Deep down, I still wish her the worst

[Musicmaker1]

As always an Intro: After a relationship of almost 3 years and a marriage of 1 year, last october I couldn't hold on any longer and I broke up with my BPD wife. All the insults, the lies, painting me black, the pulling and pushing... .I was broken down and I had to protect myself. For those interested in reading my whole story, check out this topic here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287599.0

On topic: It's about 9 months since the break-up, I'm doing pretty well now. I have an awesome new job that I love, I work-out often and I had a few dates even. Nothing too succesful (long term) yet in dating, but that 's OK, I'll see what's coming my way and I have no real expectations. Generally I feel good and the pain of the BPD relationship slowly diminishes.

What doesn't diminish however, is that I still wish her the worst, for the things she has done to me. By the worst I mean: Lots of bad luck and that she gets sent back to her country. I had a few sessions with a psychologist and we discovered that I have a hard time dealing with injustice. Figuratively speaking: She punched me a 1000 times in the face with a hammer and she didn't have to pay for it, she didn't receive any punches back, she didn't have to answer for her wrongdoings whatsoever. She just moves on to her next boyfriend, leaving me shattered. 

I do think less about her every month, which is great, but when I do... .the level of angriness is there immediatly. Almost or maybe even to the level of hatred. Rationally I know that she really is the victim here. She is the one with the disorder, I can move on with my life, etc... .But rationally knowing that, doesn't make these feelings go away. Also, knowing about her disorder doesn't justify all her actions for me. She went so extreme in hurting me, disorder or not... .it was wrong and I got hurt badly.

I hope some of you can give me some advice on how maybe to make this sort of anger slowly diminish. Any reply is greatly appreciated!

[rfriesen]

Hi Musickmaker,

First, congratulations on putting your life back together and moving forward! That's the big initial battle there. As for your anger, I don't feel I have any great insight to share. I can say that I definitely relate to what you describe, that I still (three and a half months from final break-up) often feel sudden urges to see my ex suffer some kind of humiliation or heartache, especially in the context of relationships going forward. And I can imagine that's related to some sense of "justice" on my part -- knowing that she can be incredibly selfish, disregard other people's feelings, and just take what she wants ... .all that makes me feel she should "learn her lesson". I know, though, at bottom that the real gut-wrenching feeling I'm experiencing is not so much desire for "justice" as for "revenge". And I think that if I ever did see my ex actually broken down and ruined by a horrible experience, I'd feel awful. Basically, I still have really conflicting emotions. I miss our relationship a lot at times, and long to relive our highs. Then I have such anger and, yes, maybe even feelings of hatred.

I don't know that I really have any advice. But, personally, I try to identify with my more generous feelings of love and compassion, and try to treat my surges of anger and disgust as passing states. And I try to just keep faith that with more time and perspective, that will become easier to do, hopefully finally giving me a sense of peace and a balanced view of my ex that might still include some anger, but not desire for revenge or to see her hurt. At least that's my hope.

[rfriesen]

Basically, I know that I'm not vengeful by nature, that I don't wish people harm, that I did love my ex and still do, although with a lot of hurt and anger now thrown in ... .and so I remind myself that I don't want to be someone who wishes my ex harm, even if according to some sense of "justice" she needs to learn a lesson in how to care for and respect those who are close to her. I don't want to feel such hostility towards someone I was so in love with, it makes me miserable ... .which gives me some confidence that in time I'll "come back to myself" and those feelings of anger and revenge will have faded. In the meantime, I try not to identify with those feelings -- I just treat them as temporary, painful, and unwelcome experiences.

[Herodias]

I understand fully... .I just had to put another big check in the mail for the lawyer! I am so mad right now... .he should have had to pay for the whole divorce. Now it't turning out he is really not even paying half.  He is going off playing poor me who has no money and in the meantime, I am paying my lawyer hourly to teach his criminal lawyer how to practice family law! I'm so angry... .I feel the same way. I am still paying for having married him and what is he doing, playing games with the court system and in the end, I think he's going to run off and pay me nothing. I had to loan him money to get the divorce and he is supposed to pay me back... .I feel totally beat up. I have never wished harm to anyone, but a little karma coming to these two horrible people who did what they did, wouldn't hurt my feelings in the least... .

[HoneyB33]

I get feeling angry like that, and honestly I don't think it's wrong. I think it's a huge part of justice, and our hearts fighting for what we deserve. These ppl are disordered, yes. But abuse is abuse, and no one is EVER allowed to abuse us and get away with it.

Idk, I guess I have come to terms with the fact that I do wish the worse for my ex. I don't want what happened to me to make me cruel or bitter, but to me, that sure as hell doesn't mean I have to wish someone the best who inflicted horrible pain on me. I think this stuff can circle us into the same "kindness" obligation that kept us being abused in the first place. I'm not longer interested in that type of "kindness". To me it can go right along with the same "understanding" we tried to bring into the relationship. "Oh they're weak, damaged, broken... .I can't expect X because they have Y wrong." I'm sick of settling for other ppl's issues.

