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Author Topic: Does he/she think you're the nut?  (Read 1495 times)
FallBack!Monster
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« on: June 19, 2016, 08:50:49 PM »

Ex with BPD says im the crazy one and has told that to a few easy to manipulate people; her friends, who i didnt know for long. She said to me once that i needed to see a therapist.  Huh. Sho doesnt. Thats true but it became extremely obvious to me after meeting my ex. At least im here. However, sbe was just projecting. 

She is all messed up and down but in denial.  Sure im crazy... .Only i dont sleep with everyone that i meet, im consistent, reliable, and with life long real friends who i dont feel the need to covertly stalk.   
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« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2016, 09:01:26 PM »

Oh totally, she thinks I'm the one with the big problems and that I have a therapist but "it's obviously not helping." Jeez. Also, that I'm the one that can't be trusted even though she's the one that broke up with me time and time again and started a so-called open relationship only to ditch me for the other woman in three weeks (and tried to get together with others as well). Projection is one of the hardest things for me to understand/wrap my mind around.
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« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2016, 09:18:14 PM »

My ex wife tried to pull that sh!t with me a couple times, accusing me of being the mentally ill one,  but the evidence against her was far too much.  She has long list of dysfunctional relationships, she's cut off from her family, she lost custody of her kids.  Me, I'm close with my entire family, have good friends and I get along well with all my ex's.  So when she tried to tell me I've got mental problems, she backtracked pretty quick because she knew she was digging a real deep hole for herself. 

It's funny, the last time I saw my ex was when I was leaving our home, bags packed... .she was hurling insults and blame at me and I snapped.  I turned around and yelled so that the whole neighborhood could hear, I said "Can the sh!t, we all know I'm the BAD GUY, so shut the f#$k up about it already."  She stood there stunned.  Not because I yelled but because, as she told me, that's the exact same thing her last husband told her when he left.  I left her standing there with the knowledge that two husbands left her and said the exact same thing to her.  She'll still never admit that she's the problem.  It's always everyone else. 
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« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2016, 09:32:58 PM »

Mine was the silent type. No rages. But she had this way of pushing me to the brink of collapse, then when I'd blow up she would be the victim. Did anyone have this experience?
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« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2016, 09:37:04 PM »

But she had this way of pushing me to the brink of collapse, then when I'd blow up she would be the victim. Did anyone have this experience?

Uh... .everyone.
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« Reply #5 on: June 19, 2016, 09:44:34 PM »

But she had this way of pushing me to the brink of collapse, then when I'd blow up she would be the victim. Did anyone have this experience?

Uh... .everyone.

Yes and then when they break up and run away your left thinking damn this is all my fault
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« Reply #6 on: June 19, 2016, 09:46:00 PM »

I first heard of BPD when she accused me of being the one who had it. When I looked into the symptoms and behaviors, it certainly reflected more on her (and I came to believe it was a diagnosis from her past which she kept secret). It was one of the straws that finally broke the camel's back as the more I learned about it, and the better boundaries I had, the quicker the relationship fell apart. Her 'stuff' didn't work on me as much anymore, and eventually I had to just walk away/stay away.
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« Reply #7 on: June 19, 2016, 09:49:28 PM »

Her 'stuff' didn't work on me as much anymore, and eventually I had to just walk away/stay away.

Good for you, man.  These people need to learn that they can't treat others that way and if they do they're going to end up miserable and alone.  We have to be strong enough to walk the hell away from them... .and stay away.
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« Reply #8 on: June 19, 2016, 10:14:24 PM »

Mine was the silent type. No rages. But she had this way of pushing me to the brink of collapse, then when I'd blow up she would be the victim. Did anyone have this experience?

Umm you're quoting my life right there. That is exactly what happened to me. And it makes it SO much harder to believe yourself when you're left with all the pieces (like you said in your next post).

