I feel so much pain and confusion

[confusedmama]

 My 17 year old step daughter has never been an easy child to raise but she is wonderful, sweet, kind and thoughtful except when she isn't. She can also be destructive, rude and selfish. I just learned that my child has BPD. She has left our care and is now living with her biological mother. Her Bio mom has no rules and allows drug use, alcohol and boys without consequence. I am desperate to understand what is motivating my teenager to leave us. What we can do to help her understand that we love her beyond measure and we want her to come home. If anyone has any advice about how to create a safe place for my BPD child please share. I want her to know she is unconditionally loved. Thank you for you help

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY CONFUSEDMANA

Sorry about the problems with your step daughter.  I can tell you have a lot of love for her.  Is she in therapy and perhaps getting treatment for BPD?  :)oes her bio mom have BPD or some other mental disorder?  

 Her Bio mom has no rules and allows drug use, alcohol and boys without consequence. I am desperate to understand what is motivating my teenager to leave us.  

 

You sound like a responsible parent and responsible parents need to establish boundaries, even with teenagers without disorders.  I suspect she likes the lack of boundaries that bio mom affords her.  What led to her moving to bio mom's home?

Below are some links to information you might find helpful right now.

Here is are links to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG):

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Here are links to  threads about boundaries:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

[lbjnltx]

Hi confusedmama,

So glad you are here looking for info and telling your story,  we get it. 

Having a teen with traits of BPD is so very challenging and confusing... .what is teen behavior and what is caused by the disorder... .?  The truth is... .we can't really know.  What we do know is that the responses to unhealthy, unsafe, and self destructive acts needs to be the same.  Boundaries, consequences, and support are appropriate for all of the above.

Having another adult undermine our efforts to teach and support our kids in healthy ways is frustrating beyond comprehension.  Does your stepdaughter stay in your home at all?  Is there parental alienation going on at the biomom's house?

I look forward to your reply.

lbjnltx