I set a boundary today

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

After talking extensively with my boyfriend, his wife and his father I set a firm boundary with him. I told him I will not resume the relationship until he seeks treatment for his disorder. I have secured a new therapist for myself and will be meeting with her in 2 weeks.

I did not have this board when I broke up with my husband so this break up is going to be different.

When I broke up with my husband I met with a therapist to create an exit plan and then started working with a divorce recovery group.

I am actively seeking a sponsor in Al-Anon.

I am experiencing an ACA relapse.

I went to confession this week and will try to go on a weekly or semiannual weekly basis until I work through this crisis.

I am meeting with a social worker tomorrow and will try to attend a stress management class on Wednesday.

My daughter is recovering from surgery for one more week so that is my top priority.

I got my first commission and need to be able to focus on work which is what drove my decision to set a firm limit with my boyfriend.

He is not interested in my terms so I want to begin the detachment process today.

Thank you for any and all help in advance.

Unicorn

[unicorn2014]

After talking extensively with my boyfriend, his wife and his father I set a firm boundary with him. I told him I will not resume the relationship until he seeks treatment for his disorder. I have secured a new therapist for myself and will be meeting with her in 2 weeks.

I did not have this board when I broke up with my husband so this break up is going to be different.

When I broke up with my husband I met with a therapist to create an exit plan and then started working with a divorce recovery group.

I am actively seeking a sponsor in Al-Anon.

I am experiencing an ACA relapse.

I went to confession this week and will try to go on a weekly or semiannual weekly basis until I work through this crisis.

I am meeting with a social worker tomorrow and will try to attend a stress management class on Wednesday.

My daughter is recovering from surgery for one more week so that is my top priority.

I got my first commission and need to be able to focus on work which is what drove my decision to set a firm limit with my boyfriend.

He is not interested in my terms so I want to begin the detachment process today.

Thank you for any and all help in advance.

Unicorn

[thisagain]

Welcome back to this side of the boards, Unicorn!

I am sorry to hear that this is how your relationship has gone, but glad that you have a firm decision and a plan. You can do this. 

What does "not resuming the relationship" look like to you - no contact or something else? What do you think will be the biggest challenges?

Best wishes for a speedy recovery for your daughter, and be sure to keep taking care of yourself too 

[unicorn2014]

Welcome back to this side of the boards, Unicorn!

I am sorry to hear that this is how your relationship has gone, but glad that you have a firm decision and a plan. You can do this. 

What does "not resuming the relationship" look like to you - no contact or something else? What do you think will be the biggest challenges?

Best wishes for a speedy recovery for your daughter, and be sure to keep taking care of yourself too 

I have the support of my boyfriend's father to not resume the relationship until my boyfriend confirms he has begun treatment. Not resuming means not accepting his emails or calls. I moved his email to junk and blocked his number. 

Thank you for the encouragement  and the welcome back.

I'm already in stage 2, self inquiry because of all the work I did prior to posting on the detaching board.

I'm going to an ACA meeting tonight and meeting with my social worker tomorrow.

[Wize]

After talking extensively with my boyfriend, his wife and his father I set a firm boundary with him. I told him I will not resume the relationship until he seeks treatment for his disorder.

You want to detach because he's sick and toxic to you.  Yet you're still throwing out ultimatums and grasping at straws in order to stay with him.  He may get therapy for his BPD(highly unlikely) and he may change(not gonna happen anytime soon) but if you're truly interested in detaching, none of that is your concern. 

Detaching is about making your life yours again.  It's about removing your life from that of a sick, abusive person.  Forget the ultimatums, forget the chaos surrounding his life.  If you're going to truly detach, you need to leave him behind and make him a part of your past.

[unicorn2014]

After talking extensively with my boyfriend, his wife and his father I set a firm boundary with him. I told him I will not resume the relationship until he seeks treatment for his disorder.

