it was

my birthday and she had a present which she knew I would really like.I asked her if she could return it.

She said no.I suggested we take a brake for a couple of months and meet in Sept.She did not want to do that.

I finally said She could come up on Friday.I am angry at myself for doing that for I think if I was truly done

I would not have her come.I know I can still call and cancel but I am not doing that.

I do not think any thing positive will come from her visit.Although I am not sure and she denies it but from

her behavior during the last month I think there is a good chance she is involved in another rs.If she comes

I am going to do my best not to discuss relationship issues

So I am quite confused.I am tired. I am also somewhat afraid because I think she could blindside me with something that could be very painful.

I am thinking I would be better in no relationship than one with some one who is crazy

[Lucky Jim]

Hey William, I'm sorry to hear that you have been through the BPD wringer.  What is it, do you think, that keeps you coming back for more?  It seems like you invited her to visit the following weekend for a reason.  What is the reason?  I know these are hard questions, but the answers might help to clarify why you are in a "staying" mode. 

LuckyJim

[Black Dog House]

Hey William, I am curious to hear how things are going with you. Any new developments?

When I broke with my ex 2 months ago, I received a great deal of encouragement from a couple of sources who told me how strong and proud they were for having the courage and integrity to walk away from abuse. They function now as "sponsors." I did not feel strong after the first week apart, but I was dead determined as I walked out the door on the heals of a major crazy-making incident, ending in my ex throwing me out of her apartment at 2:30 a.m. My remaining calm and attempting to reason were not met with any understanding. It was a heartless, callous move. Yes, she is ill, but it was cruel and insensitive, my trust snapped, and I immediately knew I was done at that point. After three years together. I said I would not come back this time if she kicked me out. She was cold, saying fine, and I knew I could not come back. If I flinched, what would she not do to me next time? Some people will not treat you well out of good conscience, which I find most intolerable with an emotionally disordered person. Why should I have to set extremely rigid boundaries to get a shard of respect? It wears you down and the love is no longer mutual or healthy when you are working overtime to protect yourself from more abuse. And abuse is exactly what it is, whether intended or not. Anyone on this forum or elsewhere who says differently is not shooting straight. Abuse is abuse.

You sound very healthy, and I am impressed by your strength in setting boundaries, knowing you would have to stand your ground if she didn't respect your needs! I have fought with this for a long time, and it took a couple years of anguish until I was ready to stand firm. My ex's behavior sounds exactly like yours. She would rage if she was opposed or did not get her way, then "punish" me if I became non-compliant, one way or another. Maybe not even immediately, but it would come up again. Defiant when it came to making arrangements, making it difficult or having me jump through hoops to arrange a time or date. Willful stubbornness. How she expected me to show up and look forward to having a good time with her is a mystery only her mind knows.

Don't beat yourself up for saying yes to seeing her. She called you back and your emotions caved. But it sounds to me like you are maintaining a great deal of control. Unconsciously I may have needed to ensure I burned my last bridge, as I shamed her on the way out, something I had never done before. It was more knee-jerk than intentional, but that just speaks to how far I had spiraled out of control of my own emotions. I miss her, and it is still painful, but my friends and family will likely disown me at this point, should I return. They've listened patiently to one story after another where I was a wreck and the ex just did not seem to care how her behavior affected me. She has burned her bridges with my circle.

Maintaining a RS with a disordered individual is a trial by fire, one I would never willingly choose to go through again or wish upon another. Yes, in hindsight I will become wiser and stronger, develop new skills, but at what price? If I wished to enter dangerous combat zones I could train as a Navy SEAL, but that's an experience I really don't feel compelled to endure.

IMHO the healthy reasons to stay are far outnumbered by the unhealthy. Your mental, spiritual and physical health are severely compromised, and some people never recover. I truly believe one has to be disorded or have major issues to want to stay for any good length of time. It's not enough to be strong. It's painful to be toyed with and have ones feelings and needs completely invalidated, especially from someone who supposedly loves you.

[william3693]

Nice to hear from you Black Dog.

You seem to be doing very well for being  2 months after break up of rs of 3 years.

After first breakup I was a basket case for the better part of a year.Crying a lot.Driving all my friends crazy as that seemed to be

all I would talk talk about.We used to travel a lot.The first time I traveled alone after the break up.I could not stand being in the

room alone.The memories were too much.I drove back home that night and did not travel by myself for over a year.

All my friends question my judgement as well as sanity for going back with her but remain very supportive of me.

We had a very good weekend.My birthday was Sunday.She had very thoughtful gifts for me.No arguments.

The second time we broke up  I thought that I had  burned all bridges from  from what I had said.She said it took her 3 years

to get over her anger at me.

I just got several books on boundaries.Thank you for the complement  but I think I have a lot of work to do on them.

I have left the forums several times at times I would find them too painful other times I thought I" knew it all."

I try not to see people as weak or strong but just as human.I an quite a ways from doing this but I think I am getting better.

I tend to be very hard on myself and I find the more  accepting I am of others the more accepting I am of myself

This is also a slow work in progress.

I am glad you found the forums. I find that I keep looking for answers to questions which have no answers except within me.

I suspect you are in a lot of pain now but you will come out on the side much better for it.

 

 

[livednlearned]

I find that I keep looking for answers to questions which have no answers except within me.

This is really true.

Maybe we can help you pinpoint what led to the anxiety/depression -- it's a sign of something. For me, it's usually boundaries + self-care. What do you think it might be for you?

I notice I have a threshold. If I have roughly 6 out of 10 things working well, I am able to cope better with difficult relationship issues. When things dip down to 5, I struggle more.

Anything like that ring true for you?