Getting through the aftermath of your exBPD relationship?

[KarmasReal]

Hey guys,

Just wondering here, how long did it take you to recover or get back to somewhat normal after the end of BPD relationship? Did you ever talk to them after it was over? How did you feel after it was over, depressed, angry, okay, etc? What helped you recover the most?

I ask this because I'm two and half months no contact with my exBPD after a bad break up that she pushed me into. It's like we don't exist to each other yet we are just 30 minutes away it sucks. Even with her terrible BPD traits, I felt like we were perfect matches for one another and that hurts even worse. In the two and half months of NC I have dated, gone to work, tried to get a normal life but I have this empty sick feeling of depression in my stomach everywhere I go. I wake up depressed and I go to sleep depressed. What is strange is my depression feels like it's getting worse over time instead of better and that scares me. I don't want to keep getting worse and worse, I would like to fee better. Did this happen to any of you?

I'm hoping some of your answers to these questions and knowing what you went through and how you did it, might help me through this very rocky time in my life. So don't be shy with the responses. I look forward to hearing from you all.


Thanks.

KarmasReal

[Wize]

I think a lot of this question has to do with certain variables.  How long was the relationship, are there children involved, were there criminal charges filed, how extensive was the trauma, etc. 

I know for me, my marriage was only a year long before I left and filed for divorce.  The sh!t was so bad that I literally couldn't stay any longer.  Because it was so bad, I've had a lot more success with the acceptance phase of the aftermath.  If I had to give a simple, short answer; How long does it take to get through the aftermath? Answer: However long it takes for your heart to let go.

[Herodias]

For me it has been one year and five months... .I read that it can take a year to two years depending on how much work you do on yourself. I don't think I will ever forget what happened to me... .it is a form of trauma. I hope to not dwell on him anymore soon, but I am not crying anymore. I just can't even do it if I try. It just doesn't seem happen. So that is good. Right now I am just tired. I am finally divorced a week and I am just exhausted.

[bunny4523]

Hi KarmasReal,

No contact is supposed to be a temporary phase to give you a moment to catch your breath, let things settle in your head.  My situation is unique because I still work with my exBPD.  What keeps me sane is limiting contact.  Keeping it professional and cordial but not sharing much personally with one another.  If I start to interact too much, it causes me anxiety of what he will do with it so I steer away from that.  If going no contact is upsetting to you then try and find out why.  is it because you want closure? acceptance? miss your ex?  Because the next step depends on the answer to these questions.

In my case, I don't want a closure discussion because it would tear back open the wounds I have that are healing.  I know nothing he says will make me feel better, just worse.  He will put doubts back into my head about who I am and I cannot allow that.  I did do my own closure techniques where I wrote letters that I never sent.  That way I was able to put all the confusion down on paper and let it go once and for all.  Then I was able to stop asking myself what happened when? could I have done anything different?  I just wrote it all out. Took me weeks of doing that before the anger was gone.  I worked it in steps as I felt I needed to.  

Try to find out what you feel you need then if it is likely you will get it.  What if you don't get it?  Run the scenarios through your thought process before you make any decisions to see how the outcomes feel to you.  

I'm sorry your having a tough time... .just know all of the answers and healing can be found inside of you.  You don't need anything from your ex to get through this.  Although that doesn't mean you can't address your ex if you'd like.  I'm just saying you can get through this with only the strength and love inside of you.

Bunny

[seenr]

Hi karmasreal

A lot of your post resonated with me. Broken up 2 months and NC now 6 weeks apart from arrangements about our Son.

Ya for me things have got worse but I think that is something to go through as part of healing.I still very much love my ex and keeping things NC are hard but the only way I can protect me right now.

I wish a 'normal' feeling would return but the last time I felt that way was about 7.5 years ago. Just after meeting my ex.

It is tough

[Frankcostello]

For me it took about a year to get back to my "normal" self.  During that year, I did things I enjoyed, traveling, hobbies, meeting new people, dated, enjoying the simple day to day things.  About a year after the break up with my exBPDgf I met a woman (who doesn't have BPD) and who I am still with and married to 3 years later.

The one year relationship with my exBPDgf was a learning experience and in many ways was a gift because I found out what qualities I didn't want from my significant other and it made me a stronger person.  It's been 4 years now since the breakup with my exBPDgf and I don't miss the relationship with her, I wish her well but in no way shape or form would I want any communication with her.  It's been no contact for 4 years and I'm fine as things are.  During my relationship with my exBPDgf she put me through so much drama and grief that I don't miss any of it.