Friend zoned, then detached.Normal?

[Hopefulgirl]

Was put in the friend zone then completely discarded with a statement "I don't need to feel bad about it because youre a friend". Is this a common thing to avoid guilt?

[fromheeltoheal]

Well, we all use justifications and rationalizations to allow us to feel better about our decisions and actions.  Can you go into more detail Hopeful?

[Turkish]

Guilt,  perhaps, or its cousin: shame.

Is that any way to treat a friend either? How did you respond?

[woundedPhoenix]

Same was going on on my end, until i drew a clear line.

It wasn't that she really was still a friend to me, only the idea felt safe to her keeping me around or even triangulate me, but she totally was not acting in a way a friend would act.

She was lying, had been setting up replacement(s) for months behind my back, and had been outright selfish.

[hergestridge]

Was put in the friend zone then completely discarded with a statement "I don't need to feel bad about it because youre a friend". Is this a common thing to avoid guilt?

In what way were you discarded?

In a way it's true, he shouldn't need to feel bad about leaving someone (either partner of friend) because he's free to do that. But when he puts it like that makes me think he had a reason feel bad. What could that be?

[Hopefulgirl]

Ive always known he has alot of female friends. Girls that he had dated and slept with were always refered to as a friend, never term "girlfriend" even though they refered to him as their ex boyfriend.

Spent a wonderful romantic weekend visiting him in a neighboring town (he refered to it as a great Date Weekend) then several days later find out he has come to town and spending the night with girl who he used to date (called by him an emotionally abusive brat he was "done with" ). I get really upset of course because he knows I have sincere feelings for him. After outpouring of emotion and hurt as calmly as I can he says that he is unable to comprehend my dissappointment in him because Im his friend, actually like SISTER to him (jaw drop). I say to him that Im not his sister because I dont have sex and go out with people for months I think of as a brother. So its probably best to say his boundaries are wobly. Went from being the "Person most understanding and closest and dearest to him" to be made to feel like disposable inconvenient person. We are in our 40's and I should know better too. He gets angry at ME for crying, then silent treatment with a callous text or two. Nothing ever close to an "Im sorry".

Later says to me that he needed for me to be his friend because he cared for me TOO much to have a romantic relationship going, he NEEDED it to be that way. I understand his disorder to a point, but explaining his actions to caring friends gets replies like "sounds like your typical garden variety manipulative playboy". I'm well aware of those types but this guy is not like that, he has a Disorder i rationalize.

After NC for two months run into him at a party, things turned out horrible with that girl, huge mistake, misses me, wonders if we can start dating again, I forgive because I love him. We date, month later I wake up his bags are packed says he needs to work on himself and cant be in a commited relationship right now. I try to be understanding but im crushed because he seemed to have been so happy with me. Two days later a "friend" of his changes her status to being "In a relationship" with him and deeply in love. Sends me an email saying that he never loved me but I was a friend but he didnt have to explain himself because we never dated. ? And it was unfair and ___ed up for him to be angry at him.

Six weeks later moves in with and proposes marriage to new girl. Three months later he breaks up with her and rings me up later and tells me it was a huge mistake to discard me and when he tells her he wants to stay friends she doesnt understand  and is distraught and broken and he says her sobbing is manipulative. He goes back to the girl before me.And the cycle begins again... .

Sorry for length of this or going off track, but writing this out has helped because it truly makes you see how screwed up it is. I think I need to go on a "coping With Codependency" website :-(

[fromheeltoheal]

Sorry for length of this or going off track, but writing this out has helped because it truly makes you see how screwed up it is. I think I need to go on a "coping With Codependency" website :-(

Hey Hopeful-

Well, this is a coping with codependency website, specifically as it pertains to relationships with borderlines, so you might be in the right place already.

A trait of the disorder is "a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation".  Sounds like you were right in the middle of that, and can relate.

How are you feeling about you right now?

[Hopefulgirl]

I was a good person to him,I dont hate myself for trying. I was caring, understanding ,patient, giving, warm. Never knowingly made him have any cause for self loathing. But my self esteem has suffered because of this.

I care more about his depression than my own.

I care more about his happiness.

I fear that he will never slay his dragons.

I fear that he will always have self loathing.

I fear he will be turned away by people who love him and be destitute.

I fear he will marry his "soulmate" one day and I'll just be a girl he used to know.

I fear I will never hear from him again and it will have no affect on him.

I fear I will get a call from his sister one morning telling me he's died in some horrible stupid way.

Because Ive always felt, I'm the strong one. Lay all your troubles on me and I will think the best of you and save you from your demons, not like those other girls. My door is always open. I can take it, Im financially secure, level headed, confident, with loving supportive friends and family so if i suffer Im going to be okay. Its OKAY if I suffer(?)

