BPD Ex Moved in with Replacement-Struggling

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi All! Well it's been awhile since I posted on here. Some of you know my story, if not I provided a brief introduction below. I have been on this site for over four years having figured out my ex's condition... .

(she was never diagnosed that I know of) said she was bi-polar with ADHD and "frontal lobe issues"---whatever that means with a horrible soap opera-ish past. This site has helped me greatly, especially when I thought I myself was going crazy. It's sad we are all on here and there is a need for this site, however it has been a godsend to say the least!

Thank you, BPD Family!

May 7th was exactly a year to the day my ex discarded me and never looked back. We had a very rocky, unstable union (like almost all of us on here)... .She broke up with me over 13 times in three years, left me twice for others, went back to an ex once, changed her number twice... .threatened a RO more than a few times. Once in the three years she completely disassociated, spit in my face and almost broke my arm in a terrifying rage.

I was in a very bad place and so was she. I KNOW I was a trigger for her. I didn't try to be... .just breathing triggered her.

I am well enough removed that reading the above paragraphs makes me cringe. I was part of a very dysfunctional, very abusive situation. This is a person who after the spitting incident told me I am very lucky she didn't "head butt" me and kill me because she wanted to.

And yet I stayed with her after that statement. Clearly, I have my own issues.

I stayed another year. Threw her a huge birthday... .depleted a large chunk of my savings in this mess and in the end ended up alone. She met someone in a social group I run, someone I confided in about our abusive relationship... .

and THEY got together. Mazel Tov!



I've been lurking on these boards the past few weeks wanting to comment/post but not sure I had the strength to do so. I started to relish in my anonymity and finally decided I was becoming a bit of a creeper and needed to just post already.    I am so tired of thinking about her and yet getting past the ruminations is so hard. I think about her daily however since I heard she is moving, and she also reached out to my best friend, a best friend who deleted her off FB after the break up, about needing a "wedding photographer" (which I am sure she knew would get back to me) just brought all this stuff to the surface.

Recently I found out she moved in with the girl she replaced me with. She moved in with our dog, the dog I named, the dog we bought together. She now lives a whole town away... .not a mile down the road.

When we first broke up she tried to triangulate me with the girl. In three years I read so much about BPD I spotted this and thwarted it. I went NC. After one or two attempts met with silence she never contacted me again.

What happened later was a vicious smear campaign which luckily I was able to corral because I had been very honest with close friends and family once I figured out what BPD was. People unfriended her. Her own ex's unfriended her!

And I am the "bad guy" who talked smack about her. I was truthful. I told people in hopes the more people knew the less likely I would be to go back to a bad situation.

Today I am struggling. Again, I know this was a terrible situation. I know this was not healthy for me, for her, for anyone around us. I know I have an ego wound. It is literally killing me inside that she is now living with the person she left me for. We couldn't make it a month without her picking a huge, crazy argument.

I guess this post is really to vent. Again, logically I know this is about me and how I feel about myself. I am much better off without this person. I have an amazing career (after rebounding from almost losing this job in the middle of our chaotic relationship), I have supportive and loving friends and family. I even have a great girlfriend who was with me through this entire ordeal as a friend. Someone who WONT give up on me... .yet I am still bothered that my ex's relationship will work out. I know all of her relationships have ended in disaster. I also know she dates the same exes over and over again, sometimes years later.

I don't want her. I guess my ego just wants proof this is BPD. I want her to contact me just to put my mind at rest.

Some of you have been on these boards longer than me. How did you get past this (if you did).Therapy? Dating other people? Distractions? I truly want to let go of this but I am not sure how to. I know this is a narc ego wound but how the heck do you heal it?

[Pretty Woman]

Hi All! Well it's been awhile since I posted on here. Some of you know my story, if not I provided a brief introduction below. I have been on this site for over four years having figured out my ex's condition... .

(she was never diagnosed that I know of) said she was bi-polar with ADHD and "frontal lobe issues"---whatever that means with a horrible soap opera-ish past. This site has helped me greatly, especially when I thought I myself was going crazy. It's sad we are all on here and there is a need for this site, however it has been a godsend to say the least!

Thank you, BPD Family!