Only you know the balance of what is right for you, but I know for me, being angry at this person is my own soul fighting back. All humans have basic rights, yes. But when you start harming other people, no, you don't deserve "good". Don't let these ppl's disorders hide the fact that they still very much have choices like all the rest of us, and they chose to hurt you. They didn't make a mistake and then come back and say, "Sorry, I'm broken and trying to change." That's completely different! They harmed you and then tried to tell you how you deserved it. F**k that.

That's not to say that I don't feel sorry for this person. I do. I also felt really sorry for her when we were together, and look where that got me? I think there is a huge balance to be had. I do feel sorry for her, but that does not mean I wish good for her. She isn't worthy of that from me anymore, and I will not give it.

That doesn't mean that I don't wish CHANGE for her. The reason I feel this way is because I do hope that $hit gets bad enough for her that she is forced to face herself. That she is forced to get treatment. But I also do hope that she has to pay for what she has done to me in the process--absolutely. But I think those things are one in the same. By "wishing abusive ppl the best" I think all we are really doing is teaching them more tolerance for their BS.

[English Sid]

Totally agree HoneyB33 with your comments below, especially the last sentence

That doesn't mean that I don't wish CHANGE for her. The reason I feel this way is because I do hope that $hit gets bad enough for her that she is forced to face herself. That she is forced to get treatment. But I also do hope that she has to pay for what she has done to me in the process--absolutely. But I think those things are one in the same. By "wishing abusive ppl the best" I think all we are really doing is teaching them more tolerance for their BS.

[Xstang77]

I struggle with this myself and the way she probably paints me black and has inside jokes about me to other people,I literally hate her guts sometimes and then I think about how crappy

She makes her own life when she does this to me I even laughed because she's currently living in a tent and going on public assistance which she always hated the thought of.so I may be lonely and depressed but I'll stick to my boring stable life with my own place and a job and I'll be 24 and debt free in a couple months meanwhile she's living In a tent with over $17k of failed college attempt debts.

[JerryRG]

I still get angry at my BPDxgf, she lied to me so many times in the last week I just gave up trying to figure them all out, in the past I would play detective so I knew something, anything. I'm able to just let it go now. I gave her so much, too much.

She's still sick all the time, unhappy, broke, her car is almost wore out. No job, no future and she and her bf believe he's going to be the greatest music artist and they will live happy ever after.

They are both deluded, everyone I've talked to knows this. Just last weekend she's ready to get long term help and I guess she looked down that long lonesome road and just gave up.

Her time is coming, she's scraping bottom and she's about to lose her son, my son. All because she won't or cannot face her reality.

Am I angry? Yes because she could get well if she would just try something, anything. Some say she's too far gone, my sponsor believes she's destine to kill herself in the near future.

Maybe

[rfriesen]

I get feeling angry like that, and honestly I don't think it's wrong. I think it's a huge part of justice, and our hearts fighting for what we deserve. These ppl are disordered, yes. But abuse is abuse, and no one is EVER allowed to abuse us and get away with it.

Idk, I guess I have come to terms with the fact that I do wish the worse for my ex. I don't want what happened to me to make me cruel or bitter, but to me, that sure as hell doesn't mean I have to wish someone the best who inflicted horrible pain on me. I think this stuff can circle us into the same "kindness" obligation that kept us being abused in the first place. I'm not longer interested in that type of "kindness". To me it can go right along with the same "understanding" we tried to bring into the relationship. "Oh they're weak, damaged, broken... .I can't expect X because they have Y wrong." I'm sick of settling for other ppl's issues.

[... .]

That doesn't mean that I don't wish CHANGE for her. The reason I feel this way is because I do hope that $hit gets bad enough for her that she is forced to face herself. That she is forced to get treatment. But I also do hope that she has to pay for what she has done to me in the process--absolutely. But I think those things are one in the same. By "wishing abusive ppl the best" I think all we are really doing is teaching them more tolerance for their BS.

HoneyB, I get exactly what you're saying, except that I disagree that wishing someone the best means settling for their issues. I stepped away from the relationship with my ex, and I wouldn't go back to it. I am not settling for her issues or BS. I've explained to her the ways I think she is selfish and cruel. She doesn't want to hear it now, she says she can't be bothered to change. Fine, what more can I do? What good does it do for me to impotently wish pain upon her? I certainly don't wish for her to be happy while she continues to wreak havoc in people's lives and chase all her selfish desires so recklessly. But, same as you same about your ex, I would like my ex to realise that the pain she inflicts on people around her is wrong and that she's going to end up in a more and more chaotic place if she doesn't change. And I do wish her the best with that. I have no doubt it will be really painful for her to face her inner demons if she ever does. But I don't long for her to suffer for the sake of suffering, or to suffer more than necessary to work through her issues. And, no, that doesn't mean settling for her issues. Sure, I still get angry at times, even to the point of wishing my ex harm, but I don't hold onto that feeling. Ultimately, I think we all want to get to the point where we're happy enough in our own lives that we don't need anger and hostility to keep us from wanting our exes back.