You want to detach because he's sick and toxic to you.  Yet you're still throwing out ultimatums and grasping at straws in order to stay with him.  He may get therapy for his BPD(highly unlikely) and he may change(not gonna happen anytime soon) but if you're truly interested in detaching, none of that is your concern. 

Detaching is about making your life yours again.  It's about removing your life from that of a sick, abusive person.  Forget the ultimatums, forget the chaos surrounding his life.  If you're going to truly detach, you need to leave him behind and make him a part of your past.

That's fine and its not that simple. He is my daughter's stepfather. I have to maintain a relationship with him for that reason. It is not an ultimatum. It is a decision I made in tandem with his father, wife, and therapist. I am posting here to get help with the detaching process. I am beginning to detach today. If we resume our relationship it will be a new relationship. This one is over. I have not seen him for a year. I am waiting for him to file bankruptcy and move. I am hoping we can start over and if we can not I will have detached.

[Wize]

How is your boyfriend your daughter's stepfather?  That makes no sense to me.

[unicorn2014]

How is your boyfriend your daughter's stepfather?  That makes no sense to me.

Welcome to my reality.

I am a refugee from the conflicted board.

My boyfriend is my daughter's stepfather.

She chose him, she likes him, I hope that he can give up and move forward. The ball is in his court.

He actually proposed to me before he divorced his wife.

I don't call him my fiancé because his wife has not divorced him yet due to financial reasons.

I took off my ring and put it away.

I am waiting for him to file for bankruptcy.

I don't want to talk about this. I want to talk about detaching. I am on the self inquiry stage 2.

[Wize]

Welcome to my reality.

I am a refugee from the conflicted board.

My boyfriend is my daughter's stepfather.

She chose him, she likes him, I hope that he can give up and move forward. The ball is in his court.

He actually proposed to me before he divorced his wife.

I don't call him my fiancé because his wife has not divorced him yet due to financial reasons.

I took off my ring and put it away.

I am waiting for him to file for bankruptcy.

I don't want to talk about this. I want to talk about detaching. I am on the self inquiry stage 2.

Ok, first off, he's not your daughter's stepdad. You're not married to him, he's got a wife. See, I'm a stepdad because I'm married to my wife who has children.  That's the definition of a stepdad.  I understand that you calling him "stepdad" gives you a special attachment to him in your mind, but he's not a stepdad.

And unfortunately, kids don't choose your partners, you do.  He's your choice, not your daughters. You brought him into your daughter's life and now, in order to detach, you need to remove him from your daughters life. That's the way it works.

You don't want to talk about your situation, you want to talk about detaching, but nothing you have posted on this board has given any indication that you intend to or know how to detach.  I'm sure there's a very good chance that you're trauma bonded to this man.  And it does sound like you're wanting to create some definition and distance from this relationship, but it does not sound like you want to detach.

[unicorn2014]

Welcome to my reality.

I am a refugee from the conflicted board.

My boyfriend is my daughter's stepfather.

She chose him, she likes him, I hope that he can give up and move forward. The ball is in his court.

He actually proposed to me before he divorced his wife.

I don't call him my fiancé because his wife has not divorced him yet due to financial reasons.

I took off my ring and put it away.

I am waiting for him to file for bankruptcy.

I don't want to talk about this. I want to talk about detaching. I am on the self inquiry stage 2.

Ok, first off, he's not your daughter's stepdad. You're not married to him, he's got a wife. See, I'm a stepdad because I'm married to my wife who has children.  That's the definition of a stepdad.  I understand that you calling him "stepdad" gives you a special attachment to him in your mind, but he's not a stepdad.

I understand your concern however it is my daughter who has chosen him as her stepdad and I will honor her choice. She is not a child. I have no special attachment to him and she does. It is for that reason I am taking the position I am.

And unfortunately, kids don't choose your partners, you do.  He's your choice, not your daughters. You brought him into your daughter's life and now, in order to detach, you need to remove him from your daughters life. That's the way it works.

Hi. He doesn't have to be my partner to be her stepdad. I know you are unfamiliar with my story from the undecided board.