This is EXACTLY what would happen to me. My ex literally felt like she was draining the life out of me. And when I would finally snap, she would totally make me feel horrible, and like she was this victim. I was so confused by everything, that when she did the ditch and run, I started believing that maybe I was abusive, because of the way she acted. Like maybe she was running away because I had messed up, and really was. So confusing.
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« Reply #9 on: June 19, 2016, 10:18:14 PM »

I first heard of BPD when she accused me of being the one who had it. When I looked into the symptoms and behaviors, it certainly reflected more on her (and I came to believe it was a diagnosis from her past which she kept secret). It was one of the straws that finally broke the camel's back as the more I learned about it, and the better boundaries I had, the quicker the relationship fell apart. Her 'stuff' didn't work on me as much anymore, and eventually I had to just walk away/stay away.

Did we date the same person? I feel like I literally could have wrote everything you said. I first heard of BPD as well when my ex accused me of it. I unfortunately did believe that I had it because I thought I matched the traits for some reason. I use to self harm when I was younger, mistook my spontaneous spirit as "impulsive", and magically had "abandonment issues" when my ex was dropping me every 5th second... .Yep. Very interesting what you said about it being a diagnosis she had from her past.

Also, "the better boundaries I had, the quicker the relationship fell apart." That is the end of my relationship to a T. How absolutely confusing and backwards that the better you do at something, the worse things get for you.

I seriously never understand the projection stuff either. Makes ZERO sense to me. Just cause your throw up on me, doesn't mean it makes me as ugly as you.
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« Reply #10 on: June 19, 2016, 10:31:48 PM »

I started to see a therapist to help me cope with the relationship and my ex used this as evidence that I was the mad one. He once asked if she’d paid her electricity bill as she was going to need the extra power with me (referring to electric shock treatments!). I questioned whether it was me at one point and thankfully, she has since confirmed that I am not in the least bit mad, but I am abused.
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« Reply #11 on: June 19, 2016, 11:43:58 PM »

Mine was the silent type. No rages. But she had this way of pushing me to the brink of collapse, then when I'd blow up she would be the victim. Did anyone have this experience?

Umm you're quoting my life right there. That is exactly what happened to me. And it makes it SO much harder to believe yourself when you're left with all the pieces (like you said in your next post).

This is EXACTLY what would happen to me. My ex literally felt like she was draining the life out of me. And when I would finally snap, she would totally make me feel horrible, and like she was this victim. I was so confused by everything, that when she did the ditch and run, I started believing that maybe I was abusive, because of the way she acted. Like maybe she was running away because I had messed up, and really was. So confusing.

Yes! The one thing that made me feel better was investigating her PAST. Once I seen and heard things in her past it all made perfect sense. Sure we may have messed a couple times but OUR hearts were in the right place. Her past, said it all!
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« Reply #12 on: June 19, 2016, 11:45:56 PM »

I first heard of BPD when she accused me of being the one who had it. When I looked into the symptoms and behaviors, it certainly reflected more on her (and I came to believe it was a diagnosis from her past which she kept secret). It was one of the straws that finally broke the camel's back as the more I learned about it, and the better boundaries I had, the quicker the relationship fell apart. Her 'stuff' didn't work on me as much anymore, and eventually I had to just walk away/stay away.

Did we date the same person? I feel like I literally could have wrote everything you said. I first heard of BPD as well when my ex accused me of it. I unfortunately did believe that I had it because I thought I matched the traits for some reason. I use to self harm when I was younger, mistook my spontaneous spirit as "impulsive", and magically had "abandonment issues" when my ex was dropping me every 5th second... .Yep. Very interesting what you said about it being a diagnosis she had from her past.

Also, "the better boundaries I had, the quicker the relationship fell apart." That is the end of my relationship to a T. How absolutely confusing and backwards that the better you do at something, the worse things get for you.

I seriously never understand the projection stuff either. Makes ZERO sense to me. Just cause your throw up on me, doesn't mean it makes me as ugly as you.

I found myself breaking up with my ex once a week. I thought maybe that would change her but nope.
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FallBack!Monster
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« Reply #13 on: June 20, 2016, 12:04:22 AM »

All the responses have made me bery sad. That means she really believes her delusions about being,  good honest, respectful person who doesn't cheat. Means, she thinks im the lyeing deceitful cheat. It means she really Thinks that when she was married and cheated on her marital bed she was right only because she was no longer attracted to him, but when on to have sex with this man she was so call no longer attracted, married for less than 2 years (second marriage). but went onto have lots of sex with him again, including in the recently months.

