Daughter again

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi, things have been going ok, I have been using the skills all the wonderful people here have been posting and on the site itself. But, my unBPD daughter 27, keeping going with two different men, she admitted to me she doesn't love the one she has been with for 4 years and just likes that he has money, he talking about buying her a house!  The other one is a felon (assault with a deadly weapon/drug dealing). Both of these men(?) know about each other and the last week she told me and my youngest daughter she broke it off with felon but I course I find she posting pictures on Facebook with him and the grandkids. Do I just stay out of this? I'm really having a hard time with the dishonesty of the whole situation, not to mention how confusing this must be for the grandkids (ages 3, 6, and 7) Any ideas? thanks for listening. 

[penny52]

Hi, things have been going ok, I have been using the skills all the wonderful people here have been posting and on the site itself. But, my unBPD daughter 27, keeping going with two different men, she admitted to me she doesn't love the one she has been with for 4 years and just likes that he has money, he talking about buying her a house!  The other one is a felon (assault with a deadly weapon/drug dealing). Both of these men(?) know about each other and the last week she told me and my youngest daughter she broke it off with felon but I course I find she posting pictures on Facebook with him and the grandkids. Do I just stay out of this? I'm really having a hard time with the dishonesty of the whole situation, not to mention how confusing this must be for the grandkids (ages 3, 6, and 7) Any ideas? thanks for listening. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Penny,

Good to see you back and to hear that things have gotten better.

I try to stay out of my d's personal life as much as possible. In the last 2 years I have only once made a request that had consequences attached to it... .thankfully she complied and I didn't have to enforce those consequences (or even figure out what they were... .she let her imagination do that!  )  I sometimes will ask a validating question to get her to think about something she may not have previously considered and then I let it go.

If  you would like to read up on asking validating questions and why/how it works you can find that info here:

The Power of Asking Validating Questions

Your concern about the confusion this may be causing the gkids is valid... .they are so young.  They need stability.  Are you able to spend much time with them?  Be a stabilizing force in their lives?

lbj

[penny52]

I usually take them overnight every couple of weeks, she says she understands this is not good for the kids, but never does anything to change it. I do ask her questions and try to validating but I also make it clear what I think of the whole situation, so far she agrees and doesn't get mad. I guess I'll just have to wait and see, thanks for your input, it is hard to watch BPD's with children, patience was never my strong suit, but boy, I'm learning it now.