You don't want to talk about your situation, you want to talk about detaching, but nothing you have posted on this board has given any indication that you intend to or know how to detach.  I'm sure there's a very good chance that you're trauma bonded to this man.  And it does sound like you're wanting to create some definition and distance from this relationship, but it does not sound like you want to detach.

I appreciate your point of view. I have read about the trauma bond and that is not what is going on with my boyfriend.

Thank you for your input.

[HurtinNW]

Hello Unicorn! 

Welcome to detaching. How are you feeling about your decisions? How can the detaching board help you?

That sounds like a nice solid to-do list. I know for me having lists like that has really helped my detaching process, though it is still hard. That's to be expected. I like having structure and a plan myself.

Hugs for you 

[unicorn2014]

Hello Unicorn! 

Welcome to detaching. How are you feeling about your decisions? How can the detaching board help you?

Hi Hurt in NW!

I'm trying to hard to stand my ground.

The detaching board can help me maintain my boundary.

My daughter and her stepfather are free to have a relationship however I will not resume my relationship with him until I hear from his therapist that he is working on his childhood and his personality. His father is helping me stand my ground, as his wife. I'm on stage 2, self inquiry, and reading as I can.

That sounds like a nice solid to-do list. I know for me having lists like that has really helped my detaching process, though it is still hard. That's to be expected. I like having structure and a plan myself.

Hugs for you 

Thank you, I'm not doing this alone. I'll let you know when I find a sponsor and how the initial meeting with the therapist goes next month. She also works with teenagers so I will be able to bring my daughter in with me and if my daughter's stepfather should decide to seek treatment she also works with blended families. I have a long term plan in place for all possible outcomes.

[heartandwhole]

Hi unicorn2014,

I'd like to join the other members in welcoming you.   I can feel the resolve in your posts. It sounds like you have put a lot of thought and planning into this decision, and I commend you for that. I'm sure the road hasn't been easy.

You are in stage 2 of detaching, so can you tell us what feelings have been coming up for you in light of this decision? Are there one or two feelings or realizations about the relationship that have been particularly challenging?

I know you are working on some boundaries. It sounds like you won't be in a relationship where your partner is not actively working on his issues, like you are working on yours. Do I have that right?

Keep us posted, unicorn2014, we're here for you.  

heartandwhole

[unicorn2014]

Thank you heart and whole.

Yes you have it right.

The straw that broke the camels back is when I found out from his wife  he lied to me about living in another country , as it turns out they just visited for vacation. Then I found out he told her I was lying about what he said! I was shocked. He lied to both of us! That's why I closed the gate. I talked with her and his father and they are both supporting me in this decision. His father said this reminds him of the first time his wife divorced him. Meanwhile he says his father has no credibility. I had enough.

I feel sad and scared.

I feel sad that this man I got involved with is such a liar.

I feel scared that I got involved with such a liar. I also feel scared about recovering at this point as my whole family gaslights, not just him.

I think I've pretty well sorted out my relationships, now we will have to wait and see.

I don't think I could do this if his father wasn't backing me up.

[Grey Kitty]

  I've seen you going through all sorts of stuff with/over him, and it has seemed really tough on you.

Your of what you are doing at the top of this post looks like a good one. I think it is a good step toward taking care of yourself and taking control of your life. Keep working at it.

I don't think I could do this if his father wasn't backing me up.

I'm glad you have his support, but I'm nervous about you depending on anybody in his family too heavily. (I don't know his family history, but I have trouble imagining well adjusted people that I'd want to trust raising somebody like your bf!)

Sometime when you are feeling good and strong, think about contingency plans if his father (or wife!) start acting badly in the future.

Meanwhile, I wish you peace and strength.

[unicorn2014]

I only meant his father is spiritually supporting me. His wife is too weak. Besides now he's treating her better then me since I took away the one thing that matters to him. He's suicidal again. I told him to check into the ER if he's suicidal told his father and wife and let it go. I've been trying to set a boundary with this man for 2 years and now I finally have the strength to do it but it is hard. I do miss him and  I'm tired of the drama so I'm letting him go. The ball is in his court.

