This is a first

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I've never spoken to another person who grew up with this. I hate living a double life and keeping the biggest part of my life a secret. My older sister is Borderline. The last time she laid her hands on me was six months ago. We haven't spoken since, and for my safety, never will again. I moved across the country to finally start the life I dreamt of since I was a little girl just wishing for it all to be over. Yet I feel so much shame. If I catch myself smiling, enjoying my life, I step back and feel shameful. Like I'm incredibly undeserving of everything I worked for and have now because of the horror house I grew up in. It was a violent, violent childhood/teenagehood. I don't feel like I'm a person who deserves nice things or great things to happen to them because I'm just not "one of those people." I'm one of those people who grew up with cops in and out of the house, visiting my sister in hospitals, running to my room and locking the door when I heard her coming home from school knowing if she had a bad day, I was about to physically feel it, calling my dad crying begging for him to come home from work and protect me. It was only last summer I was filing a straining reorder because she was telling people that she is hiring someone to kill my mother and I. My question for y'all is, how do you get over the shame? I know I'm not my sister. I'm a talented musician, kind spirited woman, believer, and college educated. I know I deserve the things and new people in my life. But where I come from, I can't get it out of my head.

[BarkleyC]

I've never spoken to another person who grew up with this. I hate living a double life and keeping the biggest part of my life a secret. My older sister is Borderline. The last time she laid her hands on me was six months ago. We haven't spoken since, and for my safety, never will again. I moved across the country to finally start the life I dreamt of since I was a little girl just wishing for it all to be over. Yet I feel so much shame. If I catch myself smiling, enjoying my life, I step back and feel shameful. Like I'm incredibly undeserving of everything I worked for and have now because of the horror house I grew up in. It was a violent, violent childhood/teenagehood. I don't feel like I'm a person who deserves nice things or great things to happen to them because I'm just not "one of those people." I'm one of those people who grew up with cops in and out of the house, visiting my sister in hospitals, running to my room and locking the door when I heard her coming home from school knowing if she had a bad day, I was about to physically feel it, calling my dad crying begging for him to come home from work and protect me. It was only last summer I was filing a straining reorder because she was telling people that she is hiring someone to kill my mother and I. My question for y'all is, how do you get over the shame? I know I'm not my sister. I'm a talented musician, kind spirited woman, believer, and college educated. I know I deserve the things and new people in my life. But where I come from, I can't get it out of my head.

[Turkish]

Hello BarkleyC,

Growing up in such a violent household wasn't normal.  Being affected by it, however,  is normal.  I'm glad you are physical safe now,  despite the baggage.  Acknowledgment that you were abused is the first step towards healing 

Who else,  if anyone, was violent?  Did your parents actually make an effort to protect you?

Turkish

[maleficent]

I know how you feel about not being able to get the feelings out of your head. I was not physically abused by my BPD mother but I was and still am emotionally abused by her frequently. She has this tendency to make herself the victim of everything. I end up feeling guilty and giving in to her demands or forgiving her because she is my mother after all. But at what point do I tell myself she is unhealthy for me and she will never change and my mind and heart will be in agreement? I wish I could get over these feelings and do what is best for me.

[BarkleyC]

Hello BarkleyC,

Growing up in such a violent household wasn't normal.  Being affected by it, however,  is normal.  I'm glad you are physical safe now,  despite the baggage.  Acknowledgment that you were abused is the first step towards healing 

Who else,  if anyone, was violent?  Did your parents actually make an effort to protect you?

Turkish

Thank you. I never really looked at it that way before. I'd love to heal but I guess I just assumed you're born into this kind of dynamic and you'll feel this way forever and that's that. My parents are the most wonderful, loving people in the world. I'm so angry this happened to them. They just wanted to be in love and raise a family and now they're dealing with this the rest of their lives. They protected me as much as they could but parents can't be with their kids 24/7. My mom still gets the worst of it all. One moment my sister will be trying to kill her, the next she's in tears crying and asking why nobody likes her. BPD, it's baffling. It's like she can't connect that that's not normal behavior and there is a reason people keep their distance. She also forgets about the twisted things she's done. She will never acknowledge trying to hire a hit man on my mother and I. I just can't wrap my brain around the absurdity.

[BarkleyC]

I know how you feel about not being able to get the feelings out of your head. I was not physically abused by my BPD mother but I was and still am emotionally abused by her frequently. She has this tendency to make herself the victim of everything. I end up feeling guilty and giving in to her demands or forgiving her because she is my mother after all. But at what point do I tell myself she is unhealthy for me and she will never change and my mind and heart will be in agreement? I wish I could get over these feelings and do what is best for me.

So weird to hear someone say "I know how you feel." It's so hard to draw the line and decide when enough's enough. We aren't used to be selfish so we don't know how to put our happiness first. I had to come to terms with she will not get any better and it will only get worse and more dangerous so I finally cut the string.

