when they get inside your head...

[Depression = 72% of members]

My ex has got inside my head with a few things:

1 - about something that happened while she was pregnant

2 - about money, saying I am mean when the figures say different

3 - saying she wanted us to settle and be a family at an early stage in the relationship & I didn't

4 - saying I'm not a nice person

5 - talking about something that happened 7 years ago, blaming me for it

6 - mentioning rows (where she raged & raged) but brings up things I said

7 - bringing up things about me where I have changed but she refuses to see the change

8 - bringing up areas I have changed (eg not drinking much) and saying I am boring

9 - saying I am not a good dad

10 - saying 'I don't love you any more' when a few days earlier it was 'I love you'

Can these things, repeated in cycles, lower self esteem and confidence?

I feel waves of sadness, positivity, despair and her words circle in my head a lot. She blames me for the relationship ending but refused to do any work to try to fix the relationship.

I visited a friend a month ago who told me 'don't let her inside your head'. He listened to the things she said and said 'very few if any are true'

I have done work with a counsellor to look at things she said about me and reduce their impact. But still when trying to make plans and look to the future, I feel that if someone met me and found out the things she said about me they'd run a mile. She did say last year if she met me out with someone she would tell them exactly what I'm like. In contrast if I saw her with someone new I'd say nothing and let him get to know her himself.

Whether I like it or not, what she said about me affects how I think about me. I don't feel positive about myself and this has never happened before. Even after two long term break ups in the past I felt confident & like a good person. This time I'm not sure of what I offer any More. I think I offer a lot of good points but can years of hearing otherwise affect us that much?

[seenr]

My ex has got inside my head with a few things:

1 - about something that happened while she was pregnant

2 - about money, saying I am mean when the figures say different

3 - saying she wanted us to settle and be a family at an early stage in the relationship & I didn't

4 - saying I'm not a nice person

5 - talking about something that happened 7 years ago, blaming me for it

6 - mentioning rows (where she raged & raged) but brings up things I said

7 - bringing up things about me where I have changed but she refuses to see the change

8 - bringing up areas I have changed (eg not drinking much) and saying I am boring

9 - saying I am not a good dad

10 - saying 'I don't love you any more' when a few days earlier it was 'I love you'

Can these things, repeated in cycles, lower self esteem and confidence?

I feel waves of sadness, positivity, despair and her words circle in my head a lot. She blames me for the relationship ending but refused to do any work to try to fix the relationship.

I visited a friend a month ago who told me 'don't let her inside your head'. He listened to the things she said and said 'very few if any are true'

I have done work with a counsellor to look at things she said about me and reduce their impact. But still when trying to make plans and look to the future, I feel that if someone met me and found out the things she said about me they'd run a mile. She did say last year if she met me out with someone she would tell them exactly what I'm like. In contrast if I saw her with someone new I'd say nothing and let him get to know her himself.

Whether I like it or not, what she said about me affects how I think about me. I don't feel positive about myself and this has never happened before. Even after two long term break ups in the past I felt confident & like a good person. This time I'm not sure of what I offer any More. I think I offer a lot of good points but can years of hearing otherwise affect us that much?

[Moselle]

Hi seenr,

The truth is that years of exposure to a Borderline does result in damage. They are destructive and perhaps it's best to just admit that, so we can get on with the business of healing. And I believe we can definitely heal.

They attached deep roots into us to feed their needs, and when those roots are ripped out, it leaves deep wounds or scars that need attention.

A "growth" mindset and simply to get on with the business of living is our biggest asset. Our feelings may block us or take us back there, and whilst it is good to alllow those things to be there and experience them,  we have to force ourselves not to wallow too long there.

And we need to build positive thoughts and experiences.

How do you think you can cultivate a healthy inner voice of you own?

[kc sunshine]

Oh yes, when they get inside my head. My therapist who I've been seeing for about 5 years (two years before meeting my ex) and then these past three years) says that before my ex she never heard me question my own character before but now I do so regularly . Before I could get down on myself some, but I wouldn't question my basics-- eg. My basic goodness, etc.

Here are some things that have sunk in:

The accusation that I am shady (kernel of truth-- walking on eggshells)

The accusation that I am untrustworthy

A vague accusation that what people think about me (I'm generally well liked) and what I am are very different

Drama queen

Some really mean stuff when she was dysregulating but I don't really remember those-- do you all have trouble remembering some of the content of the dysregulation? Maybe I blocked it out. This third time around, she dysregulated a little less verbally though.

I liked what steelwork said sometime ago about the ways they get in our heads. She said that usually the things that got her were the things that had a kernel

Of truth to them and that forgiving herself for that kernel went a long way towards healing. I will try to do that too.

[seenr]

Thanks for taking the time to write Moselle

I know I have good traits. I'm a good listener, generous, have some good friends and people would say I'm an ok person I guess. An ex female workmate who I was friends with for a year told me recently, 'you are kind, caring, love your son, I know you are a good person'.

I do know that for years, I've kept myself at a distance from others & only 2 people have got to know the real me. One an ex girlfriend who I am still friendly with, the other my BPD ex. I can only describe it as opening a dark room, allowing them in & take a look. The first girlfriend had a look, didn't see anything to take, we just fizzled out. The BPDex came in, saw everything & began to use those as weapons against me when it suited. So I think because of that, I'm scared to ever open that door again.