[Meili]

It does sound like a lot of drama. I commend you for setting your boundary and working on yourself.

Some things that can help with detaching is working on your body as a whole. Mind, body, and spirit are damaged in r/s with pwBPD. It really helps to work on all three to detach. Exercising and eating right are good for your body, meditation/prayer is good for your spirit, and examining yourself and what kept you in a r/s like this in the first place is good for your mind.

You mentioned some self-inquiry, getting a sponsor, and seeing a T; what are you doing for your body and spirit?

[unicorn2014]

I run walk bike hike lift do yoga garden .

I pray meditate go to church meetings read scripture and spiritual material .

[Skip]

Welcome to my reality.

Your reality (your world) is what you make it. Respectfully, you have long been living in a false reality in many ways. You often ask others to enter into this false reality and advice you how to navigate it. You are then flustered when they question it.

Healthy Relationship. A healthy relationship isn't about creating a "conditional love" model (if you do this, I will love you).

Healthy Boundaries.  Healthy values/boundaries are not about violating someone else's boundaries - contacting wives, parents, therapists - to get them to side with you against your partner and give you strength.

Healthy Parenting. Healthy parenting does not include encouraging / supporting your 15 to proclaim you married - boyfriend who you aren't speaking with to be her stepdad. Placing a young teen in the middle of an adult relationship fraught with significant issues (affair, chronic lying, dysfunctional dance, conflict, etc.) is a component of emotional incest parentification.

Healthy Detaching. Healthy detaching is not severing primary communications as a therapeutic to rehabilitate a conflicted relationship. That is more commonly know as silent treatment - cutting a person off until they submit.

Enlist people to go along (at least not reject) our plan - children, friends, support groups - is not a sign of its validity.  Nor is someone questioning it a sign that they are troubled. This is one of the hardest things in recovery - to enlist support (wisemind critics) and not to enlist enablers. Often it is not so clear to us.

My impression is that you are not ready to give this relationship up any more now than you were a year ago - that you believe that in the end, your partner will see the error in his ways, correct his personal problems, and move into your town to provide a warm and enriching life for you. What you appear to seek is a to legitimize (and be enabled) in a relationship rehabilitation model that you have created in your mind (and recreate in time) which is fraught with unhealthy coping. Some of these "ways" are on the "personality disorder" watch list. Be careful.

My advice is:

1. Get your daughter out of the middle of this completely, totally, and unequivocally. The best way is to find a positive healthy replacement, rather than just take away her troubled adult male friend. There is no way a 15  year old can or should need to navigate a loaded relationship like this and be placed between two adults. No matter how it might seem, no matter how well intentioned the parties, there are lots of below-the-surface agendas. This is not a role model for your daughter on relationship and conflict resolution - it is harming her.

2. Stop being a boundary buster and having bad boundaries yourself. His wife and his therapist really need to be out of your reach, just as your daughter and your therapist need to be out of his reach.

3. As many members have said to your before, accept him (or reject him) for who he is (not who your are trying to force him to be) and decide if that is a relationship you want.  Right now you are saying you want him if he does a)________, b)_________, and c.________.  You were saying this a year ago. The only thing that changed is the list (it has grown).

It's like loving an meth addict but saying "you must give up the meth".  It's one thing when the meth addict says, yes you are right and they are working on it.  It's quite another when they say you don't understand and they add gambling and crime to their repertoire. He isn't even seriously trying to be who you want him to be.

[unicorn2014]

Hi Skip, I don't know how to address this. My daughter is out of the middle. I am giving up the relationship. I am backing off. That's why I'm posting here. I'm done.

She added him as stepfather on Facebook.  She told her second to last love interest he was her stepfather. These things already happened. I did not tell her to do either thing. She did not ask me to do either thing, she did them of her own accord.

I printed out the list of 10 beliefs to examine so I can work on detaching.