May 7th was exactly a year to the day my ex discarded me and never looked back. We had a very rocky, unstable union (like almost all of us on here)... .She broke up with me over 13 times in three years, left me twice for others, went back to an ex once, changed her number twice... .threatened a RO more than a few times. Once in the three years she completely disassociated, spit in my face and almost broke my arm in a terrifying rage.

I was in a very bad place and so was she. I KNOW I was a trigger for her. I didn't try to be... .just breathing triggered her.

I am well enough removed that reading the above paragraphs makes me cringe. I was part of a very dysfunctional, very abusive situation. This is a person who after the spitting incident told me I am very lucky she didn't "head butt" me and kill me because she wanted to.

And yet I stayed with her after that statement. Clearly, I have my own issues.

I stayed another year. Threw her a huge birthday... .depleted a large chunk of my savings in this mess and in the end ended up alone. She met someone in a social group I run, someone I confided in about our abusive relationship... .

and THEY got together. Mazel Tov!



I've been lurking on these boards the past few weeks wanting to comment/post but not sure I had the strength to do so. I started to relish in my anonymity and finally decided I was becoming a bit of a creeper and needed to just post already.    I am so tired of thinking about her and yet getting past the ruminations is so hard. I think about her daily however since I heard she is moving, and she also reached out to my best friend, a best friend who deleted her off FB after the break up, about needing a "wedding photographer" (which I am sure she knew would get back to me) just brought all this stuff to the surface.

Recently I found out she moved in with the girl she replaced me with. She moved in with our dog, the dog I named, the dog we bought together. She now lives a whole town away... .not a mile down the road.

When we first broke up she tried to triangulate me with the girl. In three years I read so much about BPD I spotted this and thwarted it. I went NC. After one or two attempts met with silence she never contacted me again.

What happened later was a vicious smear campaign which luckily I was able to corral because I had been very honest with close friends and family once I figured out what BPD was. People unfriended her. Her own ex's unfriended her!

And I am the "bad guy" who talked smack about her. I was truthful. I told people in hopes the more people knew the less likely I would be to go back to a bad situation.

Today I am struggling. Again, I know this was a terrible situation. I know this was not healthy for me, for her, for anyone around us. I know I have an ego wound. It is literally killing me inside that she is now living with the person she left me for. We couldn't make it a month without her picking a huge, crazy argument.

I guess this post is really to vent. Again, logically I know this is about me and how I feel about myself. I am much better off without this person. I have an amazing career (after rebounding from almost losing this job in the middle of our chaotic relationship), I have supportive and loving friends and family. I even have a great girlfriend who was with me through this entire ordeal as a friend. Someone who WONT give up on me... .yet I am still bothered that my ex's relationship will work out. I know all of her relationships have ended in disaster. I also know she dates the same exes over and over again, sometimes years later.

I don't want her. I guess my ego just wants proof this is BPD. I want her to contact me just to put my mind at rest.

Some of you have been on these boards longer than me. How did you get past this (if you did).Therapy? Dating other people? Distractions? I truly want to let go of this but I am not sure how to. I know this is a narc ego wound but how the heck do you heal it?

[gotbushels]

Hi Pretty Woman 

I returned too earlier this year mainly to chitchat with nons on the "thinking about it" board 

It's been 1-3 years since my ex and I separated. Things have gone well and I too thank the boards for the community contributions:)

It sounds like it's quite difficult being the SO of someone with various health issues and "frontal lobe issues". I believe I only dealt with one disorder's symptoms and I can only imagine the pain that must be involved when significant other pathologies are introduced. Well done keeping it together in the face of that:)

May 7th was exactly a year to the day my ex discarded me and never looked back. We had a very rocky, unstable union (like almost all of us on here)... .

Yes. Ha... .mine was very stable tyvm. A giant vessel of stability. Just that we broke up more than thirty times. 

She broke up with me over 13 times in three years, left me twice for others, went back to an ex once, changed her number twice... .threatened a RO more than a few times. Once in the three years she completely disassociated, spit in my face and almost broke my arm in a terrifying rage.

DV is serious. I can't explain how serious that is. It's basically the red region for any gauge that lets you know something is going to explode. I can somewhat relate to this. I strongly encourage you to get acquainted with the response processes in your area as well as the site's tools.

I didn't really take it seriously at the time because I became increasingly used to it = VERY VERY BAD. Violence is never the answer and I'd consider that it's a weapon of ignorant people, cowards, defenceless persons, and the oppressed.