Im sad bc she will never understand, much less feel any feelings at all. Never! For anyone. In the past, present, or future. Its all just dead. Im so sad for that. I want to say sorry but for what it wont work. She wont get it. Because her head is in never never land. I really do feel for her. I really do.

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« Reply #14 on: June 20, 2016, 12:12:09 AM »

All the responses have made me bery sad. That means she really believes her delusions about being,  good honest, respectful person who doesn't cheat. Means, she thinks im the lyeing deceitful cheat. It means she really Thinks that when she was married and cheated on her marital bed she was right only because she was no longer attracted to him, but when on to have sex with this man she was so call no longer attracted, married for less than 2 years (second marriage). but went onto have lots of sex with him again, including in the recently months.

Im sad bc she will never understand, much less feel any feelings at all. Never! For anyone. In the past, present, or future. Its all just dead. Im so sad for that. I want to say sorry but for what it wont work. She wont get it. Because her head is in never never land. I really do feel for her. I really do.

Dont feel to sorry for her. Because people with BPD are fully aware of what they are doing. They know right from wrong.
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« Reply #15 on: June 20, 2016, 03:02:51 AM »

My understanding is that defense mechanisms (e.g., projection, splitting, acting out) are by definition unconscious. We all develop defense mechanisms as a way to cope with threats to our sense of self or self-esteem. As we mature, we may rely more on coping strategies, which are conscious attempts to manage and solve problems. The over-reliance on defense mechanisms has been associated with psychopathology, including personality disorders such as BPD.

Sure, a pwBPD may be very aware of what is "right and wrong," but in the moment of the external or internal stressor, he/she is not aware of the ramifications of his/her reaction, which is a matter of survival and a way to get back to a state of relative equilibrium. The keyword being "reactive," which implies a lack of reflection on the action and its consequences.

In my relationship with pwBPD, who was very self-aware and learned in psychological therapies, several times he recognized after the fact how damaging/hurtful his reaction toward me had been, and explained that in the moment, he had no idea what he was doing—his reality has shifted to something completely different from what he understood it to be looking back when his emotions were regulated again.

This is a serious disorder that can include significant moments of cognitive distortion. In my opinion, compassion is definitely warranted.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Adapted from: Cramer, Phebe. Protecting the Self : Defense Mechanisms in Action. New York, US: The Guilford Press, 2006. ProQuest ebrary. Web. 20 June 2016.
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« Reply #16 on: June 20, 2016, 04:24:11 AM »

Yes and then when they break up and run away your left thinking damn this is all my fault

Totally happened to me.

Except, this time she broke off an engagement, and I was less than thrilled about her nonsense. I thought maybe it's my fault at the beginning, but the more I listen to her and her

"reasons", the less serious I could take them.

Worst part is when she has similarly, or equally, dysfunctional family members who think she's right and I'm crazy and awful. They sure never took a second look at themselves and wonder why the entire family is dysfunctional.
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« Reply #17 on: June 20, 2016, 04:27:13 AM »

My ex BPD first suggested that I needed to see a counsellor in October 2009. This was after she had aborted our unborn baby for no real reason and had moved in with me twice, only to move out because the first time she didn't like me cleaning the house at night (thought I didn't want her in the house) and the second time she wanted to be able to change the house around as she saw fit (e.g. take down doors) and I asked if she could run things by me first.

Red Flags, but I needed counselling. Three counsellors later, each of whom arrived at the following conclusion: 'it is your partner that is causing all of the pain in your life'.
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FallBack!Monster
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« Reply #18 on: June 20, 2016, 09:26:58 AM »

My ex BPD first suggested that I needed to see a counsellor in October 2009. This was after she had aborted our unborn baby for no real reason and had moved in with me twice, only to move out because the first time she didn't like me cleaning the house at night (thought I didn't want her in the house) and the second time she wanted to be able to change the house around as she saw fit (e.g. take down doors) and I asked if she could run things by me first.

