I left a BPD relationship and could use support

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello, I'm so happy to have found this site. I left a BPD relationship and I could use support. I'd like to better understand what's going on inside of me and learn how to move forward.

[BirdinFlight]

Hello, I'm so happy to have found this site. I left a BPD relationship and I could use support. I'd like to better understand what's going on inside of me and learn how to move forward.

[drained1996]

Welcome to the family BirdinFlight.  You will find many useful lessons, suggestions, and most of all personal experiences on this site.  I know the site itself, and the people on here willing to share their stories, and give feedback has been immeasurably useful on my road to understanding and recovery.  I'm sure a more senior member will be here shortly to greet you and maybe give you a little more direction.  Stay strong, and lean on the knowledge and people here anytime you feel weak... .and sometimes even when you don't feel so weak.

[Meili]

Hi 

It might help to know a little more about what is going on, where you're at with all of this, and what precipitated it.

[Mutt]

Hi BirdinFlight,



I'd like to join drained1996 and Meili and welcome you. A relationship break-up with a pwBPD( person with BPD ) is  chaotic, painful and can be emotionally distressing. As drained1996 pointed out it helps to talk to people that can relate with you, its therapeutic to write, you'll find many semblances in everyone's stories, you'll find that you fit right in.

As Meili also pointed out that it helps to get a little back story in our introduction post. How long have you  been out of the r/s? Do you have kids? Is your ex diagnosed with BPD?

[BirdinFlight]

Thank you all for your welcome. The guy I was living with was quickly diagnosed with bipolar, but shows all the signs of BPD. I've been out of the relationship for two months. Recently I've started to slip into a depression. I keep thinking that I could have done more to keep the relationship even though I tried very hard. I didn't quite understand what was going on while we were together--it was very confusing. He would draw me in with a lot of romance and pseudo closeness and then as soon as he could see I was happy and had a little sense of security, he would start to push me away with sarcasm, sideways barbs, chronic misunderstandings, jealousy, packing his things to leave, etc. This cycle repeated for a year and a half while we lived together. I keep forgetting the bad aspects of the relationship and romanticizing the good and blaming myself that I didn't do more, I'm getting therapy and am trying meds but have just started and they take 4-6 weeks to take effect. Meanwhile my distorted thinking, desire for the good parts of the relationship, and subsequent depression are very difficult to deal with. I'm forcing myself not to isolate but I don't have a lot of friends or family. I know all the standard advice to get out and exercise and not isolate. I joined here to see what others would suggest. Thank you in advance.

[Mutt]

Hi BirdinFlight,

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Depression is tough. I'm happy to hear that you're getting it treated, you'll find that you start to feel better, if these meds work for you, you may have to try different meds until you find the one that works for you.  

Exercise is not just to get out and nit isolate, it helps with your mood, you feel better. It helps with diseases and depression.

I understand how much distorted thinking can trigger anxiety, stress, sadness. What you may find helpful is stepping back when you catch yourself having distorted thoughts and looking at the whole - look at the relationship from start to finish, the good and the bad. You may want try to write  down your distorted thoughts and write what down the balanced thought, you can see how unrealistic the thought is.

[drained1996]

BirdinFlight,

You're not alone in your ruminations about being able to do more.  I think for a lot of us that was one of our first hurdles to address.  We blamed ourselves... .

The truth of the matter is, our partners were not well.  In fact, they suffer from a severe mental illness that basically renders them unable to have healthy adult relationships.  It's hard to see when we are so close to things. Their behavior wears us down and affects our mental, emotional and physical health.  I'm going to suggest you click on some other posts, read other peoples stories.  You will find a common rhetoric and even see more than a few that mirror almost exactly your situation.  You will see people in different stages of their recovery, and with each and every day, you'll gain a little more perspective on exactly what came into you life and affected you in this manner.  Keep your head high, and continue to think of YOURSELF.  Depression is something a lot of us deal with in our recovery, I have been I know. Again, you are not alone, let your mind explore others experiences on this site, learn a little each day.  Your journey to recovery has begun.

[seenr]

Hi BirdinFlight

Can I ask you if this is the first time you have split, or has it happened more than that?