I was in a very bad place and so was she. I KNOW I was a trigger for her. I didn't try to be... .just breathing triggered her.

I totally remember this. I associated her with oxygen. When she threatened me with destroying Kreger's book, I posted once something like "I have to keep the other books away from OXYGEN".

And yet I stayed with her after that statement. Clearly, I have my own issues.

Well there's a few of us here with issues. At least you're in the camp that is willing to suggest that it's possible 

I stayed another year. Threw her a huge birthday... .depleted a large chunk of my savings in this mess and in the end ended up alone. She met someone in a social group I run, someone I confided in about our abusive relationship... .

and THEY got together. Mazel Tov!

 I can't think of a way that this is ever an appropriate thing to pursue.

I've been lurking on these boards the past few weeks wanting to comment/post but not sure I had the strength to do so. I started to relish in my anonymity and finally decided I was becoming a bit of a creeper and needed to just post already.    I am so tired of thinking about her and yet getting past the ruminations is so hard. I think about her daily however since I heard she is moving, and she also reached out to my best friend, a best friend who deleted her off FB after the break up, about needing a "wedding photographer" (which I am sure she knew would get back to me) just brought all this stuff to the surface.

Wow this reminds me of when I just couldn't seem to get away.

When we first broke up she tried to triangulate me with the girl. In three years I read so much about BPD I spotted this and thwarted it. I went NC. After one or two attempts met with silence she never contacted me again.

Fantastic. I'm happy for you. I admit I wasn't this prepared for triangulation.

Today I am struggling. Again, I know this was a terrible situation. I know this was not healthy for me, for her, for anyone around us. I know I have an ego wound. It is literally killing me inside that she is now living with the person she left me for. We couldn't make it a month without her picking a huge, crazy argument.

Struggling is normal, as I'm sure you're aware. I think it's good you're stepping out and looking for ways to understand it and handle it:)

I guess this post is really to vent. Again, logically I know this is about me and how I feel about myself. I am much better off without this person. I have an amazing career (after rebounding from almost losing this job in the middle of our chaotic relationship), I have supportive and loving friends and family. I even have a great girlfriend who was with me through this entire ordeal as a friend. Someone who WONT give up on me... .yet I am still bothered that my ex's relationship will work out. I know all of her relationships have ended in disaster. I also know she dates the same exes over and over again, sometimes years later.

I don't want her. I guess my ego just wants proof this is BPD. I want her to contact me just to put my mind at rest.

Some of you have been on these boards longer than me. How did you get past this (if you did).Therapy? Dating other people? Distractions? I truly want to let go of this but I am not sure how to. I know this is a narc ego wound but how the heck do you heal it?

Hmmm. Well I can't speak for the others. I would consider that dating other people and working overly hard are somewhat unhealthy routes. I think a good place to start is to ask why. What is the specific feeling?

You said "I guess my ego just wants proof this is BPD."

What does this mean, exactly? Exactly meaning--what specific feelings and what specific thoughts?

[Fie]

Hello Pretty Woman,

So sorry to hear about the ruminating - I know  all about it !

BPD's hold us a mirror. Have you been wondering about the reasons why you were / stayed with her ? Do you recognize yourself as codependent/enabling, and have you worked out why you are that way ?

I had a relationship with a BPD. After I left, I kept asking myself the same questions : why is he like that ? Is he really BPD, etc.

Until a very good friend of mine, who's psychologist, told me : "now it's enough. This is not about him, it's about you. Why did you stay with him ? Look into the way you were brought up, maybe  there is a connection."

And I did. I stopped thinking about him so much, and I found out that I had been codependant (massively). I figured out why, and after that, started working on myself. My life is so much more transparent now.

[gotbushels]

Hello Pretty Woman,

So sorry to hear about the ruminating - I know  all about it !

Ruminating negatives is tough to get out of. That feels like one is stuck in a whirlpool. If that's your experience, then I've been right there with you. My experience was that when I see the whirlpool from inside the whirlpool--it's tough for me to see anything else. The problem is somewhat mental as being inside the whirlpool--in a way, we seem to be not knowing and not able to connect to things on the outside. Perhaps one can go below deck and find out what is the issue with the four outboard motors?