Red Flags, but I needed counselling. Three counsellors later, each of whom arrived at the following conclusion: 'it is your partner that is causing all of the pain in your life'.

Ouch
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« Reply #19 on: June 20, 2016, 09:46:15 AM »

Mine was the silent type. No rages. But she had this way of pushing me to the brink of collapse, then when I'd blow up she would be the victim. Did anyone have this experience?

Oh yes! He didn't have rages. He had grumpiness. His grumpiness infiltrated our lives. When I tried to bring it up, he would tell me, "That is just who I am." He could be a grumpy butt all day long and push and push and when I finally had enough and said something, I was the raging you know what.

I imagine I probably did look crazy at times because I was tying myself in knots trying to figure out what it was that I was supposed to do to keep him happy. If I am a nut, it is because I put so much energy into trying to please a guy that was content to be grumpy and checked out and only wanted to be with me when it was convenient for him and focused on him. Me having any kind of need seemed to be too overwhelming for him.
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« Reply #20 on: June 20, 2016, 09:55:27 AM »

I first heard of BPD when she accused me of being the one who had it. When I looked into the symptoms and behaviors, it certainly reflected more on her (and I came to believe it was a diagnosis from her past which she kept secret). It was one of the straws that finally broke the camel's back as the more I learned about it, and the better boundaries I had, the quicker the relationship fell apart. Her 'stuff' didn't work on me as much anymore, and eventually I had to just walk away/stay away.

This is essentially my story too. Except my x tried to convince me that my daughter is a pwBPD. That's where my research into the disorder started. She never actually accused me of being disordered, but was more than happy to point out that my complex PTSD was the root of all of our problems.

But, once I started putting boundaries in place things fell apart quickly. She even tried to convince me that boundaries were bad for r/s. (Yep, we actually had that discussion multiple times.) The stronger that I got, the more erratic her behavior became and the more damage she inflicted. I finally just had to walk away.

Edit to add: In fact, as I was walking away from her, she told me that I was a predictor. I was mean and evil. I was treating her unfairly. I can now see those things for what they were. She was projecting onto me what she was actually feeling about herself.
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« Reply #21 on: June 20, 2016, 10:05:12 AM »

When we set boundaries of is so we can better the relationship and to protect ourselves. They see it as is pushing them away. My ex didn't think I was a but. She knew she was the crazy one and would go on about how I liked crazy girls and was attracted to them. She does think that I am very disrespectful towards her. So disrespectful that I didn't even to deserve to be broken up with. She just blocked me on everything and moved on with my replacement as if he saved her from me. And then she would act as if she was scared of me when a week before she grabbed me by my shirt so hard she ripped it off Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).
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« Reply #22 on: June 20, 2016, 10:13:06 AM »

My exgf tried to tell me I needed help and I was getting help, fortunately for me the help I did receive revealed a very sad but desperately needed revelation, I was in a toxic relationship with a pwBPD.

Through this growth, insight and reality I knew I had to escape for my very life, and that's the choice I made.

My exgfs mother told me last week I was bipolar, I told her no but I appreciate her concern and that anyone who stayed around her daughter would soon appear to be mentally ill. Then I said, actually I'm fine and you need not worry about me, I am not bipolar it is my tolerance for bs that is deminishing.
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« Reply #23 on: June 20, 2016, 10:14:41 AM »

I had the 'predator' comment also. She would end her SMS's to me with 'on to your next victim'.

We split for a while when she was pregnant with our child. The violence and arguing was scary so I left the house for what I wanted to be a temporary arrangement but actually became the status quo for 18 months. She asked me for 10,000 Euro to move back in and said it was a safety net in case I left again. But where I am going to with all of this is that about a month after I left the house during the pregnancy, I went on a work event, dinner etc. Someone she knew was there and sent her an SMS. I got a call from my ex asking was I on a date & I asked her 'what kind of animal do you think I am?'. She accused me of dating other women, when all I wanted was to be by her side and see our child growing inside of her. Another day she phoned me & said I had been seen out on a date with a lady in the City.