I am not looking for his wife or his father to side against him or against each other. I am actually trying to help his wife file bankruptcy against their business as a way of making amends to her. I actually find his father helpful for my own adult child wounds, he loves and cares about everybody involved. He's an 80 year old Christian man and all involved need someone like that in our lives.

Can we please agree that I am not only not putting my daughter in the middle of anything but that I am not willing to continue the relationship until my boyfriend gets help? That is not the silent treatment. Please help me to communicate my intention to the board better.

In terms of support groups, I am not talking about my boyfriend in Al-Anon or AA so I'm not sure what you mean.

I know I might seem borderline to you but I'm not, I have PTSD, such a bad case that my brother's girlfriend accused me of having Stockholm syndrome and that's an issue for the coping board where I am dealing with it.

I don't need my partner to provide a warm and enriching life for me, I'm perfectly capable of doing that on my own and I am doing it right now.

I am totally open to dating a man who is willing to be a stepfather to a 15.5 year old with depression and substance abuse issues and her mother who has ptsd and a very recent mood disorder due to the increased stress in my life on top of the preexisting ptsd. Know of any? I assume this is what you mean by a replacement stepfather figure.

I am rejecting him, he knows this, that is why he is now suicidal.

Believe me I would like to date again.

[Skip]

I am totally open to dating a man who is willing to be a stepfather to a 15.5 year old with depression and substance abuse issues and her mother who has ptsd and a very recent mood disorder due to the increased stress in my life on top of the preexisting ptsd. Know of any? I assume this is what you mean by a replacement stepfather figure.

Maybe she needs to get into the "Big Brothers Big Sisters" program. The counselors there will not assign her a man.   

That's fine and its not that simple. He is my daughter's stepfather. I have to maintain a relationship with him for that reason.

She added him as stepfather on Facebook.  She told her second to last love interest he was her stepfather. These things already happened. I did not tell her to do either thing. She did not ask me to do either thing, she did them of her own accord.

Which is "reality"?

~ You have to maintain a relationship with him because he is in her life or

~ he was in her life in the past when your relationship was better - he is not now.

I am actually trying to help his wife file bankruptcy against their business as a way of making amends to her.

I actually find his father helpful for my own adult child wounds, he loves and cares about everybody involved. He's an 80 year old Christian man and all involved need someone like that in our lives.

Unicorn, do you see how stuff like this is uber-unheathy?

[unicorn2014]

That's fine and its not that simple. He is my daughter's stepfather. I have to maintain a relationship with him for that reason.

She added him as stepfather on Facebook.  She told her second to last love interest he was her stepfather. These things already happened. I did not tell her to do either thing. She did not ask me to do either thing, she did them of her own accord.

Which is "reality"?

~ You have to maintain a relationship with him because he is in her life or

~ he was in her life in the past when your relationship was better - he is not now.

I am actually trying to help his wife file bankruptcy against their business as a way of making amends to her.

I actually find his father helpful for my own adult child wounds, he loves and cares about everybody involved. He's an 80 year old Christian man and all involved need someone like that in our lives.

Unicorn, do you see that stuff like this is uber-unheathy?

Fine, he is still her stepfather on facebook, I can't change that. She likes his pictures on Facebook. He told her he had to back off for a while because we have some problems, so fair enough.

You're right, its not healthy to get my unmet adult child needs met through his father, I get it.

I'm working my butt off on the coping board to deal with this stuff.

I'm meeting with a new therapist in two weeks to deal with this stuff.

This is coping stuff.

In terms of his wife part, I am stuck. I guess there is nothing more I can do to amend that situation so I have to back away. She really wants to divorce him but can't until they file business bankruptcy because she doesn't want to be stuck with their debt. I have no idea why he hasn't filed business bankruptcy yet. Something about trauma. To me its a bunch of baloney and I do not care.

I agree with everything you're saying Skip, so now what?

[Skip]

I agree with everything you're saying Skip, so now what?