Getting on with the business of living is tough as some close friends know I'm badly affected by the relationship with the BPD ex and as such keep their distance from me. My family are also sick of hearing about her. They simply cannot fathom why she still matters, why things she said about me that were false, haunt me. This re-enforces your point - feeling good about myself and cultivating a healthy mindset are the way to go.

At the moment each day is a struggle. Tomorrow will be 8 weeks since the row that led to us breaking up. I miss her so much, even the crazy parts, but I know that is not healthy. The way my mind is working now, is that even her raging at me and saying horrible things is better than not having her at all. That is not healthy I know. I need to be saying 'what do I need to form a successful loving relationship that lasts'. I am doing that, but as time passes, it is very difficult to see that happening with someone else as I feel scarred.

I'm open to all feedback & suggestions, I try to read every post here to get ideas and this board is a help.

Hi seenr,

The truth is that years of exposure to a Borderline does result in damage. They are destructive and perhaps it's best to just admit that, so we can get on with the business of healing. And I believe we can definitely heal.

They attached deep roots into us to feed their needs, and when those roots are ripped out, it leaves deep wounds or scars that need attention.

A "growth" mindset and simply to get on with the business of living is our biggest asset. Our feelings may block us or take us back there, and whilst it is good to alllow those things to be there and experience them,  we have to force ourselves not to wallow too long there.

And we need to build positive thoughts and experiences.

How do you think you can cultivate a healthy inner voice of you own?

[heartandwhole]

Can these things, repeated in cycles, lower self esteem and confidence?

Yes. The term used in Susan Anderson's book is called internalizing:

INTERNALIZING – you Internalize the rejection and cause Injury to your self esteem. This is the most critical stage of the cycle when your wound becomes susceptible to Infection and can create permanent scarring. You are Isolated, riddled with Insecurity, self- Indictment and self-doubt. You are preoccupied with ‘If only regrets’ – - If only you had been more attentive, more sensitive, less demanding, etc. You beat yourself up with regrets over the relationship and Idealize your abandoner at the expense of your own self Image.

I feel waves of sadness, positivity, despair and her words circle in my head a lot. She blames me for the relationship ending but refused to do any work to try to fix the relationship.

I'm sorry. I know it hurts and it's not fair. The words circling in your head are normal, it's part of the process of grieving, but there are things you can do to help it calm down. For example, you can reframe your perception of her (realizing she has a disorder/disordered thinking and behavior), and you can continue to do what you did with your friend (who said, "don't let her inside your head" and in this post: talk about (write about) the things your ex said, so that your feelings can be validated while her power over you is lessened each time. You are already taking your power back, seenr, well done! 

I found this thread has very helpful advice:

Do not allow others to 'rent space' in your 'head'

This will pass, seenr. It's a stage in the process. Try not to let the wound "fester." Your ex's perception of you comes through her own filters, which may be quite distorted with fear, shame, guilt, and lots of other emotions that she has trouble dealing with. We partners were never perfect either, and of course there may be kernels of truth in things that our ex-partners say, but just as we don't have to attach to some of our own thoughts that send us into a depressive spiral, we certainly don't want to attach to someone else's and add insult to the already deep injury that we are experiencing from the breakup.

You are doing the work, seenr, and you will reap the benefits.

heartandwhole

[Moselle]

I found this thread has very helpful advice:

Do not allow others to 'rent space' in your 'head'

Wow heartandwhole, this is a really powerful thread. Really practical too.

I didn't realise how many people I had staying rent free, in my head.

Time to 'reframe' them to the kerb.

And one way to "change the tape" is to add more layers to the story in your memory bank by "humanizing the villain." Specifically, if you make the deliberate choice to change the mental picture that you have had all these years from an evil, grimacing "monster-teacher" towering over your cowering third-grade self into a new (and quite possibly more realistic image) of a then-relatively-young woman, who maybe just broke her heel, stepped in a mud puddle, and got screamed at by her boss before she unfairly and inappropriately took out her frustration on you.

Perhaps my ex just broke her heel or stepped in a mud puddle, and became BPD co-morbid NPD.   It could happen.

[heartandwhole]

Perhaps my ex just broke her heel or stepped in a mud puddle, and became BPD co-morbid NPD.   It could happen.

You never know, Moselle!   I'm glad you found the tips helpful, as I did. I think these ideas are great for all of us, BPD-related or not.

[myself]

They attached deep roots into us to feed their needs

It seems that many of us, in our own ways, did the same.

Perhaps not as drastically in 'survival mode', but deep roots & needs.

How to move past/adapt to this? Where find/create real nourishment?

[Moselle]

Perhaps my ex just broke her heel or stepped in a mud puddle, and became BPD co-morbid NPD.   It could happen.

You never know, Moselle!   I'm glad you found the tips helpful, as I did. I think these ideas are great for all of us, BPD-related or not.

I've scheduled a meeting with a close friend to do some rental evictions tomorrow and the ex with her mud puddle is first on the list.

They attached deep roots into us to feed their needs

It seems that many of us, in our own ways, did the same.

Perhaps not as drastically in 'survival mode', but deep roots & needs.

How to move past/adapt to this? Where find/create real nourishment?

This is profound. We did indeed