How to communicate with your expwBPD when you been painted black?

[codes316]

Hi, I wanted some tips on how to communicate when your expwBPD paints you black. It seems like everything I say turns into negativity.

The reason why I want to open up communication with her after being 6 months of broken up is that I want to forgive her and be forgiven. I said some really awful things at the time of break up; It seems like karma or something has kind of ruined my luck for a while as some bad things have happened to me. In all honestly, I didn't know she had BPD until it was all over and I was seeking answers. I wanted to see if a friendship is something that is possible.

[Heartbroken_guy]

I wouldn't. My BPD showed up after six months of NC and i thought i would get some closure but i got hurt even more.

once your are painted black they actually believe that so there is no way in earth you can convince them otherwise.

I know you want closure with your partner but you will never get it from them. just accept it and move on. trust me i went right back to square zero after facing her.

They will never change... .

keep up the good fight and be strong. let it go, easier said than done but find it in you to do so for your own sake.

[SoMadSoSad]

IMO all your good qualities and the good memories of the relationship are locked in a vault in her mind. She has also locked with them her had qualities in said vault. The only way to get into this vault is of something triggers her to remember the times. But once she does she will also remember her bad qualities and her defensive coping mechanisms will trigger again and she will be forced to split you black again. She avoids you because you are now connected with her bad qualities and she is happier locking those away in a vault and moving on to someone new. This is all just guess work and speculation of course.

[Meili]

Hey Codes.

I can completely relate to wanting to forgive and get forgiveness. I struggled with the same thing until about a week ago. The feelings had become a compulsion and then an obsession. I was stuck and writhing in my own guilt. I had to release it. What I did was wrote my x a letter. A real, on paper letter. I put it in an envelop, sealed it and attached postage. Then I put it in a drawer. It sat in that drawer for several weeks. Against the advice of others, including my T, I finally sent it. I felt an instant sense of relief. I had forgiven her and apologized (thus forgiving myself) for my own actions. The reason that I did it via post is because she couldn't instantly respond to it and I'd never know if she actually read it. I wrote it for me, not for her is the reality of it. That's the thing though, your ex can't give you forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself.

So, are you looking for forgiveness from her? Do you think that's something that she can actually give you, or is it something that you need to find inside yourself maybe?

What would happen if she said, "I forgive you," and then continued with the very same behaviors that she exhibited before? Would you feel any better at all?

As for the friendship part, the obvious thing to look at is why you would want to be friends with someone who abused you? What's in it for you? What do you stand to gain?

[codes316]

Hey Codes.

I can completely relate to wanting to forgive and get forgiveness. I struggled with the same thing until about a week ago. The feelings had become a compulsion and then an obsession. I was stuck and writhing in my own guilt. I had to release it. What I did was wrote my x a letter. A real, on paper letter. I put it in an envelop, sealed it and attached postage. Then I put it in a drawer. It sat in that drawer for several weeks. Against the advice of others, including my T, I finally sent it. I felt an instant sense of relief. I had forgiven her and apologized (thus forgiving myself) for my own actions. The reason that I did it via post is because she couldn't instantly respond to it and I'd never know if she actually read it. I wrote it for me, not for her is the reality of it. That's the thing though, your ex can't give you forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself.

So, are you looking for forgiveness from her? Do you think that's something that she can actually give you, or is it something that you need to find inside yourself maybe?

What would happen if she said, "I forgive you," and then continued with the very same behaviors that she exhibited before? Would you feel any better at all?

As for the friendship part, the obvious thing to look at is why you would want to be friends with someone who abused you? What's in it for you? What do you stand to gain?

Wow, thank you for the post. I guess there are a lot of things to think about. If I really think about it: I know that I can't ever be with her, but I would be open to still having her present in my life as a far distant friend.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi there,

  First off, 

Secondly, do not try to contact her after being painted black.  What the other posters are stating is very accurate. Once you are painted black you are perceived as a threat. Trying to get "closure" comes across as aggressive stalking and they truly feel threatened.

In a healthy mind, your closure attempt may result in a content parting, but in a BPD mind you are now the enemy, the perpetrator and they are the helpless victim.

We have all done something wrong in our relationships. That is life, my friend. Try to forgive yourself. That is the only real closure you will get. Someday she might very well contact you. Just let her come to you, do not approach her.

Hopefully by the time that happens you will have gotten past your need for her validation. In the end it really doesn't matter what she thinks. You two are over... .bigger battles ahead my friend!