In addition to my three recommendations above?

I would seek advice with the members on how to work through the recommendations - how to release all the encumbrances you have with grace - finding a replacement "big brother/bif sister" for your daughter, maybe writing an amends letter to his wife for your involvement in their marriage (use a 12 step model - you've worked that before), and send a thank you letter to his father and mother and speak only of how they enlightened your life (don't implicate there son in anything - leave him out of the letter) - you don't need to severe the contact with the parents - just let it be one where they initiate. You can say that simply with, please say in touch.

The members will help you with all of these.

I'd also say be vulnerable and start working through the grieving process with the members here. This is a huge loss for you. It's a lot to let go of.  You have a lot of brothers and sisters here on the same path. I believe you want to let go with grace, so make that clear in your threads.

This is going to hurt. I went through it. It was devastating. We are all here to hold onto each other in this storm.

Does that help?

[unicorn2014]

I agree with everything you're saying Skip, so now what?

I would seek advice with the members on how to release all the encumbrances above with grace - finding a replacement "big brother/bif sister" for your daughter, maybe writing a amends letter to his wife for your involvement in their marriage (use a 12 step model - you've worked that before), and and send a thank you letter to his father and mother and speak only of how they lightened your life (don't implicate there son) - you don't need to severe the contact - just let it be one where they initiate.

The members will help you with all of these.

I'd also say be vulnerable and start working through the grieving process with the members here. This is a huge loss for you. It's a lot to let go off.  You have a lot of brothers and sisters here on the same path. I believe you want to let go with grace, so make that clear in your threads .

Thank you.

I actually had a formal big sister for my daughter whom she rejected.

I've already made amends to his wife, I offered to help her leave or stay in her marriage, she wants to leave.

I already have sent his parents a thank you card for raising him and helping him deal with his dyslexia.

His father did contact me yesterday. I emailed him today. I will allow his father to initiate the contact from here on out. His mother doesn't use email, and is hard of hearing so he is the one who calls.

I printed out the surviving a breakup white paper and will make my next post around the 10 beliefs, which is what I am studying. I will admit to having a lot of anger and resentment today. I didn't feel it yesterday.

Grace... .that's an interesting suggestion.



I am usually sarcastic by nature, and very honest

Oh boy, here we go.

[Skip]

find a replacement "big brother/bif sister" for your daughter

I actually had a formal big sister for my daughter whom she rejected.

writing a amends letter to his wife for your involvement in their marriage (use a 12 step model - you've worked that before)

I've already made amends to his wife, I offered to help her leave or stay in her marriage, she wants to leave.

send a thank you letter to his father and mother and speak only of how they lightened your life (don't implicate there son)

I already have sent his parents a thank you card for raising him and helping him deal with his dyslexia.

I will admit to having a lot of anger and resentment today. I didn't feel it yesterday.

You are going to be on an emotional roller coaster for a while. Tomorrow you may be lovesick.  The next day you may be depressed. We're all on that ride. Don't get too caught up in the emotion of the day - you tend to do that. Write down why you're leaving - share it here - read it every morning to help ground your feelings of the day.

Oh boy, here we go

Yes.

[unicorn2014]

Argh, skip I already did all those things. I asked my daughter if she wanted another big brother/big sister and she said no. I'm thinking you mean force her to get a big brother/big sister? When I say asked her, I mean I literally just asked her, she's in the kitchen making crepe batter while I'm typing this. Just so you know, I've suggested she be a big sister since she's so lonely. In fact, she just patted my stomach, which we can all imagine what that means. (It does mean what I'm suggesting, she's very blunt about wanting a baby sibling). She wants a sibling and I have no husband so dream on girl. What a mess. We have a 2BDR, I've thought about being a foster parent, but I have no where to put the foster child. My daughter said her room. Lol.

My poor daughter is watching sitcoms that feature stepfamilies! My grandmother had three husbands, my father had two stepfathers, so it looks like I"m repeating the family history.     poor me. That's the grandmother who's will I am contesting, which I am dealing with on the coping board, which is what my mom made a dig about in her card to me today.

