Unstable Father Wants Unsupervised Access To Our 4 Month Old Baby

[Dontknow88]

To make a long story short we fell in love, got engaged, made plans to move in with each other, we planned a pregnancy then 6 weeks before I delivered he had a breakdown and broke up with me, saying he lost feelings for me and I deserve better. It's now 5 months down the line and things are rocky. Right now my main priority is my son. My question is, is it over? Have you been or are in this situation ? If it never worked out how is co-parenting working for you? Support is greatly appreciated

[Mutt]

Hi Dontknow88,



I'm sorry to hear that. We can't tell you if it's over or not. Every person that suffers from BPD is a different person with different personalities. BPD is a spectrum disorder and the severity varies.

I co-parent with my ex wife. She displays BPD traits. We had a young family, she had a child from a previous relationship and we had three of our own. A pwBPD fear rejection and will reject the person before they're rejected, perceived or real. A pwBPD may be distant, chase after you or suddenly end the r/s. My ex wife abruptly ended our relationship amd embarked in another one, I was surprised because our family was so young and I was looking forward into the future.

I co-parent, with shared custody but I lean more towards parallel parenting because my ex wife dissociates often and alters reality and can make it incredibly difficult. She had stopped working and wanted me to have her watch our kids and pay her. The kids were under her name at the daycare and she removed all of the kids out of daycare without giving me notice. I have ti work were are the kids supposed to go? They had a routine and friends at daycare but my ex is self absorbed and wanted money to compensate for her lost income. That's just an example, anyways daycare us under my bane now and I mostly parallel parent so that there are little to no opportunities for conflict.

Have you heard from your partner? How is your son? Have family and friends been supportive? You'll find many members here that have similar experiences and you'll find that you'll fit right in. Welcome to the family.

[Dontknow88]

Hi Dontknow88,



I'm sorry to hear that. We can't tell you if it's over or not. Every person that suffers from BPD is a different person with different personalities. BPD is a spectrum disorder and the severity varies.

I co-parent with my ex wife. She displays BPD traits. We had a young family, she had a child from a previous relationship and we had three of our own. A pwBPD fear rejection and will reject the person before they're rejected, perceived or real. A pwBPD may be distant, chase after you or suddenly end the r/s. My ex wife abruptly ended our relationship amd embarked in another one, I was surprised because our family was so young and I was looking forward into the future.

I co-parent, with shared custody but I lean more towards parallel parenting because my ex wife dissociates often and alters reality and can make it incredibly difficult. She had stopped working and wanted me to have her watch our kids and pay her. The kids were under her name at the daycare and she removed all of the kids out of daycare without giving me notice. I have ti work were are the kids supposed to go? They had a routine and friends at daycare but my ex is self absorbed and wanted money to compensate for her lost income. That's just an example, anyways daycare us under my bane now and I mostly parallel parent so that there are little to no opportunities for conflict.

Have you heard from your partner? How is your son? Have family and friends been supportive? You'll find many members here that have similar experiences and you'll find that you'll fit right in. Welcome to the family.

Hello Mutt! Thank you for the welcome  !

Thank you for your honest answer. Sad but it's good to know others can relate. I'm so sorry that you went through that pain/stress.


Right now he is only financially around, he was there for the birth and 2 days after. Was suppose to be 2 weeks to help with the baby but he had another breakdown and left. My son is great! Such a happy baby, surprisingly sleeps all night!.

I get support from my family and his family too. Relationships are great with everyone but him.

On top of that he wants our son for a week (by himself) that's breastfeeding. He gets so angry when I tell him that's too long to be away while breastfeeding.

Then he said he wants a day alone with him, but I'm so afraid and don't want that right now. I have no problem doing so if someone like his mom or someone with him too. (I say this because he's also bipolar and admits that he still feels "insane"

[Dontknow88]

Hello, by now ex broke up with me a month before I gave birth (during a breakdown) he's financially there for our child. He's far from stable in his personal life and wants our now 4 month old son for a couple hours to a full day by himself. Right now sadly I don't trust him (he was never a person that can handle stress, even the simplest of stress) I can't see him  successfully handling our child alone.

How can I kindly tell him no, as you all know how they can take that news.

I'm ok if he has our child with one of his relatives, but he dosent want that. (I'll add that he's never taken care of a child before, let alone a 4 month old)

[Tobiasfunke]

Don't feel guilty. Kid comes first. I'm sure his family understands where you are coming from. You have maternal instincts trust them.

[Dontknow88]

Thanks, I'll try not to, I can just feel the hectic coming.

[Turkish]

If he were stable,  there are ways to do this (pump and supply him with milk). However,  he isn't. 

Do you have documentation of him saying that he feels is insane? Was his paternity established at the hospital?  These are legal questions. It may be hard to think of these things right now,  but if paternity was established,  you have equal parental rights.  The other thing is that you are both responsible for keeping your baby safe. You have a feeling that might not be the case with him. 

