How do you respond to false accusations?

[Finallyawake]

How are non-BP's supposed to respond to false accusations?

A few days ago, my mom had to submit a form somewhere. Worried that wasn't going to get there in time, I had her read the letter to me that listed the due date. It was due June 30. I told her she had until next Thursday, so she had plenty of time.

Then, this morning, Mom is angry at me! She said I should have told her the form was not due until next week! I reminded her of our previous conversation and now she tells me that what I am recalling never happened! She went on to say that she took action thinking the form was due this week and it's all my fault because I failed to make her understand the due date!

She said she hasn't been feeling well (left with a bad constant cough after bronchitis) and it was my responsibility to sit her down and made her understand the form isn't due for a week! Seriously?

Then, she said that I keep breaking my promise that I am going to change and don't!

On top of that, she keeps bringing up a recent medical procedure that she blames me for her having to get. In that example, throughout the approximately 10 minute minor procedure, I asked her several times if she was okay and if she wanted the doctor to continue. Each time, she replied quietly to me saying it was okay for him to continue. After we left, Mom got furious at me, claiming every time I asked, she kept begging me to have the doctor stop and claimed that I ignored her demands to tell the doctor to stop! She said she is afraid to speak up to the doctor during a procedure and needs me to speak up for her.

I am assuming this is gaslighting or disassociating. Each time, it's an excuse for her to blame me for something that never happened. What am I supposed to do? How do I respond to this? The false memories mainly seem to occur when something took place that she can't let herself accept responsibility for, so I am not thinking this is dementia or Alzheimer's disease. Generally, her memory in most other circumstances is excellent.

However, last night, I got a movie for us to watch for later this week. I had showed Mom a movie trailer for the same movie about two weeks ago. Last night, she told me she doesn't remember any previous conversation at all about the movie and said she never heard of it.

I totally remember the conversation! I don't know if she just wasn't paying attention when I showed her the trailer or what. (For anyone who's read my other posts, I thought you might be interested in knowing the movie I got to watch with my mom is called Learning to Drive.)

My mom is in her 70's and depends on me for things like these two scenarios, so me telling her to do these things herself likely won't work.

[Kwamina]

Hi Finallyawake

How are non-BP's supposed to respond to false accusations?

We have a resource here that might help you deal with false accusations, quite likely the result of distorted thinking and projection. Often it can be best to disengage and not get tangled up in circular arguments. One way to do that is to not J.A.D.E. as in Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain. Here are some links to more information:

COMMUNICATION 08: Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

How to stop circular arguments

For anyone who's read my other posts, I thought you might be interested in knowing the movie I got to watch with my mom is called Learning to Drive.

That is interesting indeed! I hope you do start driving very soon

[HappyChappy]

Hi Finalyawake,

Your mother has put you in a very unfair position here, and it’s totally understandable that you would feel frustrated.  Clearly it’s not your fault, but unfortunately your mother doesn't appear to see it that way. I would say the communication technique Kawanie highlights I’ve found pretty effective , even though walking away from the argument may be very difficult at first.

But to address the points you bring up. You mention your mom’s selective memory. A BPD can never own the guilt, so this must be projected away to whomever is there – in this case you. Often they scapegoat a child, to take all the blame all the time. So in order to do this, they must have fantasy thinking, hence the selective memory you mention. They have to re-write history to fit their fantasy thinking, as they simply can not own the guilt or blame for their own  behaviour. So in the case of your mother, of course she’s fully responsible as an adult, for reading her own letters and submitting her own forms. You sate she doesn’t have Dementia or Alzheimer. But she will never see it that way and BPD are great at waif like behaviour (poorly me) so your best chance of sanity is to duck out of the argument. She will keep provoking you, as a young child provokes their sister, to get a reaction and bring you back in. But they have endless energy and tend to be highy skilled at manipulating in this way, so yet another reason for stepping out of their game playing. But most importantly, a BPD is unlikely to ever change, so it’s a war you can never win.

Again your best defence is to avoid this, doing something like “Medium chill”. There are other communication technique on this site like S.E.T. which may also help if you need to address things . But as unfair as it may seam, a BPD is a past master of putting us in no win situations, like the one you describe. Easier said than done and it may feel unfair and unjust. If it makes you feel better, my BPD mom is a similar and plays the waif , so use to get me to fill in form, then she critises my spelling (I’m statement dyslexic) then reminds me that there’s no such thing as dyslexia, it’s stupidity and illiteracy. I’d love to tell her, she’s the stupid one asking an illiterate to fill in her forms, but there’s no point. So now I just have excuses as to why I can’t do it, like I’m attending a spelling B.  

Let us know how you get on.