I am looking for a new sponsor in Al-Anon so I will make my amends in terms of this conversation, new amends, when I get to my 9th step.

I guess I will send his parents one more thank you card.

Is this good?

Or am I understanding you?

Lol. You are funny. You made me laugh. I guess that's a good thing! I hope my sarcasm doesn't get me in trouble on the detaching board! Let me know if I cross the line.

PS I am a professional painter  so sending them yet another card will give me a chance to work on my skills. So thank you for that opportunity. I need to send my mother a thank you card for her check even though she put a dig in the card she gave me, dealing with that on the coping board.

[Wize]

This is purely my own perception but I see OP as extremely conflicted... .and confused and traumatized.  I don't see her as ready to detach... .or even wanting to.  As this is the detaching board, I think the members here may become frustrated in trying to help someone detach who, for all intents and purposes, is not mentally and emotionally in a place to even grasp the concept of detachment. This is not meant in any way shape or form to be an insult to OP-we've all been there.  But detachment is serious business and if you're not focused on achieving it, it's simply a waste of everyone's time.   

[Skip]

Maybe yes and maybe no at the same time.  Is it more complicated than what you are expressing?  

More than half of us were abandoned or something so egregious happened that we had to leave. Most of those members didn't want it to end.

Severty-two percent (72%) of us recycle. A significant percentage do 10 or more times.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=120215.0

Yes, there has to be commitment to get healthy.  There has to be commitment to work on a path that is more or less on a healthy trajectory and making more progress than setbacks.

But detachment is serious business and if you're not focused on achieving it, it's simply a waste of everyone's time.

Do you really mean, letting go is hard and there are many dysfunctional paths we can take - if you're not committed to staying on a healthy path (e.g., not doing clearly dysfunctional things), it's confusing and frustrating for others who are doing the work?

[Wize]

Do you really mean, letting go is hard and there are many dysfunctional paths we can take - if you're not committed to staying on a healthy path (e.g., not doing clearly dysfunctional things), it's confusing and frustrating for others who are doing the work?

Yes, that's what I meant.

[unicorn2014]

I have started a new thread. May I ask if people want to participate that they keep it positive? This is REALLY hard for me. I have a borderline mother. I had no idea I had a borderline partner until 1-2 years into my relationship. I had set up a Dd/lg relationship with my partner only to find out he was too unhealthy to be my daddy. I have a narcissistic father. I am really wounded on both sides: father/mother issues. I am raising a daughter on my own, her father never was my partner even when we were married according to the therapist who treated me for 7 years. I am now beginning therapy again to help me deal with a probate case, a detachment process from my partner, and a daughter who is now beginning her work life while having an untreated substance abuse problem, untreated depression and possible ptsd. I have found a new therapist that originally was referred to me by my daughter's therapist. I told my new therapist and my daughter that once I get my relationship established with my new therapist I will bring my daughter to therapy with me. We will cross that bridge when we come to it.

I need a lot of help to recover.

I am really hurting today.

Everything is falling apart.

I've been through this before with my husband but not to this extent.

I really was in love with my partner until I found out the extent of his lies just 3 days ago.

[Skip]

I have started a new thread. May I ask if people want to participate that they keep it positive? This is REALLY hard for me. I have a borderline mother. I had no idea I had a borderline partner until 1-2 years into my relationship. I had set up a Dd/lg relationship with my partner only to find out he was too unhealthy to be my daddy. I have a narcissistic father. I am really wounded on both sides: father/mother issues.

As in... .

ddlg

Daddy Dom / Little Girl. DDLG, or dd/lg, is a relationship in which one person is the caregiver or "daddy" and the other is childlike. It is NOT a relationship between an actual father and daughter or any minor. This is a type of BDSM relationship that may or may not involve sex, but often involves play with child-like things, such as stuffed animals, bed-time stories, and spankings. The lg part of the relationship is often called the "little."