I got so frustrated that I told her (not proud of this, I was horrible) I wanted us to have our baby and then go meet someone. I apologised a couple of minutes later. I was so frustrated at suggestions that I would be out chasing other ladies while she was having our baby. Accusations of being a predator etc are very hurtful.
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« Reply #24 on: June 20, 2016, 10:18:57 AM »

Being called a predator is possibly the best thing that my x ever did for me if I'm honest about it. My hating that she might actually think of me that way has kept me from running back to her and begging to have her back. I certainly don't need her projecting BPD on me and accusing me of "love bombing" her.

They really do give us several gifts if we just look for them.
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« Reply #25 on: June 20, 2016, 10:46:14 AM »

Yes, I've gotten that several times from my BPD friend.  But then, she also told her mom that I'm "kind, smart, loving, and fun to be around." 

I've found that she tells people who probably won't be in her life that long that I'm crazy.  I doubt she mentions me at all to other people.  It's all about playing the victim.  Her ex said to me, right after they broke up, "She said you were crazy.  She pretty much said that about everyone in her life.  I didn't know what to believe about you, her dad, or anyone.  It was such a mistake."  It's much easier for her to secure friends and boyfriends if she convinces them that she's good and everyone else is bad. 

When she called me crazy last fall, I'd had enough and replied, "Yet you're the one who was just in the psych ward and was diagnosed with a serious disorder."  I was painted black for nearly three months after that.

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« Reply #26 on: June 21, 2016, 07:08:06 PM »

All I've heard for the last year or so of our relationship.

He split me black as black can be. And I am crazy. He was the einstein that figured me out. Everyone in my life was in my web of manipulation and couldn't see my evil wicked ways. I just feel sad for him. He couldn't handle another person being sick of everything so he had to be right before I left. He's right and alone. And if he doesn't change his act and sees who he really is, he will stay 'right' and alone. I feel for him. I still do. He has no coping skills and feels continuously like he is being attacked. It is a very exhausting way to live life.
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« Reply #27 on: June 22, 2016, 12:15:20 AM »

Oh totally, she thinks I'm the one with the big problems and that I have a therapist but "it's obviously not helping." Jeez. Also, that I'm the one that can't be trusted even though she's the one that broke up with me time and time again and started a so-called open relationship only to ditch me for the other woman in three weeks (and tried to get together with others as well). Projection is one of the hardest things for me to understand/wrap my mind around.

I totally am with you. My ex was constantly telling me: 'you are not to be trusted', 'you are unstable', 'How can you look into the mirror?', 'You destroyed us', 'I am sick and tired of your lies'.

And it are powerful projections that are being thrown at you, making you doubt your own reality. in the end i found out that they simply can cast off their shameful feelings about themself and what they are doing behind your back by putting them as a poster on your wall instead. I now can reverse each of these sentences towards her, and still look into the mirror.

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« Reply #28 on: June 22, 2016, 08:40:18 AM »

I also got:

How can you sleep at night?

You are an abuser

My ex girlfriends would be mentioned as though I'd tried to kill them or something (one would actually stand up for me in court if I asked)

You broke every level of trust there is

It can be draining. [/quote]
I totally am with you. My ex was constantly telling me: 'you are not to be trusted', 'you are unstable', 'How can you look into the mirror?', 'You destroyed us', 'I am sick and tired of your lies'.[/quote]
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« Reply #29 on: June 22, 2016, 12:40:49 PM »

But she had this way of pushing me to the brink of collapse, then when I'd blow up she would be the victim. Did anyone have this experience?

Uh... .everyone.

Yes and then when they break up and run away your left thinking damn this is all my fault

Yes! The cycle was very simple. She would do or say something hurtful, I would get upset, an argument would follow and I'd be blamed for the argument and getting upset! Then I'd be kicked out and I'd be left thinking it was all my fault and I was the one with the problems. In hindsight I can see it was sheer manipulation and provocation. Personally, now, I think she knew exactly what she was doing.
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Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

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