Despite his family being kind and understanding,  daddy is still their son.  I wouldn't let your baby out of your sight right now.  If you can hang out with him and his family,  then good. Stick to that boundary,  and resist long explanations which may trigger him. 

Have you consulted a lawyer yet about a custody agreement? 

[Lilyroze]

Hello Dontknow88,

Just wanted to say I know this is so hard right now, but be strong for you and your son.

I am glad you found this board, and this was put in this section. Everyone is great here and you can get some support and advice.

[Dontknow88]

Hello Turkish, no I do not have documents of him saying so. I had in emails but deleted them.

paternity was established at the hospital.

And no I haven't contacted a lawyer about custody agreements. He begged not to when he broke up with me but I'm seeing that I may have to (we made our own but now I see that isn't going to work cause he wants things to go on his own watch)

Thinking about it I feel that I was guilted by him to put him on the birth certificate and give our child his last name. (From the day he broke up with me I told him that our child will have my last name and I don't plan to put him on the birth certificate. But he got his way.

It's been time to put my son first and me. But I see doing that a lot of drama will come

[Dontknow88]

Thank you Lolyroze. The pain and confusion is unbelievable

[Turkish]

Drama will come no matter what you do,  but we will be here to help you manage it 

For instance, you may be able to retrieve the deleted emails.  Do you have anyone tech savvy to help you? 

You could also keep a journal,  and back date it (don't admit that to anyone, but the concern here is if he kept the emails,  so it needs to be as accurate as possible). Keep it factual. 

[ForeverDad]

Turkish has good suggestions.  Some email companies may let you delete emails but may just 'archive' them.  They know some email accounts get hacked or whatever and then the customers want to retrieve as many recently deleted emails as possible.  You'll never know what can be retrieved unless you try.

If there are no court orders yet then here is what I learned about my state and likely the others too.  Without a court order to the contrary, both parents have equal but unspecified rights to the child.  What that means is that very likely you can say No to him or set your own terms based on your real concerns, at least until one of you heads to court.

Also, verify with a lawyer what your state laws are, but it may be that since you two never married, he has slightly less rights or control of the baby than you.  If that is the case in your area, then don't Gift Away any advantages you may have by default as Mother.

I recall asking my local police to help me when my Ex was starting to block access to our preschooler for what turned out to be over 3 months.  The officer said, "Sorry, we won't intervene or even accompany you, get a court order first."  When I asked what would happen if I went to her door and she called the police, he said they'd rush right over.  Since I wasn't about to risk arrest, I kept my distance.

So I believe that for now you can just set terms for any visits.  (Understand that if you do allow a visit, then you'd be stuck rushing to court if he refused to return your baby.  That may be a low risk with him but something to ponder.)  My point is that you should not be guilted or obligated to accede to his requests if you're uncomfortable with unsupervised or long visits.

Does your county have a suggested parenting schedule for children under 3 years of age?  My county listed a schedule for short alternate weekends and a few hours every 2 or 3 days.  That's for normal parents.  If you have concerns about his stability, then don't even feel obligated to that.  Listen to your gut.  (And that was just a 'guideline' schedule, not necessarily used in every case.)

Don't worry overmuch about him complaining in court that he's not getting enough time unsupervised.  When the magistrate confirmed with my Ex that she had blocked all father-child contact for over 3 months, he simply said, "I'll fix that." and I was once again alternate weekend dad.  I recall what didn't happen.  No consequences for her, he didn't even wag his finger at her.  And I didn't get any make-up time.

[Dontknow88]

Turkish I tried but I do have some screenshots of our Facebook convos of him saying so that shows clear instability. Thank you for your support. I do feel less alone


ForeverDad I'm sorry that you went through that

But happy that you got some justice! Life am I right?

The country that I live in often favours the Mother so I'm not worried there, he's been so unpredictable since the breakup so I'm here thinking the unthinkable things that can happen since every sentience he says is so unexpected. Not too long ago he told me he wouldn't mind having full custody. What frightens me is that he can still hold down a great job, co workers don't see that he's off, friends even friends he considered close don't notice anything. But be and both of our family sees what he calls "the monster" . A couple days ago he told me he still feels sick but hids it better.

[momtara]

Haven't read all the responses but as an ex of a BPD man, and someone who coparents with him, I feel your pain.

It is scary to leave a child that young with a parent who is unstable and inexperienced. The way to communicate is with as little emotion as possible and as little leeway. But don't invalidate. Maybe something like - "I understand you'd like time, but Baby is young and constantly asking to be breastfed. If we can get a legal schedule in place with the help of some experts then we can figure out a better routine." Just thinking off the top of my head on how to validate him and still stall until you can talk to experts and lawyers. I'm inexperienced in this kind of advice. Lawyers give free consultations and you can post on AVVO.com for free and get legal feedback.