[JerryRG]

I agree rfriesen

If these people would seek the help they need instead of destroying lives we would have less insensitive to be angry with them. My exgf didn't want to work on her issues and I had to walk away as well. She found another enabler to prop up her victim mentally and he's already paid with spending 2 days in jail. Because of his criminal background he's well able to accept it.

I still get angry with my exgf because I worked harder than ever before to give her the best, never enough for her because her disorder demands endless attention and validation.

I realize I was addicted and obsessed with her and I cannot blame that on her because of my foo issues.

We didn't cause them to be sick, we cannot cure them and it isn't our responsibility to even try.

Because I worked so hard to get well for her I'm reaping the benifits of my diligence.

[seenr]

This is a great post & I am taking a lot out of the posts from JerryRG

If there is one silver lining out of all of this, it is that I am emerging a far better person after 8 years knowing this lady. I feel that the man who ran into her has been tamed, is more sensitive to how I affect others, am slower to react with anger, try to see things from the other's point of view and am a nicer person than what I was then.

She doesn't see that but the important thing is I know it. For now being a good Dad and a nice person to my friends & family is enough but one day I do think some lady might be happy they ended up with me given the work I've done on myself this past few years.

I agree rfriesen

If these people would seek the help they need instead of destroying lives we would have less insensitive to be angry with them. My exgf didn't want to work on her issues and I had to walk away as well. She found another enabler to prop up her victim mentally and he's already paid with spending 2 days in jail. Because of his criminal background he's well able to accept it.

I still get angry with my exgf because I worked harder than ever before to give her the best, never enough for her because her disorder demands endless attention and validation.

I realize I was addicted and obsessed with her and I cannot blame that on her because of my foo issues.

We didn't cause them to be sick, we cannot cure them and it isn't our responsibility to even try.

Because I worked so hard to get well for her I'm reaping the benifits of my diligence.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Musicmaker1,

I've read your backstory and am sorry that you had to go through that. You have certainly been through a lot in a relatively short time, and I can really understand the feelings you express in this post.

Congratulations on your new life. I'm glad that you feel better these days. Nine months was about the time I felt a shift into something lighter and that I had turned a corner in my grieving, too.

Anger is a natural and important stage in the grieving process. Absolutely nothing wrong with it. I know for some of us it is harder to feel and express than others (I didn't do well with it  ). You seem to be feeling it, which is good. After our self-esteem takes such a massive hit, there is a part of us that rails against the injustice of it all, and rightly so. 

If you can, let yourself feel the energy of that anger, especially as it impacts you physically, and try not to make yourself feel wrong or guilty for the thoughts that accompany the feeling. You might consider really focusing on the physical sensations and less on the thoughts of your ex, in the moment that you are feeling them, thereby minimizing the "hating" of her (although it's perfectly understandable that your thoughts would be directed that way). What I'm trying to say is that if you judge yourself for the way you feel, the anger may have to stick around longer than is beneficial for your recovery.

So, let your anger have its day (and say). If you think the anger has been sticking around longer than necessary, it might be good to keep in mind that underneath anger is always hurt. For some, feeling anger is preferable to, and easier than, feeling vulnerable, hurt, helpless, etc. I'm not saying that's the case with you; I just wanted to mention it because avoidance of those feelings can be another way of getting stuck in the anger stage.

I commend you for being able to access your compassion for your ex, even in the midst of grieving the loss of the relationship.

Keep up the good work, Musicmaker1, and keep us posted!

heartandwhole

[bunny4523]

Hi Musicmaker,

I can related to what you are saying about the anger.  I am a very compassionate and forgiving person but what is there to forgive with these people?  Meaning they take no accountabiity, rarely ever apologize.  They make you out to be this disgusting, undesirable, incapable useless person.  They get in your head and make you doubt yourself, who you are.  Of course that will result in anger.  I struggled with the anger myself and what I found worked for me was writing.  Write it out- type letters or just lists of all the crap they did to you and how it destroyed you to the inner core.  Then when it is all out and on paper, you are free.  you no longer need to carry it in your heart or your mind.  If you ever need to reference it, you've got it in writing somewhere.  Then smile and say out loud, "You won't break me, you won't change me, I will continue to love and be loved."  Take your power back.  As soon as you are able to do that, I think you will feel better.  The majority of the anger will be gone.  Bits and pieces will come in slowly after that but once you can do this with the big angry thoughts, the little ones are a piece of cake!

Try to remember the longer you hang on to this anger, the more it wil continue to effect your present and your future. Your ex already traumatized your past, don't let her have another minute. 


I hope it works for you - it really helped free me.  

Bunny