I discovered one may not be clinically depressed--but hanging out in the whirlpool is not clinically "un-depressed" 

This is consistent with what the APA said:



They found that co-rumination made girls feel closer to their friends. However, they also found that co-rumination increased depression and anxiety. That in turn led to more co-rumination.

Girls may see discussing problems as a way to give and seek support, says Rose. Instead, the conversations seem to make them more depressed. Those feelings of depression and anxiety then led to more co-rumination.

Sounds like you're out of it Fie. I'm happy for you. 

And I did. I stopped thinking about him so much, and I found out that I had been codependant (massively). I figured out why, and after that, started working on myself. My life is so much more transparent now.

This sounds like it took a bit of work Fie. That's difficult and praiseworthy. I do believe when we see chains that are placed there from our FOO, then we deal with them, we can look forward to feeling more free in many ways to walk forward unfettered. I'd consider that it takes a bit of time and courage, but the rewards are potentially very large 

[willtimeheal]

I understand the feeling very well pretty woman. The fear that it will work out with the replacement. I just found out that my exBPDgf is now engaged to the replacement. And to be honest they look really happy. I left my exBPDgf almost two years ago. I had had enough. It was the best decision I ever made for myself. But I do think about her and I wonder. I do secretly hope her new relationship goes sour. Like some how that will validate it wasn't me in the relationship that caused all the issues. But I also know that this feeling is the last hurdle I need to get over to heal. I understand the ego bruise. Hang in there.

[SoMadSoSad]

I try to think of it like this. My ex has been sad her whole life so her finding someone that genuinely makes her happy is a miracle and I'm happy for her. She deserves the happiness she is experiencing now.

[steelwork]

I try to think of it like this. My ex has been sad her whole life so her finding someone that genuinely makes her happy is a miracle and I'm happy for her. She deserves the happiness she is experiencing now.

I reallyreallyreallyreally want to be this zen.

The main thing for me is that I know the person he's with now, and she is genuinely not a kind person. She takes pot shots at others for being: overweight, old, less educated than her, etc etc. She's mean to people she feels threatened by. She's humorless, unless the joke is on someone else. She looks down on people who are "different." So if that's the person he's happy with, then... .I guess I think less of him for it.

[willtimeheal]

I try to think of it like this. My ex has been sad her whole life so her finding someone that genuinely makes her happy is a miracle and I'm happy for her. She deserves the happiness she is experiencing now.

I reallyreallyreallyreally want to be this zen.

The main thing for me is that I know the person he's with now, and she is genuinely not a kind person. She takes pot shots at others for being: overweight, old, less educated than her, etc etc. She's mean to people she feels threatened by. She's humorless, unless the joke is on someone else. She looks down on people who are "different." So if that's the person he's happy with, then... .I guess I think less of him for it.

Wow that sounds like mine. Taking cheap shots at others in order to feel good about herself.

[JerryRG]

I don't care if my ex and her bf get along, she has shared enough and him getting thrown in jail for beating her up speaks for itself. My BPDgf is very low functioning and has very serious issues that may be worse than the average pwBPD.

Still don't know why I seen a princess when in reality she's more of a mentally ill waif but that falls on me. I think, it maybe something to do with my mother and my hope she was someone she was not, that she could love me.

My mother had serious issues as well, beaten down by her family then she married an abusive alcoholic. If there ever was a person who died long before they were buried, it would be my mother.

My foo is messed up.

Sorry for hijacking this thread.

[willtimeheal]

I wonder if my BPDex is happy. An  like you pretty woman I hoped and still hope her new relationship crashes and burns. I try not to but it's hard ... .and I am still healing from all I was out through. I hope in time I won't care.

I was told that this feeling of hoping their happiness won't last is normal. And the more I think about it... .it took me almost six years to see the monster she was/is. If she has changed. Good for her but I doubt she has. If it took me six years I am sure in time her mask will fall for the replacement. Their relationship is still new. And when I start to feel anger or jealousy about her happiness... .I remember all the hell she put me through and I am grateful I am no longer connected to her. And sometimes I feel jealous about the replacement and sometimes i feel oh that poor soul... .I believe in time I will only think... .oh that poor soul.

I was in the relationship for six years... .yours was a long one too... .healing takes time. What you are feeling is normal. And in time it will pass.