[Linda Maria]

Hi finallyawake!  Sorry to hear about your Mum's false accusations.  The person with uBPD in my life is my sister, but things only got really bad 3 years ago after my Mum died.  Within a few weeks I was being accused of all sorts of vile and mad things, and I found it really stressful.  For ages I thought it was all just designed to make me feel bad, and make other people dislike me, because she told the same stories to other people.  But after I did some research and found this site, I started to realise that a lot of it is about abandonment issues.  Although I am now NC as far as possible, I would never have dreamed of abandoning her before she started this hate campaign against me, and I put up with an awful lot before I gave up and started to distance myself.  But there was often a common theme to the accusations around excluding her.  She kept saying I was stopping her going to a property of my Mother's - but she was the one who had the keys!  Even if she hadn't - the neighbour had a key, so she could have gone there, and got in, and made copies of the keys!  This lie got repeated so often I arranged with the neighbour to get spares made, checked they worked then sent her a set via the solicitor (if I had sent them direct she would have pretended not to receive them). I thought that would put a stop to it but it didn't.  Even then, she went there, and the neighbour and estate agent knew she had let herself in and met people there, which of course she had every right to do, but she later sent me a nasty text saying the key didn't work and I had to send her another one!  It was complete madness.  In one letter she accused me of excommunicating her!  And if I suggested a future occasion where we might meet - she would accuse me of saying we wouldn't let her see us until then - when all I was doing was making plans!  I think she does have a massive fear of abandonment, which is really sad, but her way of dealing with it was to constantly accuse me of doing terrible things (which I'd never done), to the point where it got so stressful I couldn't face any communication with her at all.  I think it is sometimes a form of gas lighting, and I really thought at one point, when my anxiety levels were really high, that I would have a nervous breakdown, or a stroke or something, and I had to go NC or I would have lost my mind.  So I feel for you, and I can only recommend as other people have said, setting boundaries, and limiting contact and absolutely refusing to engage in any of those mad circular argument where you keep pointing out that you never said or did such and such, and their accusations just get madder and nastier. My uBPDsis also would accuse me of causing problems with her utility supplier!  I had never contacted her gas supplier!  She gave the solicitor information for my late mother's tax return, then wrote to me accusing me of withholding information!  I had never had anything to do with my Mum's tax returns!  I know how exhausting it is, but engaging with it just saps your energy and doesn't seem to help them.  The light never seems to go on with them that they might just be wrong, and talking complete rubbish!   I wish you well.  

[Fie]

Hello Finallyawake,

I am so sorry you have to go through this. If it makes you feel any better, like probably a lot of people here, I know how you feel. My ex used  to do those things all of the time. It always left me feel  powerless  and somehow I also always felt bad for doing things I actually never did. Twisted, right ?

Your mum, however  your mum, behaves in a way that is totally inappropriate. On every level. She makes that you cannot enjoy your life. And (I hope you don't mind me saying this), you are letting her. I strongly believe we all have a choice in life, in everything we do. She has a choice for behaving the way she does, even with a severe character disturbance. And you have the choice of staying around, and of playing too much into her cards. You totally have the freedom to tell her to fill her own forms, watch her own movie, etc. I know you are probably in a situation where you are feeling a LOT of FOG - I have  also been there, and  to some extend I am still. That is what a BPD upbringing does to us. But please, please bear in mind that there are also people who have a normal life. And they would never accept what you are accepting. And that does not make them less lovely people. It just makes them people who know what it is to have a normal life, without someone slowly suffocating them.

If I am too harsh, please tell me. I just want that you hear the other side  of the story. The side where you too have a right to be happy.

Please keep posting here, there are people who care about you and who are following your story.

[Finallyawake]

I know I am letting Mom do this to me. I have my whole life. I am for the first time in my life aware of this and want to change things. I don't mind you pointing this out.

I know that if I wanted to, I could make my mother move out of my home today. It would be World War III, but I understand I COULD do it. I understand that I am CHOOSING not to. I am instead choosing to take baby steps regularly to bring about change. In the meantime, I understand that I will encounter emotional abuse from Mom. This is why I am trying to learn skills to change myself, since I can't change her.

Honestly, I am not sure I feel as much FOG as I used to. I suppose I am afraid of the wrath I would face if I made any dramatic changes all at once. I do feel an obligation because she has no one else besides me. I really don't think she could live on her own. I don't think I feel the guilt anymore though. More than fear or obligation, I honestly don't know how I would get my mom to move out. I am ok with her staying in my home, provided I have more freedom, which is what I am working on.

I do not think you are being too harsh. I would love to be one of those lovely people who are strong enough to not take this kind of behavior.

The most bizarre part is that I think of her almost as two different people. One is disassociating, angry, miserable, complaining, and not rational. The other is smart, funny, likable, caring, and rational. I've been in the strange place of almost wanting to come to her to ask how I deal with the BPD. Yet, I obviously know that I can't. I've come to her for advice and friendship, and to be my mom my whole life. I've never had to face anything big on my own. She was always there for me. Now, the first time in my life that I have something absolutely enormous to deal with that impacts both me and her is the very thing that I can't come to her about. This is tearing me up inside beyond belief. The person I love the most is also the person who is making me the most miserable.

The biggest difference in me is that until the past few weeks, I would only acknowledge the side of my mom that I love. I am now honest with myself that the horrible side exists too.

Thank you Fie for saying that there are people here following my story and who care. I will continue to post. You are all so helpful to me. I also hope that my story is helpful to others as well.