I once again see the outer bands of the hurricane approaching...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I just read an email from my exBPd, the first in a good while thank goodness. 9PM last night Here it is:

I just want you to know that A (her daughter who is 18) has decided to leave my house and take off with her controlling and disrespectful boyfriend.  She has been a different child for the past month and a half and come to find out it had a lot to do with her bf who was encouraging her rebellious disrespectful behavior, by her own admission.  Now long story short she decided to call him because she was upset with me and he came to get her.  She stood in the doorway watching me argue  with him, indecisive about going with I pointed out all the ugly, abusive things that she had told me about his behavior and then left me standing in the driveway and decided to go with him anyway.  I'm so F***in broken right now I don't know what to do.  Maybe you can call her or something.  But she has no vehicle or anything if she did want to leave.  I don't know what to do.



I've reached out to the daughter as I feel I should.  She texted me that she will call when she can, so I can assume she is safe since she used a smiley emoji.  Poor girl, she too has already had turbulent relationships and I hold little hope that she will not suffer from this horrific illness we have all faced.  Her cycle has already begun I'm afraid.  I really haven't been much of a part of their lives for almost 2 years.  Just reading this email makes me feel the hurricane my life once was. exBPD... .will get no response, though that feels cold... .as I know she is hurting... .especially if she reached out to me as I've been black as night for a long time now.  What would you suggest?

[drained1996]

So I just read an email from my exBPd, the first in a good while thank goodness. 9PM last night Here it is:

I just want you to know that A (her daughter who is 18) has decided to leave my house and take off with her controlling and disrespectful boyfriend.  She has been a different child for the past month and a half and come to find out it had a lot to do with her bf who was encouraging her rebellious disrespectful behavior, by her own admission.  Now long story short she decided to call him because she was upset with me and he came to get her.  She stood in the doorway watching me argue  with him, indecisive about going with I pointed out all the ugly, abusive things that she had told me about his behavior and then left me standing in the driveway and decided to go with him anyway.  I'm so F***in broken right now I don't know what to do.  Maybe you can call her or something.  But she has no vehicle or anything if she did want to leave.  I don't know what to do.



I've reached out to the daughter as I feel I should.  She texted me that she will call when she can, so I can assume she is safe since she used a smiley emoji.  Poor girl, she too has already had turbulent relationships and I hold little hope that she will not suffer from this horrific illness we have all faced.  Her cycle has already begun I'm afraid.  I really haven't been much of a part of their lives for almost 2 years.  Just reading this email makes me feel the hurricane my life once was. exBPD... .will get no response, though that feels cold... .as I know she is hurting... .especially if she reached out to me as I've been black as night for a long time now.  What would you suggest?

[drained1996]

Suggestions?  I love her children, and I also care for her... .though not in a way I would get back together.  I would like to be supportive and help her and her daughter in anyway that does not put us close again. The daughter texted and said she would call... .but never did.  I'm sure this is absolute world rupture for the exBPD as her children are the only thing that has kept her somewhat sane. 

[thisagain]

Hi Drained,

I can tell how much you care about your ex's kids, and it must be really tough to hear that her daughter is having a hard time

It's pretty common for people with BPD to use things like family crises, health problems, etc to try to draw us back in. They aren't capable of handling their feelings on their own, so they might reach out to us in hopes that we'll save them. But that might not always be appropriate. It's important for us to hold onto boundaries and not get inappropriately involved in our exes' lives.

Did you have a stepfather type role, live with her and her kids, etc during the relationship? Have the past two years been low contact with all of them, or have you maintained contact with the kids?

[drained1996]

She will not draw me back in... .with the kids, it has been low contact, but they know I love them and I know they love me.  They understand to an extent the difficulties their mom and I had.  I know they even fathom something is wrong with their mom.  They know I cannot come around, even though they live right down the street.  I didn't have a step father role, I had as much of a father role as one could given 4 years.  To them, they have no other father.  That's my dilemma.  I know they both look at me as their father figure even if the exBPD has tried to tarnish me in their eyes and we haven't seen each other much.  I'm what they trust.

[Mutt]

Hi drained1996,

I'd like to echo thisagain, it sounds like your ex pwBPD  ( person with BPD ) wants rescue. I notice how she has the boyfriend split black., she doesn't say anything positive about him. I'm guessing that she views her daughter as all good often? Id stay out of it or not pick sides, the hurricane in your thread title could be viewed as a drama triangle. I notice how my exBPD often rescues the kids, casts me as persecutor, it validates her as the good parent, becauses she's rescuing them from what she perceives as the bad parent. I don't respond to her drama.

[drained1996]

I saw that too the split black, but in my experience with her, she doesn't view her daughter as good all the time.  They've had plenty of issues (mom and daughter), but I think that is more overprotective from exBPD than anything else.  Her vice grips are strong as she doesn't want her daughter to suffer what she did... .but the tighter the grip, the more the daughter reflects what she knows... .which is her mother in a very bad relationship with her ex of 18 years.  You can take the kid out of the hood... .but you can't get the hood out of the kid... .and the cycle continues.  I'm not going to rescue mom, but I will rescue the daughter for a short time if needed.  Mom may get some positive affects from that, but unless she says... .Hey, I am f'd up and return to full time therapy, I'm out.  And that my friend isn't going to happen.  Even though she KNOWS she suffers from this horrible illness... .she thinks she is cured.  Paint me black please, and let me disappear!

[drained1996]

An update on my brush with the storm.  I did indeed allow the exBPD text access to me for one day so I could help the daughter navigate her way back home in a healthy fashion.  What I experienced was text bombing with little to no structure involved.  Essentially exBPD 100% dysregulated.  I got enough information to reach out to the 22 year old bf I never met.  I did, he returned my call, and last night he and the daughter dropped by to speak. 

Essentially what I gathered was what I already new, though the daughter made some bad decisions (typical teen stuff) exBPD has gone rolling downhill for the last 2 years.  Drinking, raging, I'm sure being promiscuous, and all of the other usual dysregulation.  My suggestion to the daughter was to return home, though to have some parameters in place... .one being they return to therapy both together and individually and that she stop drinking.  I hope that is something that is followed through with for both of their sakes.  I may check in with the daughter from time to time and see... .

As I stated... .my text availability was for one day.  She's blocked.  I felt very little effects from the text bombing, I answered very few, and did them on my time.  I felt... .serenely indifferent, though a hint of sadness for them and the hell in which they live. 

I'll update if there are any ramifications from my briefly stepping in, but I feel it's done, and feel comfortable I was able to help without exposing myself to harm.