When talking about my "replacement" one day (after he left her) he put it best:

"She is smart and kind and she'd do anything for me. She wants me. She really loves me. I told her she needs to go see a psychiatrist".

[fromheeltoheal]

Good self awareness Hopeful, you sound in touch with your feelings, which is not always the case coming out of these relationships; shutting down is a coping mechanism some use.

It's understandable, when in a relationship with someone who is in a lot of emotional pain and needs to turn to others to help soothe emotions, that they will become the full-time project and you will be the full-time fixer, ignoring your own needs.  And you may be predisposed to that; are there other times or other relationships where you've ignored your own needs in favor of someone else's?  And a codependent not only puts someone else's needs ahead of their own, they gain a sense of identity by being the sounding board, the fixer, the enabler, whatever, for someone else; does that sound like you?

Where do you think that belief that you're the strong one came from?  Not a negative thing, being strong is a virtue, although also being the one to take on the suffering is to be a martyr, a way to get our needs met; where do you think that came from and what needs did/does it meet, and on what level?

"She is smart and kind and she'd do anything for me. She wants me. She really loves me. I told her she needs to go see a psychiatrist"

That one's all about delivery, although it says a lot about him, her, and you, so you say.  What do you think his motivation(s) for saying it was?

[Hopefulgirl]

Fromheeltoheal,

I think that last quote was his version of "I wouldn't want to be part of a club that would have me in it". Basically he felt some sort of obligation to a woman who wanted him or admired him so much but he also thought if someone wanted to put up with his issues, infidelity, abandonement, something must be screwed up with THEM.   

Even after abandoned by him for his ex she was so in love she kept calling him posting glowing things about him on Twitter and beging him to give HER another chance. Long story short, she buys a HOUSE so he will visit her without her dad around(?) and tells him she will pay for him to see a really good expensive therapist and pay for his bills so he doesn't have to stress about that so he started dating her and moved back in with her. Got a text from him the other day saying he was touring Italy for two weeks with The woman.

Everything you said is true. I'm a caregiver type and when he was with me in good times he would say how secure and good I made him feel, and it made me feel good. Not a martyr way maybe, but I was always focased on him being so sensitive I often ignored the fact he was being INsensitive to me.

I thought I was strong in beginning. That has become eroded which ironically is probably one of the reasons why being friend zoned happened. He sees me as weak because when he first discarded me, I'm embarrassed to say, I went into the worst depression of my life. And he knows I miss him terribly.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Hopeful-

I thought I was strong in beginning. That has become eroded which ironically is probably one of the reasons why being friend zoned happened. He sees me as weak because when he first discarded me, I'm embarrassed to say, I went into the worst depression of my life. And he knows I miss him terribly.

Your strength becoming eroded is the good news; it was there to begin with so you can get it back, take it back.

A borderline is looking for an idealized fantasy, the perfect person, the perfect union, the savior that will finally, after all these years, make their pain go away.  You were that for him initially, until you weren't, nobody's perfect, but borderlines can't see shades of grey, it's black or white, you're either perfect or your not, the relationship is either perfect or it's not, and if it's not, it can't be anything he did, that would trigger too much shame, so it has to be you.  Very painful to be on the receiving end of that, and if you're in deep emotionally and start to believe that you did something "wrong", erosion of that strength and self esteem starts to set in.  Crappy place to be.

So now, realizing that, you say you miss him terribly, someone you had a relationship with that resulted in erosion of your strength and landed you in the worst depression of your life.  So what's that about?  Where did that come from, why did your brain go where it went?  :)igging there is the gift of these relationships, an opportunity for profound personal growth motivated by pain; how can you now use what happened?

[Hopefulgirl]

Thank you so much Fromheeltoheal. Wish I had discovered this site a long time ago... .I think it would have saved me from so many anguished days and prevented me from trying to hold onto a friendship with my fingertips.

Feeling devalued and left is painful enough with even a NonBPD person. With people with this disorder it's magnified times ten. You really have to have your s**t together to keep your head above water. In my heart I know he wouldn't want any of this to destroy my self esteem.

[fromheeltoheal]

In my heart I know he wouldn't want any of this to destroy my self esteem.

Yes, that is common around here; we can see the good, the beauty, in someone with a personality disorder, unfortunately that good is inaccessible, at least for long.

But that's him.  Fact is it did hurt your strength and self esteem, don't want to say destroy because it's still there, it will surface again as you detach, and part of that is deciding if you're going to keep him in your life on any level.  There is no right way to detach, just ways that work and ways that don't, and best to focus on you and your needs exclusively for now, militantly, since you swung the other way pretty far yes?