Has your ex done anything scary that leads you to believe he could hurt himself OR the baby?

Sometimes you can make a motion for pendente lite and get a court order about custody early on, but you REALLY have to know what you want. Supervised visitation for the other parent is often not going to be ordered unless you can show a history of problems or instability as it affects the kid.

What would you like to have?

My ex and I divorced when our kids were 2 years old and 8 months. Things have improved a lot, but it took a while to get here.

[Dontknow88]

Hello momtara to answer your questions yes he has done things to hurt himself and that's why I don't want to take the chance with the baby. His trigger is stress. And as a parent you know kids arnt stress free. So I worry. Before everything went down hill I knew he would be a good father, he's good with kids but since his breakdown 5-6 months ago he isn't better and freaks out over the smallest things. Like then the baby was born he seriously freaked out and handed the baby to me and stormed out. And now he wants him by himself? I can't do that. I don't trust that/Him right now

For now I don't want to do anything legal but that's a great idea when/if I get there again. Before he had his 2nd breakdown he agreed to give me legal custody so I don't have to get permission letters, and make legal choices cause he knows he isn't capable of it but I'm not sure if he changed his mind. I don't even want to ask him about it now cause he's in a dark place at the moment


Do you have anything legal set up with your ex?

Have you moved on or trying to or want to get back together ?

[Dontknow88]

Despite his family being kind and understanding,  daddy is still their son.  I wouldn't let your baby out of your sight right now.  If you can hang out with him and his family,  then good. Stick to that boundary,  and resist long explanations which may trigger him. 

Have you consulted a lawyer yet about a custody agreement? 

Omg Turkish, you are right... .Before His mom was big on me breast-feeding for at least 2 years (my plan) now she's asking when do I plan to stop... .Saying "you only need to do it for 2 months. Smh.

[momtara]

Yes, my ex got triggered by stress too. Glad you found this board. I will write more soon. Follow your instincts and stay firm. We did eventually work out a legal agreement. He didn't want that much visitation, but he does have the kids every other weekend. But for the first 6 months after our divorce he didn't take the baby, which was a relief. If i had to do it again, I would have asked for supervised visits until the situation could be reevaluated by an expert, as the kids were indeed young and I worried all the time.

[Dontknow88]

Hello momtara, I would like to hear more about your situation, I would love for him and I to work out romantically but I doubt it by now.   

But yeah stress isn't for him at all. I would like to hear more from you! Thanks!

[momtara]

I will try to write more this weekend. I met my ex when I was 36, getting old. We had children quickly. Things got worse after that. More to come.

[Dontknow88]

Thank you momtara, we had a child rather fast too. Felt right at the time

[Herodias]

From everything I have read and heard on the subject... .this is about control. You don't want him to have the baby, so he wants to. Try if you can to make excuses why you have the baby and not let on that you don't want him to have him until you can figure out what to do. The more he knows what you want... .the more he will fight it. My gut is telling me he wants the baby to get attention somehow... I feel really bad of for you, You are going to have to figure out how to get out of this situation as quickly as you got in. I found moving fast so they don't know what is coming works best. No time to make plans... .Don't give him any ammunition or any heads up on your plans -if you know what I mean... .Take care.

[Dontknow88]

Thanks Herodias, can you elaborate more on the wanting the baby for attention part ?

I'm trying to figure out how I can get out of the situation but as soon as I get an idea he dose something out of hand.

[Herodias]

Thanks Herodias, can you elaborate more on the wanting the baby for attention part ?

I'm trying to figure out how I can get out of the situation but as soon as I get an idea he dose something out of hand.

I wouldn't want to speculate, you know him better than we do. Depending on his particular personality, he could be the type who wants the baby for attention from his family, friends, to make new friends or to attract women! Yes, even to attract women I have read. You would be amazed... .you can only be the judge. Sometimes we don't know what the person is really like when they are not around us, but I think you may have an idea from what he is like when you were around others with him. I know mine is using his new baby to attract allot of friends on Facebook for sure. I know his sister had a baby a year ago and he is looking for his parents to be proud of him too. I know that somehow he will be using this baby to hook new women, I am not sure how that is done exactly, but I know there are allot of women who love babies and I suppose meeting them a parks or on walks or whatever would work... .saying "I am a single Dad"... .I know it sounds awful, but read up on narcissistic personality and you will see.  People with BPD have a narcissistic side... .I don't put anything past them. I do realize not all of them are like this, but from what I see, the majority are... .just want you to be aware and not shocked if it happens.

[Dontknow88]

Thanks for the heads up, for sure I know he will use the baby to attract family members and friends that are mad/disappointed in him for breaking up with me. I honestly don't care about the women cause we simply aren't together. What dose bother me is that he would try to bring women he's not serious about around our child. But hey, that's sounds like what a unstable person would do.