Hi Penny,
Good to see you back and to hear that things have gotten better.
I try to stay out of my d's personal life as much as possible. In the last 2 years I have only once made a request that had consequences attached to it... .thankfully she complied and I didn't have to enforce those consequences (or even figure out what they were... .she let her imagination do that! ) I sometimes will ask a validating question to get her to think about something she may not have previously considered and then I let it go.
If you would like to read up on asking validating questions and why/how it works you can find that info here:
The Power of Asking Validating QuestionsYour concern about the confusion this may be causing the gkids is valid... .they are so young. They need stability. Are you able to spend much time with them? Be a stabilizing force in their lives?
lbj