[Turkish]

Domestic abuse is usually (always? ) couched in terms of romantic partners.  In situations like this,  it seems there is little help.  It also sounds hard for you as you want to protect your parents, despite the fact that they should and can deal with this.  Sounds simple,  but I'm not the parent of a child with BPD. We see parents struggling with these issues on the Parenting Board. Violence,  cops, and siblings who are adversely affected by a sibling with BPD.

For you?  When I did at risk youth mentoring,  the coaches had a saying,  "You don't know what you don't know. "  the reactions of the youth, and not a few of the adult mentors was  

It's understandable if it's confusing,  perhaps,  to be processing things from the posts outside.  The logical part of your brain may say that it wasn't normal,  but it was all you knew for your whole childhood.  How was it possible for you to think differently?  That was your world. Now you're in a different world,  though still tied to the old one.  

What is shame to you?

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY BARKLEYC: 

Here is a big hug 

I'm so sorry about what you have been through with your sister, and what your family is going through.  The uBPD in my life is my sister as well, but she is a high-functioning BPD in comparison to your sister.   

Perhaps a therapist could help you work through this.  Have you tried therapy before?

Unfortunately we can't change others, only the way we interact and/or react to them.  Your safety, as well as your happiness, should be a priority.  Some things we just can't fix and have to learn to accept.  You might find the links below to radical acceptance and Fog helpful.

Here are a couple of links to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG):

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0;all

         

I'm a talented musician, kind spirited woman, believer, and college educated. I know I deserve the things and new people in my life. But where I come from, I can't get it out of my head. 

You have a lot to be proud of and I'm thinking your parents are proud of you as well.

Has your sister received any therapy and/or treatment for her BPD?

[Fie]

Hello Barkleyc !

Congratulations, you made the first step out of the mess of your childhood, which is acknowledging that it was a mess. That is hard, because the things you have gone through as a child, feel normal. I don't think any child thinks : 'What is happening to me, is not normal!'. We just don't know  any better.

My mother is BPD, my father shows NPD traits. I was a very unhappy kid. I know completely how you feel about 'not deserving to feel happy'. Someone asked me, long ago : 'do you think you deserve to be happy', and my immediate reaction was 'no'. If our family of origin, who are supposed to love us, did not give us a safe and loving environment to grow up in, well, we  just assume it is because there is something wrong with US, right ? Otherwise, they would have given it !

Of course now we are adults, we should try to realize that this is untrue. There's just is a circle reasoning in it. Everyone deserves to be happy, without any exception, also you and me.

I am reading the book 'It's never too late to be happy' from Muriel James. It's about reparenting yourself, and I have already found some very useful tips in it. Maybe you'd like to read it too ?

[BarkleyC]

Domestic abuse is usually (always? ) couched in terms of romantic partners.  In situations like this,  it seems there is little help.  It also sounds hard for you as you want to protect your parents, despite the fact that they should and can deal with this.  Sounds simple,  but I'm not the parent of a child with BPD. We see parents struggling with these issues on the Parenting Board. Violence,  cops, and siblings who are adversely affected by a sibling with BPD.

For you?  When I did at risk youth mentoring,  the coaches had a saying,  "You don't know what you don't know. "  the reactions of the youth, and not a few of the adult mentors was  

It's understandable if it's confusing,  perhaps,  to be processing things from the posts outside.  The logical part of your brain may say that it wasn't normal,  but it was all you knew for your whole childhood.  How was it possible for you to think differently?  That was your world. Now you're in a different world,  though still tied to the old one.  

What is shame to you?

Shame to me is like, maybe there's some reason I was born into a traumatic home and I'm not "supposed to be" or "allowed" to have a wonderful life because I wasn't born into one.

[BarkleyC]

Hello Barkleyc !

Congratulations, you made the first step out of the mess of your childhood, which is acknowledging that it was a mess. That is hard, because the things you have gone through as a child, feel normal. I don't think any child thinks : 'What is happening to me, is not normal!'. We just don't know  any better.

My mother is BPD, my father shows NPD traits. I was a very unhappy kid. I know completely how you feel about 'not deserving to feel happy'. Someone asked me, long ago : 'do you think you deserve to be happy', and my immediate reaction was 'no'. If our family of origin, who are supposed to love us, did not give us a safe and loving environment to grow up in, well, we  just assume it is because there is something wrong with US, right ? Otherwise, they would have given it !

Of course now we are adults, we should try to realize that this is untrue. There's just is a circle reasoning in it. Everyone deserves to be happy, without any exception, also you and me.

I am reading the book 'It's never too late to be happy' from Muriel James. It's about reparenting yourself, and I have already found some very useful tips in it. Maybe you'd like to read it too ?

Thank you for the recommendation! I will definitely check it out!

[Fie]

Shame to me is like, maybe there's some reason I was born into a traumatic home and I'm not "supposed to be" or "allowed" to have a wonderful life because I wasn't born into one.

Maybe it is your task in life to outgrow the shame ? Some people believe that we are all here for a reason, and that also the problems we have faced were there for a reason. Maybe the reason for you having grown up in a traumatic home, is to grow into putting the shame behind you ... .?