[BirdinFlight]

He has threatened to leave several times before and has packed his things but ultimately has stayed each time. He wouldn't work with me. We went to therapy and the therapist would give us the easiest of homework and he couldn't do it. His behavior got worse and worse and I felt like he was pushing to get me to make the break--staying out all night, screaming at me, stonewalling, humiliating me, etc. Finally I was the one who made the decision to breakup because I just saw no choice. I'd didn't know about this website and the conflict management tools provided here. I'm not sure they would have helped, but it's part of my suffering now because I just wish I could have tried them. It should be mentioned that when I did make the decision to leave he didn't fight it and a friend found him on a dating site the next day. He might have been on previously, don't know. I just want to let it go and move on, but a lot of his qualities were particularly shiny and wonderful. Everything I've read here fits the both of us 100%. He's now moved into a new place and I need to get over it. I have a fantasy of us getting back together, but I know that won't happen and and I cannot understand why I would want it. I know deep down he is who he is and because I am willing to try one more thing, it will not change things, still my logical mind doesn't seem to help.

[Meili]

As drained said, you are not alone in how you are being affected by all of this. I would hazard a guess that all of us here have gone through those feelings.

I've been severely depressed since I ended my r/s with my x about six weeks ago. I have constantly ruminated about everything that transpired. I have asked what feels like a billion times if I could have done something different or better and had a different outcome. I have cried over her. I have tortured myself mentally over her. I have bargained with myself. I have blamed myself. But, I know at the end of the day, I was only responsible for my part of the r/s, she was responsible for hers. So, no matter what I do/did, I am/was only in control of so much and it takes two to make a r/s work.

Your story about his not wiling to work with you, the attempts at counseling, his lack of effort at it (in fact, most times we wouldn't even get out of the counselor's parking lot before she would wholly begin to do the opposite of what the counselor asked us to do!), the escalating behavior, the pushing and pulling, and the feeling that there is no other healthy alternative but to leave are my story to a T. I will also add that I felt that my x was constantly testing me to see how much I would take before I snapped. I'm not the only person this forum who shares this story with you either. The fact that so many of us share the same story and experience the same feelings on our journey through recovery is of some comfort to me. I hope that you can find comfort in some of it also.

In addition to what Mutt said, those things that people suggest to get out of a funk are actually important. By not taking care of ourselves, we do nothing but perpetuate the depression. When we don't take care of ourselves and our bodies, we are telling ourselves that we are not worth the effort. When we tell ourselves that we are not worth the effort, we start to believe that. Those thoughts keep us depressed.

I know that coming out of an abusive r/s our self-esteem is low. We have been conditioned to believe things about ourselves that are simply untrue. Sure, we are not perfect, but we are not the horrible creatures that our pwBPD make us believe that we are.

[seenr]

I absolutely love this post. Well done.

I am trying to take care of myself - staying with relatives who care about me. I am exercising, trying to eat well, trying to analyse things but also plot a way forward. In the first week after the split I tried to do all that at once but now realise that is not possible. It needs time. I'm also learning to take the advice from others on this board, some of which is excellent & from people further down the road than me.

And with a counsellor, I wrote down all of the lies my ex said about me & added my own truths. I hate to say that I did shed tears doing that as in hindsight I cannot believe anyone would be so hurtful, but reading more about the mental condition that makes a person rage like that makes me realise that maybe it wasn't me after all & was a reflection of her own mental state.

Happy to say the support here is very good.

In addition to what Mutt said, those things that people suggest to get out of a funk are actually important. By not taking care of ourselves, we do nothing but perpetuate the depression. When we don't take care of ourselves and our bodies, we are telling ourselves that we are not worth the effort. When we tell ourselves that we are not worth the effort, we start to believe that. Those thoughts keep us depressed. I know that coming out of an abusive r/s our self-esteem is low. We have been conditioned to believe things about ourselves that are simply untrue. Sure, we are not perfect, but we are not the horrible creatures that our pwBPD make us believe that we are.

[heartandwhole]

Hi BirdinFlight  

I'm so glad you found your way to this site. As you've probably noticed, it has tons of tools and resources to help you through this trying time. I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. It's very hard, and I very much relate to your feelings of perhaps missing something you could have done, and remembering the good qualities of your partner. Those feelings are so normal and understandable.

Unfortunately, when our partner has BPD or traits, the relationship can transform into something much harder to manage when we want to be in it, and harder to let go when we want out.

You mentioned you are in therapy, which is great. It really helped me after my breakup. If you don't have trusted friends or family to lean on right now, I hope you will at least come here as much as you can until you feel more comfortable being around people.

One of the resources that really helped me to understand my thinking after the breakup is this article:

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

I was particularly stuck on Belief #2 and #6, because pwBPD had an amazing way with words. Do any of those 10 beliefs resonate with you, BirdinFlight?

Keep writing and let us know how we can support you. You are not alone.  

heartandwhole

[BirdinFlight]

I so appreciate you guys taking the time to talk with me. That we share such similar stories is so amazing but oddly comforting, not that I would wish the experience on anyone, mind you. Thank you again for your encouraging words and insights!